


Forever is a Long Time

by DuzMachines1984 (orphan_account)



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-04 07:57:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 88,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14015778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/DuzMachines1984
Summary: 1: Sleep - Leo and Raphael have more in common than they admit2: Liquid Courage - Leo and Raph confront their growing attraction like reasonable, mature adults - 4 parts3: Object of Worship - Leo and Raph, now adults and living outside of the sewer, get it on4: Strategic Planning - Raph "kidnaps" Leo5: 50 Tints of Blue - Leo "kidnaps" Raph6: A Very Hamato Christmas7: The Troublemakers - G, Leo and Raph's son, is expelled from high school8: I'll Take Care of You - Prequel to The Incident9: Patience - Leo gives Raph space as he recovers10: Still Waters - The brothers go on a cruise to leave bad memories behind11: Make me Yours - Leo brands Raph12: Kinds of Hurt - Raph takes off without telling Leo. Leo isn't happy when Raph finally returns. - abuse tw13: Northampton Dock - Leo and Raph try water bondage with disastrous results14: Complex Beauty - Leo tries pointe shoes15. Old - Raph muses on his life16: Birthday - Raph celebrates his 65th birthday





	1. Sleep

Sleep had always been a difficult state of being for Leo to achieve. He woke several times most nights and couldn’t calm himself until he’d looked in on his little brothers and ensured their safety. Raph bragged often that he could and would do better if given the opportunity and, sometimes, Leo wanted to let him have this weight he carried, the burden of always having to be the responsible one, but it was his duty to act as leader.

A few hours before dawn saw Leo on his feet, rubbing his fingertips into his bloodshot eyes. Another restless night. Another eight hours of groaning pipes, scurrying rats, and dripping water.

A faint whistling coming through the wall caught his attention and Leo visited the second eldest brother first on his round of nightly check-ins. Don had fallen asleep in his lab, a cold mug of coffee still clutched in his hand while a little puddle of drool pooled around his mouth on the work table his face was pressed against. Donnie’s breath wheezed through his gapped teeth, fogging the metallic surface with each exhale. It didn’t look remotely comfortable, bent up in his chair, but Leo was used to finding Don in strange places and positions, asleep wherever he had finally stopped working. Leo gently pried the mug out of his fingers and draped a blanket over his shoulders. Leo smiled and exited across the hall towards Mikey’s room.

His littlest brother had fallen asleep askew on his bed, arms and legs splayed, comics haloed around him. With a click of his tongue, Leo tidied up the comics, sorting them neatly into the bookshelf. He lifted Mikey’s dead weight, readjusting his position, before pulling back the covers and tucking him in. Leo excused himself from the room with a shake of his head and a little chuckle at the state he often found his brothers in. They may have been an unorthodox family, and their nocturnal habits certainly showcased that, but Leo took heart that, at least for one more night, they were safe and whole.

Leo turned, heading to the remaining bedroom. He usually saved checking on Raph for last and he could tell before even laying a hand on the door knob that he wasn’t sleeping.

Leo rapped his knuckles once on the door then pushed it open to stick his head in. Raph’s sleep came in patterns of restlessness and indulgence and, as was often the case with Raph, there wasn’t much in between. Leo’s brow ridge drew down in concern as he let himself into the room. Raph scowled at him miserably from his hammock but didn’t say anything about the intrusion. He simply sat there, Spike cradled in the crooks of his knees, and stared up at Leo with tired eyes and an unhappy expression.

“Hey,” Leo greeted casually, shutting the door behind himself _._ “How long have you been awake?”

Raph’s eyes were hazy and glazed, making it difficult for Leo to tell whether he was counting the hours or just hadn’t comprehended what he’d been asked. The silence stretched on, past the point of awkwardness and Leo opened his mouth to speak, but shut it again when Raph started to answer.

“Twenty… thirty hours?” Raph wondered aloud, blinking his golden eyes slowly at his big brother, turning his head in a slow motion, as though he was moving through a thick fog. He was tired. Sounded and _looked_ it.

Again. Another cycle of sleeplessness. Raph was useless when the insomnia took hold, and soon he wouldn’t be able to even train safely, never mind patrol. Leo sighed and came fully in the room, resting back against Raph’s bookshelf to cross his arms and look over his troublesome charge. He knew it wasn’t Raph’s fault. He also knew how distressing the inability to sleep could be. Disturbed sleep was one of the few things they had in common.

He’d never admit it, lest he get a fist to the beak, but Leo privately enjoyed Raph’s periodic cycles of sleeplessness. Raph simply didn’t have the energy to keep his spikes sharp when he was this exhausted, and Leo got to see a softer, sweeter side than the one he usually got snarling in his face and cursing him. It was a welcome change, even if that was a cruel and self-serving way to feel.

“Have you tried to sleep?”

“Wow, tried to sleep? Why didn’t I think of that, Leo?” The words were as contentious as always, but lacked the conviction a well-rested Raph would normally put in. Leo smiled, despite himself, and ducked his head down in an attempt to hide the damning gesture from view.

“Leo?”

“Hm?”

Whatever it is he had to say must have been difficult for him, because once he found he had Leo’s focus he began to fidgeting, looking anywhere other than at his older brother. Vulnerability was hard for Raph; it was hard for both of them. Again, Leo wasn’t sure if he was going to speak, but he waited, ever patient, allowing Raph to shift through the tangled up knot of his mind for the way to convey what he felt.

“Somethin’… somethin’s wrong. In my head. There’s somethin’ wrong with me.” Raph sounded so broken when he said it and he looked so small, cradled in his blankets, sunk deep into the depression of the hammock. The self-loathing and reproach; Raph was prone to it. Especially now, it seemed, what with him having not slept in more than a day.

Leo felt his heart skip a beat, and in a moment he was across the room, wishing Raph had a normal bed so that he could sit next to him and put his arms fully around him. He settled with placing a hand on Raph’s shoulder.

“No, Raph,” He kept his tone gentle and measured, and he tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a weak chuckle, “You’re alright. You’re okay, just the way you are. Well, give or take a few things…”

Raph considered Leo’s words, mulled them over as he stared down into the rumpled bedding. The Raph he knew was a consummate braggadocio. Sweet and cuddly Leo could handle, but he didn’t like hearing Raph talk about himself in a negative light. It didn’t fit; it wasn’t him. He needed to find a way to get Raph to sleep, if only for that.

Leo stroked his thumb over the mottled skin of Raph’s shoulder, rubbed over the smooth dryness of his shell underneath the covers. It’s an intimate touch. More so than he knows it ought it to be…

“Hey, Leo?”

“Yeah?”

He didn’t have to wait long for a response this time. Raph shifted over on the hammock and scooted up higher, balancing himself easily within the temperamental sling from so many years of practice. He pushed back the blankets, gazing up at Leo with watery, red-rimmed eyes.

“Lay with me? Just until I fall asleep.” Raph added the last bit hastily, dropping his eyes again as a scowl took over his features, morphing his expression into something Leo was more familiar with.

What could he say? No? He should say no. He shouldn’t indulge this. But he wanted to. He wanted to climb in and wrap himself around Raph, to cradle his head to his chest and rub his back. The thought of doing so warmed him in a way he didn’t know what to make of. The thoughts… for years now, he’d felt them. Noticed things. Tried not to, worried about what it might do to his family, to his judgment, his duty as big brother and leader.

Now was not the time to think about the deeper meaning, Leo decided, and he allowed himself to slide into the hammock, twisting his leg around Raph’s and wrapping an arm around him. His face maintained an expression of neutrality. The space they had to work with is limited. Closeness was a consequence. Not a desire.

Raph shifted and turned, gripping Spike by the edges of his carapace as he reached up and deposited him into his little basket nestled among the books, magazines, and weapons dotting Raph’s nightstand. The little turtle blinked down at them, beady black eyes watching Raph as he nuzzled against Leo, arms reaching out for comfort, clinging to Leo, demanding to be held, surprising Leo with how eager he seems for the affection. Affection from _him_ especially. Leo sighed even as he acquiesced and took Raph in his arms.

Not a desire. Not a desire.

He stroked his fingers over the budding muscles of Raph’s upper arms, tried to find somewhere in the room to put his eyes other than the body next to him, tried to concentrate on something other than the warm tickle of breath on his neck, the way Raph’s lips brushed delicately against him when he spoke.

“Hey, Leo?”

“Yeah?” Leo responded, the word hitching up awkwardly in his throat.

“Whaddya think ‘bout when ya meditate?”

Meditation. Leo sighed again, not divulging just how many hours he had spent holed in his or sensei’s room in meditation due to his little brothers, and Raphael in particular. “As strange as it may sound, nothing. That’s the goal of it for me. To quiet my mind.”

Raph chuckled softly, shook his head, and pushed closer. “Must be fuckin’ hard for you, Mr. I-always-have-a-plan.”

Leo laughed too, turning his head to Raph, his beak bumping against his brother’s forehead. “You have no idea.” His laugh died down, and Leo’s mouth fell into a neutral position with a shake of his head. “You really don’t. It makes me sick some days. Physically sick. That’s why I meditate.”

Raph fell silent a little while after Leo’s melancholy confession and a comfortable reticence stretched between them, broken only by Raph’s restless movements as he shifted over the hammock, drew the blankets up or down, and pressed his beak ever deeper into Leo’s neck, apparently ambivalent towards the internal distress rocketing through Leo like a California wildfire.

After about an hour or so, Raph’s breathing evened out, his muscles uncoiled and a smile spread across Leo’s face. Leo closed his eyes and laid his head down atop Raph’s, pushing down the emotion bubbling in his chest. The desire. Raph was falling asleep, finally, and all it’d taken was a little cuddling and pillow talk.

Another hour ticked by and Leo shifted, just a small turn, but Raph jerked, eyes fluttering, seemingly surprised to see Leo beside him. Leo offered him an apologetic smile and Raph blinked bleary eyes, staring a moment before settling back into the hammock, back against Leo. He adjusted, readjusted, and fell still.

Raph’s groggy voice cut through the silence. “Thanks. For stayin’.”

“You’re welcome,” Leo replied, relenting and dropping a chaste kiss to the top of his brother’s head, figuring he would read as much into as he read into everything else. It hurt Leo, sometimes, to see the lack of recognition of his affections. The apparent incomprehension of the gestures he made towards Raph. The looks he gave that Raph never noticed.

Leo looked down at Raph out of the corner of his eyes, mouth drawing down to a frown; maybe he did know. Maybe he knew and just chose not to acknowledge any of it. He went out all time. Maybe he had someone. If he did, Leo liked to think it wasn’t Casey. He liked to imagine Raph had higher standards than that, though probably not. April was a straight-A computer science/political science double major at NYU and she seemed to like Casey quite a bit. If he was good enough for April…

Ugh. No. Just no.

Leo closed his eyes and held Raphael tighter, peppering feather light kisses over his face, his cheeks, his forehead, over his relaxed brow ridges. Raph’s face was neutral, slack, and unresponsive in his slumber. He was finally asleep, at peace, and Leo was under no obligation now to stay here with him. He could get up, slide smoothly, silently out of the hammock and make his way back to his own room. His own bed. But, he didn’t. He stayed and after a time fell into his own rhythm, slumbering comfortably, the sounds of the sewer fading to the background against the reassurance of Raph’s even inhalations and the quiet snores rumbling his chest.


	2. Liquid Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo and Raph talk about their growing attraction like reasonable, mature adults. Contains 4 parts.

Ever since he was a child, Raph had both literally and figuratively looked up to Leo. The literal sense couldn’t be denied; Raph was the shortest of his brothers, had been since Mikey had hit six or seven and outgrown him. He had to get up on his toes to get into Leo’s face now but that didn’t deter him in the slightest. It fueled Raph’s rage, made him all the more determined to prove himself, to stand tall and proud despite his short stature.

The figurative sense had developed more slowly and taken a long while for Raph to recognize through the years of rivalry and violence that defined their past. The first memories Raph conjured up of Leo were of him under his fists, skin clamped tight betwixt Raph’s sharp teeth, silent tears of frustration rolling down his brother’s face. When Leo had finally been pushed too far, the crack in the veneer he assumed, even as a child, split open and he hit Raph back or tattled to Splinter when Raph’s bullying set his brothers to crying. 

Training had been good for them, all of them, and it gave Raph an outlet for his aggression. Equally important, it gave his brothers a chance to fight back and defend themselves from the family bully. It was there, in the dojo, that Raph started to see a side of Leo he’d never noticed before. He saw the steadfast dedication that Leo poured into hours of meticulous practice, perfecting every move, every step, each subtle shift precise and purposeful in a way that Raph was sure he’d never be able to manage.

Not that he had a desire to; Raph focused more of his time and energy into developing his strength, lifting, and doing push-ups when he couldn’t sleep. He’d do them until his arms shook and refused to hold his substantial weight any longer.  Sleep had always been touch and go with him and he sometimes went weeks at a time with a disrupted pattern. He slept too little or too much and he didn’t know why. It was just something that had always been a part of his life, an off-kilter cycle of slumber that plagued him every few months and interrupted his functionality.

A few weeks ago during a particularly horrible bout of insomnia, Leo had fallen into his bed and stayed with him. Night after night Leo came to his room, holding him, pressing kisses to his forehead, talking softly to him, until Raph’s pattern had corrected itself and Leo stopped coming to his room at night.

Raph’s cheeks burned hotly at the memory brought to the forefront of his mind because Leo was there with him, right in front of him, the two sparring late into the night after their brothers and sensei had left the dojo, and Leo was looking at him with that _smug ass_ _expression_ that made Raph want to knock his teeth out.

“I’m a nerd, huh?” Leo taunted. Raph was sure Leo would have flipped his hair over his shoulder, if he’d had any. “We’ll see who’s a nerd the next time you need a cuddle buddy!”

“Shut up! No one asked you for nothin!”

It was a lie, but Leo didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, he advanced and kept talking.

“You kick a lot in your sleep. Have you ever noticed that a lot of our fights start that way? With one of us getting kicked in the chest?”

“Yeah, well, I always hope you’ll quit talkin’ if I knock the wind outta ya.” Leo easily dodged the predictable kick by dropping down for a sweep. Raph stood his ground and brought his heel down sharply, crunching down Leo’s ankle with rancorous expression on his face. Fuck Leo. Fuck him and his stupid smug ass.

“I can be precise too, you self-satisfied shit!”

Had Raph dropped his full weight down, Leo’d have had to drag and limp his way down the slope leading out of the dojo to Don’s room, wake the braniac up and beg  help for his split ankle which would probably keep him out of practice for a few weeks. While the idea of depriving Leo of his favorite pastime _sounded_ good, Raph was smart enough to know it wouldn’t go over well at all with the rest of the family, especially with all the danger in their lives. He tapered off in the application, pressing down just hard enough to ensure Leo felt it for a good long while.

“ _Ow_! Christ!” Leo yelped, snatching his foot away and up into his hands, rubbing at the blossoming bruise over the joint.

“You’re such a —- god, Raph! You should just stay up all night! You’re more —” But whatever it was that he was more of sleep deprived, Leo didn’t say. Instead, his face purpled with embarrassment and he withdrew, sheathing his swords and dropping his foot. “Forget it. It’s late and we have training in the morning, and I still need to meditate.”

Raphael watched his brother’s disjointed and nervous shuffle out of the dojo with amusement and bit of confusion. He didn’t understand what was up with Leo, but he didn’t let himself think about his suspicions for very long. The thoughts that had invaded his mind as they shared a bed, when Leo had kissed him softly and told him there was nothing wrong with him… Those thoughts were stupid and he was setting himself up to be pissed off and upset later. Instead, he tried to think about nothing, to “quiet his mind” like Leo and Sensei did in their meditations.

It didn’t work very well, and after about half an hour he wandered to Leo’s room and edged the door open with his toe to peer in.

Meditation music. If there was anything Raph disliked more than meditation himself, it was the god-awful CDs Leo sometimes played when he was doing it. He didn’t understand the music, didn’t understand why Leo listened to it, but meditation music wasn’t meant to be entertaining or even good. It was just background noise, something to keep the mind from idling.

The music allowed Leo to focus less on things going on outside of him—the causes of his stresses and anxieties. He didn’t _like_ the music and therefore didn’t really pay attention to it, but rather the empty spaces in between. The silence.

Raphael was not silent and Leo cracked an eye open as his brother strolled in unbidden, plopping down on the bed. Leo blew out a sigh and closed his eyes again, attempting to continue his meditation.

“What is this shit you’re listenin’ to?”

A frog croaked over the sound of heavy rain and rumbling thunder, and Leo blushed again. “It’s… it helps, okay? Do you _need_ something? Want me to hold you until you fall asleep again?”

Leo knew he was being spiteful, but he didn’t know how else to get him out of the room. Physically removing him wouldn’t work. Not for long, anyway, and Leo wasn’t in the mood for another fight after getting his ankle smashed. In all honesty, he’d be glad to hold Raph again, to have an opportunity to be close to him without there being any arguing. He would love to be able to pet him and press kisses to his cheeks, chin… to his lips. Maybe do more than that…

But that wasn’t going to happen and it was best to rile Raph enough that he’d stomp himself out. Raph had more than likely made other arrangements for himself, had someone or multiple someones he saw on his misadventures topside. Even if he didn’t, there was no way that he would be interested in the prospect of being with Leo that way. They were brothers and, more than that, they didn’t exactly did along well.

When Leo opened an eye and saw the hurt on Raph’s face, though, just for a brief second before he noticed Leo was looking and masked it, guilt washed over him.

“That was mean. I’m sorry. I just… I need to do it. I have dreams, dreams about you going to seek vengeance on some poor drug dealer’s face and getting shot. Donnie blowing himself up in the lab, and all of us too. Mikey choking to death on a poison pizza because the Shredder has finally figured out that it’s a more viable and inexpensive option than sending wave after wave of foot bots after us.”

But Raph wouldn’t understand, because it was different for him. He had Casey. A friend to spend time with, to vent his frustration and crack skulls with. Leo had his meditation. That was it. Before Casey had come into their lives, despite the rampant fighting and bullying, Raph had always been _his_ confidant. Raph was the one who challenged him and stood up to him, got in his face and soothed his worries by pointing out how farfetched theywere and that Leo was being an idiot and that even if some of Leo’s terrible imaginings _did_ come to pass, he’d never be alone. He had his family.

But it wasn’t like that anymore. Raph was gone as often as he was home and when he _was_ home they were at each other’s throats. Leo had practically fallen over himself to get into bed with Raph, an opportunity to regain some of that closeness.

Loneliness. Inappropriate yearning. Persistent anxiety. Leo tried to meditate it all away. He performed a daily purge in front of his table, candles, and wafting incense. Raph, partial bearer of the responsibility for those problems, did not seem as though he was planning on leaving any time soon. There was no meditating like this, and Leo reached over to shut off the sounds of _Southern Rainfall at Dusk_. Raph was staring at him, an unsure expression painted over his face, no doubt still sorting through the frustrations Leo had laid out. Leo sighed.

“Hey, Raph,” Leo murmured, pulling at the fibers of his rug before lifting his eyes and smirking, “Want to get drunk?”

Raph’s mouth fell open and Leo stifled a laugh at the shocked expression playing on his little brother’s face. If Shredder himself had walked into the room, Leo did not think Raph would have looked more surprised. He blinked, opened his mouth once as he tried to come up with a response, and then blurted out, “Huh?”

“Drunk. Wasted. Fucked up. I want to do it. I know you and Casey do it all the time. I want to try it.”

Raph didn’t know what to say to that, just continued to stare as he struggled to pick his jaw up off the floor. Drunk? Leo? Control freak Leo wanted to get drunk? No way. He couldn’t be serious. Could he? Raph squinted, surveying Leo, running his eyes up and down him, searching his features for any trace of insincerity. There was none, just Leo looking back at him, his brow ridges drawn down, his lips stretched tight across his face in a thin line.

 Leo _was_ serious _._

“I… uh, okay. Yeah, okay, Leo.” Why not? He was right; he and Casey did get wasted all the time, and Raph even knew a few seedy establishments they could sneak into without much fear of rioting at their appearance, provided they piled on enough hats and scarves and gloves.

“Yeah. Okay. Get your trench coat.” 

  


  


  


**-=- PART TWO -=-**

Two shots in and Leo had determined that Everclear was by far the most repugnant substance in the entire multiverse and that Casey must be stupider than he seemed for willingly imbibing it (if that was possible). What was worse, he’d introduced the drink to Raph, and now the poison had been passed onto Leo, who sat wobbling on his stool, glaring furiously at the shot glass clutched in his fingers.

“Waph…” Leo slurred, feeling too sick and dizzy to be embarrassed, “Why you think this … crap? It’s … toxic.”

Raph had never seen Leo like this, never heard him garbling his speech and substituting words. It was a little disturbing and unsettling, but also profoundly hilarious and Raph lifted his own glass to his lips with a smirk, knocking it back expertly. “More bang for your buck. Drink yer drink.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Leo shouted, so upset that Raph couldn’t help but laugh at the comical image, which only seemed to upset Leo further, setting his lips into a scowl and his brow ridge down.

“Don’t tell me whatta do,” He repeated, “I’m … leader guy.”

“I don’t think so, Boozy McLushface. You’re tore up. I’m the leader now.”

It took Leo a moment to process the latest indignation in his intoxicated state, but when he did he shook his head vehemently, nudging into Raph as he protested, then losing his balance altogether and falling onto Raph’s shoulder.

“Nu uh,” Leo insisted, a thin stream of drool wetting Raph’s shoulder as Leo spoke against it, his lips brushing over the thick skin. “I’m leader. You’re the B side of the A team.”

“B side!?” Raph pushed Leo away, letting him teeter on his stool. “Bullshit I am!”

In response, Leo tilted his head back and laughed as though Raph’s outburst was the funniest thing that had ever happened in the whole world. He giggled until he snorted, arms and face dropping forward over the battered tabletop. Witnessing the bout of hilarity made Raph cringe a little, and he grew too uncomfortable to even be upset anymore, golden eyes darting around the bar as faces swiveled towards them. He wasn’t particularly worried about being discovered; he could take anyone in here, with or without Leo’s help. It was more so seeing Leo like this, so out of control, laughing and speaking so freely, so easily, that sparked Raph’s discomfort.

“A’ight, you’re hilarious,” he hissed, leaning towards Leo. “Geez, you wreck.”

“Yo momma’s a wreck,” Leo retorted, laying his cheek flat over the scarred wood to peer up at Raph with bleary eyes. “Hey, Waph?”

“What?”

“Why’d you fuck Casey?”

Of all the things Leo could have drunkenly inquired, Raph hadn’t really expected that. Leo had been bringing Casey up a lot lately, it seemed, and Raph didn’t understand why. He grit his teeth, biting down a snarl as he glared at his sloshed brother.

“I didn’t fuck Casey, jesus christ!”

“Yeah,” Leo said, kicking Raph under the table, “I think ya did. Did it feel good?”

Drunk or not, Raph could feel anger coiling in him and he drew his arm back, punching Leo in the upper arm, taking satisfaction in the way his brother rocked on his stool, face scrunched up in pain, almost collapsing off of it to the floor. His eldest brother laughed first, hiccuped, then rubbed his arm and Raph was left staring at the incomprehensible picture of Leonardo drunk off his shell.

“Why you gotta punch everyone,” Leo asked, looking up from his bruising arm to meet Raph’s leer. “You probably have a photo album of all the faces you’ve punched. Most of them are Mikey.” Leo stopped, devolving into snickers as Raph glowered at him with incredulity.

“What I’m saying is,” Leo jabbed at Raph’s plastron, missed, and slipped down the table, “You need some new hobbies. ‘Sides Face-Punch: The Gathering and fucking Casey Jones.”

Raph scoffed, a low snarling noise as he gripped Leo by the forearms to keep him from swaying right off his stool and onto the floor. “Yeah, okay, waste case.”

Laughter gurgled out of Leo, then turned to a wince as he brought a hand up to brace his temple.

“Ugh,” he groaned, looking at the shot glasses on the table. “This stuff is literal poison. Call the tab. I’m sick.”

As Raph rose to his feet and went to close their tab, he kept his eyes on Leo wobbling at the table. He was so far removed from the picture of stoic leader, stern big brother, that Raph wasn’t sure what to make of what he was seeing or the bizarre role-reversal of suddenly being in charge of his big brother’s safety. It was like having a child, and Raph wondered if this was how Leo felt most of the time. He didn’t think so; they weren’t this much trouble. Well, perhaps Mikey was, but certainly not the rest of them.

It was obvious that Leo couldn’t walk on his own, so Raph hooked an arm around his shell, pulling him up to lean on Raph’s shorter frame. Leo groaned, his head lolling forward, and Raph grimaced at the prospect of getting thrown up on. They didn’t have a washing machine, and clothes were sparse anyway.

“You better hold whatever’s tryin’ to get outta your mouth in, Fearless,” Raph ordered, dragging Leo out of the bar and, once no one was looking, up towards the roofs for easier travel. After a few blocks, he simply stopped and slung Leo over his shell, deciding it would be easier than trying to maneuver his useless brother over rooftops at his side. Leo seemed to like the position, settled easily, gripping Raph’s biceps tightly and dropping his head down into the crook of Raph’s broad shoulders.

“Hey, Raph.” Leo broke the silence, opening his dark eyes to slits, staring at through the haze of smog and light pollution of the New York sky, wishing he could see the stars better as they bounded across the roofs towards their home. “Since you haven’t fucked Casey, is there anyone else? That you’ve thought about?”

That was a question, and Raph didn’t know how to answer it, and so he didn’t. He just shook his head and kept moving, easing them through a manhole once they were close to their underground lair. The air was putrid and Raph hated it, much preferred the freedom and freshness of being topside. It was the main reason he acquiesced to Leo’s practical training schedule, running through drills and exercises just so he could get outside without anyone fussing at him about it.

“I can’t believe you got so trashed off a coupla shots,” Raph goaded, smirking to himself as he carried Leo through the threshold of their home. When no response came, Raph quirked an eye ridge, looking back over his shoulder. “Leo?”

But Leo did not respond. He’d slipped into sleep as they traversed the sewer, drooling lightly over Raph’s shoulder, his brow ridges drawn together in a perpetual expression of distress that made Raph laugh even as he hauled him down and dumped him onto a beanbag near the punching bag.

=———————————————————————-=

Leo woke up suddenly, violently thrashing for a second, and looked around him for the source of the gurgled scream he’d heard in his dream. He’d woken up from nightmares in different dimensions one too many times in his life. Sweaty. A burning feeling in the pit of the stomach. Dry mouth. Powerful thirst for water. Blurred vision. Definitely drunk.

"We just came back from the bar right?" Leo asked, just to be sure.

Raph was not far away, hammering at his punching bag with none too precise strikes, occasionally hitting nothing but air.

"What’s with you, bro?" he asked, his voice softer than usual as he pulled back and gave the bag a feeble punch. He rarely saw Leo freak out like this, and it was unsettling. And Raph didn’t understand. He didn’t know what was wrong. And he didn’t know how to fix it.

Leo nodded to himself, only half hearing Raphael’s gentle questioning. He’d been so wound up lately. Like Don on no sleep and coffee wound up. Meditation hadn’t been helping. Training only focused him so much, but then when it was over he went back to feeling useless again. Back to not knowing what to do with himself. Was this how Raph felt all the time? Was this why he went out with Casey to beat people in darkened alleyways every other night?

His stomach lurched sickeningly and Leo paused, trying to figure out if he should run to the bathroom or no. “I hate this part,” he said, putting a hand to his lower plastron. “The puke-waiting-game.”

Raph made a noise between a scoff and a chuckle. What would Leo know about it? He could count the times he’d seen Leo drink on one hand. Raph, on the other hand, knew far too well what it felt like when that sickness lurched within, trying to decide if it was going to settle or roll out. He wiped his face with his workout towel and took a step towards Leo, holding out his hand.

"C’mon. You should lay down."

"Yeah…" Leo took the offered hand and followed Raph to the couch. Man, this couch. Everything in their home looked like this. A Frankenstein’s monster of welding and sewing and shoddy upholstery work. Raph sat on the floor in front of the couch, letting Leo take up all of the space. He fidgeted awkwardly then turned. Gently, he laid his hand on the middle of Leo’s plastron and started to rub in soothing circles. He’d learned that trick from Casey to settle a drunken stomach, but there was no way he was going to tell Leo about that. He didn’t need more encouragement.

“Heh,” Leo chuckled, shaking his head, remembering the old days as he laid down. “Remember when we only had ONE mattress? And Sensei had to sleep on a tarp?”

"Yeah, I remember."

"You used to always get into tussles with Mike. He had that thing about licking our heads for the longest time." Leo closed his eyes, making the decision to question Raph about the tummy rubbing later. Not now. Right now it felt good and was keeping him from throwing up all over the place.

"Ugh. Don’t remind me." Raph had eventually gotten used to it and put up with it through passive annoyance, as he often had to with Mikey. He looked up at Leo, wondering if he was falling asleep. His own head was spinning and he didn’t feel fantastic, but he wanted to make sure Leo was okay before he let himself pass out.

"Hey, Leo?"

"Hm?"

"You know we’ve got your back, right? Like, you know … don’t you?"

Leo paused, hand moving to stroke up the back of Raph’s neck as his little brother laid it on the edge of the couch cushions, fidgeting awkwardly as his forehead rested against the bridge of Leo’s shell as he continued to rub over his unsettled stomach.

"Yeah, Raph. I know.” A soft smile curled his lips and he shifted, opening his arms to invite Raph up. “Just get in here, stupid.”

Raph lifted his head and blinked, more surprised than offended by the jab. “You’re the stupid, stupid,” He muttered, but lifted up and squeezed onto the couch next to Leo anyway. “And you better not puke on me.”

"I’m gonna. Right in your mouth. And you’re gonna love it."

"That’s disgusting."

Leo laughed, then groaned as his stomach flopped in protest of the alcohol ravaging his insides. It was his punishment. Raph tensed in response, ready to bolt off the couch if Leo showed signs of actually vomiting. It was the benefit of being a ninja who was used to being drunk; he could still move damn quick if he needed to. Raph readjusted, laying on his side with one arm curled under his head, the other hand going back down to rub Leo’s plastron.

"I don’t think I’m going to. I think I just… jesus, Raph. Everclaear?! Why? You and Casey are some sick fucks for drinking that stuff straight. Ugh."

Raph’s lips curled into a smile. “I guess that makes you a sick fuck now too.”

"…Guess so. Lemme come to poker next time," Leo said, shaking his head and snuggling down into the pillows. "I’m sick of hearing you brag about what a dynamic duo you and Casey are. I wanna play so I can take all your money. And no, I’m not too honorable to gamble."

Not too honorable for a lot of things, Leo thought, swallowing down another belly cramp.

Raph groaned internally. How did he say this without hurting Leo’s feelings? Casey… Leo and Casey got along okay, and Casey though Leo was a cool guy, with some minor exceptions, but Leo wouldn’t be into what he and Casey did… hell, Raph wasn’t even gonna tell him what he and Casey got up to most of the time.

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Maybe."

"I’m your brother. How about yes?"

"You aren’t just my brother, ya know. And Casey… just, maybe, okay?"

"Just maybe why?.."

Raph pulled his hand back from Leo’s plastron to rub his temples. “Fuck, Leo, just go ta sleep.”

"You’re impossible. I’m going to my room."

” _I’m_ impossible? Good luck getting to your room.”

Leo made a noise of disgust and shoved at Raph, attempting to get up off the couch. He moved too quickly for the amount of alcohol in his system and ended up falling flat on his face three feet from the couch. He laid there for a long moment, his mouth hanging open in disbelief and embarrassment. He was a ninja. Ninjas were supposed to be able to transcend. And yet there he was, lying face down on the floor, dizziness swirling his head and clouding his senses. On top of that, Leo’s stomach rolled one final time, pushing up the liquid foulness that had been waiting within.

He was vomiting. And laying in it. Shame descended on him and he gave a few paltry attempts at getting up, but only slipped in the mess. The need to cry prickled at the corner of his eyes seeing the expression on Raph’s face as he looked down on him.

This was wrong. It was supposed to be the other way around. Raph was usually the one puking and knocking back aspirin.The disgrace of it rolled through Leo and his stomach lurched again, emptying putrid bile and the watery remains of the Everclear he’d consumed a couple hours previous. It burned almost as much coming up as it had going down, and Leo gagged, coughed, and spit once the vomit had worked its way out of his throat.

“Jesus, Leo!” That was Raph, calling him as though through a fog, and Leo groaned as strong hands gripped him, turned him, and finally just lifted him up altogether. He pushed half-heartedly at Raph, cheeks flaming with self-loathing as he unintentionally wiped the mess over Raph’s plastron. Raph, however, seemed to neither mind nor even notice and hauled Leo across the lair, pushing the door of Leo’s bedroom open with his foot to deposit Leo inside. He then turned without a word and returned to the living room.

Leo could hear the bathroom door open, the water running; Raph was cleaning the mess he’d made on the floor, and Leo squeezed his eyes shut, head falling down into the pillows. This day needed to end. Be over already, behind him, hopefully blacked out of his mind, though the idea of not being able to remember things which had happened to him was mildly terrifying. Still, it’d be better than the memory of Raph looking at him like that, coming back into the room with a damp rag and an expression of concerned pity.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Leo growled, wanting to turn his shell to Raph but not being able to stomach the motion, “You can _go now_.”

“Don’t fuckin’ snap at me, asshole,” Raph replied, coming into the room and wiping the rag roughly through the filth on Leo’s plastron, “I just finished moppin’ up your puke!”

“No one asked you to!”

The guilt multiplied as Leo witnessed the angry confusion on Raph’s face, masking the hurt lurking below the surface, the signs of which Leo had long since learned to recognize. He groaned again, pressing his now clean palms to the back of his eyelids.

“Sorry. I didn’t … I feel really bad, Raph.”

“You smell really bad too.”

Leo slid a palm down, cracking an eye open as he scowled. “Thanks for that. Anything else?”

In response, his impetuous little brother just grinned and spread his hands wide. Leo couldn’t help but smile as well, and he chuckled weakly, but it jostled his stomach so he quickly suppressed it, lest he throw up again. It’d be harder to clean it off the sheets.

Silence stretched between them after Raph had tossed the dirty rag into Leo’s laundry hamper, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed as he considered the events of the night and how they fit into the grand scheme of all the things that had transpired with Leo. Raph had never seen this type of vulnerability before, the way that Leo incapacitated himself and trusted Raph to take care of the both of them. Whether Leo had meant it in the way or not did not matter, because Raph recognize the implicit trust of what they were doing, and it made his chest swell in a way he didn’t quite understand.

“How’s your stomach feel?” Raph asked quietly as the silence turned peaceful and Leo’s breath began to even out, the stress on his face easing. He got a grunt in a response and Raph chuckled, pulling himself up to his feet.

Small waves crashed in his head, not the oceans Leo was likely experiencing, and he rocked a bit as he ambled towards the door to put himself to bed. Before he could make it, Leo’s voice interrupted him.

“Hey, Raph?”

“Yeah?”

“You … um … have cool eyes.”

Raph blinked, turning to stare at Leo. Cool … eyes? He didn’t think his eyes were anything special, a dark amber that none of his brothers possessed, but all of their eyes were different from one another. There was the crimson of Don’s, alight with the spark of someone who always knew more than you did and was well aware of it, and the bright baby blue of Mikey’s, shining in the bliss of ignorance. And Leo’s … Leo thought his eyes were boring, but Raph didn’t agree. They were deep brown, like melted chocolate, swirling, always shifting between an unnerving smolder and a blaze so intense Raph sometimes thought he could feel it scorching down to his bones …

He swallowed harshly, eye ridges furrowing. “Uh, thanks.”

“You’re welcome. And you’re good with your sai. Really good.”

“Thanks?”

For a while, Leo did not speak and Raph didn’t think he was going to. He waited, confused and staring at Leo’s closed lids, unsure of what to make of the entire bizarre journey they’d just taken together. With a shrug, he once more turned towards the door.

“Raph. One more thing.”

“What?”

“One more thing,” Leo murmured sleepily, rolling onto his side, then seemingly to think better of it and shifting back onto his carapace, “I think… I …”

But whatever it was that he thought, he never said. Leo’s mouth went slack, a little drool dribbling from his lips as sleep took him and left Raph standing and staring, wondering what else it was that Leo possibly could have to say to him. He thought … what?

With a sigh and an ominous roll of his own stomach, Raph let himself out of the room. He’d ask Leo in the morning and, if he was lucky, Leo would remember what it was that he wanted to confess. If he was even luckier, Leo might actually tell him. He’d find out after training.

Fuck! Training. With a groan, Raph drug himself to his bedroom, choosing the floor over the swinging hammock, miserable with sickness and the realization that he had to be up in four hours to do katas.

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


**-=- PART THREE -=-**

When morning came, Raph refused to get out of bed no matter how much Leo knocked and commanded. The sharp raps vibrating in his skull felt like the jackhammers above, when construction workers tried to fix the ever growing cracks in New York’s concrete. Eventually, Leo retreated and had to ask their sensei to retrieve Raph for training, an action which brought embarrassment to Leo and, naturally, agitation from Raph.

He yelled as loudly as he could, it seemed, his voice torturing Leo’s sore head. Just a little bit longer and he could get back to his room. That was what he kept telling himself as Sensei lectured, as Mikey made another turtle related pun, Don listened politely yet vacantly, and Raph stared sullenly off to the side. Leo, himself, was hungover and sick. What a team. Some leader.

Practice was awful, as expected. All the lights were so intensely bright that it felt as thought he was staring into death. His mouth was dry and cottony and his body begged for water and more sleep. It was difficult to concentrate on sparring, and Raph wasn’t holding back, taking his aggression at Leo out through the training. It wasn’t that different from usual, really, despite the drinking misadventure they’d partaken in the night previous. Raph’s strikes were a little harder, a bit less controlled, and Leo didn’t dodge them as well as he usually did. The thing was, Raphael hadn’t felt particularly mad at Leo when he’d gone to bed. Somehow or another, the memories had stewed in his dreams and Leo tattling to Sensei that Raph wouldn’t get out of bed for training had pushed him over the edge from annoyed to angry.

Mikey and Donnie looked on in wonder as their brothers fought. They’d heard yelling last night, but that happened all the time. They were used to this, as was their sensei, though he looked more stern, less patient as he watched his sons circle each other like dogs.

'I will never drink again,' Leo thought to himself as he miscalculated a dodge and took a punch to the center of his plastron, sending him careening backward into the fragile wooden doors of the dojo. Raph cracked his knuckles with satisfaction; that hit was going to leave a bruise. He grinned, spreading his hands wide in taunt and challenge as Leo wrenched himself out of the splintered wood and back into a ready stance.

"Yame!"

Splinter stood, slamming his walking stick down into the tatami mat, ending the fight before his children did serious damage to one another. He looked down at his sons, noting Raphael’s smug satisfaction at hurting Leonardo and the old rat blew out a sigh. “That is enough for this morning.”

Leo turned to Splinter, bowed, and made his way out of the dojo, forgoing the customary bow of respect to his opponent. It wasn’t a mature action, something more suited to Raph, but he was tired and he was thirsty and, right now, he hated Raph’s guts. He stomped into the kitchen and wrenched the fridge open, pulling out the chilled jug of water and, without even bothering with a glass, upturned it. He shuddered as the cool droplets of water trickled down his chin and over his neck, collecting in the dip of his collar bone as he drank.

The training had done nothing to cool Raph’s anger and seeing Leo across the lair wasn’t helping either. He knew, deep down, that there was no real reason for him to be as upset as he was, but he couldn’t help it. The rage coiled in him, reminded him of Leo laughing at him the night before, goading him on about fucking Casey. Raph scowled, crossing the room to snatch his hoodie off the hook near the turnstiles.

“I’m goin’ to Casey’s.”

"Who cares where you go?!" Leo snarled in reply, slamming the jug down onto the counter, water slopping up and over the edges. Donnie put his hands over his ear and retreated to his lab, wondering what in the hell was wrong with them. Mikey frowned, coming up behind Leo and putting his hand on his shoulder as Raph hurled himself out of the lair.

"You could just say you wanna hang, Leo," Mikey said gently, a comforting look on his face as he watched Leo watching the empty space where Raph had been a second earlier.

Leo said nothing, but shrugged the hand off his shoulder and turned, going into his bedroom and locking the door behind him. With a deep sigh, Leo fell onto the bed and pulled the blankets up around him. He wasn’t supposed to want to be around Raph like that anymore. He was supposed to have grown out of that particular need. He was no longer a child. No longer in need of… What? What was it that he needed from Raphael?

Deep down, Leo knew, but he just wasn’t able to admit it, even to himself, alone in his bedroom. And so, he went to sleep.

=——————————————————————————————————————-=

Raph didn’t come home that night or the next night. He didn’t know what Leo’s problem was, but he couldn’t deal with him when he was so irrational. It wasn’t like Leo at all and it left Raph flailing, unsure of how to interact with him, unsure of how they fit together when they were both upset, though he was sure it involved claws and teeth. He didn’t understand why Leo was so mad; he’d taken him drinking, like he’d asked, and he’d even taken care of his sorry butt once they got home. The ingratitude pissed him off!

He didn’t go to Casey’s, like he’d said. He’d just said that to piss Leo off. It was petty, sure, but he didn’t care right now. As his master had told him, words could be weapons, and Raph had aimed his in a way that he knew would get under Leo’s skin, even if he wasn’t sure why.

Instead, he found places to be. Places he either hadn’t been before, so his brothers couldn’t find him, or places he knew his bizarre appearance wouldn’t be noticed, mentioned, or cared about. He drank a lot and he fought a lot during his absence, ignoring all calls to his shell cell, moving if he thought he’d been in one place too long.

He couldn’t stay gone forever, though, and after two days Raph drug himself home, tired but no less frustrated that when he left. With any luck, his family would be asleep and he wouldn’t have to see them, wouldn’t have to face Master Splinter’s disappointed stare until the morning.

Luck, however, was not a virtue of the Hamato Clan and Leo was sitting on the couch when Raph pulled in around three in the morning. He was doing something that he rarely did unless others were present: watching television. The lack of ability to meditate during the nights Raph had been missing in action had been driving him up the wall and he’d had to come up with other ways to spend his time. And so, for the last two nights he’d been sitting in the living room after his brothers went to bed, watching old movies. He’d grown somewhat fond of them and even knew some of the actors by their faces.

"Hey, Raph," he said when he heard the faint sound of his brother’s feet slapping the stone floor.

Raph swallowed. “Hey.”

"Smells like you had fun."

The nights had included the typical for him, and he hadn’t bothered to wash the blood or spilled booze off. He shrugged his sloped shoulders. “I’m going to take a shower.”

"No. Do that later."

Raph tensed, bracing for the fight, but Leo’s response surprised him. His brother turned and looked at him over his shoulder, his face impassive and stony.

“Come watch this movie with me.” It’s called Tondalayo. Ever seen it?” The beginning credits roll, and the face of a young Englishman appears on the screen in black and white.

“Never heard of it,” Raph replied, coming into the living room and dropping onto the couch next to Leo with a hint of reservation. Something else was at work here, had to be, but he didn’t know what.

"I’ve seen it six times in two days. I hate it."

“… then why are we watching it?”

"Because I want you to hear the story."

Raph balked, staring at his eldest brother, incredulous that Leo’s lecturing had surpassed mere words and were now coming in the form of movies.

"I can make it quick if you’re eager to wash off the taint," Leo smirked, looking Raph over. "I can just explain. No passing out this time." In response, his brother spread his hands wide, indicating that he was listening, and Leo heaved a sigh.

"This movie is about a guy who goes to a rubber tree plantation in Africa. He gets there and there’s a woman named Tondalayo. She’s beautiful, big brown eyes, nice assets, and she’s the only girl for miles who is showing him any interest. The foreman, Whistle, keeps trying to warn him she’s a gold digger but he doesn’t listen and marries  her.  She gets tired of him and tries to kill him by poisoning him one night. Long story, Raph…"

Raph tried to take the story in, but he didn’t understand what point Leo is trying to make with the movie, or how it related to them or their situation. Leo sighed again.

"Long story _short_ … I’m sorry. I’m just going to  admit it—I’m jealous of what you and Casey have. I don’t have any friends outside of here! I know Casey’s a good guy. He’s not your Tondalayo. It just gives me something to yell at you about other than you being… well, you.”

Leo brought his hands up to rub his temples. “That speech sounded so much cooler and made so much more sense in my head. I haven’t meditated in a while… I think there might be something wrong with me.”

The apology was a surprise, though, as well as the declaration. April was mostly Don’s friend and Mike had Woody, and Raph realized he’d never considered Leo’s lack of friendships and what that might mean to him. Leo had Usagi, but he wasn’t around much, and maybe it wasn’t the same as having a human friend. The lack of meditation surprised him too; Leo meditated like other guys masturbated.

The distress harkened back to the previous night, Leo vulnerable before him, and Raph struggled to find the right response. Raph reached out, hooking an arm in Leo’s and drug him over. He shifted and wrapped that arm around his shoulders once he was close, not embarrassed by it. His memory flashed to a few weeks ago, perhaps the night that all … this started, when Leo had held him in the hammock and assured him that there was nothing wrong with him.

“There’s nothin’ wrong with you, Leo,” Raph murmured as Leo laid his head down on his shoulder, surprised and pleased by the sudden burst of affection from Raphael. He noted, with purpling cheeks, that the blood and alcohol smelled good on Raph, enticing as it mingled with the sweet spice of his natural scent.

Leo sighed; it sounded nice, but Raph didn’t know. He didn’t understand the way Splinter’s disapproving look during training wore on him, didn’t know what it was like to feel completely isolated. They were all isolated, an inevitable part of their condition, but Leo was the only one who was truly alone. He didn’t like it, didn’t like the way that it made him feel, the crushing pressure of his responsibility and no one to share the burden with, and he didn’t like the way he felt now. Meditation had been one of his only reprieves and the lack of it had him struggling with vulnerability that he neither liked nor wanted. He sat up, pushing Raph off of him.

"We’re taking it to the dojo,” Leo said, getting to his feet and moving without waiting to see if Raph would follow. Of course he would. The dojo was where they worked out their feelings, made sense of the confusion, and he knew that Raph wouldn’t pass up the chance to smack him around again.

He’d cleaned up the broken door, repaired it as best he could, earlier in the day, and Leo dropped into a ready stance adjacent to his little brother. “You’re the reason I can’t meditate.”

The statement caused Raph to flounder for only a moment, but he mirrored the stance, his face drawn in agitated confusion. “Me? What the hell did I do?”

"You leave all the time. To go hang out with Casey and… ‘bust heads’ and drink! You’re the only person I can talk to sometimes, Raph. But you’re never here."

So there it was. Raph had no retort, nothing at all to say, and so he let his body do the talking for him. Leo wasn’t hungover this time; he wasn’t going to go down as easily as he had two days ago. More so than that, Leo was out of sorts, scattered, concentration shot and when Raph dropped down for an uncharacteristic sweep, his big brother went down, landing hard on his shell, Raph pouncing on top of him, knocking the wind out of him.

A raspy chuckle escaped Leo’s lips and he shrugged his shoulders, acquiescing. “You got me, meathead. What now?”

Strong hands wrapped tightly around Leo’s wrists, tighter than necessary, and he loomed over Leonardo with an angry expression. Sharp, genuine anger for reasons that he has not expressed fades and confusion follows, pushing the anger to the background as the confliction in Raph’s expression grows. Leo’s fingers were beginning to go numb and it was difficult to breathe with Raph sitting on top of him. What was he so angry about all of a sudden, he wondered. This was supposed to be the make-up spar, something to release the tension between them, not compound it.

Leo stares up at Raph with the same blank expression he’d held earlier, his impassive face. Something was on Raph’s mind; he was confused about something, struggling through his feelings, and talking wasn’t going to help him figure it out. And so, Leo stayed quiet, let the cogs turn inside the head above his own. But Raph hated it, hated that face. It was one that he rarely mirrored; impassive was not something that Raph often felt.

In truth, everything was making him angry: the heat radiating off Leo’s body, his expression, the confessions, and he squeezed harder, knowing that his nails would be cutting deeply into Leo with the compression, and feeling oddly gratified in the knowledge. Leo deserved to be hurt for the things he was doing, the way he was twisting Raph up inside.

Did he know? Did he understand the reason that Raph could fall asleep with Leo in his room when nothing else worked? Would he care, or would he just tease Raph like he had a few days ago, make fun of him for the disgusting neediness of it. Mock Raph for his need? A ridiculous stupid need that would be politely refused at best, violently rejected at worst. What if everything got fucked up? Would Leo still spar with him? Would he even want Raph to be part of the team? Part of the _family_? He knew he could go live with Casey and April if he ever needed to, but… he did not want to do that. He couldn’t say it, refused to say it, but Leo was important to him, Leo’s _approval_ was important to him,  and…

He knew he needed Leo more than Leo needed him.

Was this how it was going to be? The constant fights and misunderstandings, exposing vulnerability to one another and then punishing, mocking? Leo had said… that sometimes Raph was the only one he wanted to talk to. But, why? What did Leo think? What did he _feel_? What was happening behind that dead-eyed expression?

Raph steeled his jaw. Fuck. It. Fuck this shit. He was not doing this anymore. He was done. The stupid penetrating words that made him wonder if maybe…  the awkward glances and touches and silences that followed. He was done with it. Done with it all.

Raph dropped his head and pushed his mouth to Leo’s.

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


**-=- PART FOUR -=-**

Wow. That was Leo’s first response to the eager and clumsy kiss Raph planted over his face, the corners of his lips, the edge of his chin. He let his eyes slide shut and listened for the silence: the noiseless areas through the cacophony of sounds, the place where he found peace, the place he’d been unable to access since Raph had been gone, topside, gone… Leo listened, and he let out a small sigh against his brother’s kiss; he could hear it now. He could feel it.

There were no conscious thoughts left in Raph’s mind. His brain had overloaded, short circuited, and shut down. Nothing was left but Leo’s cool skin underneath him, Leo’s scent, the way their beaks smashed together … was this what meditation was like?

Leo could probably wrestle out of the hold, if he really wanted to, and Raph could feel him struggling. He did not ease up, though, and instead forced his mouth against Leo’s, tongue darting out to taste before pushing inside. Raph’s entire body was tense and trembling atop Leo, his emotion rolling through his muscles, shaking his body, making his kisses deep and full and hard and a little painful, mirroring his feelings.

Leo opened his mouth wider to let Raph in, blocking out the ache in his wrists to concentrate on the taste of Raph’s tongue as it slid over his own. He wanted to get out of this hold, but moving might ruin this thing they’d found and he didn’t want that. He wanted Raph to stay right where he was, on top of him. Kissing him. Did Raph even understand that Leo liked it? That he hadn’t kicked Raph off because he _wanted_ it? But how to send a message to someone as insistent as Raph?

In all actuality, however, they _were_ right outside of Sensei’s room, and Leo could not stomach the thought of another disapproving glance. Not right now. Not for this, and so he pulled his knee up in between them and forced Raph off, inhaling deeply as Raph’s mouth broke from his own. Raph stared down, panting lightly, watching Leo take a breath, trying to read his expression. He didn’t look angry, but he often didn’t, even when he was. After a few seconds of catching breath, Leo spoke.

"My room."

Raph just nodded and stood on shaking legs, following Leo out of the dojo.

"You could have told me," Leo murmured, pushing open the door to his room, turning to face his brother once they were inside. Raph only shrugged, looking anywhere but at Leo, and Leo found himself softening as he watched Raph. He was oddly endearing like this, uncomfortable, open, perhaps even scared and Leo smiled with tenderness, trying to make his voice soothing. Like water over stone, as Sensei would say.

"What’d you think I was gonna do?"

But that clearly was not the correct response because Raph clenched his fists by his sides, expression tight and upset. Leo frowned, suppressing a sigh; his responses usually were not the correct one, no matter how hard he tried. Leo _always_ tried, spent hours practicing expressions in his mirror, trying to convince his body to emote the way that seemed to come so naturally to his brothers. He tried to coerce his countenance to convey what he desired, but it always seemed to be for naught and Raph didn’t look any more comfortable now than he had in the dojo.

"I don’t know. Give me that fucking look you always do when you’re…. disappointed." Raph groaned internally, rolling his eyes up. He thought they were done with the awkward conversation. He wished someone would just shoot him and save him from this torture. Raph turned as soon as the words passed his lips, reaching for the handle of the door so he could slam out of it, away from this, away from these feelings and this conversation and Leo’s penetrating eyes.

"No. Raph, don’t leave! Come back. Come here."

Raph’s hand twitched on the knob, and he had to take a breath before he turned to face Leo again. He took another breath and a step closer to Leo, eyes darting around the floor, looking everywhere by at Leo, ready to bolt at the smallest utterance or sign of disgust.

Leo stepped towards Raph, meeting him in the middle of the room, and let his eyes wander over Raph for the second time. He was still wearing the jacket he’d left in, smelling like spilled booze and blood. It smelled good; why did other people’s misfortune look so good on him? Leo’s eyes narrowed and he followed a thick vein in Raph’s neck up to where it stopped under his chin and, before he could second guess himself, closed the distance between the two of them. Strong hands gripped Raph’s forearms tightly and he leaned in, running his tongue up the length of that beautiful beating artery.

Raph tensed as Leo took a step closer to him, hands coming up, like he was ready to fight. And he was; Raph was always ready to fight. What he wasn’t ready for was Leo’s tongue on his skin. His breath caught and his body twitched, hands uncurling and shaking, and he was unsure of what to do with them. Leo’s mouth, fumbling against his skin, made his blood boil, and he swallowed hard against the sensation. His hands settled on Leo’s upper arms, pulling his body closer, pressing their plastrons together. He leaned his head to the side, baring his neck for Leo.

Leo brought his mouth down to Raph’s collarbone, sucking it hard enough to bruise. Raph was dirty; he needed a shower and Leo liked that. There was something really appealing about it, though he didn’t know what. Raph’s mouth fell open in a soft groan as Leo’s teeth grazed his collarbone and his hands tightened around his brother’s arms.

Pulling Raph into him, Leo walked them backward to his bed and turned around, sitting Raph down, who let himself be led towards the bed and sat when pushed, for once not questioning or being disobedient. He waited eagerly to see what Leo would do, though his impatience was painted over his face, easing only when Leo straddled Raph, wrapping his arms his neck, crushing his mouth to his. He flicked his tongue up and around to feel all the different little textures in Raph’s mouth.

Underneath him, Raph ran his fingers across Leo’s body, letting them rest on the muscles of Leo’s thighs. This was new. It was new and it was good and he liked it. His mouth opened wide, drawing Leo’s tongue in, pushing against it with his own until there was no breath left in him, and even then it took a moment before Raph broke the kiss. With a shaky breath, he rested his forehead against Leo’s shoulder.

"… I never fucked Casey," he murmured in a small voice. Leo’s jealousy and comments, which had seemed ridiculous a few days ago, made sense now, and it was suddenly very important that Leo know that nothing like that had transpired between him and Casey, between him and _anyone_.

"… Oh," was all Leo said in response. It was all he could think to say. Their mouths were just mere inches apart as they sat wrapped around one another, Raph with his shell pressed against the wall, Leo in his lap, arms around his neck. He had so much he wanted to tell Raph right now, so many things he wanted to do he wasn’t sure how to _actually_ do. Cosmopolitan (if Raph ever knew he read that…) gave terrible advice. This had not played out the way Sheila from Texas had said it would.

"How do you know how to kiss so well then?" he asked, pushing thoughts of what to say and how out of his mind, leaving it to the Lone Star State as he stuck his nose under Raph’s chin and bit down on the thinner skin there.

"Natural talent."

Raph was getting the swing of things, and his brain let his body take over as his confidence returned, now that he knew he wouldn’t be rejected for his feelings. He didn’t stifle his groan as Leo’s teeth sunk into his neck, and instead arched into the touch. It felt amazing: the pain and the pleasure crashing together and he grabbed Leo’s waist. With a push, Raph was over Leo again, though he was gentler this time, pinning Leo with his presence rather than his hands. His head dipped down, pressing a kiss to Leo’s mouth, his neck, then the hollow of his throat.

The back of Leo’s head collided with the crumpled sheets and he pulled Raph’s head down when it reached his throat. There was nothing to shield the skin on Raph’s head from Leo’s sharp nails as Raph laid into his neck viciously, sharp teeth clamping down hard enough to break skin. Leo moaned out as Raph’s mouth moved over the wound before pulling away, but only just, to look at the blood that he’d drawn.

"Don’t just stare at it. Lick it."

"Don’ tell me what to do," Raph mumbled against Leo’s throat, giving him a nip. His hands splayed over Leo’s sides and he slid down his body, kissing and biting as he went, running his tongue over the harshest of the bites. He stopped when he got to Leo’s legs and kissed the junction of thigh and shell, relishing the little shivers coursing through Leo’s body as Raph’s mouth began exploring the more sensitive parts of him. Leo’s toes curled and, on reflex, he brought his knees up. Dark brown eyes fell to half mast and he watched Raph down between his legs, licking, biting… it was so good and he hoped like hell that Raph wouldn’t regret it in the morning, wouldn’t turn away from him and run off, like he had done before.

"How did you know? Jesus…" Broad palms came up to cover his face as the electricity from that touch crackled through him. Instinct, he’d said, and Leo was inclined to believe him. How else would Raph find the most sensitive spot on Leo’s body the first time?

Leo tried to keep it down. He did everything he could think of: he stuffed a wad of sheet in his mouth, put a pillow on his face, but nothing worked. His moans still filled the air and leaked out past the confines of his room. Someone out there must be listening, he knew, as he was lying underneath Raph, his tail glistening with want. Dark red and purple marks were beginning to flare up in the places where Raph had really laid into him, and each bite made him buck up into the air for more contact with his brother’s teasing mouth.

"Raph,” he moaned out, low and strangled, and Raph moaned too in a way that was exactly the opposite of helpful. Palms pressed hard into the backs of his eyelids, Leo took a deep breath. “Raph, stop! Let me go! Somebody’s gonna come in here—you’re too good at that!"

Well, that was a strange compliment and Raph chuckled, shaking his head as he dropped little kisses down the inside of Leo’s muscled thighs. “Are you kidding? It’s like four in the morning,” he pointed out, sliding his hand up Leo’s thigh to rest on his slick tail.

Leo glanced toward the door, then back to where Raph’s hand rested on his tail, biting his lip. Raph was smiling in that way he had, the wide grin that he used when he knew he’d backed Leo into a corner and Leo groaned; and Raph called _him_ smug.

“Alright,” he said finally, desire winning out over reservation. This was something that he wanted to explore. He’d never been touched like this before, and the idea that it was _Raph_ touching him, Raph’s lips and tongue and hands gliding over his fevered body…

Leo squeezed his eyes shut and let out a breath when he felt Raph’s tongue flick over the hard muscle of his legs, stopping occasionally to circle certain areas. When his hands found his tail it was all he could do to keep from clamping those powerful limbs down and grinding into that lovely bit of pressure. Raph was breathing hard, happy his own body was turned down towards the bed, out of Leo’s sight, hiding embarrassing reactions. He switched his mouth and hands, fingers curling against Leo’s hips while he drug his tongue down the length of Leo’s tail.

"Oh, _fuck_ … I don’t wanna train today. I can’t. I can’t…” It all came out in a rush, the words and Leo’s aching member, all behest of that one little gesture. Leo looked down at himself, unsheathed now, blushing furiously.

Blinking down his beak at Leo’s swollen cock, Raph swallowed He’d touched himself, but someone else …? Still, this was no time to be shy, and he _wanted_ this. He wanted to taste Leo. He wanted him in his mouth. Raph’s tongue traced the head of Leo’s cock, hesitantly at first, but more earnestly as the musk of his brother filled his nostrils, stoking the heat smoldering inside.

With a sharp inhale, Raph surged on, wrapping his mouth around Leo, pushing as much of him into his mouth as he can. As he did, one of his own hands drifted down to touch the strain between his legs, which had unsheathed a few minutes previously. It’d been slow at first, the pointed head rubbing against Leo’s soft sheets, but then it had all happened so quickly. He couldn’t help it! The noises Leo had been making as he bit him were just so hot…

Leo jammed his hand in his mouth. It was the only thing he could think of to keep himself from yelling incoherent babble. He hadn’t expected Raph to just _take him_ like that. Almost all of him, and Leo was not small by any stretch of the imagination, but Raph didn’t seem offput. The look on his face! He looked so pleased about it. Leo spread his legs wider, digging the nails of his free hand into his thigh to keep himself in check. Raph’s mouth was warm, the strong hands rubbing up and down the backs of his thighs were cool, in contrast.

The sheets shuffled and Leo could hear the slick of flesh over flesh as Raph pleasured himself, and Leo stiffened, moaning out at the thought that Raph was enjoying sucking Leo down so much that he had to touch himself. It didn’t take long before Leo completely dissolved. He pushed his hips shamelessly into Raph’s face the closer and closer he got to climax. He whispered loudly, very vulgar, borderline violent sounding things. Those harsh whispers rang in Raph’s ears, spurring him on, making him moan around Leo’s length as his brother drew his own blood, pushing his nails deeper and deeper into the skin at his thigh. He could see in Raph’s face that he was close too, feel it in how aggressively he started to use his mouth—running that perfect tongue over the head of his cock.

When he finally did cum, it was an odd experience for him. It felt so unbelievably good and yet he felt guilty as he laid there, quivering in bliss. He’d literally just cum in… his younger brother’s mouth. What would their family think? Would they tell them? Should they? Would Donnie, genius that he was, already know?

The taste of cum filled Raph’s mouth and, while it wasn’t exactly pleasant, the rush of salt, the way Leo’s body tensed, brought him over the edge. He spilled his load over his hand, the bed sheets, and Leo’s legs with a clear conscience and pulled back slowly, rolling onto his shell, expression dazed but complacent, soft and yielding as he threw an arm out, resting lazily on Leo’s hip.

"Holy crap," Leo mumbled as he stole a glance at Raph, peering curiously at the content expression he wore, the ease of his relaxed limbs. Raph didn’t seem conflicted in the slightest, no longer seemed confused or upset. He just looked… happy. Leo brought his arms down and gave an experimental stroke over Raph’s shoulders, watching him for signs of hesitation or regret, but there were none.

“Raph-”

“Leo, stop.” Golden eyes opened and looked up at him. Raph waited to make sure that Leo would comply, pressed a soft kiss against his brother’s lower plastron, then spoke. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now, okay? Let’s just go to sleep.”

What he meant was that he didn’t want to talk about it at all. Raph didn’t like discussing things needlessly, and this would not be something he’d consider a worthwhile topic. They’d kissed, Leo had let Raph suck him off, and that was a clear indication that Leo harbored similar feelings. End of discussion, to Raph.

Leo… he didn’t have the same sort of nature, was more prone to over-thinking and worry and he wanted to know what this thing between them was, where it was going, what it would mean for them. He needed to know and, whether Raph liked it or not, they were going to have to talk about it. Eventually. For tonight, Leo nodded, massaging Raph’s shoulder gently as he slid down the bed, coming side to side with Raph with a small, uncertain smile.

“Okay. Um, goodnight.”

Raph rolled his eyes and kissed Leo again, slower, purposeful, and he laughed outright at Leo’s expression when he pulled back.

“Night, Fearless.”


	3. Object of Worship

Leo had wanted to touch Raph for a long time before he'd gotten the chance. He’d been 13, his younger brother 11, when he’d recognized the urges for what they were. Leo took to watching Raph whenever he had a chance, observing him during training, lifting at his weight bench in the middle of the lair, tip toeing to sneak out and go topside when he _knew_ he shouldn’t. Leo watched Raph, noted his body, took in the way his developing muscles slid under his vibrant emerald skin, and wondered what it would be like to draw his fingers down them in slow appreciation the craftsmanship of Raphael. He’d touch him, learn his edges, and appreciate the artistry of his body the same way he did a well made sword. That was Raph too, after all: beautiful and dangerous.

  


Of course, Leo never said any of these ridiculous things, never gave voice to his sappy and inappropriate comparisons. Who knew what Raphael would have said, what sort of look he’d give Leo. Probably somewhere between horror, shock, and disgust. The idea of Raph looking at him like that, like he was a monster, had stilled Leo’s tongue for years. Years and years he had watched and wanted and wondered, until the two fell into bed together after a night of drunken contention and never seemed to climb back out. Eventually, after a couple more years of exploratory relationships with others and the subsequent hurt feelings, Leo had confessed his desire: to be with Raph, and only Raph.

  


But, even though Raph had felt the same about their relationship, Leo had never really gotten what he’d wanted: To touch Raph. To know him. To memorize every plane and dip of his body, each sound he could elicit if he pressed or pinched or kissed or licked a particular piece of flesh. Raph simply wouldn’t allow it; he was too fidgety in bed, too demanding and impatient. Most of the time, sex was like a battle. They ended drenched in sweat and less savory fluids, sore and panting and collapsed around each other.

  


It wasn’t that Leo didn’t enjoy their romps, but … he craved something else. It simply wasn't feasible to expect such a thing when they lived in the sewers, however. Their brothers were constantly in their hair, figuratively speaking, and Leo felt more than a little awkward pounding Raph into the mattress with their sensei a few rooms away, so he tried to keep their sessions as uncontentious as possible which, with Raph, meant hitting it hard and fast.

  


In Raph's eighteenth year, the same year he and Leo defined their relationship, New York City and the world at large publicly acknowledged the existence of animal/human mutant hybrids. It was long overdue, considering the highly visible presence of aliens two years previous. Maybe the governments had already laid plans and they were just then seeing the fruition of that. Leo would never forgot that moment, sandwiched between his brothers as they watched the news broadcast and considered what the newly formed Bureau of Mutant Affairs would mean for them and their lives.

  


Between patrols and training, Leo and Raph talked about it until they were blue in the face. Raph didn't see the big deal most of the time, didn't understand the possible drawbacks to leaving the seclusion and safety of their lair. He often grew annoyed and frustrated with the conversations, threw his hands up, and stalked out. Raph spent more and more time topside, exploring the world in a way that he had never been allowed to do before while Leo allowed the decision to twist him up inside, trying to weigh the options, to come to a conclusion that would keep Raph both safe _and_ happy, but it was impossible, because Raph just wasn't happy without an element of danger in his life.

And so, they'd gone. All four brothers left the sewer with varying degrees of reservation, not least of which was the fact that their master and father chose not to accompany them. He had trained his sons in order to keep them safe in a world that neither acknowledged nor understood them, but the world had changed around them and the old rat just did not feel as though he had a place within it. His realm was the shadows and it was with a fair amount of reluctance that he allowed his children to search out their places among the light.

  


One of the conditions to joining the human world was registering with the Bureau, something straight out of X-men, Mikey said. Since they had no birth certificates or identifying documents of any kind, the Bureau relied on physical examinations and word. It was during the registration process that they came to their next difficult decision; to register as brothers or not.

  


After a screaming match the frightened the receptionist, Leonardo registered as the only brother of Donatello, and Raphael legally became Michelangelo's sole big brother. Leo had tried to assure Raph that it was just a piece of paper and that broadcasting the true nature of their relationship would make their lives in the human world more difficult than they needed to be, but Raph was too angry and hurt to hear it. He slept in his old bedroom that night, for the first time in almost a year, and Leo was left alone in an empty bed that smelled like Raphael.

  


Things were better, maybe, as they moved into the basement apartment of April's building. It was a tiny one bedroom and the windows were at street level, giving them a view of the footwear of New York's street population, but really neither Raph nor Leo complained after living in a sewer for 18 and 20 years, respectively. The slight at the registration office wasn't forgotten, but as the weeks ticked by Raph adjusted well to the new direction their life had taken. It helped that he could have sex with Leo whenever and wherever he wanted. Though he missed his brothers and father from time to time, having one's own apartment certainly came with perks.

  


Despite the increased frequency and varied locale of their sexual encounters, nothing else changed. Leo still had a difficult time getting Raph to relax and sit still enough to let Leo touch him, _really_ touch him. After six months, Leo decided he was going to have to tie Raph down to get what he wanted. Literally.

  


He wasn't sure how Raph would react to the suggestion, so Leo didn't suggest it. Instead, he laid plans and hoped that Raph would still talk to him after. Ropes would not hold Raph, if he did not want to be held. Leo felt like a creep affixing chains to their bed frame, but he assured himself that they'd done things like this before and if Raph really _truly_ wanted Leo to stop, he would let it be known. And Leo would stop.

  


As Leo peered down into the blazing gold eyes underneath him, he hoped that that wouldn't happen. He didn't want Rapht to tell him to stop, didn't want to have to stall his investigation of Raph's body any longer, but he would. If he really had to.

  


“Leo, what the hell?” Raph snarled, testing the weight of the chains wrapped around his wrists, biceps bulging as he pulled them taut against the bedpost. They held, for now, and Leo tried to smile.

  


“Just relax, Raph,” Leo commanded softly, knowing full well that Raph would do no such thing. He kept twisting, head swiveling left and right as he looked over the chains, checked the room for anything else that Leo might plan to use on him, and glanced at Leo himself once or twice, trying to read the expressions behind his eyes.

  


“What do you want now, you kinky bastard?” His contentious mate growled, but there was laughter in his voice, a downwards hitch of mirth, and Leo exhaled the breath he'd been holding, letting his body relax a bit against Raph's reluctant acceptance of the situation.

  


Leo crossed the room in a fluid motion, coming beside Raph on the bed, and he drew a finger slowly up Raph's body, from the knee over his hard thigh, brushing up the side of his plastron, over the dips of his collarbone and, finally, pressed it into the underside of Raph's jaw, tilting his head upwards.

  


“I want to touch you.”

  


“What're you babblin' about? You touch me _all the time!_ ”

  


“No, Raph.” Leo did not articulate beyond that. His fingers stayed still for a moment, forcing Raph's head back as he stared intently into his face. He took in the set of Raph's mouth, the subtle shifts in his breath already taking place, the twitch of muscle in his set jaw, the growing excitement igniting his golden eyes to fire.

  


Shaking hands drew down and away from Raph's neck, petting and falling over the bulging muscles under the rough, mottled skin encasing his mate's body. Raph was beautiful, a joy to touch, and Leo wanted to touch him everywhere, to take his time, as long as he could, as long as Raphael would allow him the pleasure of his body.

  


Raph was adamant at first that Leo hurry, move faster, apply more pressure with his hands. He glowered, staring up at Leo as he smoothed his palms up and down Raph's plastron, scraping his nails lightly over the bridge. The scrutiny unnerved Raph and for a long while his responses were restrained to light growls and promises as to what he'd do to his mate should, at any point, he be set free. Attention had always been a hard thing for Raphael. He wouldn’t acquiesce to it even when it was apparent he wanted it. It was one of Leo’s least favorite quirks. He wanted the opportunity to be what worked Raph up, not just them coming together at hasty appointed times and places when work was done.

  


“I want to see you melt for me,” Leo confessed, hands coming down to grip the top of Raph’s left thigh, pushing it up and pressing his lips to the knee. He ignored the scoff at his flowery entreaty, eyes lowered to half-mast, brimming with the rising heat of his desire. He worked his mouth up the length of Raph’s leg, hugging it to his plastron. Kisses came first, soft and gentle, just little pecks over the skin. They left behind warmth that pooled up to Raph's gut and a lingering pleasant tingle.

  


Raph eyed Leo as he worked his way down, brushing his lips against the old scars crossed over the back of his knee. He didn't understand what Leo was doing and did not see the appeal in waiting, but he grudgingly admitted, internally, that it did feel nice. Raph stifled a soft moan when his mate's mouth doubled its effort to please him, warm tongue flicking out when he reached the curve of Raph’s ass. Leo swiped slowly closer to where Raph’s tail thumped lightly over the bed covers, stopping to suck the tender flesh into his mouth, dropping it after only a brief second of attention.

  


‘Melt for me’ he had said, and suddenly it was not so hard to comply. Leo kept going, licking up the underside of Raph’s leg till he reached the heel. Leo wasn’t naturally good at a whole lot. It took practice for him to excel at anything. His dedication to practice was something Raph had always secretly admired and appreciated, especially when it came to their moments of intimacy. Leo was good with his hands, exceptionally skilled with his mouth, and Raph rolled his hips down, teeth sinking into his lip, glaring down at the head between his legs.

  


It wasn’t bad. It was okay... but why couldn’t they just fuck? What did he have that was so special Leo felt the need to stare? To examine like a swatch of paint on a color card in the home improvement section, turning it over in his hands, inspecting every contour and complexity of color.

  


The answer was ... everything. There was nothing Raph had that Leo didn’t want to look at, didn’t want to roam over with his hands. With purple flushed cheeks, he released his hold on Raph’s leg and moved to the other. He gifted it the same sensuous treatment, wetting the underside, playing his tongue in between Raph’s toes, smirking at the gasps and squirming that Raph gave in response to that specific treatment. He bite down on the arch of Raph's foot, scraped his teeth over the vein pulsing across the outer arch.

  


Leo was well aware of Raph’s ego, aware of how much he thought of himself and his numerous attributes. But he was nowhere near as good at praising himself as Leo was in his inner monologues. He closed his eyes, letting the thoughts come as he scraped his nails lightly over Raph's inner thighs, saving the subtle twitch he was rewarded with. He opened his eyes part way, looking down in-between his mates leg's, seeing the moisture that had pooled and wet the sheets.

  


“Gorgeous,” he whispered, reaching down in between Raph’s legs to grasp his tail and thumb over the slit. Moisture dotted the tip of his finger and Leo brought it to his lips, moaning around his fingers at the taste of it, the smell, the essence of his mate flooding his mouth and senses.

  


Raph tilted his head back, eyes squeezing shut as a quiet curse fell from his lips. Perhaps it was a response to the obvious pleasure Leo garnered from the taste of Raph in his mouth that aided his unsheathing. The deep purple, almost black, pointed tip of Raph's cock began to slide past the wet slit in his tail and Leo watched it, wrapping his fingers around the shaft, stroking it, helping to draw the full length out and into his eager hands.

He'd never said so, not verbally, but he loved Raph's cock. He loved everything about it; the slick feeling of it sliding in and out of his throat, the intoxicating smell of Raph's arousal, the viscosity of the moisture between his legs, the heft of that fat length buried inside of him when Raph fucked him so deeply that Leo's control often slipped away from him. He'd seen a few others, in both sexual and non-sexual contexts. His other brother's, Casey's, ... and Usagi's. Not one of them, at least not in his opinion, presented as pretty a picture as Raph's did. It was so dark... so thick and vascular, and it was the only one he drooled over when he thought of it.

  


Control was something that Leo hoarded, was rarely comfortable giving up, and he did not like it when he felt it evading his grasp, but it was something that happened infuriating frequently with Raphael. Just the taste of him, the feel of him under his tongue, cracked at his resolve, his desire to take this as slow as possible and thoroughly explore the body laid out underneath him. He worked his tongue more liberally, flattening it over the top of Raph's shaft, dropping his head up and down over the length a little faster, breathing in his mate's peppery scent. He tried to hold himself back, tried to scoot down the bed and inhale deeply, hold it, count, and calm back down. Instead, he sped up and sucked harder, spurred on by the thoughts and the pleasure of Raph's erection hitting the back of his throat.

  


The pleasure was spiking; Leo was good at this, so good at it, something he'd practiced probably more than anything else that they did with one another, and Raph's legs quivered. Heat was shooting through him, jolting from the bottom of his feet up to his hips, pooling down from his chest to meet in his gut and his mouth fell open in a growling moan, pelvis rocking up against Leo's face as he got closer and closer to coming.

  


For a brief second, Leo considered not letting him, keeping the arousal ramped up this high, withdrawing completely to give the two of them a moment to collect themselves. But, as he looked up and saw the flushed pleasure scrunching Raph's face, the propensity for cruelness was defeated by the overwhelming desire to bring this beautiful body to ecstasy.

  


It was a lot. A little more than usual, but Leo managed, holding his place on the length of Raph's cock, drinking down his essence as quickly as it flooded into his mouth. He kept his lips wrapped loosely around Raph's shaft for a while afterward, flicking his tongue over the dribbling head slowly, enjoying the feel of his mate's cock twitching in his mouth.

  


The moments passed in comfortable silence, Leo's head nuzzling down between Raph's legs as his husband caught his breath and came back to his senses. His erection waned, but not completely, still half-hard against the rub of Leo's cheeks and lips, the soft kisses he pressed to the length and the insides of Raph's thighs, the lower ridges of his plastron. The kisses got the blood flowing and, as his cock began to harden again, Raph groaned.

  


“You're kidding me,” He nearly whined, lifting up his neck to stare down the bed at Leo. His big brother just smiled easily, giving Raph's cock a long, leisurely lick from base to tip and Raph's head dropped back into the pillows.

  



	4. Strategic Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bdsm, consensual noncon

Planning was the hardest part. Coming up with an idea that would be effective without causing actual damage was harder than Raphael had imagined, and so he employed Donatello’s assistance. Don wasn’t the same strategic genius that Leo was, but he had a good head on his shoulders and, more than that, he was a gigantic pervert and thus would more than likely be delighted to help.

He was right, and Don grinned, crimson eyes sparkling at Raph across the scuffed up dining table that he’d yanked out of a dumpster and cleaned up to stick in the one bedroom apartment he and Leo rented in the bowels of April’s building. It was their first home together since they’d left the sewers, and Raph liked it. It might not have been the biggest apartment and almost all of their furnishings had been scavenged or thrifted, but it was theirs and it didn’t smell like sewage. Anything was a step up, really, when one had been raised in a sewer.

“Leo isn’t going to be easy to capture, you know,” Don said, touching his fingers to chin thoughtfully.

“No shit; tell me somethin’ I don’t know.”

Raph’s idea was just to beat him into submission or knock him out, and that maybe wasn’t the sexiest idea. When Leo had “kidnapped” him a few months ago, he’d simply stalked Raph, melted out of the shadows when his little brother wasn’t looking, and used a series of pressure points to take him down, all the while whispering darkly in his ear. Raph shivered at the memory, but it wouldn’t work the other way around. Leo had hearing that bordered on the supernatural, in Raph’s opinion, and though Raph had confidence in his stealth skills, he realistically knew that he would not be able to sneak up on Leo unless his mate was extraordinarily distracted or incapacitated.

“We could try a dog whistle,” Don suggested, tapping his finger against his lips, “Blow out his ears.”

“Nah, that’ll hurt ‘im too much, and he’ll be pissed and no fun.”

“Your concern is touching.”

“Shut the fuck up, nerd, and use that big head for somethin’ other than snarky commentary.”

Silence fell between the two of them as they considered the options. Stealth, beating, and dog whistle were all strike outs. Trapping Leo wasn’t likely to happen either. Raph could sneak up on him, if he could find a way to dull his senses, throw him off his game …

“Hey,” Raph peaked up, leaning across the table towards Don, “What if we poison ‘im?”

Don raised his eye ridges coolly. “A dog whistle will hurt him too much, but you want to poison him?”

Raph waved his hand and shook his head. “Just a little bit. Not kill ‘im or anything. Just enough to, y’know, make him wobble a bit. I cook all his fuckin’ food anyway; it ain’t gonna be hard to slip somethin’ in, so long as it don’t got a strong taste or smell.”

His big brother considered. It was possible, sure. He could find something for Raph to use, something that would serve the purposes without causing lasting damage to Leo. Besides, the idea of Leo captured and prostrate before Raph was a little exciting in a self-gratifying sense, and Don smiled.

“Alright. Sounds like a plan, baby brother.”

=————————————————————————————-=

Patience was not a virtue that Raph had been blessed with, but Don was not a person who rushed and he took time concocting a tincture that would dull Leo’s hearing and fuzz his head, enough that Raph would be able to easily sneak up and subdue him when Leo was on his way home from training at the Academy.  They couldn’t rely on Leo being tired because, honestly, after training with Master Splinter for 18 years, the police academy was nothing to Leonardo and physical training was something he was allowed to skip through, for the most part.

Cooking wasn’t a skill Leo possessed, not something he ever took the time to hone as a teenager when Mikey did the cooking, and now Raph did most of it, so Leo never bothered beyond the basics of boiling pasta or ramen. As such, his mate prepared his lunches most days, filling bentos with the types of foods Leo favored: rice balls, fish, pickled vegetables, miso, and the like. Today, however, Leo was feeling a little under the weather, and he wondered if perhaps something had gone bad.

They had that problem occasionally; it came from being poor. Waste not, want not, and they really couldn’t afford to waste or want anything. Leo’s salary barely paid their rent and few bills, and Raph’s income took care of the food and an insurance bill that soared through the roof. There wasn’t extra money, things were always tight, and they could not afford to let food go to waste. The fish, maybe, had gone bad Leo thought as he leaned against the bricks of a building on his walk home from the academy.  Leo didn’t feel sick, necessarily, in that he wasn’t going to be physically ill, but his head was swimming and a ringing knocked in his ears, echoing through his head in a way that was both relieving and distressing as it masked his ability to hear everything, whether he wanted to or not. It was a quirk he’d come to terms with, mostly, even if it was annoying at times, such as how he just couldn’t sleep if he wasn’t able to hear Raph’s light snores beside him, assured of his mate’s presence and safety.

He was only a few blocks from home now, and he took a deep breath and pushed off, continuing on. He’d be home soon, and he could lay down and maybe convince Raph to make him some tea and rub his temples …

Only a block and a half later, half a block from their big brick building, Leo paused. His skin prickled, his senses alert, though he did not know why or what had alerted him. He didn’t hear anything, didn’t smell anything out of the ordinary, but he had the unmistakable feeling that something was off.  

Though he didn’t carry his ninjato any longer, Leo was very rarely completely unarmed, and now was no exception. His hand slid down, curling into the back of his training sweats to the bottom of his carapace, where one of his many knives was stashed.

Before he had a chance to get his fingers around it, however, a thickly muscled forearm flung out and gripped him around the shoulders, siding up to brace against his neck as a strong hand clamped over his mouth.

As soon as the touch landed, Leo knew it was Raphael, but it didn’t stop him from struggling as that meaty arm closed against his throat and the hand went up over his nostrils, choking off his air supply as Raph drug his flailing body back into the alley.

“Hey, babe,” Raph whispered, nuzzling Leo’s temple as the edges of his mate’s vision began to blur and darken, “We’re goin’ with my plan this time.”

=————————————————————————————-=

Raph had set the bed up before he left, and he was glad off it as he dragged Leo’s kicking body through the door of their apartment. He kicked it shut behind him and Leo knocked over the lamp as Raph pulled and shoved him through the apartment, grinning despite himself at the angry, muffled curses barked out by his eldest brother.

Scream all you want, Leo. You’re mine now.

When it came to close quarters grappling and wrestling, Raph almost always won. He was just stronger than Leo and it wasn’t hard to shove him down onto the bed, to crawl over Leo’s plastron and pin him down with his superior body weight as he fit Leo’s wrists into heavy restraints, the kind he wouldn’t be able to pull out of. Leo could get free, if he was determined to do so, but it’d be time consuming and that wasn’t part of the game.

Once the restraints were set, Raph pulled his hands back and stuck them on his hips, grinning cheekily down at his mate.

“What the fuck do you want!?” Leo snarled in response, bucking his hips in an attempt to throw Raph off.

“You,” Raph said, leaning forward a bit to trace his fingers over Leo’s jaw. Leo turned his head, snapping at the fingers and Raph drew back his hand and struck Leo across the face, neck twisting at the blow, and Raph came back the other way, whipping his head around. Leo’s already fuzzy vision blurred completely and he closed his eyes and grit his teeth.

“You picked the wrong person,” Leo growled, his anger sounding so real that it was palpable in the air and Raph was momentarily uncomfortable, a little worried that perhaps this was not what Leo had wanted at all…

Leo opened his eyes and spoke matter-of-factly. “My husband’s going to be home any minute and he’ll kick your ass.”

Raph blinked, then tipped his head back and laughed, assured and amused by the statement. He tilted forward and pressed a quick kiss to Leo’s beak. “Yeah? I’m shakin’ in my shell. He a big guy, your husband?”

“Well, he’s a little short …”

A scowl set on Raph’s lips and he glared, edging up the bed to bring his plastron closer to Leo’s beak, towards his gleaming eyes and eager mouth, watching with slightly annoyed amusement as Leo’s tongue ran out, wetting his lips in anticipation. Raph’s tail slapped over Leo’s throat and chin, rubbing moisture across his face as Raph’s slit parted and his erection began to drop down, pushing through the wet opening in his tail, bumping heavily against Leo’s cheek.

Leo opened his mouth, pushing out and flattening his tongue. There was a lot of saliva working, a dribble descending down slowly from the tip of his tongue to the end of his chin. Whether it was a natural adaptation he’d developed or just a response in general to cock and cock shaped objects he couldn’t be sure. He concentrated on Raph’s scent, and the musk of sex in between his legs.

It just looked like something you _should_ stick in your mouth. It was so thick. It shone with the wetness leaking from Raph’s slit. Up this close, he could see the veins working underneath the skin and he didn’t want to wait another second. It was imperative he have it now.

“That’s right,” Raph growled, jutting his hips forward, forcing his length past Leo’s lips, “That’s fuckin’ right.”

The rocking wasn’t gentle; the pace that Raph set with his hips knocked Leo’s head back, ramming him down into the pillows as Raph’s strong hands closed on the back of his head, adjusting Leo to a better angle so that Raph could fuck his face, shove his cock down Leo’s willing throat. His mate let out muffled groans and struggled underneath, dark eyes smoldering up at Raph as he grinned down and thrust.

It felt good. It always felt good; Leo was phenomenal at this. Of course he was. He might not have held a lot of natural talent, but Leo was excellent at anything he dedicated himself to, put work into, and Leo had a lot of practice and experience sucking dick; Raph knew that first hand and he sped his hips just a little.

“He may be short,” Raph murmured, running his fingers lightly over Leo’s head, down his temples, across his cheekbones, “but I bet his cock is huge.”

“I haa beegger.”

“Bullshit you have!” came the snapped reply, Raph thrusting hard, the head of his cock ramming into Leo’s throat to punctuate his displeasure. “I know how big a fuckin’ rabbit dick is; you ain’t had bigger!”

Leo didn’t respond, couldn’t laugh or smile, but he swallowed thickly, relishing the feel of Raph’s cock over his tongue and down his throat. This was gentler than he expected, even with the face fucking, and nowhere near the level of brutality that Leo had showcased when he’d captured Raph. That was Raph’s nature, though; he was sweet, even if he didn’t realize it and wouldn’t admit it. He didn’t want to hurt Leo, not really, didn’t get pleasure out of causing his mate pain. Leo … well, his tastes were perhaps more unorthodox and he meditated on his desires often, curbing them, working delinquently to protect Raph from himself.

“Better hurry, though,” Raph pulled his hips back, cock popping out of Leo’s mouth, slapping wetly over his face as Raph shifted his hips, “if yer husband’s gonna be home soon.”

He spread Leo’s legs wide, shoving his thighs up against his plastron as he drew Leo down and up, edging his hips underneath his mate. Leo was wet, moisture dripping from his cloaca, though he hadn’t unsheathed. Raph rubbed the ridged head of his cock against the slit, and Leo gasped, tensing.

“What are you doing!?” He gasped out, squirming against his bonds as Raph traced the edges of Leo’s widening slit with his cock.

In answer, Raph surged forward, moaning out at the tight wetness that enveloped him. He’d never done this, never fucked Leo in the cloaca, but he thought that perhaps he should more often, because it felt amazing. So hot and wet … Raph’s chin dropped to his chest and he moaned out, long and low, as he felt the underside of Leo’s sheathed cock rub along the top of his as he fucked his mate down into the bed.

It didn’t take long for either of them like this, Raph thrusting like mad once Leo had adjusted, Leo quaking and crying underneath him, spreading his legs impossibly wide, straining the muscles as he tried to get closer to Raph, to move and thrust with him, and it was Leo who came first, tipping his head back as he moaned and let out a scream of curses. Raph followed soon after, nails digging into Leo’s thighs as he emptied himself deep inside of his husband.

Moments later, Raph reached up, undoing the bonds which kept Leo secured to the headboard, then wrapped his arms around him, turning to draw Leo up on top of him so that he could hold him. Leo rested his head on Raph’s chest, silent as he processed what had just happened between them.

“What are we gonna do when yer husband gets home?” Raph teased, nuzzling against Leo’s temple, and Leo laughed in response. Raph smiled, nuzzling more, peppering kisses against Leo’s cool skin.

“I love you,” Leo said finally, after the silence between them had stretched on and grown comfortable, both content to simply lay in presence with one another, tired and spent from the evening’s activities, and Raph smiled wider.

“Yeah, I love you too.”

  



	5. 50 Tints of Blue

“Make a noise and I'll slit your throat.”

 

It was early Sunday morning and Raph was coming home from working the door at Angelcakes, one of the two strip clubs he performed security for to bring in additional income. He preferred Angelcakes to Dusty's; it had a better crowd and atmosphere, and he spent more of his time drinking and dancing with the girls than he did tossing out scumbags. Not that he minded tossing out scumbags, of course, but there was something deeply dissatisfying about just removing the creeps who touched and followed the girls without being able to do anything more to ensure their safety beyond removal of shitty patrons and walking them to their cars or cabs or the subway. On more than one occasion, he'd given one of the dancers a ride home on his bike rather than leave her alone at an empty subway station. It just didn't feel right to him. He knew firsthand how dangerous New York City could be.

 

Tonight had been one of those nights and it was nearing 4 in the morning when Raph drug himself home, tired but in a decent mood. He really just wanted to climb into bed next to Leo, maybe fool around a little, then call it a night. Or morning.

 

But that was not to be, because as he inserted his key into the door of the basement apartment he shared with his brother, he found himself slammed into it, plastron flush against the door, a cold blade pressing into his neck, and that voice at his ear.

 

“Make a noise and I'll slit your throat.”

 

Leo.

 

Raph didn't make a noise, held his hands up in mock surrender as Leo's tactical tanto slid teasingly over his throat. Raph was sure if he so much as swallowed too hard that the sharp blade would slice his skin so he refrained, waiting for further instruction.

 

“Open the door.”

 

The key was still in the lock, halfway turned, and Raph turned it the rest of the way and pushed the door open. Leo walked them forward, yanking the door closed with a foot as he steered Raph towards their bedroom. Raph didn't fight; he couldn't so long as that knife was at his neck. There was no room to maneuver, no way to retaliate that wouldn't end with him cut. He knew that Leo would never actually “slit his throat”, but he was fairly confident that Leo _would_ cut him and keep going, so long as the wound was not mortal.

 

His opportunity came when Leo transferred him to the bed, spinning Raph around to shove him onto his shell over the sheets and Raph sprang into action, kicking put and up as he hit the mattress, knocking the tanto out of Leo's hand. But Leo seemed to expect this and moved in tandem with the assault, swooping down over the bed like a bird of prey, head butting Raph hard in the forehead.

 

Raph howled as pain exploded through his head. Fingers jabbed harshly into his neck and shoulder, disabling his mobility, setting his arms to quivering jello and Raph scowled up at Leo, both annoyed and excited by this dynamic, by what he knew Leo meant to do to him. It was something they'd discussed at length, something they both wanted to try. They'd never decided on a concrete time; an element of surprise was an important facet, part of the authenticity of the game, as was Raph's feigned anger as he snarled up at his mate.

 

“You just fuckin' wait,” He growled, “ 'til my bro gets home.”

 

There was no discernible change on Leo's face save for perhaps a narrowing of eyes as he leaned down and trailed his fingers across Raph's temple, his cheek, over his jaw. He caught Raph under the chin and wrenched his head up and Leo leaned down, nibbling and kissing the strong jawline showcased for him.

 

“No,” Leo murmured as he kissed his paralyzed mate, “There's no one coming. You're mine.”

 

To be honest, Leo thought they should just keep restraints on their headboard all of the time, considering how often they used them, instead of hooking the thick leather cuffs up and taking them down each and every time they wanted to tie one another. He'd clipped the cuffs into place when he'd gotten home from work that evening, after Raph had kissed him and left for Angelcakes. There was nothing else set up by the bed; Leo didn't need anything else.

 

Leo fixed Raph into the cuffs none too soon as his husband's body began to cooperate again shortly after he'd been strapped down. He started to thrash, twisting and cussing angrily underneath Leo's straddling thighs. Leo regarded him coolly, clearly unimpressed by the display, and drew his palms down Raph's arms, feeling the hard muscle bulging under mottled skin as Raph struggled to rip free. Over the dips of his collar bone Leo's hands went, up over his neck to caress Raph's strong jaw before lowering back down and clamping.

 

He squeezed, bringing his hands together over Raph's throat, pressing his thumbs down hard into his mate's adam's apple. He could feel it bobbing as Raph gasped and tried to swallow, to force spit or air or _anything_ down his blocked esophagus. Raph could go without breath for a long time, all of them could, but as the minutes ticked by and the pressure on his throat increased, Raph's struggling slowly dwindled into nothingness and Leo smiled.

 

“You done?”

 

He got an angry gurgle in response but Raph didn't move, so Leo took that as a yes and pulled back his hands, admiring the pinpoint bruises already forming on the dark emerald skin of Raph's throat. He'd kiss them later, drop soft touches over all the abused parts of Raph's body, smother him with as much as affection as he would stand, but not now. Now, dark brown eyes trailed Raph's form; it was ridiculous how good looking he was. Leo saw people staring at Raph, saw their appraising eyes fondling his mate's body and while he did not like it in the least, he could understand it. Raph was gorgeous. Perfect.

 

“F-fuck you,” Raph rasped out, voice gruff.

 

Well, alright, perfect was in the eye of the beholder. To Leo, he was perfect.

 

“That's not how this is going to go, babe,” Leo retorted, dragging his nails down the bridge of Raph's shell, up his hips, and to the button of his tight jeans. Leo undid them quickly and lifted his hips up, ripping the denim off Raph's body. He couldn't help but smirk when he saw Raph's tail; the little appendage was thumping hard on the bed, already swollen, thick strings of moisture sticking to the sheets with each thwap.

 

Leo hadn't disrobed before, but he did now, taking his time as he undid each button on his work shirt. He didn't take his eyes off Raph's as he unbuckled his belt and pulled it loose, silently gratified by the audible gulp Raph gave in response. The position was strange, awkward, but how could Leo turn down such a lovely prospect? He shifted, sitting beside Raph on the bed rather than on top of him, and pushed his mate's thighs up into his plastron, chuckling a little at how Raph's tail darted defensively between his legs, leaving his rounded backside exposed.

 

Ordinarily, Leo would have rubbed it. Now, he wrapped the buckle side of his belt over his knuckles and cocked his arm back then let it fly, striking Raph sharply across the rear with the heavy leather. Raph yelped, chin jerking down to his chest, but by the third hit he was moaning openly, face pushed sideways into the pillow as he panted and pulled his hips apart as much as he could with Leo's arm restraining his legs. Raph's body spasmed with each strike and the evidence of his arousal slicked down his thighs and ass.

 

The welts forming over Raphael's body were beautiful, all black and purple and raised up so that Leo could brush his fingers over them and feel his mate shiver. He teased a few times before letting Raph's legs drop, relishing the hiss he gave as battered flesh met mattress. Raph's dick was starting to push past his slit, the head already showing clearly, and Leo felt his own hardness pulse with need at the sight. Leo bent, flicking his tongue over the pointed tip, lapping up the dripping precum with a poorly contained moan of his own and he wasn't sure if his cock had ever been this hard before.

 

Raph erection slipped out completely and Leo dropped his mouth down over it, pushing until he felt Raph hit the back of his throat and it elicited a groan from both of them. Leo loved this, he could do this all night, and he racked his hands up and down Raph's inner thighs as he worked his cock, shredding the thick flesh under his nails, leaving aggravated red scratches in his wake.

 

Maybe he should have prepared Raph, but Leo didn't, pulling up on his knees to slick a generous glob of lubricant over his straining erection before angled himself against his mate's entrance and pushing. Raph screamed, howled, tensing and tossing his head as Leo surged forward, hands squeezing his wrecked thighs as he brought his hips flush with Raph's ass. His husband's tail curled between his legs, long, thick erection coming up to lay against his thigh and Leo grasped it, pumping it in time with his thrusts. Raphael's deafening screams of pain or pleasure or maybe both, Leo didn't know, echoed through the room and he'd never heard anything so hot in his entire life, didn't think there could be anything else in the entire multiverse that sounded the way Raph did when Leo brought him to ecstasy.

 

The moments swirled and Leo's vision spotted and he thrust deep inside of his mate's body, panting and shivering, burying himself as far as he could to empty his seed with a strangled cry. Raphael was not far behind and he screamed loudly when he came, shooting thickly over his own thighs and plastron.

 

With a satisfied exhalation of breath, Leo tilted his hips back and pulled out, a slow trickle of fluid seeping out of Raph's opened hole. Leo sat back on his heels, hands settling on Raph's splayed knees as he looked down at his trembling husband as his emotions began to drop.

 

The semen spilling out of Raph was tinged pink, mingled with the blood from Leo's rough fucking. The cum across Raph's thighs from his own orgasm had graduated to red, smeared through the bleeding, jagged scratches torn up and down Raph's inner thighs. Leo paused and he stared. Dark, thick bruises colored Raph's neck, shoulders, and legs and he now saw that his belt had broken skin in more than a few places as well.

 

Leo found, despite the fact that Raph seemed to have enjoyed himself and Leo had as well _during_ , that he felt somewhat queasy at what lay before him, disgusted with himself as he took in the wrecked state of his mate beneath him, the abuse that he had wrought on his husband.

 

“Leo?” Raph looked up at him through hazy golden eyes, seemingly confused, and Leo knew he must have a stricken expression on his face. He reined it in, sliding a neutral mask on as he slipped off the bed, turning his shell to Raph, retreating to the bathroom.

 

It was irresponsible to leave Raph like that; his mate had been sitting up as Leo fled, wincing as he tried to move before he really should, before Leo had had a chance to doctor his cuts and bruises, following Leo with a hurt face and searching eyes. But Leo couldn't face him, that open and loving expression which held no judgment for Leo, the mouth which had encouraged him to do the things they'd just done, the body which moved in demand of the pain that Leo wanted to give, despite himself. He wanted to do it; he wanted to hurt Raphael!

 

Revulsion rolled through Leo as he turned on the water and stuck his sticky hands into the sink, scrubbing off the blood. He was sick. He was sick and he didn't deserve Raphael.

 

There was blood on his own thighs as well, Leo discovered, and he scrubbed at it with a towel and warm water, not stopping as he heard Raph raise off the bed and come in after him. Leo hadn't undone the cuffs, but he didn't need to; they held Raph down because Raph allowed them to do so, and they had both known he could get out of them at any time, if he wished it.

 

Leo didn't look up, not wanting to see that face in the mirror.

 

“Leo,” Raph repeated, leaning against the door frame, arms crossing over his chest. Leo could almost hear the blood sliding down his skin and he tried not to retch. “What's wrong?”

 

There was no response. What could he say? The truth would offend Raph, make him irritated, fed up with Leo's hang-ups about his “inner darkness” and Raph would roll his eyes and hobble away. In all honesty, it was not something Leo wanted to talk about. He was not like Raph; talking through things that often help him find peace or clarity and that was partially why he spent such long hours in meditation. He needed it to make sense of the world he lived in, he and his husband's places in it, and how to control the sick desires he had, the ones that he sometimes let himself act on and almost always regretted it.

 

But Raph wouldn't understand.

 

“Babe.” Raph's voice was soft as he came up behind Leo, laying his palms flat over his shell and rubbing it before wrapping his arms around Leo's middle, “You know I love you.”

 

“I know you do,” Leo whispered in response, staring down into the bloody water pooling in the sink, “I love you too.”

 

Nuzzling against Leo's neck, Raph kissed him, peppering kisses on his chin and shoulders and neck and the top of his shell, everywhere he could reach before pulling away.

 

“C'mon, come watch a shitty old movie with me and rub cream on my legs. I'll change the sheets.”

 

Raph paused, however, when Leo didn't respond, didn't nod or follow him back into the bedroom and he frowned, returning to gently pry Leo's hand off the edge of the sink. He brought it to his lips and kissed the knuckles gently.

 

“Babe, c'mon. Don't shut yourself in here all night. Come lay with me. Please?”

 

It was the please that got him, so rarely uttered, a secret weapon that Raph only used when he really wanted something and Leo turned, sighing as he allowed himself to be led back into the bedroom. Raph wasn't upset, didn't blame Leo or think less of him for what had happened. It was what Raph wanted, for Leo to loosen the ridiculously tight grip he kept on himself and show what was underneath, the things that Leo kept hidden for fear that Raph would be horrified or disgusted with him or, worse, that he'd leave.

 

Raph changed the bedding, popped _Singin' in the Rain_ into the DVD player, and pulled Leo to his chest. The silence stretched between them as Raph ran his fingers up and down Leo's arms, not really watching the movie at all; he didn't care for it, didn't care for those types of movies in a general sense. It was just something Leo liked, a plot to comfort him, and Raph finally settled their palms together and leaned his forehead against the back of Leo's head as Gene Kelly danced across their television.

 

“D'ya wanna talk about it?”

 

Leo sighed and squeezed Raph's hands. “No.”

 

“A'ight. We don't got to right now, but later we're gonna. I'll beat it outta you if I gotta, Leo.”

 

His husband managed a weak chuckle and nodded, relaxing against Raph's plastron as he watched the movie, letting Raph soothe and comfort him in his own way.

 

“Alright, Raph. Later.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I promise.”

 


	6. A Very Hamato Christmas

It had been snowing for days now and Leo hated it. He hated everything about snow, the way it stuck to his feet and made him skid across the sidewalk when he tried to stop. He hated how clearly outlined his tracks became, making it more difficult to vanish without a trace than in the warmer months. And, being a mostly cold-blooded creature, he hated the chill of it: the constantly wet feet, the flakes that floated down and melted over his hairless scalp, how it started in his toes and crept up his legs until he couldn’t feel anything, until his movements became clumsy and awkward due to frozen feet and the pins and needles shooting up his legs.

Raphael hated the cold just as much, if not more, and the numbness in his toes detracted from the picture of serenity they were presented with as Leo pulled up to the old farmhouse where they spent their holidays. He adjusted, trying to sap as much heat from the floor vents as possible. The heater was on low so as to not boil their human children alive, but the unfortunate result was that the ones who couldn’t manufacture their own body heat were left chilly. Leo didn’t seem to mind. At least, he wasn’t complaining.

Raph scowled more, but his mouth softened as they got closer and he made out April on the porch, coffee cup in hand, little Shadow dancing eagerly from foot to foot in front of her mother. The child was obviously waiting for them, and it made Raphael smile. He liked Shadow a lot. She was a spunky kid, and Raph appreciated that about her. Of course she was, though. Just look at her family.

“It’s fuckin’ freezin’. April better have the heat on in this joint. There better be a damn fire roarin’ and hot cocoa and those chocolate cherries with the liquor in ‘em. It’s fuckin’ Christmas!” He angled himself out of the car as soon as Leo shifted into park, content to leave the presents and overnight bag Leo had packed for them there for the moment. He’d get them later. Or, if he was lucky, Leo would just get them and he wouldn’t have to go outside again.

The snow was awful on his bare feet but, before he could run to the porch, he was hit by a flying streak of blonde as Shadow, age seven, plowed into his mid-section and and threw her arms around him.

“Uncle Raph! Happy Christmas Eve!”

“Happy Christmas Eve, Shadow,” Raph replied, picking her up and holding her warm little body against his plastron. God bless the portable space heaters that were children. He moved to the porch, Shadow’s legs wrapping around his shell as she wound her arms around his neck. Tessa was at his heels, waving up at her adoptive cousin and then to her aunt.

“Hi, Aunt April! It’s fuckin’ Christmas!” Tessa exclaimed brightly, beaming up at April as Raph barked out a laugh. April smiled down at the flushed eight year old, the shine of melting flakes in her hair twinkling like diamonds.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Tessa. I can’t imagine where you learned that.” She teased, throwing Raph narrowed eyes. He returned with a smile and deposited Shadow onto the porch.

"Kids say the damnest things, April." He quipped as he pushed past her and into the house. Oh, god, yes. Warmth. The crackle of a fire greeted him, as well as verbal salutations from his family. Most of them were gathered already. Casey sat on the couch, drinking eggnog that Raph estimated to be 80% rum by the sloshed look on his face. Mikey and Woody weren’t in the living room, but he’d seen their sporty little car outside, so it was safe to assume they were in the kitchen. The only two missing were Donatello and their father.

Leo stood back behind the car as his husband and daughter paraded inside, staring down at the contents of the trunk: a small pile of neatly wrapped gifts, all unintentionally color coded in shiny metallic red, pearl white and lavender, black paper with a garish navy blue ribbon, aluminiferous green, sky blue and sunflower yellow. He leaned into the trunk and scooped up the small cache of presents, heading the rest of the way up the drive.

He nodded and smiled in greeting to April and she gave him a pat, shoving her nose back down into her drink. She shivered as she turned away from him and he dimly wondered why, besides Shadow wanting to play, perhaps, was she standing out there. But then he stepped over the threshold and saw Casey sunk down into the pillows of the couch, his eyes half open and hazy already.

She was waiting for Donnie to show up with the espresso and B-12 shots to help her wrangle her handful of a husband.

G came in after Leo and nodded coolly at Casey then powered into the kitchen, following his nose to the food and the booze. Leo smiled wryly as he swept in to deposit the presents under the tree, feeling a surge of camaraderie for April.

The tree was a hastily chopped sweet smelling pine and it sat in the far corner of the room, adjacent to the stairs. It shone brightly, awash in color and light. Leo set the gifts down and took a moment to drink it in. There weren’t mountains of presents under it. Leo and Raph had procured only a few: one for each other (plus Leo’s yearly Christmas socks), one for Casey, two for each of their children (and a few stocking stuffers), and a joint gift for their father. It was difficult for Raph to get into the consumerism of the holiday, and he held no qualms with thrifting, making, or scavenging gifts for his family. Leo was more prone to shopping, as he was a particular and fussy sort, but actually purchasing things was something that Raph, as a general principle, did not often do.

April was the only one of them who had had what might be considered a “normal” childhood, and that minority was not enough to influence the tone of the holiday in any significant way. The tree reflected the glare of shuriken, kunai, and ceramic gingerbread turtles that had been used in place of more traditional Christmas ornaments. Challenge marker ribbons were tied around the ropes of twinkling lights and fluffy garlands.

A Hamato Family Christmas tree. As deadly as it was festive.

With a chuckle and a shake of his head, Leo turned back towards the door. Before he could return to grab their overnight bag (G and Tessa had, of course, carried their own), the door opened and their father stepped through the threshold. Donatello stood back behind him, one arm around April, the other holding up a briefcase. Raph watched Leo clam up and he rolled his eyes; he didn’t understand it. Sensei could be intimidating, sure, but usually that was when he was swinging a walking stick at your head. Raph had just never had the same relationship with their father that Leo did, and he didn’t get it.

Raph flopped onto the couch next to his drunken friend plucked the boozy eggnog out of Casey’s hand and downed it, the human’s protests falling on deaf ears. Raph raised the empty mug. “‘Ey, sensei, happy Christmas! You too, nerd.”

Before the night ended, he’d likely be drunk with Casey, laughing as his best friend swayed and slurred out terrible renditions of Christmas carols that perhaps the 7 and 8 year olds shouldn’t hear. For now, Raph was sober and a small smile sat on his lips as he looked around the room.

It had been decorated before they arrived, and Raph didn’t mind. The actual decorating wasn’t that fun to him, and Mikey was better at it anyway. They’d had to wait until Christmas Eve afternoon to drive up, due to Leo’s work schedule. They were lucky he didn’t have to go back to work until the 26th, which meant they’d get to spend the entire Christmas day with their family, something that didn’t happen every year. Leo was moving up quickly at work, though, of course, and as he did, his scheduling would become more flexible.

Someone had hung the stockings on the wall already. They were a bit shabby; they’d used them for years. In the years before mutant awareness and the ability to easily go topside, they’d made their Christmas things. Raph had broken into a craft store and stolen skeins of yarn to knit stockings for himself, his brothers, and their father. He had been so proud that he could do something for them as a child, happy to contribute to making their holiday special after a life of denial and deprivation. Those same stockings still hung over the fireplace, patched in a few places. Since then, he’d knit coordinating ones for the new members of their family: April, Casey, Woody, Shadow, Tessa, and G. Their human family.

It was easy to be happy on Christmas. Raph loved holidays, and it showed. He was a little nicer. He laughed more. He liked to be in the thick of things, not holed up in his room or out on his own. Even as a child, there was nothing that Raphael hadn’t loved about Christmas. They hadn’t quite had the festive holidays one saw on TV, but Don found a way to rig lights and they gave each other ridiculously crappy presents as they huddled closer to one of the space heaters. As they’d grown older, their humans and friends shared the holiday and it became something magical. They had all of things he’d always seen on the Christmas specials: food, smiling faces, gifts, and a real live Christmas tree. Years had passed since they’d lived in the sewers and suffered through hard candy Christmases, but Raphael still thought about it with a sort of incredulous fondness.   
  
Raph’s smile widened and affection bubbled in him; maybe it was the rum. Shadow bounced in from the porch and fell into him. Raph tightened his arms around her and she returned the hug, looking between her father and favorite uncle with bright and eager eyes.

"Can I try some eggnog, Daddy?"

"Sure, baby!" Casey slurred out, lifting the carton of eggnog up for his child.

Before he could pour, April plucked the jug out of his hand and smacked the top of his head. She took it with her on the way to the kitchen, and Raph burst into laughter at the pathetically confused look on Casey’s face.

"C’mon, Shadow, there’s probably some in the kitchen that ain’t a 100 proof." He stood, taking Shadow with him. As he headed to the kitchen, he glanced over his shoulder as a blast of chilly air blew in before the door snapped shut again. Leo had gone back outside to get the rest of the things. He was happy he didn’t have to do it, but … he wanted Leo to hurry up. To get in there with him already.

He sat Shadow down on a stool as he came into the kitchen, wrapping an arm around his little brother’s shoulders and neck in greeting and squeezing. Woody looked only slightly alarmed at the mild strangulation, and didn’t say anything about the violent greeting. He was learning. Raphael opened the fridge and fished out fresh eggnog, sniffed it to check its alcohol level, and poured out a mug for Shadow. At that time, the door squeaked on its hinges and Leo came in, dusted with snow from outside. Mikey was there immediately, always the hostess with the mostess, pushing a plate of warm bread and a cup of tea tea into Leo’s cold hands.

Christmas wasn’t Leo’s holiday. No holiday was his holiday, really, unless you counted Valentines Day. Leo didn’t. Sex was already a regular part of his life and dedicating a whole day to it wasn’t something he deemed necessary. The happy faces surrounding him, however… Casey’s gapped tooth, drunken grin, Tessa’s flushed cheerful face, and the exuberance of Raph’s freely given smiles … Leo couldn’t help but allow himself to be infected with the joy of it all.  
  
Raph took a long pull of Casey’s laced eggnog and sauntered away from Shadow, coming up behind Leo to wrap his arms around his middle, trying to keep the cold eggnog bottle off Leo’s plastron, and nuzzled into the back of his neck. Leo smelled like winter, fresh and crisp, and Raph burrowed his face against Leo’s skin happily.

"You’re cold, babe," He murmured, "D’ya wanna open your socks now?"

Glancing back behind him, Leo brought a hand up over the one resting on his stomach. Socks. Raph gave him a freshly knitted pair every Christmas with a different design on them. What would they look this year?  
  
"Yeah, if I can give you one my gifts a little early."

"Does this gift involve goin’ upstairs?" Raph murmured suggestively, brushing his lips over Leo’s neck. Tessa was still in the living room, but G was in the kitchen with them, trying to steal food out from under Mikey’s watchful guard, and he pulled a face at his parents flirting but didn’t comment otherwise. He was used to it and it didn’t phase him. Besides, deep down he thought it was sort of cool that his parents were so in love with each other. Sure beat the alternative, at least.  
  
"No, but I think you’ll like it just the same," Leo assured, taking Raph’s hand in a firm grip. He shoveled in the last of his sweet bread and washed it down with tea and then pushed the plate away. He turned once Mikey had taken it and headed to the sink, bringing Raph with him out into the living room.

There really wasn’t a need to wrap Leo’s socks, but Raph and Tessa had wrapped them anyway. She’d found wrapping paper with little turtles in festive Christmas hats and had insisted they get it, so most of the presents were wrapped in that. Raph held some domestic skills, but creating beautiful Christmas packages was not one of them. His presents were passable, but the ones that Tess had done looked much better. She’d wrapped the socks, complete with curling ribbons and an oversized tag with her small, neat print on it. “To Daddy, from Papa”   
  
She’d helped him knit them as well, just the simple parts, but she was alright at it and Raph didn’t mind letting her help. They’d spent a couple of afternoons on the couch together, drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies as they worked on the socks in the two hours between Tessa getting out of school and Leo coming home from work. It wasn’t a surprise at all; he knew he was getting them, but Raph still put a mild amount of effort into keeping them hidden until Christmas Eve. This year, they were striped with different shades of blue, snowflakes knitted into the sides. Raph fished under the tree until he found the little package, it being mostly ribbon by Tess’s enthusiastic hand, and handed it off to Leo.

Their Christmas stockings sagged heavily over the mantle, laden with small, inexpensive odds and ends. On top of Raph’s stocking was candy and handmade cards from both Shadow and Tessa, just a few among the other things covering what Leo had placed at the bottom for him weeks ago, before they’d even given their stockings to Mikey to take up to Northampton.

Tess perked up immediately, ready to watch as Raph pulled down his stocking and pawed through it, reaching down into the bottom to retrieve the gift Leo indicated. His hand touched warmed metal, from the time spent hung over the fireplace, and Raph pulled it out curiously.   
  
It was a flask, a medium size, and silver. He’d pulled it out backwards, and he ran his hand over the smooth surface, smiling to himself a little. Was Leo encouraging him to drink? Not that he needed encouragement, with the way he and Casey went at it, and he did work in strip clubs 3 nights a week…  
  
"Thanks, ba-" Raph turned the flask over in his hands and stopped mid-sentence. There, stamped across the front in bold letters, blazed the words "Big Brother is Watching You" in shaky, conspiratious print. Raph blinked, stared at it, and then a wide grin broke over his face. His head tilted back and he barked out a genuine, full body laugh.

"Thanks," Raph finished, "Like I need a reminder."

Leo laughed too, seeing Raph’s expression falter for a brief second as he read the words engraved into the flask. Leo held his socks in hand, opening the packaging through his laughter and peered down at them, toning the high hilarity in favor of a low chuckle. They were nice. As always, very well done, and he liked the design, the stripes and snow flakes over the sides.  
  
"I thought you might like that," Leo said with a smirk, sitting on the edge of a nearby chair and slipping the socks on.

Despite the quip, Raph smiled brightly up at Leo on the couch, sitting cross legged on the floor by the fire. Tessa had crawled down from the couch to look at his present and, though Raph was sure she didn’t understand what was funny, she smiled politely. Raph reached out and grabbed a present from under the tree that contained new Christmas pajamas for Tessa, and pushed it into her hands.   
  
Tessa was not a child to rip into things, prim in a way her father had been at that age without the burden of awkwardness, and she unwrapped the present with carefully measured motions, folding the paper up beside herself as she worked. Leo had picked it out, of course; Tessa was his princess. Her nightgown was dark green and flannel, pretty despite the grandmotherly quality of the material. G had new pants and a tee shirt, but he was still in the kitchen, trying as always to get past Mikey and, as always, getting smacked with a wooden spoon each time he failed.

“Thanks, daddy, papa,” Tess said courteously, picking up her new nightclothes to look them over. She turned the material over in her hands, examining it, and it reminded Raph of Leo when they went to go buy new furniture. Examining everything, even smelling the fabric before deciding whether or not it was to his liking. Raph smiled at the memory; Leo was ridiculous in the exact opposite ways from his own ostentatiousness.

“I’m going to go change now!” Tessa was already up and moving when Raph tossed G’s wrapped pajamas at her.

“Give these to ya brotha,” He instructed and she nodded, changing course to head to the kitchen, “Gonna be time for bed soon.” That part was for Leo, and Raph raised his eye ridges suggestively at his husband. Leo rolled his eyes and flexed his toes against the soft wool of his new socks.

The rest of the evening passed pleasantly for Raphael. Mikey’s Christmas Eve dinner was delicious and, best of all, Raph hadn’t been the one to cook it, like he always had to do at home. Master Splinter sat at one end of the table, Leo at the other, and the rest of the family peppered in the spaces between.

After was a barrage of desserts, which G finally sunk into gluttonously, stuffing himself to bursting and then flopping down on the couch next to Casey, both of them with their hands stuck into the waistband of their pants as they digested the large meal. Humans. Raph was full too, but he didn’t experience the visible pooch of stomach that sometimes effected mammals when they ate too much in a short span of time. Even Tessa’s tiny belly was protruding a bit under her flannel.

Christmas was a time to be with loved ones and make merry, and they certainly did, but there was another type of merry that Raph was eager to make. The upstairs floor of the farmhouse held 3 bedrooms, one for Mikey and Woody, one for Casey, April, and Don, and one for Leo and Raph. Master Splinter slept in the small downstairs bedroom and the children spread out across the living room sofas and floor. This had been the arrangement for years now, and each room had its own Christmas traditions.

Master Splinter often retired first, forcing the house to quiet down as he withdrew to the downstairs bedroom to meditate, read, or just generally get away from the manic energy of the more volatile members of the family. April and Don went next, Don’s arm wound around April’s waist, his lips at her neck, and the two would spend a couple of hours cuddling and talking softly before Casey joined them, dropping loudly into the middle of the bed, disturbing everyone around them with his boisterous manner.

Mikey and Woody went to bed last, staying up to play with the children and read them Christmas stories. Mikey would weave fantastical tales about the family’s lives before they had come above ground, easily enthralling the excitable Shadow and G, and even Tessa’s eyes would widen a little as she leaned in to listen. The stories ranged from mostly true to flat out false, but Mikey enjoyed telling them and the kids liked listening, so no one much minded that Mikey had a tendency to fudge the facts. They’d trail to bed after midnight and Raph could hear them laughing between their kisses into the early hours of the morning.

Raph went to bed whenever Leo did, which varied year to year but typically fell somewhere between Master Splinter’s retreat and Casey’s. Raph liked goading Mikey for his ridiculous stories, liked trash talking with Casey and G, even liked having Tessa and Shadow curl up against the crooks of his knees, but his favorite thing, his absolute favorite thing, about Christmas Eve was climbing up the stairs hand-in-hand with his husband and going to bed. And so when his eldest brother rose and said his round of good nights, Raph lifted the girls off his lap and followed.

Sex had been a part of his relationship with Leo for a long time, for years even before they’d vocalized the depths of their feelings for one another and embarked on the journey of going topside together, no longer brothers in the eyes of the human world, but husbands. Not officially, of course, as mutant marriage of any kind had yet to be legalized. They knew the stigma of incest, however, had learned about it as Casey and April became a part of their lives and taught them more about the human world, and had decided that it would be best to register with the Bureau of Mutant Affairs as unrelated. And by “they had decided,” Leo had decided. Raph had argued, declaring that he wasn’t ashamed of who he was or who he loved, but Leo insisted that their lives would be infinitely easier if they tried to follow at least _some_ of the social norms of human societies. Like not letting everyone know you were sleeping with your sibling.

So many types of sex had happened between them over the years. Sex had been used as a weapon against the other, a method of control and manipulation. Sex was violent and hard, splashed with blood and wounds that Don had to patch up with a put out air of annoyance. Sex was sometimes a quick affair in the backseat of Leo’s car, the hall closet, hurried into the shed, trying to hide from their children and responsibilities for a precious few minutes so that they could come together.

But Christmas … Christmas was special. There were no time constraints, no reason to hurry or hide. They were forced to be quiet, and that had somehow turned into being slow and gentle with one another. Their sex life was many things, but slow and gentle didn’t usually factor into the equation. But, on Christmas, it dominated. Christmas was quiet moments and deliberate touches stroked languidly over each other’s bodies, deeply lethargic kisses, finding repose in each other’s lips, and then the careful rocking of body against body, trying not to wake anyone in the adjacent rooms or, worse, bring Master Splinter up the stairs to knock sharply on the door and politely, but firmly, request that they keep it down.

“Finally,” Raph exhaled once Leo had shut the door behind them, and he pulled Leo close, winding his arms around his neck as their mouths drew together in a leisurely kiss. Leo walked them backwards towards the bed, heat from the little space heater April had stuck in the room earlier washing over his calves. This, being able to have Raphael like this, without a fight, without pain or violence or physical restraint, was another one of the few things he liked about Christmas.

His little brother peeled off his own clothes as they moved, tossing them about the room without care or thought. Raph’s knees buckled when they hit the edge of the bed, and he fell back onto it, pulling Leo down with him. They adjusted, turning on their sides, legs tangling together as their mouths moved over one another, as fingers brushed over cheeks and temples. Leo settled a hand on the back of Raph’s neck, the other on his thigh. Raph edged closer, sliding his hips until his lower plastron sat flush against Leo’s, his hands tightening on Leo’s upper arms as they continued to kiss.

Leo could see snow drifting lazily down from the night sky out the window over Raph’s shoulder, the perfect parallel to the lazy way his tongue pushed against Raph’s, tasting the inside of his mouth. He was glad to be out of the cold, even if the sounds around the house bombarded him and rattled away in his head. He could hear Mikey giggling downstairs, could hear the soft hum of April’s voice, could hear the heavy gait of footsteps outside that he’d noticed when bringing in their overnight bag. He hoped it was just Bigfoot and not something awful, some mutant in the woods waiting to attack his family.

“Hey,” Raph pouted, catching Leo’s lip in his teeth, “Where ya at?”

Leo shook his head and smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Raph’s scowl. “Here. I’m here.”

“You sure?”

In response, Leo moved back and slid down Raph’s body, wrapping strong arms around Raph’s legs to guide him down onto his mouth. Leo nodded once, shortly, and then ran his tongue over Raph’s entrance, tracing around it with the tip of his tongue before pushing in.

“Oh, jesus,” Raph moaned, his head pressing into the pillows as Leo licked over his thighs and spread cheeks, leaning in deeper to thrust his tongue in and out of Raph’s willing body. It set Raph’s thighs to trembling and he bit into his lip, jaw clenched to swallow down the moans of pleasure.

The warm swipe of Leo’s tongue were unrushed; he was content to slowly lick up and down Raph’s body, massage his fingertips into Raph’s hips, and let his tail push against the constraint of the clothes he was still wearing. He could feel the wetness running the length of his tail, dotting the insides of his pants.

Raph’s tail thumbed loudly against the bed, slapping Leo’s chin on occasion, slicking his mouth with moisture, soaking into the sheets. Leo withdrew his tongue out of Raph a moment later and rubbed him with the palm of his hand for a few seconds, straightening out his hand to run a fingertip over the slick spot where his tongue had just been, gently pushing the digit inside of Raph’s body.

Raph felt the finger inside of him shift, push further in, and brush against his prostate in a long, easy stroke that made his mouth pop open and his eyes water. He unsheathed with a shuddering breath. It felt good, so deliciously wonderful, and Raph moved his hands away from his eyes, huffing as he did, fingers curling in the sheets. He wanted Leo closer. Wanted to be able to touch him. He reached his hands down, reaching out for him.  
  
"Leo, I want - I want to kiss you. C’mere. Get up here. Lemme touch you."

Eager to acquiesce, Leo pulled smoothly out and moved up the bed, crawling over Raph and rolling them so Raph was on top. Then they kissed and Leo ran his finger back over Raph’s entrance, sliding it right back into place, curling upward, deeper to reach the bundle of nerves inside him. Their lips stayed locked as Raph churned his hips against the finger inside of him, lifting and dropping against Leo’s wrist as he finger fucked his wet opening.

Raph dipped his fingers between them, deftly unbuttoning Leo’s shirt to push it down his shoulders, reaching to unbuckle his belt and pull it loose, letting it drop to the floor rather than fastening it around Leo’s wrists or hitting him with it, like he would have on some other occasion. He canted his hips up, letting Leo’s fingers slide out and getting off him so that he could edge Leo’s pants down his hard thighs and discard them as well.

Leo allowed himself to be undressed, eyes trained on Raphael with a quiet smolder, a matching smile on his lips as he arched up and grasped the back of Raph’s neck, bringing him in for another kiss before sitting up entirely, getting up on his knees to maneuver them, pushing Raph’s shell up against the headboard. Leo pinned Raph with his legs, Raph’s splayed out on either side of Leo’s thighs, toes curling into the sheets as Leo kissed him breathless.

There was a shift, a rustle of sheet as Leo turned his hips, pressing the head of his slick cock up against Raph’s entrance, all without breaking the contact of their lips. Raph draped his arms around Leo’s shoulders, tilting his hips up and spreading his legs until he could feel the luscious strain in his pelvis, the balls of his feet indenting the mattress as he arched.

Leo fucked him slowly, dropping kisses over his face and shoulders, an exercise in restraint for the both of them as they attempted to keep the headboard from slapping against the wall and revealing them.

Leo let his forehead fall, resting it against Raph’s as he panted. Raph was beautiful, his cheeks flushed, his mouth open. Even with his eyes squeezed shut, he was gorgeous and Leo couldn’t stop looking, didn’t want to stop looking. He simply drunk in the entrancing sight before him, against him, his hand closing on Raph’s straining erection to pump it in time with his driving hips, setting Raph to muffled moaning.

Every time. Every single time, the gentleness undid Raph. He could handle being pounded into the mattress, bit, scratched, spanked. But when Leo did this, when they came together soft and sweet, Raph just lost it. Couldn’t handle it, and less than an hour from the start of their tumble that saw Raph gasping and twisting against Leo as his thighs jumped and his cock twitched.

“Ah, god,” Raph gasped out, rocking his hips up into Leo’s hand, “Fuck, god, Leo!”

The scream was louder than it probably should have been, but Leo couldn’t find it in himself to care as he worked his hand over Raph’s glistening length, rubbing the sticky come over it to help him ride out the last vestiges of his orgasm.

Leo slowed down the closer he got, pacing himself, trying to make it last, squeezing Raph closer. His endeavor to savor afforded him just few more minutes, the contracting of Raph’s muscles pushing him over the edge. He thrust one final time, snapping his hips upward as far into his mate’s body as he could go, and Leo came with a unsteady exhale of breath.

Neither moved much. Raph’s nuzzled his beak into the hollow of Leo’s throat. Leo brushed his fingers over the back of Raph’s shell, outlined the muscles of his arms. Raph struggled to find his coordination again but it was alright, because he had no large desire to move. His fingers twitched first and then his hips, aching from how wide he had spread himself. Leo pulled back first, laying down across the bed and opening his arms for Raph, which he gladly moved into, allowing Leo to hold him, curled up, spent, and content against his brother’s chest.

Leo listened to the hall clock tick its way towards midnight. When it did, he leaned down and gave a kiss to Raph’s forehead, then his lips once Raph withdrew and looked up at Leo.

“Merry Christmas, little brother.”

Raph snickered, shaking his head, but smiled and peppered kisses over Leo’s throat.

“Merry Christmas, Leo.”

  



	7. The Troublemakers

**PART ONE**

"G’s in trouble. Going to school to talk to principal."

Raphael punched out the text to Leo with a scowl. He had never truly appreciated how frustrated their father must have consistently been until he had his own children. Not had, in the sense of birth; their two children were not even the same species. Well, he guessed they were, halfway. They were both human, a blood brother and sister. Tessa and G had been living with Leo and Raph for 6 years now, and Raph loved them almost as much as he loved Leo. If that was possible.

But, damn, G was a handful. Always mouthy. Always in trouble. Fighting. Petty thievery. He didn’t get caught much at that, at least. Raph knew, and he was pretty sure Leo knew too, but it didn’t seem to extend beyond that. Not even Tessa seemed to realize that her brother was a juvenile delinquent.

Raph couldn’t find it in himself to get too worked up about it all when he considered the things he had done when he was 14. Leo had done them too, Raph would always point out. Yeah, this was different, things were different, but being too harsh on G made Raph feel like a hypocrite, so he didn’t do it.

Raph grabbed his leather jacket and slipped it on. One of the drawbacks of going topside was that he had to wear clothes more often. April had helped them find a tailor who specialized in mutant attire, and he and his family had been fitted for a small wardrobe. None of them owned more clothing than they really needed; it was too expensive.

He still got stares. He noticed them more than Leo, he thought. Or maybe it just bothered him more. Raph pulled his helmet on and hopped onto his bike. G’s school wasn’t that far away. His second school. He’d already been expelled from the first; knocked a kid’s teeth in. Literally. They were lucky he hadn’t been arrested. Raph sighed as he rode; G was a good kid, a great fighter, but it was hard to do a ninja vanish in the middle of algebra class.

Stealth wasn’t one of G’s strong points anyway. That was Tessa; the girl like a living shadow. They’d never really discussed training their children, but Raph had decided a few years ago that Leo must be teaching Tessa the art of stealth, at least. There was no way she had learned what she knew through simple observation. Besides, the only chance she had to observe was during their family games of hide-and-seek which, despite himself, Raph always enjoyed. There was nothing like hide-and-seek in a family of ninjas.

Raph parked his bike in the visitor parking in front of the school. He’d been here only once, when G had been enrolled. Leo was usually in charge of meeting with principals and teachers, but he was at work and the school had been adamant that a parent needed to come get G _immediately._ So, here he was. Raph pushed his helmet into a saddlebag and blew out a sigh.

He’d never gone to school, himself. Mikey had. He was the only one of the four brothers. He’d been 17 when the mutant rights movement started, and Mikey had enrolled for a senior year in high school. Raph was mostly sure Donatello had done all of his homework. It had been a trial for the family; Mikey was likable, friendly, and made friends quickly. But he was also a mutant in a world struggling to accept their existence, and humans could be unbelievably cruel. Raph couldn’t count the number of times Mikey had cried himself to sleep, or simply crawled into Raph’s room and slept in his bed, the pain stretching unsaid between them. Those memories and his experiences with G were Raph’s only reference points for high school, and it was enough to make him dislike the institution as a whole.

The receptionist started when Raph walked into the office, and Raph bit down a grimace. He wasn’t in the mood for this.

"C-can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah. I’m here for my son, G." He said, managing not to cross his arms over his chest. "Hamato." He added, when the receptionist didn’t move. Maybe G wasn’t enough information.

But G was enough. Surprise, surprise. The slim man nodded and picked up his phone. “Excuse me, sir, G’s … father is here.” A nod. “Right. Yes.” He hung up the phone. “Go ahead. Right through that door.”

Raph went without thanks.

The office was what he expected. Bright and plain, save for a few motivational posters on the walls. G was sitting in one of two chairs in front of a large oak desk, arms crossed, eyes staring sullenly at the floor. Raph suppressed a grimace. 

The principal got to his feet to extend a doughy hand to Raphael, which he didn’t take. He was an older white man, balding, and pudgy around the middle. He wore khakis and a button down shirt, and his skin looked permanently flushed. Raph decided that he didn’t like him.

"Mr. Hamato, I’m Mr. Black, the principal here."

Raph took the outstretched hand after a beat of silence and tried to ignore the obvious jump as his large, 3 fingered hand slid into the clammy human one. The contact was brief, and Raph took the chair next to G. He noticed that his son hadn’t looked at him but instead continued to stare at the floor, his face set into a deep scowl. 

"Thank you for coming so quickly." The man let out an aggravated sigh. "I’ll just get straight to the point, shall I? As you assuredly know, G has … been part to a fair amount of mischief since his enrollment here."

Raph probably wasn’t supposed to smile at that.

"But, today, that mischief has escalated to the point of violence. Mr. Hamato, your son punched his chemistry teacher."

Probably wasn’t supposed to smile at that either.

Mr. Black seemed to expect a response. Damn. This was why Leo did these meetings.

"Why?"

Mr. Black blinked. “Why? The reason is inconsequential. It’s unacceptable for a student to hit anyone, especially a teacher. It shows a complete lack of respect for the teacher’s authority.”

It was obvious that that wasn’t the right response. Lack of respect for authority. Wonder where G had learned that. Raph crossed his own arms over his chest and stared at the man across from him.

"Look, I ain’t sayin’ it’s okay to punch a teacher. Or anyone." It was a lie. "But I don’t think G would just hit someone for no reason." That was sort of a lie, too. Raph caught G’s eye out of the corner of his own; they both knew it.

Mr. Black was flustered. Raph was supposed to just take the principal’s opinion as divine mandate and punish G accordingly? That wasn’t going to happen. The man sighed and picked his phone up.

"Tracey. Yes. Yes. Send Mr. Whitney in."

Raph watched G visibly tense. Great. This must be the chemistry teacher. Raph was no scientist, but even he knew mutant+angry teenager+asshole teacher+condescending principal = powder keg.

The rest was sort of a blur. Raph understood quickly why G had punched this guy. He was clearly just a, what was the word? A bigot. It was the snide comment about not expecting better from G because he was raised by _animals_ that threw Raph over the edge.

Raph punched him too.

There was a lot of yelling and chaos after that. Raph ignored it. He grabbed G by the back of the collar and yanked him out of the office, down the hall, and out of the school. He pulled his own helmet out of his saddlebag, and pulled one for G out of the other. He shoved it into his son’s hands with speaking.

As he rode home, he missed the sewers. Not the smell, not the darkness or dankness, but the freedom. What a weird thing to miss because if he’d felt anything while living in the shadows, it wasn’t freedom. Isolation. Trapped. But he’d never gotten in trouble for a fight then, not like he could now. Sometimes Raph wondered if Leo had joined the police force just to keep Raph out of prison.

He pulled out his T-phone as he and G walked up the steps to their house. It was small, nice, and in a decent part of town. It also took 9/10ths of Leo’s salary to pay for the rent and bills. Raph’s lips were drawn thin; he’d never thought they’d have to worry about money and rent and bills like humans. He didn’t really like it, living within the confines of a human society, but it did have perks. And it smelled better.

"Hey, Mikey, are you busy?" A pause. "Yeah. Get Tessa from school at 3:30, and make dinner tonight, a’ight? I’m probably goin to go to jail." Another pause, and this time Raph’s voice was indignant. "NO, you _pervert._ Actual jail. For real.” A sigh. “No. No! Mikey, just pick Tessa up, okay? Think ya can you manage that? Yeah. Yeah. Love you too, little bro.” Raph disconnected.

G’s eyes were blazed, boring into him as he got off the phone with his little brother. Raph knew that expression, had seen it often enough. Everything was intense for G, a big deal. 

"Hey." He said, putting his helmet on the table beside the door. "Tough guy. Come here."

G hesitated only a moment before crossing the room and wrapping his arms around Raph’s waist. He pushed his face against his jacket and Raph hugged him around the shoulders, and wondered how long it would be before G was taller than him.

"I’m sorry, Pops." He said. "Sorry I lost my temper."

Raph shook his head. “Don’t be. That guy was an asshole. He deserved to get punched. Don’t ever feel like you gotta put up with shit like that just ‘cause someone is in a position of authority. Don’t let anyone talk to ya that way.”

G pulled back, breaking the hug, and smiled. “Even you?”

Raph smirked back. “Yeah. Even me.”

A sharp knock at the door disrupted the moment, and Raph groaned. Here we go.

  


  


  


  


  


  


**PART TWO**

Leo wasn’t quite out of his twenties and he already had stress lines. They creased his forehead and touched the corners of his mouth, always furrowed and turned down from the near constant worry that had defined his life for a long, long time. His phone laid face up on one side of his desk, the bright little screen displaying the text Raph had sent him a while ago.

The computer screen opposite showed a police report detailing all the information from a case he’d been working on for about a week or so now. It was an independent study, not something he’d been given as a task by anyone but just a file he’d picked up on his own due to some interesting bits he’d noticed. Ever since he’d gotten that text he’d barely looked at it, however, thinking instead about all the things that could possibly go wrong when Raph went to go pick G up from school.

This was G’s second school. If he got kicked out of this one, there weren’t a whole lot of choices available to them. It was either they send him to a private school, which they could not afford and which he would probably get kicked out of too, or alternative school. As much as G’s behavior upset him, he couldn’t do that. He’d seen those kids. They were just a bunch of miniature cons in waiting.

A timid knock rapped against his office door, breaking Leo out of his troubled thoughts. He looked up, reaching out towards the mouse to close the case file before responding.

"Yes?"

A uniform pushed open the door, peeking his head in with an expression of extreme discomfort. Leo got that reaction a lot, though whether it was due to his mutant status or his sunny personality depended upon the person. This poor kid looked like he’d lost a bet, and this was his punishment.

"I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but uh …,” He stammered out, looking anywhere but Leo’s face. Leo tried not to sigh. “Well … your, um, husband is in holding downstairs."

Leo was not someone that you would say had an emotive personality. There was no indication on his face he felt one way or the other about what he’d just been told. The young policeman stepped back a bit, unsettled by the stare.

Internally, Leo was wrestling with himself on how best to respond to this situation. There was extreme anger and a flood of utter embarrassment and despair. They mixed inside of him, creating a vortex of incomprehension not shown on his carefully indifferent face.

"I’ll be there in a moment." he responded after several seconds of silence, bringing his hand up to squeeze the bridge of his beak between his thumb and finger.

God dammit.

=————————————————————————-=

It was a little longer than a moment before Leo had a chance to go down to holding. There were a few things he had to take care of beforehand, such as searching online for a bail bondsman once he found out a bond had been set. Just because he worked for the force didn’t mean he could skip protocol. Raph would just have to wait as Leo went through the proper channels to arrange his release, and it served him right.

In addition to the headache of Raph’s detainment, he had to deal with Jeane, his partner. It was always awkward meeting up with him, listening to his foppish French accent as talked through particular parts of cases. Jeane was good at what he did, though not as good as Leo, and Leo wouldn’t have minded working with him were it not for the looks Jeane gave him sometimes. It made him feel dirty, like he needed to wash. He often did after he’d been in close proximity with Jeane for too long, which pissed Raph off royally and created a strong animosity between the two, despite the fact that they’d met only once or twice. It didn’t matter; Raph hated anyone who liked Leo on principal, and Leo was slightly ashamed to admit that the sentiment was mutual.

When he finally went down to the men’s holding area, he saw Raph instantly. He was difficult to miss, even if he hadn’t been the only mutant there. Raph was posted up against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, golden eyes narrowed in open challenge to those around him, daring anyone to approach. No one did, and Leo was grateful for Raph’s somewhat hostile demeanor and hulking form, for the moment. The last thing they needed was a brawl here. The very idea made him tired and Leo scowled, reached up, and rapped on the glass twice to catch Raph’s attention.

Eyes turned towards them when Leo knocked sharply on the glass and Raph either didn’t notice or ignored them. Leo’s face was unreadable, maybe, to those who haven’t known him long, but not to Raph. Leo was pissed. That wasn’t hard to see.

"What did you do?" Leo asked pointedly, finally allowing his displeasure to display across his face, his tone venomous as he glowered at Raphael through the shatterproof glass cage his stupid, stupid little brother had gotten himself tossed into.

Raph considered his options, something he’d only started to do a little later in life, when their arguments usually started and ended the same way; with words. They still got physical, but it was rare, much rarer than it had been before, and Raph was more hesitant to aim a punch at Leo than he ever had been before. He wasn’t afraid; he could whoop Leo’s ass if he needed to, he was sure. Their lives were just different now.

'It wasn't my fault' was his first thought, but that was so cliché that he couldn't bring himself to say it. 'I punched a guy in the face.' Honest, blunt, but it didn't feel right either. He needed to defend himself. He didn't do anything wrong; quite the opposite. That teacher, that asshole…

"I taught an asshole to think twice before he opens his mouth."

Leo swallowed down the exasperated sigh he wanted to let out. _Yes, Raph. Because hitting solves everything_. He bit back all the curse words and redress that would make him appear unprofessional in front of his co-workers and settled for a simple hand gesture. He pointed through the glass at Raph, then back at himself, eyes sharp enough to cut.

"You and me, meathead. When you get home."

That said, he turned on his heel and stalked off, butting past a clerk, almost making her spill the foam cup of coffee she clutched in her spindly hand. She whipped around, over-permed hair flouncing around her shoulders, and glared daggers at him. She placed a hand on her jutted hip, expecting an apology, but he didn’t give one. He hated the processing team. All of them. Every last one.

And right now he really hated Raph too.

Bond for an assault charge: two hundred dollars.

Once he was alone in his office, Leo dropped his head down, resting his forehead against the cool wood of his desk. Two hundred fucking dollars. Two hundred dollars that could be spent for the violin lessons Tessa wanted or the stupid riding gloves he’d wanted to get Raph for Christmas. Two hundred dollars that could be spent on anything other than keeping his hotheaded husband out of jail, but wasn’t going to be. Two hundred dollars flushed down the drain because of Raph and G’s fucking tempers. Leo resisted the urge to bang his head against the desk.

“Fuck!”

=——————————————————————————————=

Leo spent the rest of the day, sadly, working with Jeane. It was not a good boost of morale after having just come from seeing his husband in a holding cell with a bunch of other grubby criminals. The way Jeane’s eyes wandered over him, the occasional accidental—and Leo was pretty positive—‘experimental’ bumps to the leg or shoulder sent him running to the bathroom on several occasions just to get away from him. The thought was so disturbing. A human looking at him in that way. It was not that he thought humans were particularly unattractive; he just didn’t want to be anyone’s experiment.

Plus… he had who he wanted already.

He waited a little while after work, outside the precinct in the car, drumming his fingertips on the top of the steering wheel. He’d contemplated making Raph walk back home but processing, being the bunch of lazy good-for-nothings they were, didn’t start working through Raph’s file until seven o’ clock, a full hour after Leo had already gotten off. His patience, worn thin already by the day’s events, couldn’t take anymore and he’d decided to just wait. Wait for him to come out so he could tell him how fucking stupid he was.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Raph was released. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Leo had left him there, at least overnight. Or, you know, forever. But he knew Leo wouldn’t actually do that. Still, he wished he’d had a chance to call Casey to bail him out and avoid this altogether.

His belongings, mostly weapons, had been bagged and were returned to him. The legal ones, at least. Annoyance and a bit of remorse swirled in him as he left the station, head down. He didn’t bother looking for Leo. It was almost eight, and he doubted that Leo was in a good enough mood to stick around and give him a lift, and so he didn’t notice Leo watching as he walked past the car, his sack of belongings slung over his shoulder like a hobo pack. He stuffed a hand into the pocket of his motorcycle jacket, face twisting into a scowl.

He hadn’t really meant to hit the guy. He’d just been spewing such putrid filth, and G was sitting right there … What was he supposed to do? Take that? Allow that sort of talk about his family? About Leo? Raph sighed; if sensei was there, he would tell Raph that he should not allow others to turn their words into weapons. Let them wash over him, like a river over stone. Raph scowled; he’d never been great at that particular lesson, and he was pretty sure the years hadn’t really smoothed out his rough edges as much as sensei, or Leo, would have liked.

It wasn’t that far to their home, not for Raph. The idea of seeing Casey wasn’t appealing at the moment. He just didn’t want to have to talk about and explain what had happened. He already knew he was going to have to do that with Leo, and he was going to conserve his energy for that inevitable fight.

Leo slammed his hand down on the horn, shaking Raph out of his thoughts. Raph jumped, startled, and turned when Leo laid on the horn. He stared back at him with his best poker-face. He’d learned that trick from Leo and, while he wasn’t as good at it, he’d improved over the last few years. Of course, he could never mask his emotions the way Leo did, but at least he could keep that look of stormy confusion off his face. Sometimes. If he really tried. Leo pressed the button to let the window down and stuck his head out.

"Hey. How much?"

Raph swallowed hard. If Leo was making jokes, maybe he wasn’t as mad as he had been earlier. He paused, not stepping towards the car just yet. He shifted his weight, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You tell me."

He got rolled eyes in response, and Leo reclined his head back, resting it on the edge of the door frame with one hand on the steering wheel, the other hanging out the driver’s side window. He wanted to laugh at that joke he’d just made, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to laugh just now. Not when there was lecturing to be done. His stomach did a sickening flip-flop at the thought of G at home, waiting for the same treatment he was about to give Raph.

Minus the cursing and prostitution jokes, of course.

"Hmm… cost. What am I going to pay you with, seeing as how it cost me two hundred bucks to bail you out? All I’ve got right now is dick and bubble gum. And I’m fresh outta gum."

Raph couldn’t keep the smirk off his lips. “Are you saying I can skip the lecture if I give ya a blowjob? ‘Cause that can be arranged.”

"Get in the car, Raph!"

So much for the blowjob idea. Oh well. Raph sighed and angled himself into the passenger seat. He didn’t like the car much, and he didn’t ride in it if he could avoid it. Usually he could. He took his bike everywhere, and he took G on it with him. Tessa rode with him less frequently, but she had before.

He looked out the window awkwardly. He hated this part.

He knew he should have held his temper in, and he was better at it than he had been a kid. A bit better. Usually. But living with humans had its own set of stressors and rules, and Raph didn’t respond to either very well.

"Before you start, kiss me."

It was something that Raph often asked, something that had been part of their relationship a long time. The beginning had been a horrible mess of hurt feelings and confusion and fighting and violence. They had both said and done things that they regretted, and Raph had started this ritual when they were 18. Whenever Leo was really, really mad, or Raph thought he was really, really mad, he made Leo kiss him before he started lecturing.

Leo looked coolly at his brother, trying to maintain his anger, but found it difficult at the request made of him.

"You don’t deserve one."

He let that hang in the air a moment before reaching down and unbuckling his seat belt, leaning in to give him the kiss he’d asked for.

It wasn’t the type of kiss Raph had been expecting, but it heartened him. When Leo was genuinely pissed, the pre-lecture kiss was brief, closed lipped, and cold. That had only happened a few times, and Raph let out a quiet sigh of relief against Leo’s mouth.

It got a little heated, more so than Leo had intended on letting it get, and he broke away. They were still in the parking lot of the precinct. He turned the key in the ignition and put the car in drive.

Raph wanted to drag Leo back to him as he pulled away, and probably would have if the circumstances were different. He was less concerned about having sex with the children around, but it was a big deal to Leo. He didn’t see why. They’d been having sex at 14 and16. And they’d made out in front of their father’s room more than once. But Leo didn’t feel that way. One of the minuses of being parents, he supposed. Children required lots of attention, meaning less time spent with your partner. Meaning pretty much anything you did sexually becomes an event.

Leo cleared his throat uncomfortably. It would be better to talk to Raph now rather than waiting until he got home. He and G would band together against him, just like they always did, and nothing would be solved. He’d always had a difficult time talking to the boy and Raph’s enabling never made it any better. He could hear it now, see them folded up on the couch together glaring at him…

'Pops says I was in the right.'

'Leo, you just don't get it! Ya gotta see from our point of view!'

Ugh.

No. He was ‘not’ putting himself through that. Not tonight.

"Raph, I called the school after I found out what happened. Do you realize how lucky you are that no charges were pressed against you? Do you want to know why it is it didn’t happen?"

Raph kept his answers internal at first. No, he didn’t. His mouth twisted into a scowl, though. Why the fuck had he just spent the whole evening in a holding cell if no charges were pressed? Was that how it worked? Leo’s second question sort of answered that for him, though, and he was glad he hadn’t said it.

"Because you love me?" He tried.

"No, Raph." Leo said flatly. He made a left turn, looking over his arm at him, "G was expelled. That was the condition they gave me. Keep your kid at home or we send your husband to jail for assault in the first degree. And it gets better!"

The next turn was sharper, his temper rising. They speed around the corner, and Leo almost ran a red light. The car stopped jerkily just over the stop line.

"On top of having to pay two hundred dollars to get your ass out of jail, I have to pay the teacher’s medical bills! How am I supposed to do that?! Why didn’t you just kill him, Raph?! The guy has a cleft palate now!"

That was probably sarcasm, Raph figured as he scowled out the window. This wasn’t something he’d ever had to consider before. He hadn’t meant to hit him that hard, and he honestly hadn’t realized he had. He would pay the bills. He didn’t want to say that either, because he was pretty sure Leo wasn’t aware of all of his night time activities, and he’d wonder how he got so much money. He might wonder anyway, but he could wonder after Raph had done it and paid it and there was nothing he could do about it. Raph shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at his feet. The human world sucked.

He shouldn’t have gone. He should have waited. He should have sent Mikey or April to pick G up. But he hadn’t, and his temper had fucked everything up. He still thought the asshole deserved to get punched for what he had said, but he felt like he should leave that out. Somehow, he didn’t think Leo would agree. ‘Yeah, way to prove him right, Raph.’ That’s what Leo would say.

"I’m sorry." He said finally.

Leo said nothing, glaring forward at the red light in front of them. He wished he could just snap his fingers and make red lights turn green. He wanted to get home and just be done with today. Ground G for a month, play with Tess for a half-hour, and then go to sleep. Simple. But things could never ever just be simple. Never be easy. Why had he ever left the sewers?

The light finally changed and he sped off, coming almost too fast into the driveway once he reached the front of their modest home. Hitting Raph’s bike as punishment sounded like a sweet idea, but he didn’t do it. He just parked off to the side of it, and slammed his forehead on the horn.

Once, twice, three times.

It was harder to navigate their aggression and tempers with children, because they’d silently agreed not to hit one another in front of Tessa or G. It just felt wrong, but Raph was pretty sure Leo wanted to punch him right then. ‘He should understand, then,’ Raph’s brain quipped, ‘Sometimes someone pisses you off so bad that you just can’t help but hit them.’

He didn’t say that, because the fact was, whether Leo wanted to hit him or not, he wasn’t. Raph didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to let Leo cool off before he talked to him anymore. So, he got out of the car, leaving Leo to seethe as he went inside.

Mikey was on the couch with the kids when he entered the house, Tessa draped over him and G next to him, his arms crossed over his chest. Raph fixed G with a look that very clearly communicated ‘Get ready.’

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


**PART THREE**

Leo sat in the car, his forehead resting against the steering wheel, and breathed. Inhale, 1-2-3-4, exhale, 1-2-3-4. It took a good ten minutes or so before he felt calm enough to angle himself out of the car and ascend steps that led in to his family. Calm was a loosely defining term for what Leo felt and seeing G on the couch left him uncertain of what to say. He paused, looking at his petulant son, feeling as old and tired as he and his brothers had surely made Splinter feel.

His daughter curled in Mikey’s lap, but she slid off with graceful silence as Leo entered, a small smile setting upon her lips, arms outstretching in demand of a hug. Leo obliged and pecked her cheek as well, enjoying the warmth of her tiny body against his cool skin. She was in her night dress and slippers already, and the light fragrance of rose water wafting off her short braids let him know that she had already taken her bath.

G, on the other hand, was still in his school clothes, which were wrinkled and dirty. His arms were crossed over his chest, feet propped up on the coffee table as he scowled off to the side, openly avoiding his father’s stare. Leo frowned deeply and suppressed a sigh.

Goddammit.

"G… kitchen please."

Tessa disentangled herself from Leo and climbed back onto the couch with her uncle, shooting G a sympathetically stern look that was so like Leo’s expressions that Mikey had to hide his smile behind his hand. He looked from his niece and nephew to his brother, trying unsuccessfully to wipe the wry smile from his lips.

"G in trouble again?" Mike asked with pity in his voice, though whether it was for Leo or G he did not indicate. Leo just sighed, choosing not to answer, and marched to his doom after his eldest child. Best to just get it over with.

Upon entering, Leo saw Raph at the sink, washing the dishes that Mikey had let pile after dinner. His shoulders tensed as Leo and G entered, but he remained silent. How long that lasted remained to be seen, but Leo didn’t expect Raph to be particularly _helpful_ in this conversation. He rarely was when it came to G or matters of discipline.

As for G, his eyes were flashing mutinously as he dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. The mismatched depths turned to Raph for back up and support, things that his father just couldn’t provide right then. Not with Leo right there. Not with what he had learned in the car.

"Pops said-" G started, not giving Leo a chance to open his mouth, to lecture or criticize.

"Listen to your father." Raph spit back, his voice dark and quiet. He didn’t use that tone very often with G, but the kid knew what it meant. Shut up. Listen. G did shut up, his surprise silencing him, and then his eyes narrowed in anger, glowering daggers at Raph’s head, like he had just been betrayed.

Whatever. Raph turned his back, returning to the dishes, and left the actual dirty work of the forthcoming conversation to Leo. As expected. Leo drew his lips thin and crossed his arms over his chest, staring down at his son in a way that would intimidate most, but that the troublemaker had gotten quite used to and let it roll right off him. Leo frowned deeper.

"You were expelled G. Again." He tried his best to try to keep from sounding _too_ angry, too keyed up, but it was difficult. G … G pushed his buttons. Just like Raph.

"This is the second school you’ve gotten kicked out of since you started. Do you realize what this means? Do you have a _clue_?”

"Is that rhetorical?" G quipped, and Raph winced, giving his head a deprecating shake. The kid hadn’t learned the art of keeping that shit internal yet. Leo sucked air in through his clenched teeth.

 _Don’t smack him. Don’t._ But he wanted to so badly. He always did whenever he had to have these kinds of talks with his belligerent child. He was just like Raph. Forever fighting. He could never just _listen_. And Leo was the bad guy! The one who didn’t understand! No matter what he did, what he said, he was just the hard ass disciplinarian to G, simply because he wasn’t laissez-faire about rules and structure, like Raph tended to be. Because he actually _cared_ about G’s education, or lack thereof.

“ _Why_ did you feel the need to punch your teacher in the face?” Leo demanded, unable to keep the angry tremble out of his voice, the accusing finger down. “What did he do—what did he say that was so bad you felt like he deserved a broken nose? Caught you smoking in the boy’s bathroom? Caught you pilfering ice cream cups out of the freezer in the cafeteria?”

"I’m pretty sure Pops broke his nose, not me." G interjected sulkily, but it was mostly drown by Leo blowing his top.

"It doesn’t _matter_ who did it! We’re going to be eating nothing but instant ramen for the next month because you and ‘Pops’ over here can’t control your tempers!”

"Why are you even asking then!?" G threw at Leo, voice rising into a yell. "You don’t care! It’s always my fault! I’m always wrong!"

"I don’t _care_?! I go to work every day and bust my shell to feed you and clothe you and I don’t _care_?! G—there aren’t any more schools we can send you to! Don’t you get it?! You _need_ an education!”

But Leo was tired, tired of this fight, tired of yelling, and he didn’t feel like doing this anymore. He was just tired. Emotionally and physically. But if he backed down and did nothing, G wouldn’t learn. He’d just keep going on the same way. Leo loved him. He did—despite his behavior. He wanted the best for his troublesome son.

Leo and G frosted one another across the table for a brief moment, cool blue to deep brown, and Leo let out an exasperated sigh, flopping down into one of the chairs at the table, and rubbed his temple.

"G.. Just go to your room."

G opened his mouth to protest, to yell, but he shut it again as Raph looked over his shoulder and shook his head.

"Now you’re on his side!?" G accused Raph over Leo, looking like a cornered animal ready to spit and swipe and take down everything around him.

"I’m not on anyone’s side," Raph replied with a shrug of his shoulders, tossing the dish rag onto the counter as he turned.

The anger flared in their teenager’s face, erupting into violence as G stomped out, slamming his fist sharply into the door frame as he passed it, cussing loudly and hurdling himself up the stairs. Raph watched him go, feeling worse than he did in the car, but Leo’s voice distracted him before his thoughts could spiral too deeply, before the guilt could really surface.

"Why do I always have to be the asshole?" Leo mused aloud after a few minutes had ticked silently between them. He leaned his head back and glared a hole into Raphael’s shell, his husband turned back towards the sink again, willing in his mind for him to turn around and look, raise a questioning ridge to which Leo would respond, ‘You want to fix me some tea’ in his best Jedi voice.

He would have to think long and hard about the G problem. He just didn’t have a solution for that right now. It scared him to think of what the boy might get up to during the day while he was gone and the privileges Raph would let him enjoy despite his specific instructions not to. If G couldn’t go to school, he’d have to find something else for him to do. Something that keep him and Raph separated while he was at work and away from any of the things he liked, like comics and TV.

"Do you think I got through to him?" Leo asked.

"No," Raph answered honestly, wiping soapy water from his hands as he put the kettle on the stove. "He’s probably angrier now. He thinks you don’t listen to him. You don’t try to understand." It was easy to describe how G felt, because it was how Raph often felt about Leo at that age.

"I asked him, didn’t I? He chose not to answer."

"You didn’t give ‘im a chance to answer."

Leo sighed. “I try, Raph. I really do try. But he doesn’t make it easy.”

"I know." Boy, did he know.

Raph took the steaming kettle off the stove and poured hot water into a cup. He hated tea; he didn’t drink it, but he knew how to make it exactly how Leo preferred.

"You aren’t an asshole." He assured quietly as he timed the tea mentally. "And … you’re right. G’s just a kid, but I shoulda controlled my temper. I’m a grown up."

Raph grunted out a noise of agitation. He didn’t like admitting he was wrong, but it had gotten easier as he got older and arguably more mature. It was easier when Leo was so distraught, when Raph could see the frayed edges that Leo typically kept so skillfully concealed. He picked up the cup and sat it on the table in front of Leo. He wanted to kiss him, but he refrained.

"Mikey took Tessa outside to play." He said quietly. He knew Leo knew; he would have heard it too, but it was more of a thinly veiled suggestion: go play with the child who doesn’t make you want to tear your eyeballs out.

"Yeah," Leo nodded and smiled as he thought of his little daughter. He had seen her outside through the window, standing up on the seat of the swing as Mike pushed her, her nightgown blowing back and forth in breeze. She was very different from her older brother. She was more optimistic and less given to temper tantrums. And she was _obedient_.

Leo picked up his tea cup and took a sip, looking up at Raph as he did to let him know, wordlessly, that he appreciated it. He polished off the cup in a short time, hard to do when it was steaming hot, but he managed and pushed back the chair, leaving the kitchen without a word to join his youngest child and youngest brother out in the backyard.

"Hey sweetheart," Leo greeted, winking at Mike as he handed the reins over.

“Hi, daddy,” Tess replied cheerfully, eyes swiveling to her father as she continued to swing, kicking off in the grass with her pink slippers. Leo watched her, his expression turning tender, and leaned against the edge of the swing set. He groaned quietly, turning to Michelangelo.

"I don’t know what to do, Mike. I’m at my wit’s end. This is the second time. The _second_! We can’t take him anywhere now.”

"Maybe you should ground Raph too." Mike suggested with a small smile. There was a lot of happiness and love in the family, he knew that, but he also knew that G drove Leo to the edge in a similar way that Raph did, without the release of being able to punch him in the face when it got overwhelming.

Leo had such a good comeback for that. He’d ground Raph alright. Right into the fucking mattress.

But that was not a child friendly response. Oh the trials of parenthood…

He said instead, “I would… but then I’d have to find someone to babysit him, too.”

Tessa pushed off the swing and ambled over. Her fuzzy slippers slid around in the grass, making her usually even and steady gait adorably cute rather than unsettling…

He had spent time training her and had been pleased when she seemed to take to it, but it bothered him how quiet she could be. It was getting to the point now where she was starting to surprise him more and more often, popping up in the strangest places, disappearing in and out of shadows like a ghost. He supposed it was a good skill for his child to have, the art of invisibility that he, himself, had perfected, but it was still unnerving to witness in such a small and lovely child. A part of him didn’t want for this daughter, even if he realized the practicality of it.

He wound his arms around her when her tiny frame came crashing into him, leaning down to pick her up. Tessa told him about her day happily, her legs wrapping as much around Leo’s waist as they could as she described what she’d done in school, what her best friend Marcy was up to, how Uncle Mikey had made them pizza for dinner, real pizza, and he’d shown her how to throw the crust in the air, and hadn’t been mad when she dropped it. She added in how G was a sourpuss once or twice, but she was tactful enough not to mention him much.

Mikey smiled and assured Leo that he didn’t let his children eat the floor pizza, but Leo wasn’t entirely sure he believed him. Still, it was a much nicer conversation than the one he’d left inside and Leo indulged it until it grew late. Tessa was still young and would need to be put to bed soon, so Leo said goodnight to his little brother, gave him a hug around the shoulders and let Tessa snuggle and kiss him affectionately until the two were waving good bye as Mikey’s little red sports car disappeared into the distance.

=————————————————-=

Inside, as Leo found peace in his interactions with Tessa, Raph shifted uncomfortable in front of G’s door. Finally, he knocked and pushed the door open a little bit. “Can I come in?” He asked.

"No," G replied without looking up from where he lay face down on the bed.

"Lemme rephrase that," Raph said, "I’m comin’ in."

More talk. He didn’t wanna talk. To anyone. Especially not his pops, Raph. G blew air into the cloth of the mattress, the heat of his breath warming the bottom half of his face. It didn’t smell very good and he made a mental note to brush his teeth before going to bed. His father, Leo, had an embarrassing habit of coming in some nights to check. Ugh. Father. He was uptight. Awkward to hang out with. Even harder to talk to.

G glared up as Raph waltzed his way into his room, kicking the door closed behind him. What was this now? The traitor returns? What did he want?

"I jus’ wanna be left alone. I don’t feel like talkin’."

"I know," Raph replied.

That kind of made him sound like an asshole, Raph realized. Oh well. He kept going.

"Look, I shouldn’ta punched your teacher. I know he’s a dick and what he said was fucked up, but I shoulda controlled my temper. I got the family into a lot of trouble." Raph paused for a second and then continued. "And I’m not sayin’ you were wrong. I dunno what happened. I’m not sayin’ he didn’t deserve it. But sometimes, we gotta think about more than just ourselves. More than just about what we are feelin’ right then, or how angry we are, or how much that person really deserves to have their nose broken."

Raph sighed, feeling like the world’s biggest hypocrite, and sat himself at G’s desk. “Do you want to tell me what happened? I’ll listen.”

He didn’t want to tell that story at all. Not now. In the kitchen, he’d been anxious to get it out so Leo would know and understand why he’d done what he’d done. But now, absent of a challenge or a reason why he ‘should’ tell it, he didn’t want to. He looked away from Raph, dark eyebrows furrowing together. The image of the turtle lying on its shell in that shallow metal dish came to him for the millionth time that day, and he pushed his face down behind his arms where it couldn’t be seen. He wasn’t weak, but … he just couldn’t. Hadn’t been able to do what the teacher told him to do, and then those nasty comments … Like Leo, G just wanted this day to be over.

"Thanks for the offer," G grumbled, "But I don’t wanna."

Raph shrugged his shoulders, looking over his son. “You don’t hafta. Not right now. But I want you to tell me eventually.”

The why was important to Raph, because it helped him understand. He knew that most of G’s anger was fueled by something, and he could help more if he knew what that something was. Not like he had helped today, hopefully.

Raph drew himself up and popped his shoulders. “It’s late, and I probably got my own talking-to waitin’. Night, then. Love ya, punk.”

Raph let himself out of the room just as Leo was coming out of Tessa’s and the two met eyes across the hall as they quietly shut their children’s bedroom doors.

"I’m guessing, since he isn’t blasting Linkin Park and throwing things, your talk with him went better than mine."

"Less yelling. Got about as far, though."

Leo turned and walked down the hall toward their bedroom, a yawn escaping him despite himself. He had never thought he’d actually get so used to sleeping all night. He pushed open the door and walked in, staring with longing and a little bit of disbelief at the queen size dominating their room, one side made up with hospital corners and fluffed pillows. The other was a complete wreck, a tangle of blankets, sheets, pillows, and things that just didn’t belong in bed.

Or did they?…

Weapons. Raph slept with his sais on the nightstand or under his pillow. A stack of biking magazines about to slip off teetered on the dresser, on top of which, for some reason, was an assortment of throwing stars. There were other things too that, considering who they were, could also be thought to be weapons: belts, tools, sports equipment that likely belonged to Casey (and thus at _Casey’s house_ )

Another deep sigh.

"We do have a tool box Raph… And there’s nobody in here at night with you but me. Why do you need throwing stars?"

Raph loitered in the hall, sizing Leo up. He moved into the door frame, not sure if he wanted to go in, not sure if he was welcome. They’d never done something so silly and stereotypical as making the other sleep on the couch, though Raph had been gone overnight more than once of his own accord.”You can be dangerous.”

Leo turned and looked over his shoulder at Raph. There was still a lot he felt needed to be said but what good would it do? It wouldn’t change what had happened. He shot Raph a smile of assurance, and went to the mirror to strip off his clothes. First the shirt, then the god awful pants. He’d learned to live with a lot, but having to wear clothes all the time was something he didn’t think he’d ever get used to. They were so confining. So inextricably tied to ones status in the human world. It irked him.

"I’m not gonna yell at you anymore, Raph. I don’t have the energy."

Raph slid into the room quietly after the assurance, watching Leo undress. He wasn’t a fan of clothes either, but one thing he did like about it was that he had developed a concept of nudity, and it felt different to see Leo without clothes now. Which was strange, because he had for most of their lives, but that had changed in the last 7 or 8 years.

He tidied his side of the bedroom as Leo got ready for bed, putting away what he could and stacking up what needed to go out of the bedroom just to have something to occupy his hands. He knew he hoarded weapons around him, but he couldn’t help it. How many times had they thought their family had found peace, only to be attacked by an alien or a robot or the Shredder back from the dead for the millionth time? He didn’t want to risk it. Not with Tessa and G in the house. Not with them not knowing how to defend themselves well enough.

"I told G I was wrong," Raph said as he started to pull off his own clothes.

Wrong about what exactly, Leo wondered. He knew what Raph meant. He meant the hitting part. Without any explanation from G as to why it’d had to be done in the first place, besides just the guy making a comment, it didn’t feel right letting him say that. He doubted Raph actually felt wrong for hitting him. It was more likely he was upset with himself for the way things had played out: The bail and G’s expulsion. Raph wasn’t the type to say ‘I was wrong’ out of nowhere. The old pride was still there; he just managed to keep a better grip on it nowadays.

After slipping out of his clothes, Leo contemplated hopping in the shower now rather than in the morning. The bathroom seemed a mile away… Leo jerked, head turning towards his work phone on the dresser, thinking he’d heard it ring, but it hadn’t. No one called. Which meant he didn’t have to go look at a dead body right now… He could crawl in bed next to Raph..

And maybe, just maybe, they’d get to fool around a little.

"You weren’t wrong. You were, but not completely.” Leo edged onto his side of the bed, bumping Raph around as he came into the bed beside him. "Don’t ask me to explain. It’s 11, which means we have an hour before I _have_ to close my eyes—so get your shit off and come hold me.”

Raph didn’t argue. Leo didn’t even know why Raph punched the teacher, but now wasn’t the time to bring up that comment. Instead, he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it into the general direction of the hamper. He felt guilty about all of this. He felt guilty when he saw how tired Leo looked a lot of the time, and he felt guilty knowing that he and G were often the source of that. Leo’s job was stressful anyway, without having two angry psychopaths under his roof.

Raph got his stress out the same way he always had; fighting. He still went out at night with Casey once a week or so, and he spent two or three more nights cage fighting. Sometimes he did fights in the earlier evenings, if he could get away. It was brutal and it was illegal, but the money was decent and Raph needed the release. And, of course, he got plenty of chances to toss assholes out when he bounced at Angelcakes and Dusty’s Monday – Wednesday. That money wasn’t as great, but it was fun work and most of the girls genuinely liked him. Leo didn’t hear about that particular aspect of the job; he had a jealous streak a mile wide and while it could be endearing or almost sweet at times, it was mostly just annoying.

In the beginning they’d had a lot of problems expressing themselves. ‘I love you’ was a bland and awkward ‘Hey man. I care about you.’ Affection was only given out of sight of others and intimacy was always a struggle. It was more like a fight than anything really lovey or passionate. That wasn’t the case any longer and Raph leaned over, pulling Leo across the bed, turning to press Leo’s face against his neck and wrap his arms about his shoulders. “Come here, you.”

Leo smashed himself into Raph, tangling their legs together, squeezing his arms around his middle. In the morning he never had much time anymore for anything longer than a goodbye kiss and sometimes at night when they were together he would get calls about bodies he needed to go and look at right away. Just laying together was a rare luxury, never mind finding an opportunity to make out.

Raph kissed Leo’s temple gently and shifted a bit, kissing his ear and then his neck. Adjusting to not having sex every other night had been hell on Raph, and he still didn’t like it. And they couldn’t now. There wasn’t time and they were too loud. Tessa would hear, and Leo had a _thing_ about that.

It wasn’t just the children that demanded a lot their energies, but Leo’s work as well. Literally everything they did together felt like a big deal, and while that was sort of nice in its own weird way, Leo was sick of it. They had to plan now. Literally ‘plan’ when they were going to fuck. He had dates marked on his computer at work. He was always stupidly happy those days… and everyone noticed it.

"I hate my job, Raph."

He kissed Leo’s neck again and slid a hand up his thigh, brushing softly across the skin. He’d heard this before and it made him feel like he should be doing more to contribute in the house. The first time Mikey had called him a “househusband” Raph had punched him square in the beak, but it was somewhat true. Raph worked, brought in some money, but it was Leo who provided the bulk of the financial support and Raph who took on more of the domestic duties: cooking all the meals, taxi-ing the children around, sewing their Halloween costumes … Raph loved his family and he didn’t mind doing the things he did, even if he caught shit from Casey for it. Raph’s masculinity wasn’t so delicate that it could be threatened by knitting needles, and Leo thought he was sexy as hell in the pink apron he wore when he cooked.

Leo sometimes felt guilty about the venting and complaining he did about his occupation, but he didn’t have anyone else to confide in about it, other than Donatello. Don was a lot of things, but an empathic listener wasn’t one of them. Donatello also loved his job at the precinct, but he didn’t have to do any of the things that Leo had to do. Don didn’t have to locate suspects or witnesses, look for all the between, the possibles. He didn’t have to see the things that Leo saw and he didn’t have to break the news to victim’s families.

But he didn’t want to think about work right now. Fuck work. Fuck Donnie.

"I got an idea to help you relax," Raph whispered into Leo’s ear, moving his hands with more purpose, nuzzling into Leo’s neck.

Leo shuddered at the feel of Raph’s hand across his skin. His eyed opened and he looked up, reaching behind his head for one of the extra pillows. “What’s that?” he asked, playing along.

Raph shifted, coming up to straddle Leo’s hips. “I’m going to make you cum until you pass out,” He murmured, gliding his hands across Leo’s plastron. It was all the relief he had to give, and it was fun for everyone.

Raph was able to control his aggression better now, and sex was not necessarily an act of violence between them any longer. It could be, but it didn’t have to be. Raph’s kisses were soft, and he littered them generously over Leo’s body, starting at his neck, giving him a few small nips over his collar and shoulders before kissing down his plastron. His hands found the junction of Leo’s leg and shell, and he massaged his palms against the skin there.

Leo laid his hands to the back of Raph’s head as he made his journey downward, lips and teeth kissing and scraping over areas of him that hadn’t been touched in a while. He was sensitive and Raph’s hands pressing into the stressed muscles of his thighs made his toes curl, his fingers twitch on the back of Raph’s head.

He peered down, eyes half-lidded, and attempted to say something but stopped mid-way through the first word. He thought better of saying what it was he planned to say originally, something smug that would ruin the mood, as it always did with Raph.

"Okay. Go for it." It was a challenge. Raph liked challenges. Not that it would be much of one tonight, but still.

Raph grinned against Leo’s skin, nodding his assent. He wanted to move slower, but he just couldn’t. He loved the feel of Leo’s skin under his hands. He loved the way his muscles tensed and relaxed under his fingers. He wished he could do this more often.

Leo sucked in a deep breath of air, head falling back, pressing into the mass of fluff under his head. He reached back up for the pillow again, certain this time he’d need it to muffle himself.

Raph’s tongue flicked out and traced the outer edge of Leo’s plastron before drawing down to the junction of his hip. Raph bit there, softly, kissing and sucking the skin. He pushed Leo’s thighs further apart and dropped his head between his legs. His tongue licked the length of Leo’s tail, drawing up and down at a languid pace. Then, he opened his lips and drew Leo’s tail into his mouth fully, running his tongue over it.

"Raph!" He reached, but he couldn’t quite get there. His nails simply ghosted of the crown of Raph’s head. He snapped his eyes closed, pushed himself down. His tail twitched against the inside of Raph’s cheek. Good god. It was a struggle to keep from wrapping his legs around Raph’s head, using the strength of them to pull him in good and hard and keep him there so he could fuck his face. He brought the pillow up and covered his mouth, not wanting to yell obscenities through the wall he shared with his nine year old.

Raph smirked. That shut him up. Well, not literally, but he knew the tone Leo had used earlier. He knew what it meant. He moved his head on Leo’s tail like he was sucking his cock, his fingers kneading Leo’s thighs and hips. It wasn’t something they did often, because it could be a bit overwhelming, but it felt right tonight. He wanted to overwhelm Leo with nice things that felt good so he could go to sleep with something other than stress looming over him.

Raph’s fingers kneading at his hips and the tops of his thighs added a sort of release to this maddening ritual —gliding his tail back and forth over his tongue, bringing his teeth to bare at the most responsive spots on the short length. He didn’t have anything to say that he could say out loud other than the occasional “Yes” hissed through clenched teeth, followed by an insistent bucking of his hips. With every passing second, his knees drew up further, closer to the sides of Raph’s head. He was going to clamp the shit out of him when he came..

And it wouldn’t be long now before that happened.

A throaty moan worked its way past Raph’s occupied lips as Leo rocked into his mouth. He’d almost forgotten how fucking hot Leo was when he was going down on him. It was going to be hard not to make a mess on the sheets. Raph was dimly aware of Leo’s thighs slowly boxing his head, but he didn’t care. He didn’t give a shit at all. He groaned against Leo when he ground up against Raph’s face, and his arms moved to wrap around Leo’s thighs. He pulled Leo closer, holding him against his mouth. Raph crunched up, straining his core muscles, and lifted Leo off the bed slightly, unintentionally, but it was alright because it made it all the easier to slide Leo’s tail down his throat.

Leo murmured unintelligibly into the pillow he had covering his face, holding it tight, both arms wrapped around it to hold it in place. So many things that he couldn’t say out loud, things that he wanted:

Fuck me. Do it. Right now. I don’t care about the damn sheets! That’s what washing machines are for! Better yet… _you_ bend over and let me do you. I’ve got a pair of handcuffs that would be perfect, especially considering the day’s events.

But he couldn’t because Tessa was just on the other side of that wall and she hadn’t even been asleep a half-hour yet. Leo loved his children. Really he did and the idea of Tess waking up to _that_ stilled his tongue.

He tried with all his might to hold on just a little bit longer, to make it last for just another moment, but when Raph lifted him up off the bed, moaned into him like that, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t and it pissed him off and made him happy at the same time.

I could call out, Leo thought. I could just call out and stay in here all day and make Raph crawl around on all fours for me in that suit he wears, the one he puts on when he has to go do important things. Things he hates doing. Like going to PTA meetings and dinner.

Yes…

Raph groaned, his nails digging into Leo as he rocked against him. God, yes. Fuck. Leo’s thighs had started to squeeze his ears, but he just held him tightly and moaned, his own cock unsheathing against the bed. He hadn’t really meant for that to happen, but the sound of Leo getting off, his quiet, strangled moans against the pillow caused a reaction that Raph couldn’t quite control. He could fuck Leo. He could be quiet, if he had to. Just turn him over on and bed and slam into him and …

But such is not to be. Just Leo arched off the body and began to cum, the phone blasted out its shrill ring, startling Raph. Weeping and sniffling drifted in from the room next-door, adding Tessa’s wailing cry to the abrupt cacophony of ruined mood and lost chances.

Jesus fucking christ! Raph stared at the phone in disbelief as he felt Leo tense back up, then pull away. Leo grabbed it, and Tessa started to cry louder. _God_. Their family had the worst fucking luck.

Raph took a deep breath. He had never imagined he’d use his qi gong training like this, but life was funny that way. He took twenty seconds or so to steady his breathing, calm his body, and then he was up, pulling on sweatpants. He gave Leo a sad, sympathetic look as he left the room to check on their daughter.

It pained Leo to hear Tessa calling for him and not be able to go to her because he had to sit there on the edge of the bed talking to Jeane about some dead guy that, at that precise moment, he could not care less about. Tessa had nightmares frequently, and she rarely remembered them. Raph secretly thought it was suppressed trauma from the first three years of her life, but he didn’t know if that was true, or even possible. Raph hated this. He hated seeing Leo so stressed out and upset all of the time. Fuck, he hadn’t even been this stressed when they were fighting aliens and going to different dimensions.

"What’s wrong, kid?" He asked, coming into the room. His relationship with their youngest was not as strong as his with G. Tessa was a little Leo. Well, except for the crying, but he still loved her and they got on well enough. He indulged when she reached her arms out, and Raph pulled her up. Lifting the human child was like nothing to him, and he held her bride style, the girl’s arms draped around his shoulders, her sniffling face pressed against his neck.

"Daddy has to go to work. Do you want to go say goodbye before he leaves?"

Tessa nodded against him, and Raph carried her into the hallway. He knocked on the bedroom door with his foot. “Are you decent?” He asked, not bothering to be quiet. There was no way G was asleep.

"Come in," Leo answered. He was in the corner of the room they tossed random things into. Or, rather, the corner of the room Raph threw random things into. Raph watched Leo search; he knew what he’s looking for. Tessa watched as well. Just being in the room with Leo seemed to calm her, and she was quiet again, clinging to Raph as she stared at Leo with her misty, ethereal eyes.

It was funny how, of all the things that went missing in this house, he could always find his keys before he found his handgun. He had a sneaking suspicion that Raph hid it when he took it off, afraid he lose it one day. He smiled bitterly, thinking of the missed opportunity he’d just had to ‘lose it’ with his husband and silently thanked him for his wisdom. He really did feel like shooting somebody right now.

"Just bring a ninjato." Raph teased when Leo’s search came up fruitless.

"What’s a ninjato?" Tessa asked, peering up at Raph.

"I can’t bring a—it’s a—” Leo laughed, despite himself, and turned to look at the two members of his family, shaking his head. "Bring me my baby, Raph."

Raph’s smile widened and he crossed the room, leaning over to kiss Leo softly as he transferred the girl into his arms. Thank god. Tessa always makes Leo happy. Leo squeezed their little one tightly and she pressed her cheek to his, yawning. Her ebony head fell down onto his shoulder.

"I hope you have a good night and don’t see anything too scary, Daddy." It happened a lot. Leo leaving, and she didn’t like it, but she didn’t know what to say to her father about it. She knew he had to work and that it was important, but being happy was important too and he was frequently not so… Which made her unhappy. Which made G unhappy, and then Papa was unhappy, and when he wasn’t happy he burned dinner a lot and cussed. But she wasn’t supposed to tell that.

"Thanks, Tess. I hope so too," A little of an awkward finish, perhaps, but he didn’t feel the need to immaculate with Tessa. He could see in her violet eyes she loved him no matter what.

He kissed her cheek, told her he loved her, and then looked pointedly at Raph. “Where is it?”

He reached out and took Tessa from Leo. She seemed recovered from her nightmare now, but she still wrapped her arms around Raph’s neck. He sighed. She always felt so tiny. It worried him, not because he thought someone was going to hurt her. No one would, if they knew what was good for them. But he thought of Tessa as a sort of embodiment of Leo’s happiness. And she was fragile. And so was it. He’d never tell anyone he thought that; it was too stupid.

"I might have seen it in the front closet, you know, in passing. Maybe."

Leo nodded and brushed past them out of the room and down the stairs. After a moment, Raph followed, taking Tessa to the kitchen to make her some tea. She drank the same disgusting brew that Leo favored, only with honey added. Raph started the kettle and pulled down one of Leo’s teacups for Tessa. She insisted on drinking out of them. He carefully measured loose tea into a steeper; Leo would only drink that, and Tessa drank whatever Leo drank. Raph didn’t care. He didn’t like tea, but he wished they drank something that was less of a pain in the ass to brew.

Leo was taking his time. Sort of. Usually he was out in five, a cup of coffee steaming in his hand, scowling down at it as he made his way quickly to the car. He was not a coffee person, not a stimulant type of guy in general. He didn’t like how jittery and out of sorts caffeine made him feel, but sometimes he had to have it. Whether tonight was going to be one of the times where he had to have it, he didn’t know.

Leo opened up the front closet and grabbed his gun holster, draping it over his shoulder. His phone had buzzed a total of twelve times since the first call. Jesus, could they do nothing without him? He watched as Raph carried Tessa into the kitchen for a cup of tea and wished he could have one. There’d be tea at work: that cheap black pekoe with the string attached to it. Ugh…

Raph turned, watching Leo strap on his holster. God, he hated this. Not just for the reasons that Leo thought, either. He knew that, a lot of the time, what Leo did wasn’t necessarily dangerous, but the potential was there.

And Raph wasn’t.

He hated that. It wasn’t that Leo was incapable. Raph knew he could take care of himself. Hold his own. But the idea of him in a dangerous situation without one of his brothers having his back would never, ever sit well with Raph.

He reached into the cabinet, hurrying now. He pulled out a clear tea tumbler, designed specifically for loose tea. Donnie had told him about it and Raph had ordered one off the internet. He’d meant for it to be a surprise, he didn’t know, sometime, and now seemed like a good time. He spooned tea into the opening, and poured hot water over it first. Tessa could wait a moment.

Once the tea and water was in, Raph screwed the lid tight and crossed the room to push the tumbler into Leo’s hand. “Be safe,” He murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips.

Leo leaned into the kiss, wrapping an arm around Raph’s neck to hold him there for just a little bit longer. He didn’t want to let go, but he had to. Eighteen calls now. Twenty and Jeane would actually come over and Raph would _not_ like that. He needed to go. Like yesterday.

With a sigh, Leo turned and made his way out of the house, cup clasped absently in his hand.

Raph watched Leo go, checking his phone again as he hoofed it to the car. Probably had another message from that stupid fucking partner of his. Not that Raph was _jealous_. He just didn’t like the little shit. He could take a short walk off a tall building for all Raph cared. He didn’t say that, but Leo knew. He had to.

He returned to the kitchen and made Tessa’s tea, stirring in a teaspoon of honey after he’d taken out the leaves. He handed her the cup, then sighed. He could feel it; this was going to be another sleepless night…

Leo didn’t really think about the cup till he was in the car and speeding toward the scene. His thoughts were in the kitchen, with his husband and his daughter, where he desperately wanted to be as well. But then … He took a sip from it, expecting strong, black coffee. Instead, a rush of delicate floral tea flooded over his tongue and poured warmly down his throat.

"Oh my god."

He silently thanked Raph for his wisdom once more and he was grinning like an idiot when he arrived on the scene.

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


**PART FOUR**

After he’d washed the cups, put fresh water in the kettle in preparation for their morning routine, and shuffled a bleary eyed Tessa back into her room, Raph flopped down onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. It felt colder in the room without Leo there, even though he knew it was all in his mind. They were both cold-blooded and snuggling up together didn’t _actually_ mean much, but it did to Raph. He gave an internal groan, lifting his hands up to press his palms into his eyelids; Jesus Christ, when had he become such a goddamn sap?

Rolling onto his plastron for comfort, Raph considered the problem that had been laid before them: what to do about G. He knew Leo would be thinking about it as well, probably wasn’t expecting Raph to brainstorm, but G was his son too and Raph felt like he understood G: a little bit better than Leo did, at least. There weren’t any regular high schools left in their district, and Raph knew how Leo felt about alternative school. That wasn’t an option. But, what did that leave for their options?

Home school. Leo worked all day, and Raph scoffed aloud at the idea of trying to teach G. It’d be an exercise in futility and frustration and he had too much shit to do already without worrying about teaching G how to factor equations of whatever it was that 14 year olds learned in public school. He’d never been to school, didn’t much care, and thus didn’t know. Don would be a better choice, but he worked at the precinct all day and engaged in questionable activities after-hours, ranging from illicit projects to copious amounts of illicit sex. Don loved his nephew, Raph knew, but he’d decline if they asked him to school G, Raph was sure.

So, what? Get a GED? G wasn’t smart enough to pass that exam. There was no malice in the thought; Raph wasn’t particularly educated either, and he didn’t put much stock in it. What did a test mean, anyway? G was a good kid, dedicated, loyal, and he’d proven himself capable through the hardships of his short life. High school diploma be damned; Raph was proud to call him his son.

His son…

The idea seemed so _obvious_ that Raph was almost embarrassed he hadn’t thought of it earlier. G was his son and Raph _could_ teach him. Would teach him. With the help, of course, of his own father. Raph grinned, deciding he’d talk to Leo and Master Splinter in the morning, but he felt sure they’d both be pleased, or at least on board, with the idea.

Instead of sending G back to high school, he’d stay home and learn the art of ninjutsu from Splinter and Raph. It’d be constructive, it’d keep him occupied, and (Raph was sure Leo would like this part), he’d be too tired most evenings to be contentious. Besides, a couple of months of being knocked around by Sensei’s walking stick might change his attitude and Splinter had experience in handling hot-headed, stubborn students. G was a mouthy little bastard, but he knew damn well not to disrespect his grandfather, lest he get smacks upside the head by every hand that could reach him.

Raph felt satisfied and proud of himself for the spark of genius. It was a good idea. It would work. God, he hoped it would work.

The problem sorted, Raph attempted to settle into sleep. He tossed and turned for a while, but finally gave up on the idea and ambled to his feet to clean something. He straightened up the bedroom, took out the tools, along with anything else that didn’t belong, and put into order what did. That done, he dropped back onto the bed and resumed peering at the ceiling. He imagined listening to a clock tick off the seconds but, of course, there were no ticking clocks in the house because the noise bothered Leo.

Heaving an overtly dramatic sigh, Raph rolled over and snatched his phone off the nightstand. It had been almost an hour since Leo had left, and Raph clearly wasn’t going to be able to sleep, as he’d predicted earlier. It was hard to text with fingers as big as his were, but Raph managed and he punched out a text, jamming down ‘send’ before he could rethink himself. He blamed the emotional day and his exhaustion. That was it.

Only a few miles away, Leo’s phone vibrated in his pocket just as he laid his hand on the handle of his office door. He fished it out to read whatever message he’d been sent. It was probably either Jeane or Raph at this time of night, though the prickle of anxiety rolled through him at the possibilities. It could be anyone in the family, really, informing him of some tragedy or emergency that Leo would need to know about. Tonight, mercifully, it was not that. No one had died, been maimed, or taken hostage, at least no one in his family.

'i miss ur body against mine,' the phone declared, and Leo pushed open the door as a huge, uncharacteristic grin spread over his face for the second time that day. He typed out a reply as he leaned back into his leather chair, it creaking under his weight.

'I miss it too.'

‘know when ur coming home?’

'Shouldn't be long now. Victim has been sent to Don. Just have the report. Maybe an hour or so. I hope. :c '

'Dunno if i can wait that long'

'I have a decent size couch in my office.' That was a stupid idea, he knew, but a nice sounding one.

'So, about earlier…' Leo smirked, wishing he could see the look on Raph's face at the message he was about to send him, 'I managed to get some gum if you want it.'

Back in the house, Raph stared at the phone, letting his head fall back into the pillows with a groan. Leo was never going to grow out of being a smug shit, but Raph found he didn’t mind as much as he used to. He typed a reply.

'Yeah? What i gotta do to get it?'

'Open your mouth.' Maybe he could convince Jeane to do the report somehow… So he could get back to the aforementioned mouth waiting for him at home.

Raph felt a little ridiculous that such a simple sentence could send fire shooting through him, but it did and there was no one around to laugh, so Raph let his hand drift down his plastron and fall between his legs. He touched his thighs and tail lazily as he fumbled to type one-handed.

'Okay. It's open. What now?'

That was a question for the ages. Leo chewed his lip for a second, thinking, a nervous tingle spreading from where his fingers touched the phone up through is arms and chest. He should say soap, but that would be mean. Not sexy.

'Find my bandana. It's under one of the pillows.' He didn't wear it anymore, but he'd never thrown it away. It felt wrong to discard. Even though he'd gone a long time without wearing it, he felt more naked without that than he did without actual clothes on.

Within their home, Raph blinked at the instruction. Huh. He hadn’t known the bandana was there. But, why would he? He never had to make Leo’s side of the bed, so he wouldn’t have noticed. His hand rummaged around under the pillows until he found it. For a moment, he just looked at it, running his fingers over the old fabric. Memories of another life washed over him, before human society, before children, before bills and jobs and getting arrested. They weren’t sad thoughts, necessarily, but not happy either. He wanted to say ‘I didn’t know you still had this’, but he didn’t want to drop the mood. He laid back down, wrapping the bandana around his hand.

'Found it. What now, fearless?'

What now, indeed. Leo didn’t want him to chew it but, at the same time, it thrilled him to think of Raph getting excitement just from touching something that belonged to him or from tasting something with his essence on it. He would never tell Raph the things he’d done with Raph’s belongings when he’d woken up in the night and found him gone, left with only Raph’s indent in the bed next to him and his spicy scent on the pillows. He was pretty sure Raph would find some of it at least a little bit offensive…

And funny. And he didn’t want to be laughed at. Not for that.

Leo leaned back in his chair, ran his tongue over his lips, and typed back, ‘Use your mouth. Get it wet.’

Raph rolled over to Leo’s side of the bed, too turned on to find the request abnormal. Leo had asked him for some truly bizarre things before; this was nothing by comparison to the time they’d fake-kidnapped each other or Leo had fucked him up the cloaca. Raph brought his bandana-wrapped hand to his mouth and shoved his fingers in. His eyes slid shut and, for a moment, he forgot about typing. The fingers in his mouth smelled like Leo. The nails of his other hand dug into his skin as his tail pounded loudly against the mattress.

It was almost five minutes later when he managed to pull himself together enough to text Leo, his face flushed, his body twisting against the bed. He was done with sensual. He was graduating to vulgar.

'God, leo, i wanna fuck u so bad. I want u moaning and sweating and screaming my name and sucking my cock'

This was not appropriate work conversation. Leo groaned when he read the message and shut his eyes tight, doubling over in the chair to let his forehead collide with the hard wood of the desk. That one message had his heart going a million miles a minute. He wanted to do that. To be there. Right now.

His muscles clenched and unclenched, an unconscious reflex as he tried to keep himself grounded — from looking too frazzled when he was around coworkers. He was sitting on his tail and it hurt. He was turned on by the obscene text messages and the memories of being on the bed with Raph, the days and days it had been since they’d touched each other, save for the interrupted blowjob earlier in the evening … it was physically painful and he couldn’t stand it anymore.

Jeane was going to have to do the report. It sickened him to think what he’d have to do to get him to agree, but somehow, some way… Leo was going home. He smashed down speed dial one, Raph’s picture and the name “Dark Prince” popping up on the screen as he raised the phone to his ear.

The call wasn’t expected and Raph blundered when the phone rang. Damn, he’d either have to pull his fingers out of his mouth or off his tail, and he didn’t want to do either. This probably wasn’t a call he could put on speaker, though, so after a few seconds of agonizing, he withdrew the slick digits from his mouth and answered the phone. He didn’t say hello and just let out a low moan.

"Leo…"

"I’m coming home. I’m on my way." That was all he said, all he made time to say before wrenching open his office door to search out Jeane.

Leo’s declaration surprised Raph and he blinked, and then smiled. This happened every now and again; Leo had excellent control and self-discipline and all of that, way more than Raph would ever have, but he always eventually broke down and gave in. It just took a long time and a lot of denial. And when he finally did …

"Hurry," was all he managed to say before Leo disconnected.

If he stayed on this bed, he was going to cum before Leo got home. Neither of them would be happy about that, and so Raph drug his hand away from his throbbing tail. He tossed his phone in the general direction of the nightstand and wrote Leo a hurriedly note. He didn’t bother making the bed before left the room, simply leaving the tangle of blankets and a tiny wet spot on Leo’s side as he made his way downstairs.

The basement was Raph’s favorite room. It served as both dojo and playroom, and Raph wished he got to spend more time down there. Donatello had been gracious enough to soundproof the door, seal off any cracks that would allow sound to drift out, and with the children’s rooms on the second floor they didn’t have to worry about noise carrying out of the room. Raph let himself in with his key; it was kept locked at all times. There were things down there that he knew Leo didn’t want to explain to their nine year old.

Leo’s bandana was still wrapped around his knuckles, but he unraveled it as he climbed down the stairs. Raph just wanted to fuck; he would be satisfied with that. But Leo… he didn’t have the same type of regular stress relief Raph did and, when he got like this, things could get extreme. Which was fine. Fuck, it was great.

He looked around the room, trying to consider what Leo would want. He thought about the day, thought about the fights. Listening. That’s what he decided Leo wanted. He hoped he was right. Raph took the bandana and tied it loosely around his throat, the ends trailing over his plastron. He leaned against the wall, panting lightly, his tail knocking against the wall, and waited.

=————————————————————————————————————=

Leo sped out of the precinct parking lot. He skidded around curves, shot through red lights, slamming his kojak light up onto his roof to get past stop signs and any other obstruction that would cause him to get home a minute later. There were some perks to being a cop. Being allowed to drive as crazily as you wanted, no questions asked, was one of them.

Once he entered their neighborhood, he started to feel the guilt… especially when he saw the florescent yellow school zone signs. He slowed, flipped off the light, and the seconds ticked by. Too long. It’d taken maybe 20 minutes from the moment he’d gotten off the call with Raph to skid the car into the driveway, overshooting and ending up with his front tires on the lush, green, manicured lawn that Leo put more time into caring for than he probably should have. He knew he’d regret it later, but he couldn’t care right now. The only thing he cared about was getting in the house and up the stairs, to where his husband would be waiting.

Raph.

Leo ran up the stairs, almost falling over himself to get to the bedroom. He opened the door, expecting to find the gloriously sexy image of Raph stripped and breathless, strong fingers wrapped around his glistening cock.

He found, instead, a note.

"Dammit! NO!"

Leo was irate, annoyed, and spent a good two minutes stalking around the room, searching for something non-valuable to break before he was able to calm enough to pick up the offending paper and read it.

'In the basement' was written in Raph's messily pointed scrawl.

The basement. Good choice. Smart choice. Had he not been so pissed off —so incredibly stressed and horny— he might have thought of it himself before speeding home. Leo made his way down the hall, struggling to get his shirt off, throwing it atop a lampshade in the living room in passing. The pants he was able to kick free of a little quicker and they slide across the smooth surface of the kitchen floor, wrapping around the legs of a chair, tipping it over to clatter on the tiles.

Fuck it. Fuck all of it. He’d clean it up later.

The door to the basement was open for him and Leo yanked it shut on his way down, eyes adjusting quickly to the darkness. The brown depths shot around, searching out Raph in the dim light. After a second, he saw him up against the wall, breathing uneven, eyes bright and excited, flashing in the darkness. Leo’s eyes drifted down and he saw his bandana wrapped snugly against Raph’s throat. Leo’s mouth curled into a wry smile; Raph was waiting for him, right in the position Leo wanted him in. Bless him. He could be so tactful sometimes. So understanding.

Leo crossed the room with quick, determined strides and reached out. He wound the loose ends of the blue bandanna tight around his hand, choking off a bit of Raph’s air, not enough to cause damage, but enough to make him uncomfortable, to eventually dim the corners of his vision and make him sway on his feet. He spun Raph around with his other hand, and brought his plastron flush against Raph’s shell, craning over his shoulder. It was made easier by Raph’s shorter stature and Leo nuzzled his husband, letting his warm breath tickle Raph’s neck as he whispered in his ear.

"I’m here. Thanks for the welcome."

Raph swallowed hard, trying to force the lump in his throat past the bandana tightening around his neck. He let out a raspy groan as Leo whirled him around, pushing his plastron against the cold bricks as Leo came up behind him. He nodded his head silently, tilting his hips back, and let his tail thump against Leo’s thigh. He loved Leo’s angry energy, loved how those carefully constructed walls could fall during emotional outbursts. And he really loved the manic, usually violent sex they had during those times.

Usually there would be foreplay, lots and lots of foreplay, because it was fun and it gave them time to do things to one another and to see things in each other’s eyes they didn’t normally get to see on a day to day basis. Tonight, however, Leo had run out of patience, completely, totally out, and Raph had never had much to begin with. Leo reached down with the hand he’d been using to pin Raph and grasped his tail, tugging on it hard, squeezing, pressing down on the tip.

Raph’s head tilted back and he gasped out a low, strangled moan. Why couldn’t they do this every night? His hands curled against the wall, wanting to turn, wanting to push against Leo, but he didn’t. Not now. Every touch was like a bolt of lightning and Raph trembled lightly. He bit down on his own lips as Leo’s hand moved to his tail, taking it firmly, jerking it, knowing exactly where to touch. Raph’s head fell forward and he pressed his forehead against the bricks as he gasped and twisted. His cock unsheathed, slipping wetly out of the widened slit, dropping into Leo’s hand as Raph made his lips bleed in an effort to keep his cries down. His breathing shifted his chest in ragged pants and he alternatively slumped against the wall and arched rigidly, pressing back against Leo.

"Yeah, that’s right," Leo growled, more to himself than to Raph, enjoying the picture in front of him. He loved having Raph melt like butter in his hands, twist and moan for him at flick of a wrist. He pulled the damp reins of the bandanna, grasping Raph’s cock around the sensitive tip. He gave it a firm squeeze then pulled back his hands, the center of his palm wet with pre-cum. Fuck, Raph thought dimly, he should get arrested more often.

Feeling a little cruel, Leo brought his index finger back behind his thumb and released, sharply thumping Raph’s dribbling cock head. Raph let out a small scream and his body shook as Leo thumped him, and it feels like punishment for his earlier thought. For perhaps the millionth time in their lives, Raph wondered if Leo could actually read minds and never told anyone.

It didn’t hurt, exactly. It would, under different circumstances, but nothing could hurt Raph when he was like this, flush against Leo, body electric. His scream turned into a moan and this time he _did_ turn, wanting more, wanting to dig his nails into Leo and pull him close.

"No." Leo lowered his face, expression deadly serious, eyes smoldering darkly in contrast to the pale green face. He twirled his finger.

"Turn around,” Leo commanded in a measured, even tone, despite how he was feeling, despite how easy it was to tell by the rest of him how badly he needed the contact Raph wanted to give. Goosebumps raised on his skin—a result of the air from the vent above his head. He was shaking, muscles trembling lightly under his skin. He reached out and shoved Raph up against the wall, forcing him to hinge at the hip, yanking the blue cloth around his neck tighter.

Raph clenched his fangs, making himself stop and listen to what Leo told him to do. He grunted as Leo shoved him roughly against the wall, a small dribble of blood running down his chin from the holes he was chewing in his lips. Raph flicked his tongue out and drew the drops into his mouth.

"I hope you planned ahead and you’re ready,” Leo murmured, tapping his fingers over the back of Raph’s shell, running his palm appreciatively down it to cup his rear, “If not… I’m sorry and I love you but I can’t, Raph. I just can’t."

Raph didn’t plan ahead. But that was alright. His head was swimming as Leo pulled the bandana taut, cutting off most of his air. His hands scrabbled along the wall, trying to find something to grip, something to clench his fists around, but there was nothing, and then Leo’s words were on his ears, and Raph moaned and canted his hips back, blood beating in his ears.

"Love you," was all Raph managed to say in reply.

Gripping Raph by the top of his shell, Leo dropped his hips just a bit and guided his straining erection to Raph’s entrance, running the slick head over the tight ring of muscle, and then pushed in. Leo rocked into him, and Raph cried ot loudly, the noise echoing around the basement, reverberating sweetly in Leo’s ears. It was a half wail of pain, but primarily filled with choked pleasure.

Leo’s eyes rolled back and his nails scraped along Raph’s shell. So good; it had been _too_ long. He responded to Raphael’s thrusts with equal enthusiasm, not holding back with words or actions. He was not usually the most vocal when it was him on top; he reserved the things he wanted to say for later, choosing instead to listen to Raph. Leo derived great pleasure from watching his mate, hearing Raph moan his name and beg.

This time, he was right there with Raph, saying everything: Every dirty, hideously vulgar thing that comes to his mind, enjoying a little more than he wanted to admit his brother’s struggle to find purchase on the wall.

Raph’s eyes snapped open at the stream of obscenities pouring out of Leo’s mouth. That was unusual, but jesus fuck, was it hot. Hearing Leo growl out all the things he loved about Raph’s body, about fucking him, feeling his nails scratch down the plated scutes of his carapace as Leo pounded him against the bricks was too much for Raph. He shook and gave incomprehensible screams, ‘fuck me, love you, gonna cum,’ a variation of the same few things over and over as the sensations rolled through his body and, true to his word, he came with a wail, body convulsing against Leo, tensing and holding for a long moment before sagging bonelessly against the wall, too tired, too spent, to do anything else. His vision was darkening, he felt like he might pass out, but he couldn’t find the energy to say anything about it.

It took Leo a little longer than Raph, but not by much and soon he was seeing shooting stars. Raph’s reactions to him were beautiful, his screams, his moans of pleasure, the way he opened and closed his eyes over and over again, looking back over his shoulder at Leo through half-lidded pools of molten gold. Gorgeous. That’s what got him off. He jerked the bandana as taut as it would go around Raph’s neck when he came, thrusting hard with everything he had one last time before stopping, his hand numb from having held onto the makeshift leash so tightly.

The momentary high sluggishly faded, now that he’d had his release, and Leo felt the full weight of all those hours, the lack of sleep, the stress of the day, Raph’s arrest, the argument with G, crash over him. He released the fronds of the bandana and pulled Raph to him. Leo gave a wide yawn and laid them down on the floor, not caring about the fact it was cold… and stone. He was happy, deliriously so, and very tired.

"I love you. So much."

Raph sunk to his knees as Leo pulled out and released the bandana, oxygen flooding his brain. He was only dimly aware of Leo moving behind him. Raph obeyed silently when Leo’s hands gently turned him, drew him close. He cuddled against Leo, pushing his face into Leo’s neck, nuzzling, kissing over the damp skin with gentle, appreciative lips. There was no shame now, no embarrassment, no wounded pride. All and all, that had mostly passed for them, and Raph kissed Leo again.

"Love you, you sexy fucker. Go to sleep."

"Mmm…" Leo wrapped his arms haphazardly around Raph’s neck and tried leaning in to kiss him back, but the exhaustion was too much and he dozed off mid-execution. Raph gazed across the floor at Leo with a soft expression as he dropped into sleep.

He stayed still for a while, gathering his strength, catching his breath. Once he was sure Leo was out cold, Raph crawled out of the confines of Leo’s arms and got to his feet. Leo didn’t stir, didn’t even flutter his eyes, though Raph was sure Leo was dimly aware of the fact that Raph had moved in the recesses of his consciousness.

Raph bent down and gripped Leo, easily lifting him up onto his shell. He hoped neither of their kids were out of their room for a drink of water or who knew what. Seeing their parents “naked” happened every so often, but they tried not to make a habit of it. He carried Leo up the stairs and locked the basement door behind him, chuckling as he followed the path from basement to bedroom, seeing the trail of destruction Leo had left. Man, he had needed it _bad_.

Raph stepped into his sweatpants after depositing Leo on the bed. He considered taking the bandana off his neck, but… he didn’t. Not yet. He would in the morning, which was only a few hours away, and then Leo would be getting up for work and Raph would have to make breakfast for Tessa and take her to school and then try to work out G’s training.

With a sigh, Raph let himself out of the room to clean up Leo’s clothes. It didn’t take long. It’d been a long time since he’d trained, other than the Sunday sessions with Leo, and he wondered if training with G and Sensei would kick his ass, too…

Once the house was in order, Raph went back to the bedroom and crawled into Leo’s arms, falling asleep almost instantly, savoring the hours they _did_ have to just lie next to one another and sleep.

  


  



	8. I'll Take Care of You

It’s somewhere between the second and third day. There are no windows in the basement, no light at all except for the eerie glow cast by dozens of candles burning around the dirty mattress upon which Raphael had been tied, surrounding him like an idol to be worshiped or sacrificed, or possibly both.

 

The lack of light, lack of access to sky didn’t necessarily make it difficult for Raph to tell time. He’d grown up underground, lived there most of his life. But the constant weaving of consciousness had disrupted his internal rhythm and he just wasn’t sure how long he’d been here, how long it had been since Slash had stalked him, worn him down, knocked him out, and drug his sorry ass here. Wherever here was; he wasn’t sure. It smelled of age and disuse, mold and filth and Raph’s nose wrinkled. The dried sugar of the soda that had been forced down his throat a few hours earlier crinkled stickily on his beak.

 

“Hey, you’re awake!”

 

He just stared, eyes wide and disbelieving at Slash and his happy, eager expression. The one that said the hard part was over; Raphael was here, and now it was just a matter of solving the puzzle, trying different solutions, turning Raph this way and that until he found the right combination of pleasure and pain to make him want to stay. Here. With Slash.

 

Silence was something Slash could achieve, Raph knew. He’d snuck up on him, on his brothers, more than once. But he did not choose to showcase that particular skill and he lumbered across the room, coming to sit heavily on the bare mattress where Raph had been laying for the last two days. He smiled down at him, a grotesque half turn of his lips that made Raph want to simultaneously retch and scrub all of the skin off his face.

 

“Let me take care of you.”

 

He’d said this several times already, when he tried to feed Raph or give him something to drink, place a tattered blanket over him as though that would shield him from the December cold and the frozen ground they were under. He’d said it when he’d tried to convince Raph to piss in the bucket he kept in the corner, not willing to let his charge off the bed, not trusting him to not bolt. Which Raph would have, and he’d held it in as long as he could until finally, eyes prickling with tears of humiliation, he’d had to eliminate into the bucket Slash held out for him or piss all over himself on the bed.

 

This was a different sort of care, though, and Raph jerked as he felt Slash run a clawed finger up the length of his tail. It was defenseless, helplessly exposed between his splayed legs, his ankles tied by cold, thick chains running under the length of the bed, trapping him with his own weight and strength.

 

“Slash, no! I don’t – I don’t want ya to. Don’t need ya to take care of _that._ ”

There was a deep chuckle in response succeeded by an almost childlike giggle that set Raph’s teeth on edge.

 

“Sure you do, Raphael. I lived with you, remember? I’ve seen you. I know you. I know how much you need it. How much you want it. It’s been four days. That’s a long time for you. Let me take care of it. Don’t worry about a thing.”

 

There was no point in arguing. Protesting, pointing out how utterly fucked up Slash’s insane logic was, how he didn’t get to use the information he’d garnered from stalking him and his family to get between Raph’s legs. It wouldn’t get him anywhere. Slash would still have him tied to that disgusting mattress, running his dirty, jagged nails up and down his cloaca, dipping his fingers into the unwilling slit, making Raph squirm and gasp and twitch like a powerless plaything. It wouldn’t make a difference.

 

Raph screamed anyway. Protested anyway. Howled and raged and bucked his body against the chains, swore and spit and snapped his teeth at nothing in particular. Slash regarded him, his eyes growing larger and bewildered as Raph continued to thrash and hiss like a child in the throws of a tantrum. Finally, Slash reached out and clamped a large, strong hand around Raph’s throat and squeezed.

 

His breath was hot and foul, gusting across Raph’s face as Slash bent down, speaking to him in a low snarl.

 

“Come on, Raphael. You like it when _he_ does this to you. Chokes you. I can do it too. I can do the things you want, you like, better than he can. Let me. Let me take care of you, Raphael.”

 

His vision danced in spots, golden eyes hazy, and Raph passed out as Slash’s hand choked him harder, crushing his neck down into the bed.

 

 

It was minutes, hours, days? when Raph’s eyes fluttered open and he groaned against the pain radiating from every part of his body he could still feel.

 

“Hey, partner. You’re awake!”

 

Oh god. It was like nothing had happened at all. Like 10 years hadn’t passed since Slash had been mutated, like he hadn’t knocked out and abducted Raphael, like he hadn’t spent the last two or three days torturing him. He spoke as though it was only minutes ago that he’d geared up to be the perfect crime fighting duo with his best friend, his partner, his care taker. But it hadn’t been minutes. It had been years. Years and years of life and Raph had moved on, had a family, had a husband, but Slash? Raph didn’t know what he had, but he knew that he didn’t want to be any part of it.

 

But he was a part of it. A central part of it, tied to a bed and surrounded by candles and Slash’s gleaming eyes and crooning voice.

 

“I was thinkin, and maybe that wasn’t the best way. You’re nervous. I get that. This is new. You need something more familiar. Just until you’re comfortable. I can do that. I can take care of you.”

Raph’s eyes squeezed shut. Jesus fucking christ, what now? Slash had choked him more than once in more than one way, scratched all up and down his body, tore little strips of his skin off idly as he spoke to him, bit him, jabbed his nails up into the insteps of Raph’s feet to cripple him, should he manage to get loose, dug his nails around in his cloaca, trying to get him to piss, later trying to get him to unsheathe so Slash could “take care of him.” Whatever the fuck was coming now, Raph wanted to just go ahead and pass out and save himself the trouble and the trauma.

 

What a surprise, though, that luck was not on the side of Hamato Raphael. It never fucking was, he thought bitterly as Slash sat on the bed once more, leaning over him.

 

“It’s okay, Raph. I’ve got you.”

 

Raphael’s body stopped. It just stopped. His breathing, his heart, his eyes open wide and unblinking, blood chilled to a glacial pace in his veins as he stared at Slash with absolute horror.

 

His voice. Coming out of Slash’s face, out of his demented expression of pleasure, was Leo’s voice. Leonardo’s. His brother’s. His husband, his mate. Raph thought he might be sick, if he could ever start breathing again.

 

“It’s okay, Raph. Just relax.”

 

No. Jesus christ, no. Raph squeezed his eyes shut as Slash’s hand came to his tail again, this time not jabbing his claws into it, trying to force him to get hard, to unsheathe. His hands cupped him gently, running his fingers tenderly over the sensitive flesh in little circles. Raph’s thighs twitched and a shiver raced up his body.

 

“That’s it, Raph.”

Stop it.

 

“Come on, Raphie baby.”

I hate you.

 

“Let me take care of you, babe. My prince. My dark prince.”

I’m going to be sick. I’m literally going to vomit.

 

And he did, turning his head to the side to heave, the watery, yellow bile coating over his arm, dribbling down his chin. Slash kept rubbing him but was silent, regarding Raphael with dull, confused eyes. He didn’t understand why this wasn’t working. What else could he do? He’d done everything. Fed him, kept him warm. Tried to take care of him. There was something he was missing. Something he wasn’t doing right. There had to be.

 

"It’s okay, Raphael."

 

Raph shut his eyes tighter, scrunching up his face with disgust. Jesus fucking christ. His chest hitched and a small, horrified sob escaped him before he could quell it. One hand left his tail, coming up to gently brush away the tears beading at the corners of Raphael’s closed eyes.

 

"You’re okay. Just stay here. Everything’s going to be fine. I’m going to take care of you."

 


	9. Patience

It had been three months, three long, agonizing, excruciating months since he and Raphael had come home from Donatello's medical lab. They'd stayed there for a week after The Incident, which had somehow become what they collectively referred to it as. Much better than saying when Slash snatched Raph up like a monster from a horror picture, imprisoned and tortured him for days, smashed an indent and long, thick spiderwebs of cracks into his shell, burned a line down his thigh in an attempt to brand him, and who knows what the fuck else, before his family had found him. Much better than saying when Leo had taken that morning star and stuck it into the wood stove to heat, then burned and scalded and destroyed Slash's shell in vicious retribution, much better than saying when he'd taken a tanto and sliced the tongue, the one that imitated his own, used that voice to torment Raph, out of Slash's demented face, left him choking and drowning in a puddle of his own blood, left him to die in that filthy house without a shred of remorse or a glance back.

 

Getting Raphael out and home had been easy. Slash was not smart; he had not laid plans. He had simply decided he wanted Raph and plucked him from somewhere. It had been ludicrously easy for Leonardo and his brothers to find the house, to kill Slash, so much so that Leo felt angry and embarrassed that he had allowed Raph to be taken in the first place. There were signs, warnings, things that should have tipped him off. The condensation on the basement window he'd written off as just a consequence of the difference of temperature in the house and outside. The rustling in the bushes he'd assumed to be cats or a raccoon. 'No one follows us around like that.' He'd thought, 'The Foot's gone... Purple Dragons don't stalk.'

 

He had been stupid. So fucking stupid.

 

Once Raph was home, once Don had removed the bandages holding his busted shell together, the easy part was over. Raphael was a nightmare when he was severely injured, always had been. Everything had been easier when he couldn't walk, couldn't get up by himself. Now he could, even though he shouldn't, and Leo found him constantly doing things he shouldn't be doing, straining himself, exerting himself, frightening the children and ripping his stitches. It was enough to make him want to tie Raph to the mattress himself but, of course, he wouldn't do that. Couldn't.

 

It hadn't happened all at once. The first week, in Don's lab, Raph hadn't wanted to be out of the embrace of his brothers at all and they, after the scare of almost losing him, had been happy to indulge. More nights than not they had all slept on the futon together, each brother finding a way to place a hand on or wrap an arm around Raphael. Even after they'd come home, Raph hadn't pulled away at first. He'd kissed Leo, slept interwoven with his body, let Leo help him walk, bathe, go the the bathroom.

 

No, Raph's withdrawal had been gradual, not abrupt at all like the emotions Leo was used to witnessing with his hotheaded little brother. Leo would reach for his hand and Raph would freeze, stare at him wide eyed. Confusion and confliction wavered in those golden depths, but he'd take Leo's hand forcefully, as though punishing himself for his hesitation. But, after a few weeks, the confusion beat out the determination. After three months, Raph literally backed away if Leo came too close. Shuddered at the sound of his voice. Cried angry, bitter tears with his face shoved into his pillow at night, as though Leo couldn't hear him, couldn't feel him shaking with heavy, choking breaths.

 

Raph's emotions were hurricanes, natural disasters, and Leo never knew if they were in the eye or the storm, or when the tides might change again. Raph would kiss him one moment, hesitantly touch him the next, and skitter away like a battered and abused animal the next. Leo had never felt so helpless in his entire life.

 

Intimacy was a memory. He had to be careful not to speak unless he was in Raph's line of sight. Phone calls were a thing of the past; Raph refused to answer his tPhone, no matter what the situation, and Leo had stopped trying. Things as simple as brushing shoulders when they passed each other in the hall, wound around each other's bodies in the kitchen, a kiss goodbye when Leo left in the morning, showering together, scrubbing Raph's shell with their hard-bristled brush, were all gone. Didn't happen. Raph barely looked at Leo, much less touched him. Raph slept with a body's length between them, cracked shell staring Leo in the face, taunting him.

 

This is your fault. You should have protected him.

 

Waiting was never a problem for Leo. He could go much longer without sex than Raph ever willingly would, but that wasn't the issue. It wasn't what this was about. He _missed_ Raph. His husband was right there, an arm's length away across their bed, but he wasn't. He wasn't there at all.

 

He stared at Raph. He couldn't help it. He was always looking at him now. Every part of him. His eyes. His lips. His hands. His clothes, the way they looked on him. He had counted how many times in a minute he blinked. He knew how many times in a night he turned over. Not being able to touch him made the observation a necessary thing, the scrutiny a powerful, inherent need.

 

He wanted to reach out, lay his hands flat against those horrible scars on Raph's shell. Just touch him. Feel the solid weight against him and know that Raph was still there . Was still with him. He wanted to turn his body gently, press Raph's beak against his neck and rub his neck as he cried out all of his pain and grief. Leo would take it. All of it, gladly, if it gave Raph some relief. He couldn't, however. He had to wait, always had to wait now, for Raph to make a move. That wasn't so different, really, but Raph had never hesitated like this. Never withdrawn so completely. Leo was left waiting, holding onto the patience he'd carefully cultivated over years, for something that he wasn't sure was ever going to happen.

 

Even now, after all they'd experienced in their lives together, Raph surprised him at times and Leo's breath caught as his husband stirred on the bed, fidgeting, punching his pillow and, slowly, carefully, turned over to face Leo.

 

“Hey. You awake?”

 

“Yes.” The response was too quick, too eager, but Leo couldn't help it. He observed Raph worrying his body though the darkness, watched the way he chewed his lip, twisted his weight, saw the fear and resolution battling for dominance across his face. Leo couldn't breathe as he watched, transfixed, his inside shaking uncomfortably.

 

“C'mere.” A pause, a second's hesitation. “It's okay. I'm okay. Get the hell over here.”

 

He shouldn't. He knew that he shouldn't, but in his desperate, frenzied mind, Leo took Raph at his word that it was fine. That it was really okay, because Raph told him it was, and because Leo just wanted it too much to refuse. Raph fit in his arms as well as he always had, and Leo cradled him, appreciating this valuable thing that Raph was giving him, the trust, the effort he was putting into everything. It wasn't easy for Leo, but it couldn't be easy for Raphael either.

 

Raph kissed him first, and Leo's breath released with a sigh. Raph's lips were soft and fluttering over his throat, his shoulders, the underside of his jaw. Leo's skin was cool and salty, tasted just the way it always had, and Raphael tried to find an anchor in that. He tried to breathe Leo in, smell the familiar fragrance of tea and incense, the slide of thick skin under his fingers, take assurance and comfort in the body beside him, holding him the same way Leo held his breath, carefully, patiently.

 

Their bodies moved together the same way they always had, with an added tenderness that only touched their interactions in the most delicate moments. Leo kissed over Raph's face, his cheeks, his forehead, his temple, rocked up into him with a slow and gentle pace and found pleasure in the soft gasps and whines falling from Raph's mouth, the way his eyes stayed open, boring into Leo. Raph's hand held onto his neck, pressing their foreheads together, their mouth ghosting over one another's, their eyes close yet never closing.

 

The tremble was so weak that Leo didn't notice it for the first few seconds. The subtle rattle of his limbs, the slight hitch of his breath, signaling the panicked pant that could start up at any time. Leo kissed him more, slowed his body to a milder pressure, determined to stave off the threatening anxiety, to keep Raph unagitated and secure and, most importantly, there with him.

 

“Shh,” He whispered, kissing Raph's temple softly, “It's okay, Raph.”

 

The response was instantaneous and unexpected and bewildering. He pulled back hastily, avoiding swinging fists, unaware of why he suddenly had an arm full of screaming, thrashing Raphael. Raph's eyes were wide, the pupils blown, and he snarled and shoved at Leo.

 

“Don't--!! S-stop! Get the hell offa me! Don't fuckin touch me!”

 

There was a scuffle of limbs as Leo scrabbled to comply, tilting his hips back as gently as he could, pulling his quickly fading erection out of Raphael's body so he could scoot away, give him room, space, and try not to get smacked in the face. There wasn't much risk; as soon as Leo was out of Raph and away from him, his little brother was on his feet, screaming, pacing, kicking the laundry pile and pushing over their nightstand. Leo watched, silently, as Raph poured his fury out onto the room. He'd never liked that mirror anyway. The lamp could be replaced.

 

What couldn't be replaced was Raphael, and Leo didn't know how to help him now. How to support him. He should have protected him. He should have kept this from ever happening, but he hadn't, and now he was left trying to pick up broken pieces that scorched and cut his hands.

 

Leo waited until the rage ended, the throws, the screams, until Raph was just standing in the middle of the room with balled fists and stormy eyes, to give a reaction.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”

 

“No.”

 

“I'm sorry, Raph.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Please come back to bed.”

 

Silence. A beat of it, and then it stretched on and Raph's head lifted and the expression he held was so helpless that Leo thought his heart might break. But he said nothing. Did nothing. He waited. He'd wait as long as he needed to. Forever, if he had to.

 

Raph walked as though in a fog and dropped back onto the bed, shell once again facing Leo. That was alright. At least he was here. He hadn't left. Leo laid back into the bed in silence, wanting to touch Raph, to kiss him, to tell him he loved him, and good night.

 

Instead, he waited.

 

 


	10. Still Waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hamato family struggles with the lasting impacts of Raph’s abduction. At Don's prompting, the brothers and Mikey's husband, Woody, take a much needed vacation to Hawai'i. Can the romantic getaway restore balance and order to a broken family?  
> March 2012

Raphael wasn’t sure whose idea it had been to go on a cruise. Maybe all of them had gotten together and talked about it, talking about him and his behavior and what they could do to change it. He was alternatively touched and indignant that they seemed to think he shouldn’t be included in these conversations.  
It was Mikey who brought it up first. Their relationship was nearly as close as it had been when they were teenagers, as Mikey had taken up the role of live-in assistant and nurse for the first couple of months of Raph’s recovery. He’d done a lot: helped take care of the children, the house, and Raph himself. It was embarrassing as hell to let his little brother heft him around, assist him waddle up and down the stairs, and even help him go to the bathroom, but at least it wasn’t Leo. Somehow, it would have been ultimately more mortifying if it was Leo. Leo hadn’t gone back to work for a long time but, eventually, he had to. While their brother was gone, Mikey spent long hours on the bed with Raph, playing cards, arm wrestling, telling him wild and ridiculous stories, feeding him pizza, and occasionally, when he got really grumpy, holding him down and showering him with kisses until Raph was forced to laugh and smile.  
Mikey had been home for weeks now, and Raph was able to do most of the things he had done before. He could walk, he could ride, he could even work out. His physical restraints were few.  
The same couldn’t be said for his emotional well being. He refused to talk on the phone. The basement had not been entered since he came home. Even his cooking had changed, as he subconsciously avoided the stove top because of the way the burners glowed when they got hot.  
Then there was Leo. He had kissed Leo only a handful of times in the last six months. They’d had sex once, and it’d been a disaster. He hated it but he couldn’t help it, and he hated himself more for not being able to help it. He knew Leo had to hate it too, but he hadn’t really mentioned it much. It almost made Raph feel worse.  
It wasn’t a surprise when Mikey showed up one evening before Leo had come home, pizza in hand, and told him about his idea for a week-long Hawaiian cruise. Think of it! A chance to get out of the house, away from all responsibility, away from New York and memories that Raph didn’t want to have. He’d been unsure at first, but Mikey’s cheerful insistence wore him down and Raph had begrudgingly consented to the trip.  
And here they were. They’d set sail a few hours ago. Leo was in the gift shop with Woody and Mikey, watching them run around and touch everything. They put on the hats and hideous island shirts and shook the stupid little tropical snow globes.  
Reaching down, Leo plucked up a yellow box with a picture of a stout peg-legged pirate feeding a parrot on his shoulder. ‘Tortuga Caribbean Rum Cake’ it read, but Leo knew that already. He’d eaten a few boxes of the cake since they’d set sail. Frowning, he set the box back down. Mikey and Woody’s chortling and cajoling was grating on his nerves.  
“Hey babe, you think I’d look sexy with a mustache?” Mikey asked, stroking his face and Woody  
laughed, wrapping his long, willowy arms around the chubby turtle. Leo snatched the box back up and marched to the counter and paid. Nodding at Mikey’s questioning calls as he headed out, Leo shoved the yellow morsel of cake down his throat.  
“I need some fresh air.” He needed to get about from Mikey and Woody before he killed himself.  
Exiting the shop, Leo couldn’t get away from the laughter and smiling fast enough. Everything on the ship made him irritated. There were a million hallways and everywhere he turned there were tons and tons of happy fucking people.  
Happy people were the last type of people he wanted to be around. Though he wanted to be alone, a turn and a few stairs led him to Raph, alone on the deck as he stared out over the water at the receding shoreline. Leo chewed his lip as he stared at the scuffed and cracked surface of his husband’s carapace.  
Leo was awkward. He always had been. “Hey,” he said, coming up beside Raph with loud, deliberate steps to gaze into the darkly glittering water. “I’m hungry. Wanna get some dinner? It’s Italian tonight.”  
For a long time, Raph didn’t turn away from the ocean, but when he did, a small smirk caught on his lips. “Looks like you already ate,” he teased, reaching out to brush the crumbs from the corners of Leo’s mouth reflexively. He froze after that, as he often did with physical contact, and turned his face away, refusing to meet Leo’s eyes. His hand fell to his side and the silence returned, deafening over the roll of the sea. Leo expected the freeze-up, for Raph to look away anytime they touched, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  
Keeping his face neutral, Leo tried to coax Raph to the dining area. Perhaps, Leo thought, it would be better if he made an effort to seem happier, but he just couldn’t fake it. And so, he did what he did know how to do and held his feelings inside. “We can see what they are serving in the other rooms if you aren’t feeling Italian,” he said, and when Raph finally shrugged his shoulders Leo seized the opportunity.  
Dinner was awkward and painful. Mikey and Woody joined, hanging over each other and making Leo want to vomit. Donatello was more reserved, giving Leo and Raph apologetic looks every now and then when Mikey or Woody were particularly rambunctious. When it was over, Raph went off on his own again to the deck and Leo skulked forlornly back down to their cabin to lament.  
The sun went down and it grew cold as the night air blew over the ocean. Raph never been on the sea like this before. Leo had. Leo had traveled on ships for training missions. As Raph stood against a rail again after dinner, looking into the black water, feeling the wind whip around him, he imagined what those trainings had been like. Alone, hiding somewhere on a ship for days, weeks, whatever. Leo had never talked about it. Not talking about things was something they were both skilled at.  
He could feel the chill creeping into him, more so than it would effect the humans on-board, but he didn’t leave the deck. He looked at the stars, the dark waves, and just let himself be cold. He didn’t want to go to the suite he shared with Leo. It was too closed in, too intimate. He took another drink of the beer he’d brought from the dining hall and sighed, hanging his head. He was a fucking mess.  
Below deck, the room was lonely. The bathroom was small, the shower only big enough for one person. Then there was the bed. Nothing special about it, save from the little folded towel turtles they’d found upon entering. There was a mini fridge, full to bursting now with beer and cakes. Leo hadn’t even really looked when they’d come in and sat their bags down. He’d been too busy  
looking at Raph. He was always looking at him now. Every part of him. His eyes. His lips. His hands. His clothes, they way they looked on him. He had counted how many times in a minute he blinked. He knew how many times in a night he turned over.  
Sitting on the bed, Leo looked around at the small, empty room and ate another rum cake. The first had been good, so he’d bought more. Raph was outside, alone on deck. Leo ate another cake. He didn’t drink. He didn’t have anything to help him loosen up, other than meditation and candles weren’t allowed on the ship. He hadn’t brought any of his tapes. Even if he had, he didn’t want to meditate. He wanted Raph.  
Sighing, Leo took another cake out of the fridge and carried himself onto the deck where Raph was. Coping mechanism in hand, he sat behind his husband, slinking into a deck chair to stare at Raph’s shell. It would have to do.  
“I didn’t like sailing the first time I did it,” Leo said, unsure of how else to break the ice that had materialized between them.  
Raph heard Leo’s quiet, purposeful steps, and he heard him eating. He listened to Leo sit without turning, heard him speak. He didn’t bristle, didn’t jerk, didn’t give any reaction at all.  
Yeah?” He acknowledged, drawing his head up from where it had been hanging against his chest to look at the stars again. He did like the open sky. The air. The expanse open around him; he had hated living underground.“Do you like it now?”  
“Not having to hide is definitely a plus. Having a bed and food I don’t have steal helps too. But… no, not particularly.”  
The cruise ship wasn’t like others he’d been on. It stayed lit up all night long. That wasn’t the case with the others he’d been on. The ocean and sky become almost one when the sun finally dropped off on the horizon. “Also,” Leo said, shivering lightly, “it’s cold.”  
“You don’t have to stay out here.” It wasn’t the nicest thing to say, he knew. Raph swallowed hard, then took another drink. He’d talked with Mikey earlier. He’d found him on the deck after dinner. It wasn’t hard to do. He’d been pretty much in the same spot since they’d gotten on this boat. Mikey had prodded him gently, reminded him why they were here, challenged him to try a bit harder.  
Fuck Mikey. He was trying. He didn’t know why this was happening. He knew, but he didn’t. Why did he tense when Tessa hugged him? Why couldn’t he spar with G anymore? Why couldn’t he kiss his fucking husband? Raph didn’t know. He didn’t understand. But, he’d promised Mikey that he would try harder. Mikey was the only person he’d tried to work through the knots in his emotions with.  
He finished his beer and turned, tossing it to land in a trash can. “I guess I don’t have to either.”  
“We don’t have to go in. If you don’t want to. We can take a walk around the ship. I brought our jackets. I figured we’d need them.”  
Raph smiled, just a ghost of a tug at his lips. “Yeah. Thanks.” Reaching out, Raph took the jacket Leo offered and shrugged into it. The leather had warmed from being inside, and he zipped it up and stuck his hands into the pockets. It felt comforting. Secure. “It’s nice, though.” He said, waiting for Leo to get to his feet. “The stars. They don’t look like this at home.”  
“Yeah,” Leo agreed as he buttoned into his navy pea coat and stood, hastily stuffing the cake box into his pocket before pulling his collar up to stave off the blowing wind. “They seem a lot closer  
out here. Um, much brighter.”  
Raph didn’t reply. He just wanted to walk, to look at the water, at the stars, see where the pools were. The ocean was to Raph’s right, Leo on his left, and Raph turned his head away, looking anywhere but at Leo. With awkward uncertainty, he took his hands out of his pockets and then shoved them back in repeatedly. The mixture of hesitation and aggression in Raph’s motions were bizarre and disjointed and Raph grit his teeth under his lips, trying his best to ignore the burning scrutiny from his left.  
Without pulling his eyes from the water or the myriad of stars in the sky, Raph’s hand slipped out of his jacket once more and he held it out towards Leo. Leo put his hand out to receive him, but when their fingertips brushed, Raph seized up and let his hand fall away. A few minutes passed before Raph took a deep breath and reached again. This time he intertwined their fingers with forceful determination, regardless of the anxiety prickling inside of him. He was an adult. He was strong. He could hold his husband’s goddamn hand! Raph refused to let go.  
“Leo,” Raph murmured gruffly, “you know I’m trying, right?”  
“I know,” Leo replied softly, nodding as he stared down at the mottled green hand in his, grateful for the touch he’d been given.  
"I think I’m starting to hate myself,” Raph whispered. He immediately felt stupid for admitting it.  
Though Leo was not now, nor had never been, an emotive person, the confession drew his brow ridge together and twisted his lips. No. Raph shouldn’t say that. He couldn’t hate himself; he was wonderful. Everything about him was wonderful. Didn’t he know how much Leo loved him? That was what Leo thought, but he didn’t say it. It felt like too much inside of his head, and he knew it would be too much if he let it escape his mouth. “There’s nothing about you that you should hate, Raph.”  
Raph looked at Leo for a moment, taking in the set of jaw, the slight downturn of his lips pulled thin, his eyes, which were staring at him. Leo looked fucking miserable. Not obviously so, not the way Raph did. He didn’t hunch his shoulders in and grimace or bristle or snarl. But Raph could see it as plain as if he did.  
"I’m cold,” Raph said after they’d walked past the steam of the hot tub. He didn’t want to get in it, just because he didn’t want to have to walk back to their room wet. It was late, anyway. Not late by their teenage standards, maybe, but their lives were different now. At least, they were supposed to be. "Let’s go to bed.”  
“Okay,” Leo said, running his thumb along the surface of Raph’s hand. It took less time getting in than it did coming out, but all the way back, Leo stared. He stared when Raph let go of his hand, watched that same hand descend shakily into his pocket to produce the key to their room and unlock the door.  
It was wrong to stare and it probably bothered Raph, but he couldn’t help it. Doffing his coat, Leo opened the mini fridge and took out another cake while Raph busied himself getting ready for bed. Raph cranked on the heat before stripping out of his clothes. Holding Leo’s hand had been juvenile but nice, once he’d pushed through his stupid fucking feelings. As he brushed his teeth, he made lists in his head, like an idiot. Daily goal: touch your husband without having a meltdown.  
When Raph came out of the small bathroom and laid on the bed, Leo was eating. Raph had caught a glimpse of the fridge earlier; it looked like Leo was going to be consuming a lot of cake. After a moment, Leo brushed the crumbs from himself and slipped into bed next to Raph, facing  
the wall. It would’ve been nice if they’d gotten a room with a window …  
For a long time, Raph laid awake listening to the waves against the boat and Leo’s even breathing. The room made him uncomfortable. It was too small and there were no windows. Too closed in. Too dark. Too much like … no. No, he was not going to think about that. He refused to think about that. Instead, he tried to occupy himself by observing the room, but there was nothing interesting in it. There was nothing to occupy his attention and after an hour had passed in painful, anxious silence, Raph turned to face Leo. He looked at the patterns and scars of his husband’s shell. Leo didn’t have as many as Raph; none of his brother’s did. Certainly not now, after …  
Where had all of these come from? Raph found that he couldn’t place most of them. Years and years of fighting had blurred together, and only the worst ones stood out in Raph’s mind. There were two deep gouges across the middle of his shell: Shredder. The rest, Raph didn’t know. Leo probably didn’t know either. The worst was the one at the top of Leo’s shoulder, where Karai had run him through. Leo’d lost a chunk of his shell then and it had never grown back. Bitch. Reaching out, Raph traced the unnatural edges of the scar and hoped that Leo was asleep. This was the most they’d touched in weeks, he thought bitterly. He sometimes considered it, when he couldn’t sleep, but he rarely acted on the impulse. But this was supposed to be different. This was why they were here. Raph knew, no matter what other flimsy reasons his brothers gave him.  
Leo’s eyes fluttered at the touch. At first, Leo thought it must be the breeze coming in from the vent overhead and blowing down the back of his shell. Then he thought he’d rolled over in his sleep and was lying on the remote. The TV was on, wasn’t it? That was what that rushing, windy noise was. Sleep had come to Leo quickly, yet suddenly he didn’t feel very tired. Slowly, Leo opened his eyes and peered into the darkness. He was on a ship. The sound was the ocean and the thing touching him was not air from the vent, rolled up sheets, or the remote.  
Leo said nothing, his lips parting in a silent expression of shock. He didn’t move, didn’t even breathe, for fear that Raph would stop touching him. Maybe … he could just turn around, wrap his arms around Raph’s shoulder, and kiss him. He wanted to do it. He longed for it.  
“Oi,” Raph whispered, “Leo?”  
Leo’s heart picked up at his name on Raph’s lips. The hands flattened against the back of his shell, causing Leo’s toes and fingers to curl up, nails digging painfully into his palms. Calm came by force and Leo did not turn. “Hm?” He cleared his throat. “Yeah?”  
There was a lot Raph wanted to say, but he didn’t want to say any of it either. I’m sorry was first on his mind. I don’t like this either. I don’t want this. I’m trying. But that was too fucking pathetic.  
I love you was second. But that was too cheesy.  
What did he want? Why had he said anything at all? Nothing he did made sense to him anymore, and he hated that. He wanted … what?  
He wanted this to be over. He wanted things to be like how they were before. He wanted to be like how he was before.  
"I’m cold,” He finally said, allowing himself to inch a little closer to Leo. He wasn’t cold. He just had to have an excuse to get closer to Leo. His mind needed a reason, even if it was a stupid one. He tried to imagine Leo holding him. His arms around him. Raph swallowed hard. The room felt smaller.  
Leo blinked. Cold? They were both cold blooded. Squeezing together probably wouldn’t make that better, but it was an inviting prospect nonetheless. Holding Raph, sticking his nose down into  
the crook of his neck to smell him. He could ask. Just ask him simply if it would be okay if he held him. But that wouldn’t work. Raph would say yes, and in his desperate, frenzied mind Leo would take him at his word that it was fine. That it was really okay because Raph told him it was. Then he’d turn and pull the covers up over them and … the shaking would start. The heavy breathing. The panic.  
No! Stop. Leo mentally shook his head. Fucking stop it! He couldn’t give up. Raph wasn’t giving up.  
"Want me to hold you? I can turn up the thermostat too…”  
“No,” Raph replied quietly. “Just … just turn around, okay?”  
The 'no’ deflated him, but the command to turn put some of the lost wind back in his sails and he complied, turning to face Raph, arms wrapped around himself. Wrapped around himself because he couldn’t wrap them around Raph. God, he loved him. Raph had no idea how much Leo fucking loved him.  
Settling in, Leo gave an awkward half-smile and closed his eyes. Their legs and feet touched. Raph grabbed Leo’s hand and squeezed it, lying it between them on the mattress. All of it was a shock to Leo, even moreso than his hands had been on his shell earlier. He could hear Raph breathing deeply and swallowing hard. He could almost hear the blood rushing through Raph’s body, pumping through his anxiety.  
Quietly, Raph sighed and leaned forward, letting his forehead bump against Leo’s and rest there. Nothing could have prepared Leo for it; Raph’s skin on his, the feel of his breath across his face. Leo’s eyes opened and he stared, like he always did, like he’d been doing for a long time now.  
“Goodnight,” Leo murmured shakily, but Raph’s eyes and lips remained closed, locking Leo out from the anxiety quivering below the surface. It was alright; Leo was grateful for what Raph had given him and he eventually shut his eyes, falling once more into sleep.  
Chapter 3  
Chapter Summary  
Leo and Raph share a tender moment  
Leo had always been the first to rise, for as long as Raph could remember. Even as children, years before they trained each day, Leo had been out of pile they’d slept in long before his brothers, playing by himself, reading, or sitting on sensei’s warm lap. That habit had continued as they grew; Leo was in the dojo before anyone else, and often stayed after the others had finished. Even as adults, his work had him out of bed by 5 am most mornings. That part of their lives hadn’t changed. What had changed was that Raphael was often out of bed before Leo now. After being confined to a bed for weeks, he didn’t want to stay in it any longer than necessary. He still didn’t sleep well, but mostly he couldn’t stand the awkward mornings. So, he slipped out of bed before his husband woke.  
They’d migrated away from each other in the night, but their legs had still been touching, their hands lightly grasped, when Raph awoke. Rolling silently out of bed, Raph shouldered his gym bag. As an afterthought, he plopped down one of the little folded towel turtles onto his side of the bed, just below his pillow, then headed out to the ship’s fitness center. Working out had always been a release and Raph trained more than ever in the months following his abduction. It was slow going at first; his muscles had atrophied from his confinement and the subsequent bed-restriction of recovery. Now, he could do anything, and often pressed himself hard in his workouts.  
The fitness center was, unsurprisingly, empty. Apparently no one else wanted to exercise at 5 a.m. on their vacation and that suited Raph just fine. For two hours, Raph lifted, ran through katas, and perfected his forms. He would’ve stayed longer if Mikey hadn’t sauntered into the room.  
“I thought I’d find you here,” Mikey said, leaning against the chest press bench as Raph lifted without a spotter.  
“Yeah?” Raph returned breathily, “Gold star for you.”  
“Uh huh,” Mikey scoffed, reaching to help guide the weight bar into its grooves. “You stink, Raphie boy. Why don’t you carry your big meathead into the shower and come get breakfast with your brothers?”  
“Heh,” Raph snorted, sitting up and wiping the thin sheen of sweat from his brow ridge. Oh, he sweated, just not like mammals might have. Small smirk touching his lips, he flicked the acrid drops at his little brother, who screeched dramatically, making Raph laugh.  
“A'ight,” he conceded, rolling his shoulders and pulling to his feet. “Gimmie ten. I’ll be there.”  
When Mikey and Raph pulled into the breakfast buffet, the rest of their family was already there. Leo was dressed in some sweats and a tank with a light sheen on his skin, indicating that he too had been working out that morning. In actuality, when he’d woken up to find Raph replaced with the towel, Leo had gone to the track. Rather than run, he flipped. It felt like penance, so much like the punishment their father had doled out for years, and maybe, just maybe, if he punished himself enough for what he had allowed to happen, things would get better.  
Mikey greeted Leo enthusiastically. He was not as self-absorbed or immature as he might have been as a teenager, and family harmony was important to him. He knew how hard this was for Raph and Leo, and it hurt him. It physically caused him pain to watch their disjointed interaction, to see Leo staring at Raph with restrained yet helpless yearning, to see how Raph skittered away from any touch, and how his anger was turning inward, redirecting to himself, and slowly tearing him apart.  
“They got a lotta stuff goin’ on today,” Mikey supplied as he piled food onto Raph’s plate.  
Raph sat next to Leo, but an arm’s length away. It might as well have been a mile. Leo looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him, but he tried to pay polite attention to his littlest brother. “There’s a movie playing this afternoon,” he said, but immediately regretted it. It was an old movie, a boring movie, and, like everything he enjoyed, he knew that no one else would be interested. “It’s a crime movie about a statue … a priceless artifact called the Maltese Falcon that everyone is trying to steal…”  
He was so fucking boring. All he did was watch old movies, look at dead bodies, and obsess over his husband. Mikey returned Leo’s feigned polite interest and Leo wanted to die, but he tried to shake off the melancholy descending upon him. This was a vacation and he was supposed to be having fun. Raph had touched him last night without flinching. He’d held his hand. Leo reminded himself to be grateful.  
“I bet we could steal it.” Mikey said thoughtfully. He looked at Woody and grinned, and Woody smiled back, shaking his head, knowing that Mikey’s imagination was whirling within his head. “We should watch it and figure out how we could do it better or faster. I bet this movie would be over in like, 10 minutes if it was us trying to get it.”  
“No doubt,” Leo returned, smiling, eyes softening. God bless Mikey and his gift of gab. "Almost everyone in the movie gets shot, killed or imprisoned except Bogart and the girl he’s with.”  
“We’d make great criminals.” Raph said once they are alone. Hell, half of what he did was illegal already, but he didn’t do it for personal profit. Just pleasure. Leo probably wouldn’t be that good of a criminal. Not because he lacked the ability, but because it would probably violate his honor code or something. Raph, not so much. He didn’t put a lot of stock in human law and his moral code was ambiguous.  
“You mean you and Mikey would make great criminals,” Leo pointed out. Not that Don wouldn’t. He would. He just couldn’t see him being personally interested in a life of crime, at least not in the long term. If he were, Don wouldn’t commit the sort of crimes that people went to jail for in movies. He’d be a super villain.  
But Mikey and Raph? Perfect movie material. The big brother and the little brother running from the cops together. Running from Leo, and then he’d slam Raph up against the car after they’d had one of those epic movie fights with lots of flips and witty trash talk …  
Leo swallowed hard. “So, uh, what would you like to do today?”  
After a little debate, they decided to go swimming. There was a large, salt-water pool with a slide and high diving board that Leo had been eying since they’d come abroad. He couldn’t help but want to show off on it and the salt-water didn’t hurt Raph’s shell the way chlorine did. As he stood staring at himself in the mirror, however, Leo was unsure.  
“Ugh …” He stepped into his swim trunks. Big, blue Hawaiian flowers were dotted all over them. He hadn’t picked these. Mikey had. Put some personality into your clothes, bro, he’d said, wearing solid colors all the time makes you look like an old man!  
Leo frowned deeply. He’d rather look like an old man than wear these, but there wasn’t another option. He hadn’t packed anything else and he’d already nicked their discretionary spending budget with his abundant amount of cake. He watched Raph put on his own shorts, black trunks with red piping. They were tight, not designed for someone with a shell and Raph’s muscle mass. Worse yet, they weren’t designed to accommodate the knife strapped to Raph’s thigh, right over the burn from Slash’s buckle. Raph wore it near constantly, even to bed, and Leo saw the struggle cresting over his face; it didn’t fit. He wouldn’t be able to wear his knife to the pool.  
“Do you want me to carry it?” Leo asked, peering at his husband. Leo was smaller than Raph, with more room in the legs of his trunks, and he was sure he could fit it. No one would attack them at the pool. Even Leo, paranoid and cautious as he was, knew that. Raph had to know it as well. The knife was a security blanket, nothing more. Leo just hoped that having him carry it would be enough comfort for Raph.  
The minutes stretched between them and Leo’s heart thudded painfully in his chest, awaiting the rejection, then silently rejoicing as Raph conceded and handed Leo his blade. Nodding, Leo strapped it on carefully, concealing it totally. As if to prove his ability, he drew it out quickly in a fluid motion. Raph watched, then nodded back. Silent. Distant. Leo returned the knife to the holster awkwardly.  
Leo thought that when they got in the water it would get better, but it didn’t. They didn’t play or splash or race up and down the length of the pool. They didn’t even talk and when Leo climbed up to the high board and dove impressively into the water, Raph simply stared silently at him until Leo’s face grew hot and embarrassed and he looked away.  
The only ones Raph talked to were the children. They swam around him, semi-unattended minor passengers who laughed and smiled and wanted to see Raph’s teeth. Mister, are you a shark, they wanted to know, and Raph just tilted his head back and laughed a deep, rumbling laugh that made Leo’s heart break into a thousand pieces.  
Mikey, these stranger’ children … all of them could make Raph smile. They could touch him, talk to him. Leo couldn’t, and he didn’t deserve to. These children had not failed Raph … they hadn’t let unspeakable things happen to him and they weren’t being punished for it. Leo knew he deserved so much worse, but as he watched Raph toss and tickle the children, gift them with his voice and smiles and the touch of his hand, Leo couldn’t imagine anything worse than this slow, subtle torture.  
All the way back to the room, they were silent, Leo shrouded in a miasma of despair and Raph, now that the distraction of the pool was over, spiraling down into self-loathing. Nothing about this was okay. Nothing about him was okay. This entire situation never should have happened. He shouldn’t have had to hold Mikey while he sobbed, crying out that he’d thought he’d lost him for good. He shouldn’t have had to witness that hollow, terrified expression in G’s eyes or tears shimmering in Tessa’s iridescent violets.  
“Here’s your knife,” Leo said, and Raph blinked back to the moment. Leo stood across from him, face closed, holding out the blade.  
Was this what his life was going to be? Would he always have to create mental goals to touch the people that he loved? Never talk on a phone again because it gave him panic attacks? It wasn’t fair to Leo. Leo didn’t deserve any of this. It was Raph who had started their fight on Christmas eve, Raph who ran off like a child instead of going home, Raph who had warped Slash into what he’d become. How many more times was his family going to have to suffer because of him?  
Raph’s hand dropped to his side and Leo mimicked the motion, knife still grasped in his fingers.  
“I’m a fuckin’ disgrace. You shoulda let him kill me,” Raph whispered, his voice dark and low, choked, cracking.  
Whether it was correct or not, proper or not, the words snapped Leo out of his own melancholy thoughts. They burned through him, roiled intense emotion inside of him, and Leo drew back his hand. He hit Raph not once, but twice, expression changing to a confusion of passions. There was shock at himself, and anger, and Leo shook his head vehemently.  
“Don’t say that!” He spat. “Stop it! Don’t you ever say that again! Do you understand me?!”  
Grasping Raph’s shoulders, Leo shook him, trying to knock loose the awful words from his brain. “Your family loves you, Raph! I love you! That is never gonna change! EVER! No matter what happens! Get it through your thick skull! Open your ear holes and hear the words coming out of my mouth! I. Love. YOU! You got that?! And so does everyone else! Say that again and next time I’ll–! I’ll fucking punch you!”  
At first, Raph was too shocked to feel anything. Staring at the carpet, he ran his tongue over his teeth, tasting blood blossoming from the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t sure what he expected Leo’s reaction to be. He hadn’t expected anything. He’d just said it. Without thinking, just said it. It only took a few seconds for the anger to roll in once Leo’s hands clamped on his shoulders firmly, shaking him. His own hands flew up and he grabbed Leo, one squeezing his shoulder while the other one hooked around the back of his neck, but the words were disarming and Raph didn’t hit him. He just held on, fingers digging desperately into his husband’s flesh. Their foreheads drooped together and Raph nodded, closing his eyes. Tears prickled at the corners of them, but they didn’t not fall.   
Leo was right. It was a stupid thing to think. A stupid thing to feel. If the situation were reversed …   
“I’m sorry,” Raph murmured, and he meant it. His hand tightened on the back of Leo’s neck and he pushed their lips together. The kiss was not like the few, chaste pecks that they’d shared in the past few months. It was hard, desperate, raw, and unreserved and Raph wasn’t pulling away. Leo didn’t shy away from touching Raph, despite the threat of panic, of his shaking or crying. He couldn’t. Not when he was being kissed like that. Leo’s hands drifted from Raph’s shoulders to his neck, pulling him in. They kissed deeply, panting through their noses, Raph walking them back until Leo’s shell pressed against the door.  
He didn’t know why he was doing it, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. And it felt good. It felt really fucking good.  
When Raph finally broke the kiss, his breathing was ragged. Forehead pressed to Leo’s, he panted lightly, soaking in the touch, the way his husband smelled and felt, the cool, strong fingers massaging his neck. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I love you too. I fuckin’ love you, Leo. I’m sorry.”  
“I’m sorry too,” Leo admitted, “I shouldn’t have hit you. Now we can both stop apologizing, alright?”  
Leo wasn’t interested in hearing Raph say he was sorry. He didn’t need any apologies from him. He just needed Raph to be happy. To go swimming with him. To smile, to laugh, to talk with him.  
And when he felt like it … only if he felt like it …  
To kiss him again.  
Chapter 4  
Chapter Summary  
Leo and Raph talk things out  
Raph accompanied Leo to the movie and seemed to enjoy it, even if he sat quietly while Mikey whispered loudly about all the ways that they could have done it better. Whether Raph was engaging or not didn’t matter so much to Leo, so long as he was there, beside him, tentatively stroking Leo’s thigh or brushing their fingers together infrequently. When he closed his eyes, Leo could feel Raph’s life force, dim, flickering, but present, and that was enough.  
When they returned to the room, Raph took a long shower. Stretching out across the bed, Leo almost fell asleep, but just as he was dozing off, Raph edged out of the small bathroom, billows of steam escaping with him.  
“Hey,” Leo said softly, eying his husband, the way he looked framed by the vapor, with the rivulets of water running down the hard lines of his muscles.  
Raph almost rolled his eyes as he moved about the room, toweling himself, and he regarded Leo back, the easy sprawl of his legs on the mattress, the way his biceps bulged when he put his arms behind his head. It had been a long time since they’d been sexually intimate with one another, and Raph had been thinking about it since their kiss that morning. He’d thought about it in the shower, touched his tail gently as the water ran down him, and remembered what it had felt like to touch Leo so freely and easily.  
He wanted to do that again.  
“Don’t move,” Raph said, tossing his damp towel into the hamper. “Or say anything. Okay?”  
“What?” Leo asked, beginning to sit up, but Raph shook his head, irritated, bearing his teeth and growling softly.  
“Don’t move,” he repeated, louder this time, “or say anything.”  
“I won’t move and I won’t say anything,” Leo said, watching the nervous expression on his husband’s face as he swallowed down all the things that he wanted to say and all of the questions dying to beat past his lips. Perhaps it would be prudent to close his eyes, but he just couldn’t stop watching.  
Sliding onto the bed next to Leo, Raph sucked in a breath and laid a hand on Leo’s plastron. He traced the lines and patterns there, memorizing them. The room seemed so quiet now, the air heavier, and Raph shifted closer to Leo. After that … he just touched: Leo’s neck, his shoulders, his shell, tracing over the muscles of his arms, trailing his fingertips over Leo’s large hands, his thighs, the backs of his knees, down his calves, massaged his instep. He smoothed his palms over Leo’s skin, brushed his fingertips over him, scratched lightly over the muscles, and breathed in deep, slow breaths as he did it.  
Leo’s nervousness melted away under Raph’s hands. He kept his promise and made no noise, except for the occasional low, satisfied groans as Raph’s hands traveled up and down his body,  
exploring places they hadn’t in a long time. Even when they’d been fucking regularly, Raph didn’t really do this. He wasn’t slow and he wasn’t patient and he’d rarely taken the time to just touch Leo’s body, feel the curves and edges of his form, the scars littering his skin.  
“Don’t move,” Raph whispered in a husky reminder as he stroked the digit over Leo’s mouth and Leo gave a ghost of a nod in response to Raph’s command, signaling that he was still in compliance and would stay in compliance. Control was a difficult thing for Leo to relinquish, always had been and he was sure it always would be, but Raph needed to be in control of this situation, and so Leo was going to let him.  
There was a slight tremble to his exhale as he brushed his fingers lightly over Leo’s tail, alternating between looking at it and lifting his eyes to watch Leo’s expressions. He touched like that for a moment, gently brushing over Leo’s skin, before moving to lay on his stomach. His lips replaced his fingers, pressing soft kisses down the length of Leo’s tail.  
When Raph had begun touching him, Leo had figured he’d need something to hold onto to, and so he’d made it a point to wrap his hands up in the sheets when Raph had begun. This was good. The touches, the kisses, the closeness of Raph … it was all so, so good, but it made him uncomfortable to see the concentrated look on Raph’s face as he worked him over with his hands. So focused. It wasn’t like before, when Raph was always impatient and raring to go, boiling Leo alive with the unadulterated heat shining behind his eyes, yanking Leo down into their bed and going at him with his teeth bared.  
It felt good to be touched and kissed again, even if it was different, and Leo’s grateful for what he was being given. Grip tightening in the sheets, he shut his eyes and suppressed a shiver. Gotta stay still!  
Every tremble and shudder that threatened to quake through Leo’s body was echoed in Raph’s. He had started to shake, a rattle of anxiety that he didn’t understand. He didn’t feel nervous or apprehensive. He was in control here and Leo was listening to him. For once in their lives. But the tremor was there, and he wrapped his arms firmly around Leo’s thighs, hands clamping down at the junction of hip and leg to steady himself.  
If Leo knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t say a word about it. He’d do what he had promised and not move and not say anything. Raph wasn’t going to stop. He’d decided before he’d touched Leo that if he started, he was going to see this through, not because he felt like he owed it to Leo, but because he owed it to himself. He wanted to do this. He wanted to be able to do this.  
The pressure of his kisses increased and he flicked his tongue out, dragging it up and down Leo’s tail. He pulled the tip of it into his mouth, sucked, and released it, once more dropping hard kisses along the length. He could feel Leo shaking too. What a pair they made. Raph couldn’t help but smirk. He nipped Leo’s tail gently, grazing his teeth over the path his tongue had licked. He clenched and unclenched his hands on Leo’s hips, shifting against the bed. He remembered the first time he went down on Leo, years and years ago. He’d been a teenager, and Raph had been so turned on by sucking Leo that he’d come against the bed. He was still turned on by it, but he wasn’t 14 anymore and he wasn’t going to jizz against the sheets.  
Taking a deep breath, Leo thought about the movie and the ugly wooden carving that everyone was after. Everyone wanted it and almost everyone died chasing it. He thought of Mikey and Woody and their disgustingly romantic behavior. He even thought about his father, but none of it worked. He couldn’t calm down, not with Raph’s teeth gently teasing him and the cool air tingling over his moist tail. He wanted to ask Raph if he had any idea what he did to him, but he couldn’t. That would break the rules and then Raph might stop. His appreciation came, instead, in the form of his cock unsheathing right in front of Raph’s face; Leo’s skin darkened in a flush at the feel of it  
bumping against Raph’s cheek.  
Raph knew that Leo was jacking off all the time, ducking away into the bathroom or closet, sniffing Raph’s pillows and touching himself. Raph hadn’t experienced much desire at all in the last couple of months, but the scent of Leo’s body, the desire wafting off him, the precum beading on the tip of his thick, hard cock, sparked a twinge of want in Raph. He didn’t want to have sex, but something was there, in the pit of his stomach, shooting subtle fire down to his tail. Desire.  
“Leo,” he murmured, lips brushing against his husband’s member, “ya can move.”  
When Leo brought his hand down to cradle Raph’s cheek, it seared the skin, feeling like it was burning down to the bone, but it was nothing compared to Leo’s eyes. If Raph’s eyes were a blaze, then Leo’s were a smolder, an intense, sustained heat that could strip him bare and scorch his soul. Raph could feel Leo, he could feel him in the air around them, feel it charged with Leo’s intensity. It was exhilarating and Raph pressed on.  
It was a nice change of pace, not to be the one panting and shaking. Intimacy was a strange thing, Raph had learned. He’d let Angel stick her gum on his thigh and suck his dick when he was a kid, but it hadn’t been intimate. He’d had sex with Leo more times than he could count, fucked him every which way and been fucked back, but, somehow, this blowjob, in this dim, small, rocking room, seemed more intimate than all of that. It was Leo’s hand, he thought, not Leo’s cock in his mouth, that made it so. His eyes. Leo cupped his face gently and ran his thumb tenderly over Raph’s cheek, his closed eyes, and the ridges of his brow. He wanted to kiss Leo, suddenly, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned his face and nuzzled Leo’s hand, pressed a kiss to the palm, then brought his lips back to Leo’s dick and swallowed it.  
Petting over Raph’s face, Leo brought his other hand up to squeeze and rub the back of his lover’s neck, working out the knots of tension there. Raph’s tongue felt wonderful, licking and sucking him, and Leo tensed and arched as he got closer, gasped with his mouth open, and dug his fingers into the muscles of Raph’s neck. Raph drank it all down with a groan when Leo came, trembling and flushed. Sitting back on his heels, he stared at Leo, his husband’s legs askew, eyes halflidded, his messy cock still out.  
It took a moment for Leo to float down from heaven and he smiled at Raph as he pulled his legs together to hide his not-quite spent sex. He held his arms out to Raph, beckoning him to lay with him, and it was only when Raph did that Leo noticed the shaking. Raph was quivering, a sure mark of his anxiety and discomfort over the past few months. Instantly, the haze of pleasure was gone, replaced with concern and seriousness.  
“Are you alright?” Leo asked and Raph shrugged his shoulders, avoiding his brother’s eye.  
“I love you,” Leo said after that and this time Raph nodded. Pressing his face into the crook of Leo’s neck, he swore that he loved him too.  
“It’s only ever been you,” Raph whispered after the silence had grown heavy between them. Leo told him all the time that he loved Raph more than anything in this world, or any other world. Raph didn’t say things like that, not even after Mikey had hoisted those stupid smutty novels on him (which Raph kept well hidden so that Leo would never ever ever know he read them.) Romantic words just felt like a jumble in his head. The thought of them made him feel like a kid again, stumbling over his words and lashing out as he struggled to express himself.  
“Sometimes,” Raph finally said, “it almost hurts, I love you so much. I look at you and it feels like I can’t breathe. N- not in a bad way,” he hastily added. “I just … fuck. I love you. A lot. Maybe I don’t tell ya enough.”  
With a gentle smile, Leo nodded. If he were old and magic, if Raph were on the verge of death, he’d turn him into a substance that he could inject into his blood stream so that he could have Raph forever and spare him the pain of dying. If he had been given the choice to born a conjoined twin with Raph, he would have taken it. He loved him, completely, obsessively, more than anything.  
But he didn’t say any of that. He just nodded and smiled at his husband, cupped his cheek, and kissed him gently. “I love you too, Raph.”  
Closing his eyes, Raph leaned into the hand and told himself that this was alright and that it was good. In truth, it was. The rattling in his bones was subsiding and he felt okay with what had happened between them. He wanted more. He wanted to kiss and hold Leo again, and he wanted to   
“Leo?” Raph asked, golden eyes lifting to bore into Leo’s dark ones through the shadows of their small, dim cabin.  
“Yes, baby?”  
“When we get to shore … I wanna,” Raph swallowed hard, closed his eyes, and took the leap. “I wanna make love with you. On the beach. I wanna do it. Okay?”  
The smile that crested over Leo’s face was joyous and tender as he cupped Raph’s cheek, petting over his eyelids with gentle strokes. Anything, he wanted to say. Absolutely anything that Raph asked of him, he would give, gladly. “Yes,” he said, leaning to kiss his little brother’s forehead, “Of course. It’d be my pleasure.”  
Chapter 5  
Chapter Summary  
The family makes port. Leo and Raph visit the beach and a hermit crab triggers Raph's PTSD.  
The course of the next few days at sea felt normal. They held hands, they kissed, they nuzzled, and the majority of the tension that had been lingering between them since Christmas had dissipated. Leo just couldn’t seem to keep his hands off Raph, now that his advances were welcomed, or at the very least allowed. Unsuccessfully, they attempted a shower in the tiny bathroom, but only made a mess, rolling around on the floor together, dripping with suds, laughing, and doing what it was they usually did when they played: pushing faces, bumping heads, and trying in vain to catch the other in a hold. In all of this, deeper thoughts and feelings were taboo; they did not discuss it and Leo didn’t bring it up, terrified that it would spoil this blissful repose he had been gifted.  
By the end of the third day at sea, they pulled into port just as the sun was setting. Honolulu was dark and expansive with trees and jungle. The breeze wafted, warm and humid, over Leo and Raph’s faces as they sat on the deck, looking out over the sandy shores and smooth, looming volcano jutting out of the leaves.  
“It’s beautiful,” Leo whispered and Raph agreed silently. It was beautiful; maybe he understood a little bit more why Leo enjoyed travel. New York City was, and would always be, his home, but this was beautiful in a way that they city never would be. Though they’d lived aboveground for nearly eight years, Raphael would never forget his life in the shadows. It was that which gave him a keen appreciation of an open sky.  
As they waited for the ship to dock, the water grew lighter and lighter as the soft and inviting glow of the city lights pierced the water, exposing the dark shapes of swimming fish and the gnarled, reaching arms of coral. They had a week to spend here before returning to sea, exploring, relaxing, surfing, doing whatever they wanted. Raph had only two plans: one was a surprise for his husband, and the other … Raph hadn’t forgotten his embarrassing request in their cabin, and he knew that Leo hadn’t either, despite the fact that neither of them had mentioned it.  
Technically, passengers were set to disembark in the morning, but as Raph looked over at Leo suggestively, his brother inclined his head and smirked. “We’re not waiting for them to let us out, are we?” Leo asked, and Raph smiled back.  
Before Leo could order him to stop, Raph turned away, climbed up onto the railing, and dived overboard. Skittering to the edge, mouth hanging open with incredulity, Leo reached for him, managed to brush his fingertips over the heels of Raph’s feet, and then his little brother was gone, disappearing into the water below. Though he did not surface immediately, Leo was not worried; he was annoyed. Why did Raph have to do that!? Climbing up onto the railing, Leo frowned down into the foamy water. There better not be any jellyfish down there …  
When the water hit him, he was shocked. Not by the cold, but by how warm it was, and how good it felt around his body, soaking his clothes, surrounding him like a dark cocoon. Still, large bodies of water were not Leo’s favorite thing and once he got glimpse of Raph, blurred through  
the shield of his third eyelid, Leo pursued. Around the ship they swam, away from port, towards an inlaid beach with dark sand not for tourists, looming jungle jutting up either side of the cove. It was pretty, something that Leo usually would have liked, were he not wet and tired from the long swim.  
As they climbed out of the water, Leo leaned on his knees and panted while Raph laughed loudly, his voice ringing through the night sky.  
“That’s whatchu get fer eatin’ all that cake,” Raph teased and Leo frowned. It was the cake or Raph.  
“Shut up. I kept up just fine.”  
“You don’t see me out of breath, though.”  
“It was–! I will bury you in this sand! Leave me alone about the cake! Besides, I didn’t see you moderating yourself at the bar last night.”  
“Yeah? Try it. And I don’t need to moderate myself at the bar. That’s you.”  
“Moderate this,” Leo scoffed under his breath, reaching down to scoop up a handful of wet sand. Quickly, he shaped it with his hand and hurled it towards Raph’s shell, where is exploded on impact, sticking to him in clumps and haloing him with the dark grains. As Raph yelped, Leo laughed.  
“Hey!” Raph shouted angrily, “This ain’t a target, y'know, y'fuckin’ bastard!”  
Fuck throwing sand. Raph turned and he pounced on Leo. They wrestled in the sand for a moment, each growing filthier by the moment, until Leo broke free and rolled away. From across the beach, Raph sized him up, watched as Leo waded backwards into the tide pools and scouted through the water. What was he doing?  
Grinning like an idiot, Leo reached for a starfish, eyes shining with mirth as he pulled the creature from the rocks. It was harder than he’d thought it would be to get it off, the whole underside of its body covered in suckers, and it took a good yank to get it off the face of the rock. It was cruel; it probably hurt, but Leo wasn’t an animal activist. That was Michelangelo. Besides, he needed to see this fish stuck to Raph’s face. He just needed it.  
Turning, starfish in hand, Leo hurtled it across the sand towards his startled husband. Raph reacted, moved, but Leo had anticipated that and the fish smacked slimily onto the side of Raph’s head, seawater dripping down his temple as Raph stared with an open mouth, struggling to process what had happened as Leo cackled.  
"UGH!”  
Raph pulled at the fish, getting a chance to discover for himself how hard they were to remove once they’d adhered to something. “Wha-! What is wrong with you!?”  
Fuck it. The fish could stay there. He could see well enough. Leo was going down. Raph’s shoulder smashed into Leo’s upper plastron, knocking him off his feet, and he went down. An alarming crunching sound cracked underneath him; he hand landed on a shell and it was broken. He could feel the shards scraping against the back of his carapace, and something was moving there.  
“Raph,” he said, looking up at his husband, “I landed on something. Let me-”  
But the look on Raph’s face showcased that he knew all too well that Leo had landed on something. Shell breaking. Logically, Raph knew that the noise was wrong. It was too small and delicate to be Leo, but Leo looked surprised and alarmed, and Raph froze. Slowly, his eyes widened and his mouth pulled thin, and then Raph was moving, scrambling off and away from Leo, tearing at the starfish and dropping it in the sand. He tried to remember what Master Splinter had told him; close his eyes, breathe, and steady himself.  
At first, Leo didn’t notice Raph’s fading smile, being more concerned with the tiny crab burrowing its way up through the dark grit, claws bared, right between his legs. Raph moved away and the starfish flopped to the ground wetly and clenched sickeningly having once more been removed from its place of residence. Leo felt bad; he was going to return it to the water, but primarily, he focused on Raph, on the look over his face, the concentrated will, the tightened brow.  
In his concern, Leo forgot that he was to be making haste off his shell, away from the angry crab before he can exact its revenge. Lunging forward, claw open, it pinched the bare flesh of Leo’s inner thigh and he hissed, eyes popping down, away from Raph, away from Raph’s breathing. How did he get it off!? How did he get that fucking thing off!? He didn’t have time for it and it was tragically embarrassing.  
Leo jumped up and shuffled around, looking for a rock to smash it with, a stick he could pry it off with, anything. Raph was a little ways away, sitting in the sand with his arms wrapped around his knees and his face hidden. Leo needed to be over there, not scrambling around with a crab hooked to his leg.  
Seeing nothing to assist, Leo inhaled and reached down between his legs to wrap his hand around the body of the crab. He’d gone six months unable to console Raph when he was upset and he’d be damned if he didn’t console him now. Twisting his wrist, he wrenched the animal off, along with a chunk of flesh and thick strings of blood and skin. Scowling, Leo throw the wretched animal away, off into the trees, and limped his way to Raph, a few tears shining on his face from the pain.  
“Hey,” he said, settling in beside his brother and laying a hand on his arm. Raph didn’t jump when Leo laid a hand on him, didn’t move at all at first. Then, he exhaled, lifted his head so that his eyes were visible from the shield of his arms, and cut them to Leo. The blood was not the first thing he noticed, but he saw it after a few seconds, saw it pooling against Leo’s leg, made out a few dark drips against the sand. He inhaled sharply.  
No. It was just his leg. He was fine. It was just his leg. Maybe he should have been more concerned or tried to find something to stop the bleeding, but he couldn’t seem to move. His eyes traveled across Leo, his face, his shell, his leg, in a scattered triangle of frantic movement.  
“Hey.”  
Leo didn’t ask what was wrong or if Raph was alright. He knew the answers; Raph was anxious and scared. The cracking of the crab’s shell underneath him had triggered it, and his yelp afterward had made it worse. Looking down at his leg, Leo noted the seeping, bloody gouge that swelled around the edges, then looked back at Raph.  
“I’m okay. I just sat on a crab,” he assured, reaching to rub the back of Raph’s neck in what he hoped was a soothing manner.  
Raph gazed up at the stars. A crab. Had they killed it? Maybe it’d grabbed onto Leo because its muscles had clamped in death. They’d broken its shell; they might have killed it. Did it need the shell? Was it attached? Could it find another? Raph wanted to know; he wanted to find it, get it a  
new shell, and take care of it. Get it a new shell. Take care of it as apology for hurting it. But he wouldn’t do that. He was done taking hurt animals home.  
Raph inclined his head just slightly in acknowledgment of Leo’s statement. He felt a bit foolish now. He’d over reacted. “Yeah.” He said, slowly unwinding his arms. Off in the distance, the ship, what could be seen of it from where they were, was bobbing up and down in the water slowly next to its mooring station, the tops of the buildings behind it popping in and out of view.  
Were they going to swim or walk back, Leo wondered. Either way it was going to suck. Worse than the salt stinging into wound or the tropical parasites that would inevitably be making their home inside Leo, was what Donnie would say when saw the injury. The imaginary Donatello in his head stared at him, incredulous. Frosty. Snapped his first aid kit shut and walked away. ‘And you call yourself the responsible one.’  
Leo frowned. “Raph?”  
“What?” He asked, pulling his eyes away from the sky to look at Leo.  
“Have you had fun so far?”  
Raph hesitated. Had he had fun? He wasn’t sure. He was glad they were on the trip. He liked being out of the city, away from everything, all responsibility. And he was happy that he was pushing past this, whatever it was in his head and the pit of his stomach that had stopped him from reaching out for Leo, or made him tremble if he got too close.  
“Yeah,” He said after a moment’s consideration. “I’m glad we came. But you throw any more fucking wildlife at me, I’m gonna drown you.”  
“I had to. It was too good an opportunity to pass up,” he replied quietly, smirking, turning his hand over in his, tracing the lines in the palm. Mikey was next. If he could find another starfish… Mikey was next.  
"I’m glad we came too.”  
Rolling his eyes, Raph fell back into the sand, enjoying the way it scuttles to accommodate him. He liked looking at the stars. He felt like he could stare at them for hours. Sometimes he did. But this was so much better than it was at home. He had never studied a star chart. He didn’t know the constellations. He’d be fucked if he ever had to navigate by them. But he still liked looking at them. Leo probably knew all that shit.  
“That first time you left to train,” Raph said after a long silence. They hadn’t talked about it much. He got the impression Leo hadn’t particularly liked it. Raph hadn’t liked it either. He’d shut himself in his room and refused to say goodbye to Leo, a decision he had regretted as soon as he was gone. “Did you think about us a lot?”  
Leo grimaced as he remembered it. Training. All the endless hours… endless days he’d spent training. Out on his own traveling from place to place hiding from people. Being attacked by people, then turning around and having to rescue those same people. In Japan, with the Ancient One, sitting on rocks underneath freezing cold waterfalls meditating. Eating nothing but rice and unseasoned fish for dinner every night.  
Had he missed them? Thought about them a lot? Yes. Every night, he thought of them, sitting at the dinner table with them, talking and laughing, or on the couch watching T.V. I cried some nights. When it got really bad, he’d cried. “I thought about you guys all the time. Every day,” he promised, sticking his face into the crook of Raph’s neck. "Did you think I didn’t?”  
“I thought it might be a relief,” Raph admitted. "Not having to be responsible for us for once.”  
He wasn’t sure why he was talking about this now. Just being on the beach and seeing the bright stars made him think about it, just like being on the ship had. Made him think about the experiences Leo had had that Raph didn’t know about. He remembered the second time their sensei had sent Leo away to train. He didn’t know the details of that either, but he knew Leo had literally traveled the world, going 5 places to learn 5 lessons before ending in central America. In the jungle. Had it been like this? Hot and humid, the forest thick and living. They didn’t talk about it. He remembered their fight when Leo had come back; it had been one of the worst ones they’d ever had. Anger had boiled in him. He’d wanted to tear Leo apart. He nearly had. He shut his eyes. “I don’t know. I thought, maybe it was less stressful than being around us.”  
“You guys got on my nerves. You still do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love all of you or that I wanted to be away from you forever. I love my family. I love you.”  
The silence returned as Raph digested the information, trying to think of something to respond with. “I’m sorry I ignored you. That first time.”  
He remembered it well. How stupid to apologize for it now. So many years later. He remembered Leo knocking quietly on his door, letting him know that he was going soon. 'Fucking go, then!’ Raph had shouted. 'Who the fuck needs you!?’ He’d been so angry. Angry at their sensei for sending Leo away, angry at Leo for actually going.  
“I didn’t consider it a good thing at first. The extra training,” Leo admitted, looking up into the night sky. A bright light winked over head, moving quickly over in wide arc. Probably a plane taking off from somewhere.  
"You do now?”  
“I do now. It’s come in handy. It had its uses, but … I don’t know. I took it as an insult at first. Was I not good enough?” He laughed at the memory, picturing himself sitting in the dojo with Splinter at 16, a confused and angry look on his face.  
Raph laughed too, a small chuckle. "Yeah, well. You always were an arrogant bastard.”  
“I was already training all the time. I thought I had the leader thing down pat. Splinter coming and telling me to go away to learn how to do it better… you get it. Right?”  
“Yeah. I get it.”  
They had been children. As much as none of them had thought that, or as much as their burdens might have said otherwise. Teenagers. G’s age. Good fucking god, the thought of G doing some of the things they had. And Raph … he’d thought no one could possibly understand him. No one really cared. He’d been so sure he was right. The stupid self-righteous self-assurance that came with being 15. And fuck, they hadn’t made it easy for Leo. He knew that now.  
“I wrote you letters while you were gone,” Raph admitted quietly.He still had some of them. Not all. Most of them he’d torn up directly after writing them, discarding the shredded paper in the wastebasket in his room. Some he’d burned. Thrown into the sewer. Or, when he’d been feeling really sentimental and his family was asleep, he’d snuck into Leo’s room and stuffed them under his pillow. But he’d always retrieved them after a day or two and either destroyed them or hidden them.  
"Well, they’re ten years late…but I wanna read em’.”  
“No you don’t. They aren’t very nice.”  
“Yes, I do. I especially would have wanted to read them when you wrote them.”  
“I’ll let you read them, if you want. But if you make fun of me, I’ll murder you in your sleep.” They all basically said the same thing. Opened with a lot of cussing and harsh words. Raph had written pages of that. I hate you. How could you leave us. How could you leave me. God. He was glad he’d burned the most desperate sounding ones, but they all ended the same. I miss you. Be safe. Please come home soon.  
“Punching doesn’t solve everything, Raph. You should try cake. It works for me.”  
"You might be okay with getting fat, but I’m not.”  
“Splinter says it happens anyway. Doesn’t matter what you do. They call it 'The Spread’.”  
Raph raised an eye ridge. He’d probably die before he got old enough for that to happen anyway. He decided not to share that thought. “Hmm. I don’t know about that. I think it’s probably all the donuts and cake.”  
Leo frowned, images of himself and Raph as old men popping up in his head. He saw himself sitting next to Raph, the both of them wrinkled and disgruntled looking, frowning at young people walking by their house. Grandchildren? Would they have them? What would that be like? The frown turned to a grimace as he imagined Tessa older, waddling around with a belly full of baby. And then G… No. He didn’t want those kids. G would probably have a litter and it would be like having seven Raphs and seven Caseys all at once.  
There were a lot of things in the gift shop he could’ve picked instead. Toblerones, kettle chips. Popcorn, toffee, saltwater taffy, peanut brittle. He didn’t pick the cake because he hadn’t had anything else to choose from. He picked it because it was good. Full bodied, spicy, and sweet. The alcohol in them warmed the pit of his stomach, evaporating just quickly enough for him to not even notice it was there. Like Raph’s touches the last couple of months. There…but not quite. Not quite.  
“I picked it because it tastes most like you.”  
He tasted like rum cake? Raph blinked, turning to look down at Leo. He probably didn’t mean that literally. What did Leo taste like, then? He’d never thought about it. Something cold, but strong and sweet. “Like me? How do you figure that?”  
“It’s crisp and spicy on the outside. Soft and sweet on the inside.”  
“…” Another time, he’d comment, call Leo a fuckin sap, tease him, roll his eyes or grunt in disgust at the comparison. Now, he just looked at him a moment and then pulled his eyes away, looking back up at the stars. “Yeah, well. We … should go back.”  
“Was my comparison not good enough?” Leo teased, nuzzling Raph’s neck in the pause before his suggestion they leave. He was so calm. So relaxed that if he didn’t know him, he might’ve taken his quiet response and the reflective expression on his face for the entreats of melancholy.  
Sitting up, Leo stared at the water and the piece of island hiding their ship from view. It would be a long swim. And then what would they do once they got there? Knock on the door? No. They’d have to climb it. Climb all the way back up and over the railing, dripping wet.  
“We should have thought this through a little more…”  
“No one told you to follow me.”  
But Leo laughed and shook his head, smiling at his husband as he pulled to his feet and held out a hand. “No one will ever have to tell me to follow you, Raph. I promise.”  
Chapter 6  
Chapter Summary  
Raph takes Leo on a surprise excursion on the island  
Raphael wasn’t good at surprises. He could keep a secret if he needed to, if he felt it was the best course of action, but surprises tended to excite him and, before he realized it, burst out of him. It was a childish habit and it was one that had taken him a long time to break. He hadn’t really been intending to break it; it had just happened. He was quieter. He didn’t share as much. He was just as likely to keep his thoughts to himself now as he was to share them with those around him. It wasn’t a change he particularly liked in himself, this muted quality he felt he’d taken on, but it at least served a purpose in this specific context.  
Convincing Leo to come with him had been ridiculously easy. He hadn’t even really asked any questions; Raph had asked him to come, and he had. Simple as that. Perhaps he was that starved for the attention, perhaps he just didn’t care one way or another, or perhaps he thought it was best to accommodate Raph, because who knew what trouble he could get onto, even contained to an island. Whatever the reason, they’d spent the last 4 hours on a bus together, traveling from the south shore of Oahu up through the tropical forests that took them to the north shore. The less inhabited shore, the more wild, more authenticate part of the island, hidden away from pasty tourists in bad floral shirts.  
From the bus it was another hour of walking, which Raph hated. It was muggy and uncomfortable, and everything chirped and hissed and he could practically hear the crawling around him. He pushed through, battling the oppressive atmosphere and swarms of mosquitoes to lead them to their secret destination.  
A temple, nestled deep in the wilderness, just a short distance from the shore. He’d spoken with their father before the trip, shared his disjointed desires to do something for Leo during this trip, since he knew the whole reason, the entire goal was to put the fragments of Raphael back together again. And it wasn’t fair and he didn’t like the attention and he just … wanted to do something. Something back. Because he cared, because Leo had been … he just … he needed something nice in his life. Something good, something he’d enjoy and if Raph couldn’t be that right now, he’d find another way to give it to him.  
“Hope you ain’t too tired. We got a full evening ahead of us.”  
A full evening. A full evening of what?  
Leo looked around him as they made their way deeper into the wooded enclosure, the temperature lowering to a more comfortable one once they’re in shade. There were coconut and pineapple plants everywhere, heavy with unpicked fruit. Mosquitoes buzzed in the heat haze above their heads, every so often a few flying down curious about the warmth-absent beings trekking through their home. Hanging off his shoulder was a canvas satchel he’d borrowed from Mikey, loaded down with some odds and ends for their little excursion. Water, wasabi peas (for him. Raph wasn’t a fan), a sack of dried pineapple and banana, and….a little… Okay, a lot of cake.  
“No. Not tired. Where’re we going?”  
He didn’t like surprises. Didn’t like being unprepared. Raph hadn’t told him anything. Given him any details. He’d just come to him and asked him if he wanted to go somewhere.  
“We’re here.”  
They rounded the corner and Leo saw it, right after Raph told him. The temple, hidden in the trees. He had heard of Lua. When they were younger, during their academic lessons in the kitchen, Splinter had made a concerted effort to try to teach them as much as possible about the world they lived in, despite them not really having a place in it at that point in their lives. It was never ‘just’ the basics. Never just English, Science and Math. Everything they did pointed back to their art, or tied in with it somehow. Especially the history lessons. No one but him had ever really shown a whole lot of interest in those. Well..Mikey did sometimes. But only because their father had a way of teaching it that made it less like a lecture.  
"I talked with sensei. He knows the master here. I thought ya might like it. Sensei says it’s a lot like the stuff we learned. Techniques. Concepts. The ideas of 'aloha’ and stuff.” Shrugging his shoulders in his defensive, self-conscious way, Raph plodded towards the temple. “Whatever. We’re gonna be here the next 2 nights whether ya like it or not.”  
Leo paused mid-step, purple flush creeping up his neck and into his down turned face. They were going in to receive training from a master of the art of Lua. One of only three left…and he was walking in with a satchel full of cake and dried fruit under his arm. He shook his head, the heat rising, face darkening a deeper shade. Raph charged up the steps of the temple, shoulders tense, and Leo was after him a split second later wracking his brain, trying to think of something to say. This was an opportunity of a lifetime. They would get to learn, from a master, the fighting style of the Hawaiian warrior class. He wanted to do it. Was genuinely excited about the prospect.  
They’re on the veranda, smooth stone with thick green creepers twisted over it, the large, heavy wooden door cracked open just enough for a person to slip through. Placing his hand on the door, Leo tossed the bag he carried off into the bushes. There was no way he was going in with that. He’d get it later and hope there weren’t any bugs crawling in it…  
—  
There were similarities to Lua and the arts they’d learned, but there were many differences as well, most of which tipped the martial art in Raph’s favor. It was a brutal style of fighting, heavily focused on disarming and disabling an opponent either through joint locks, pressure points, or literal bone breaking. It was a style Raph could appreciate.  
As he expected, they were given no time to rest after meeting the master, Matua. Raph hadn’t brought anything with him except for the clothes he wore, but those were stripped away and each brother was given a simple pair of black pants to train in. Leo was nothing, if not an obedient and attentive student, listening with rapt attention as Matua recounts the history of the art of Lua. Explains and demonstrates the various uses of the weapons used. The inside of the temple reminds him a lot of the dojo, and Splinters room in their old home, littered with colored pillows and old, but still functioning pieces of furniture they fished out of dumpsters and off curbs. The main entrance is sparsely decorated, housing only a few, crumbly statues and a table where a fragrant oil lamp burns, the smell settling down surprisingly heavy in the huge space.  
After they changed and got lectured for an hour about the history and principles of the art they were about to learn, Matua took them to the shoreline.  
Raphael had no idea what to expect, but he tried to focus on the sensations in his body as distraction from the sour feelings churning in his gut. The sand under his feet. The light breeze, the smell of salt, the lowering sun warming his shoulders and face. A scent of coconut. Strong. He  
sniffed, and watched Matua as he uncapped a small unlabeled brown bottle and poured a generous amount of oil into his palm, which he then began to spread over his torso and arms. He handed the bottle to Raphael without a word.  
It smelled really good, and it made Matua’s brown skin shimmer in the fading light. He watched the human, regarded him carefully, took in his expression, the set of his mouth, the tilt of his chin, trying to read him, judge his temperament.  
Pouring the oil into his palm, he walked the few steps across the beach to Leo, coming to stand slightly to the side and in front of him. “Turn around.”  
Leo did what he was asked, eager to begin the physical aspect of their training, though he was prepared for a beatdown. Raph was good at lua; it used his skills well and he was unreserved in touching Leo, getting close to him, their slick bodies flush against one another as Matua showed them holds, grabs, and throws that Raph had never seen before, never done. That was what they would cover today, the basics of the art, the grappling, the throws. When they came to the pressure points, it would tilt in Leo’s favor. But Raph expected to excel at the more brutal aspects of the art, even if he would draw his strikes so as to not actual break the bones of Leo or the human instructing them.  
Grappling and trying to keep hold of Raph was hard enough on its own. Without being covered in oil. Leo wasn’t used to doing a lot of up close and personal fighting with Raph. It went against what his brain told him was the correct way to go about things. Went against the principles of Sun Tzu he’d had beaten into his brain as a pupil under his father.  
'One does not charge up a mountain.’  
One did not charge up Raph either. It was continuously slamming himself over and over again into a brick wall as they came together, trying to find purchase in the oil slathered over their bodies, listening to Raph smile and then laugh as he excelled against his husband. After an hour, Raph no longer looked frustrated. After two, he was actually smiling. By hour three, the smile had faded and by the end of hour four, he was ready to drop.  
The sun had set moments earlier when Matua finally allowed his pupils to desist, putting the training on hold until the next morning, when they would go over more basic and discuss weapons. Weapons training itself would take place in the afternoon.  
Raph just sat on the sand, glistening with both oil and sweat, panting lightly as his muscles protested. Jesus. He hadn’t worked out like that in … well, a long time. Their own master would often make them train for hours and hours on end, but Raph hadn’t done that in years. He could, obviously, but it left him drained and perhaps too tired to even be contentious. Or perhaps he just didn’t have the will. Whatever the reason, his expression was tired but neutral, a true neutral, showcasing none of the inner workings of his mind or feelings for the moment.  
Leo stuck to his own, quiet corner for a while after Matua ended the lesson. Eyes closed, he sat down in the sand to stretch the kinks out of his tight muscles, listening to the sound of his joints cracking, relieving the pressure heaped on them. The ocean air felt wonderful, blowing across his sweaty, oily skin and when he finally stopped stretching, feeling sufficiently looser and much more relaxed, he makes his way over to where Raph sat. “You’re gonna get it tomorrow.”  
“Don’t be a sore loser, though ya probably can’t help it, considerin how many bruises ya got…”  
But Leo was probably right. He wasn’t going to win most of the spars they had tomorrow. Pressure points and joint locks were some of his least favorite things to do or experience, and a day of them sounded awful. At least they’d get to see some of the weapons in the afternoon.  
Happiness shown in the light of the waning sun reflecting off Leo’s eyes. In the goofy smile he greeted Raph with when he turned and looked at him. This didn’t happen often. He didn’t smile like this all the time because he didn’t all the time feel this good. He wanted to reflect this emotion onto Raph. Wanted him to feel as good as he felt. “Thank you, Raph.”  
It was Raph’s turn to flush and look embarrassed, and he dropped his eyes again as his cheeks turned purple. Leo was genuine; Raph had known him long enough and well enough to be able to tell, most of the time, whether or not Leo was bullshitting him. He wasn’t. Raph didn’t think so.  
“Yeah.”  
It took him a moment to sift through his emotions, and its visible now, passing over his face as he takes in what Leo has shared and processes it. He nods once, still looking away. “I’m glad. You never - I wanted … forget it. I’m glad you like it, even if I can’t feel my fuckin legs.”  
He never what? What did Raph want? He wanted to know the answers to those questions. Wanted to respond accordingly. Scooting closer, Leo laid his head on Raph’s shoulder and turned, looking out at the ocean. Later, maybe, he could find a proper response. Right now, this was good and he didn’t want to muss it up, as so often happened between them.  
Raph watched as Leo descended into quiet contemplation. Sometimes, on rare occasion, he appreciated Leo’s silence, and this was one of those times as he had no desire to explain his thoughts or rationale for doing what he had done, had no will to discuss and hash out the details, because it would be an argument, because it was always an argument, because Leo never ever agreed with this reasoning.  
Instead, he slipped an arm around Leo, holding the bottom of his carapace, not wanting to move yet. Tomorrow, they’d resume, they’d talk, they’d fight, but now, at this moment, there was nothing better to do than be here on the beach, looking at the silvery reflection of the moon on the mild waves of ocean.  
Chapter 7  
Chapter Summary  
Leo and Raph finish their training and then make love on the beach. By Rhodes  
Eventually, the hard day’s training and the warmth of the sun get the better of the two brothers. They fall asleep, shell deep in the white, powdery smooth sands of the old Master’s private beach. They wake a couple of hours later as the sun is setting. Seagulls screeching overhead, flying low over the gently tossing waves. The air is thick with the perfume of fallen fruit and flower leaden bushes and Leo breathes deeply, a small smile curling his lips when he turns and finds his husband next to him. Surprised at how close Raph is allowing himself to be—one arm draped over his midsection, a leg hooked together with his own.  
Waking him with a kiss, at least in his head, seems a perfect way to begin their trek back across the island to the ship, but Leo hesitates, a twinge of the familiar guilt shooting through him. The closeness…the constant touching since the day Raph hatched…he didn’t have words to express how deep and pervasive his need to have this actually went. It felt like a sin even thinking it with all Raph had been through. A sin to want so much. To pine after and dog the footsteps of one pursued by so many.  
It was want that seemed always to be the cause of their misfortunes. Want Leo suspected, that was the source of all Raph’s fears and anxieties. And who could fault him for that? Leo often felt the universe itself was conspiring against them. Threatening at every turn to make a mole-hill of the craggy mountain the Hamato family had managed by the skin of their teeth to hold for more than ten years now.  
Sighing, Leo lowers his head down to Raph’s, whose golden eyes flutter open instantly at the unexpected contact. Blinking rapid fire to adjust to the sudden brightness. He shifts…stretches and sinks farther into the powdery white of the sand, Leo not so subtly admiring the minor constrictions of his muscles when he tenses.  
Whatchu want?’ Raph would usually ask upon waking and finding his husband staring at him, the ever present longing shining out of his eyes as it had been since the day they’d first laid eyes on one another. But today Raph asks nothing. Just leans forward and gently nuzzles his mate. Yawns and pushes up into sitting position, blinking out over the waves at the disappearing sun.  
He didn’t need to ask anymore. Leo wanted the same thing he’d always wanted. To be as physically, emotionally, and spiritually close to him as possible…lord knew why. Cuz he was crazy maybe? Didn’t know any better? Could the pills Don had been pushing on them the last ten years fix it? Did he want them to?  
Raph still heard it sometimes. Saw Slash in his dreams, crouched low over him. The sharp points of his beak scraping the side of his head as he whispered Leo’s words into his ear. He could feelthe thick, jagged edges of his nail as he attempted to push into his slit. Slash had been watching them a long time. Long enough that he’d been able to learn to mimic the exact tone and pitch of Leonardo’s voice. Learned to mimic the longing. The obsession. And dripped it into Raphael’s wounds as a slow drip of salt-water.  
“You ready to go?”, Raph asks, turning back toward his husband. Looking through him rather  
“You ready to go?”, Raph asks, turning back toward his husband. Looking through him rather than at him. Raph was no longer comfortable maintaining the current level of closeness they had achieved. For reason’s beyond any thoughts he’d had or was having. He just…wanted a little space for the evening after all the touching and togetherness. He needed to be alone in his skin. He didn’t feel ready to let Leo do his reaching just yet.  
Leo understands this…or at least he seems to, nodding in response. Standing they shake the sleep and sand from their bodies and are silent the short walk back up the rocky path to their acquainted Master of the Hawaiian martial art and his temple. Following a very formal goodbye, the two leave as they came, Leo digging out his bag of uneaten cakes from the bushes, staring between them and the flowery t-shirt Raph wears stretched over his cracked shell.  
Hefting his bag of uneaten sin Leo lengthens his stride to catch up, pushing the dark ruminations of before out of his mind. They were on vacation on a beautiful island. Every bit as visually striking as the post cards he’d seen on the racks in the gift shop and the numerous TV spots in their cabin in between movie playbacks. It was like being in the jungles of South America all over again. Minus the painful bug bites and frequent run in’s with drug dealers. There was no more Slash. Nothing they need fear getting in between them.  
'You saw to that’, he reminds himself, a silent, mental mantra he repeats over and over until the sun…and the warm spicy scent of his mate phase it out. Leaving behind only joy of being. And the ceaseless, almost crushing need to be dissolved in abject worship of the man next to him.  
The evening on the ship passes peacefully, luxuriously by. The four brothers and Woody lounging in a hot-tub, a suggestion Leo and Raph at first shot down, their reasons for refusing obvious. They walked stiffly, Leo especially, and were both covered in purpling bruises from the Lua practice. Air conditioning and a soft bed sounded like the more enjoyable option out of the two at least until they were actually there, neck deep in the steaming water the jets pushing too hard to allow for much conversation.  
Donatello sat to their right. For once in his life, at rest. Asleep with a towel over his face, and Mikey and Woody sat across from them. The picture of a trashy 80’s teen romance. Staring up at the sky with their arms wrapped around one another, Woody sitting in Mikey’s lap and the larger, greener part of the duo with his chin resting on the curly crown of his partners head.  
Ten minutes in the water and Leo felt consciousness beginning to leave him, eyes sliding shut and popping back open whenever there was a little splash or giggle. Mikey and Woody…the two of them just seemed so unreal.  
’Like couples in stock photos ’, Raph thinks, his thoughts echoing his drifting mates. A picture perfect couple. A couple that never fought—never had any real obstacles to over come. Didn’t struggle with any anxieties, doubts or fears. Didn’t carry with them the same trauma’s that Raph did. Woody would never suffer the inattention’s that Leo had. And Mikey, the baby…wasn’t allowedto suffer.  
‘Over my dead body!’, the elder Hamato brother’s had all said at one time or another when some armor clad villain had threatened the smallest of their clan. Raph wonder’s, as he watches Mikey frolic and play if maybe that had been a mistake. If their valiant defense of him hadn’t lulled him into a false sense of security. Leo was always jumping to his defense–trying to save him.  
And look where they were now. Leo orbiting around him like the moon does the earth and Raph…for the first time in his life fearing it, rather than being invigorated by it.  
Sleep doesn’t come easy to Raph that night. It’s hard for him to get up when Leo whispers the  
final warning about the time in his ear. Washing his face and brushing his teeth seems more a chore than it ever has, and he can barely even bring himself to smile when Leo comes down from the dining room with a plate full of all of his favorite breakfast things. Lack of sleep makes him slow and the heat of the day slows him to almost less than a crawl as they traverse the small, but dense jungles littering the island on their way back to the Lua Master’s temple.  
Leo is kind and patient. Annoyingly so. Stopping every few minutes to look back and see where he was or to wait for him. Asking him at every rest stop if he wanted water or something out of the vending machine. Raph brushes Leo off. Sometimes not so nicely, mind in a fog. Focused on the destination and how long it was taking them to get there.  
And it seemed to be taking a really long fucking time. Or was that just the sleep deprivation getting the better of him? This was a vacation for crying out loud. It was supposed to be relaxing! All this shit was supposed to make him feel rested. Make him feel like he’d..arrived or something. Fix things. Make it better.  
“Looks like we’re here”, comes Leo’s voice off to his side, and Raph turns to him, fist’s balled. Arms held tight to his sides, and follows him off the bus, beak twisted in a scowl. Golden eyes burning with anguish and a host of other emotion’s he can’t name. Yesterday had been good day. Long, and hot, but good. Why did he feel so shitty about this one all of a sudden? It had only just started.  
An image of Mikey and Woody kissing and making eyes at each other in the hot-tub flashes through his memory and Raph’s expression sours even more. Few and far between were his and Leo’s moment’s of loving solidarity on this trip. Nearly all of it tinged with feelings—at least on Raph’s part—of fear and self-loathing. Hatred for himself stemming from not being able to transcend those emotions. Make himself worthy of all that undying love pouring out of his brother’s eyes.  
’I want you..’, Raph thinks, but never verbalizes the entire time they’re walking up the hill, hand in hand with one another. Leo smiles his gentle smile and leans in to nuzzle him, cheeks purpling when Raph nuzzles back, the cool, shaded path relaxing him some.  
Closing his eyes, Raph pulls in a breath and lets it out slowly. He wants to be needed. And needs to be needed by Leo to feel complete. However foolhardy…however unhealthy a thing it might be to want, those were his feelings. And he would accept them and the consequences as they arose.  
Leo makes good on his boasts in the second practice. But only after the first few tries. The cool of the inside of the temple and the vigorous rub down with oil perk Raph up enough to put up a solid offense. Fighting gives him back the joy he’d lost on their long trip here, and the defeats he’s handed bother him less and less as time goes on…Matua circling them…occasionally pausing to give instruction or to correct.  
The images that swirl through Raph’s head are less than savory. Less than romantic as he and Leo’s oiled, sweaty bodies crash into each other. He sees his blood on Leo’s lips. On his teeth when he smiles and under his nails when he makes a grab for him. He imagines the hands are bigger—twice as big with brownish, jagged nails that want to claw their way into his flesh. Watches as the slightly tilted, warm brown eyes of his husband turn coal black and back again until finally, four hours later, it’s over and they stand adjacent one another. Panting and sore for the second time in a row, their trainer nodding in approval.  
They say goodbye to Matua for the second and final time, Leo smiling down at the weapon in his hands. The one he’d only just today been given and already was as attached to as any other he owned. Though not so enthralled he doesn’t notice Raph walk away from him down the beach, a  
look of utter defeat on his face.  
Raph drops down in the sand underneath some low growing thing with big, waxy looking, green leaves, fidgeting around when he feels sand sliding into his shell.  
“Baby?”, Leo says, taking his place next to him and leaning back, letting gravity do the work. Body sinking shell deep into the sand.  
“I’m aight”, Raph answers, before Leo can ask for the millionth time. But it’s easy to hear the lie in his voice.  
“Raph–”  
“Look Leo—I don’t want you askin’ me anymore damn questions!”, Raph snaps, slamming a fist down into the sand, peppering Leo with grit. “I’m tired of it! I’m tired of everybody asking me if I’m alright or if I need help—lookin’ at me like they feel sorry for me!”  
“Nobody–!”  
“Did I say I was done?”, Raph growls, cutting Leo off mid-sentence, voice low. Shoulders beginning to shake.  
“….No, baby”, Leo says, and drops his eyes, placing a hand a top the fist Raph has half-buried in the sand, eventually just laying down and resting his head on Raph’s chest. Hoping that isn’t too much over the boundary line for the state he was in.  
“Tell me what you want.”  
Leo could feel the heat of the sun in his skin. Smell the sugar in his scent and his stomach does flip-flops thinking of all the little cakes he’s eaten in the past few days. Sympathy for Raph was the furthest thing from his mind. He’d never felt that. Only fear, anger, and a blacker, much more complex kind of hatred for himself and the roll he’d played in bringing all this to pass.  
It was he who’d taken away all of Raph’s weapons before the party. He who’d spat in his face and driven him out that window into Slash’s waiting arms. Leo was beaten down with remorse and a heavy sadness Raph mistook for sympathy for his condition. He would give Raph anything he him for. Anything at all.  
Raph turns, and looks down at Leo, breathing hard through his nose. Some strange emotion pulsing through him he can’t quite place. He clenches and unclenches his fists…tries to find purchase in the sand and nearby foliage but finds none. And so reaches for Leo. Pulling him on top of him and kissing him, tongue pushing past his lips and into his mouth. Tasting the tea and oranges he’d had for breakfast that morning. The kiss is sloppy, and awkward. Tears of frustration and anger well into his eyes obscuring the view, but he makes it through. There are no more horrific visions. The quaking stops, and he and Leo are face to face, staring at one another through half-lidded eyes. Leo cupping Raph’s face with his hands, brushing away the occasional stray tear as the flow begins to ebb.  
“I love you”, Leo says, as he brushes his lips up and down his mates jawline.  
“Love you too.”  
Raph brings his arms down from Leo’s shoulder’s, wrap’s them comfortably around his middle and again brings their lips together. It’s slower, softer, sweeter, and they meld into it…into each other and the surrounding landscape with ease. As if there hadn’t been a single moment of lost time. Anxiety rears it’s ugly head when Leo’s hands begin to wander, and his lips and teeth tease  
the soft underside of Raph’s neck.  
Moans…whimpers…noises he doesn’t remember ever having made before slip from him as Leo works his way down and he can feel his tail slicking up already. Smacking around the inside of the pants he wears. He’d hoped it wouldn’t be so easy. That it would last. Make up for all the other missed opportunities. The nights he’d had to lie in bed and pretend not to notice Leo quietly relieving himself into his hand. But it is and it doesn’t, and the kisses Leo sprinkles over his chest and down his abdomen are like a kind of torture, worse than any of the little piddling ones Raph had doled out to his older brother in their teens. Restraining him and stepping on his cock. Burning him with the incense he lit for his meditation. Covering his beak and face-fucking him till he tapped—begging for air. Leo surprised him with his obvious enjoyment of it all. He liked having his limits tested, his abilities assessed and praised and when it came his turn, Raph had been more than ready to show his brother how strong he was.  
But Leo, then as now, wasn’t interested in giving him a challenge. At least not knowingly.  
Leo’s own tail curls around the back of his thigh and sticks there messily, tip of his cock already starting to slip out. He had been aroused ever since the beginning of their training session, presented with the vision of his mate all oiled and glistening in the Hawaiian sun. Golden eyes bright and flashing as they danced around one another in the sand. Raph occasionally smiling, looking out over the scenery… briefly distracted.  
It made Leo’s body ache to see him then, and it did so now as he worked his way down. Hands rubbing over the bridge of Raph’s shell. Teeth and tongue scraping over his plastron as Leo pulls the tie on his pants loose and works them part of the way down with his beak. Raph’s tail is swollen…the slit parted, and moist. Leaving behind streaks of wet, thumping its way around between his legs. He wastes no more time. Pushing Raph’s pant’s down the rest of the way, Leo nuzzles his inner thighs. Then sucks Raph’s tail slowly into his mouth.  
A pleased hum escapes Leo’s lips as he bobs his head up and down the length of his mates tail. He has such a rich, warm flavor. Sweet and spicy, making the pit of his stomach burn in that familiar, pleasant way. Raph’s thighs clamp tight around his head and the sound of the ocean—the screeching seagulls—the words that tumble out from as he rocks his hips gently upward into Leo’s mouth are muffled. He tries propping himself up on an elbow and reaching out to touch the top of Leo’s head…fingertips ghosting over the pale surge scar. Listing ineffectually off his own leg or Leo’s shoulder.  
Raph wanted to touch him. Needed to have him closer. In reach of his hands, and he manages finally, a moment later, to calm himself enough to let Leo go. To speak clearly when Leo looks up at him from between his between his legs. Lips shiny with his arousal. It wasn’t the way he wanted it to end—however much he enjoyed Leo’s expertise with his mouth. However guilty he might feel for taking his brother’s favorite thing away from him, he had to have it his way.  
He just needed to.  
“Take them off”, Raph pleads, yanking Leo up sharply by the arm. Expression much gentler, much softer than actions that follow it. He see’s Leo wince when he pulls him, but he doesn’t apologize, and Leo isn’t offended. He understands, smiles softly at him and wriggles his way out of the offending garments he wears.  
Raph’s thick arm’s wound around him immediately, pulling him back down into the sand, Leo countering, wrapping his arms around Raph’s neck. And their they lay for what seems a long time, Leo grinding his hips down into his husband’s. Mouth pressed to his ear, whispering all the things Raph had been to afraid to let him before.  
"I love you….”  
“I want you…”  
“I need you..”  
And Raph’s tails signals his acceptance of that need and his own, curling upward, wet enough that sand has started to stick and accumulate between the two of them. Leo unsheathes and it’s almost painful, the feel of Raph’s wet slit pressing hard against and he wants to pull away. Roll them onto their sides…draw it out for just a little while longer. But Raph’s grip is an iron one. And Leo’s will not so strong today as days past.   
“Please”, Raph says, and it’s more than Leo can take. Closing his eyes, he turns his face into the crook of Raph’s neck. Then pushes into him, shoulders quivering with the effort of maintaining himself. This is good. Better than good. It’s wonderful. Wonderful they could be this close again. Wonderful they could touch one another again without the other feeling anxious, afraid, or guilty about it.  
Whether it’s just a smooth patch in the track Leo doesn’t want to think about. Doesn’t consider as he gently rocks into his husband, the sand providing poor purchase. The granulated glass irritating his bare knees and Raph’s equally bare bottom, their wet tails and Leo’s exposed cock. Its too good to consider anything but each other, and they weep when they come. Squeezing each other so tight it leaves fingered bruises and bloody nail imprints.  
Hawaii, beautiful island it is is nothing more than a back drop. A scenic location for what for them is and has always been the main attraction.  
Each other.


	11. Make me Yours

_‘I want you…to brand me.’_

The words come back again, twisting his stomach into knots. He watches Don, scrutinizing his face for any sign of judgment as he hands him the slip of paper with the character on it.

“Can you make it?” Leo asks, not specifying the ‘it’. Donnie knew already what it was for, more than likely. He was a hard person to keep secrets from.

Don doesn’t smirk, smile, or even raise an eye ridge. He just stares down at the paper, tapping a finger to his lips, thinking.

“I can make it.”

He folds up the drawing and spins around in his chair, rolling himself over to his computer. The lab is on the messy side tonight. Empty coffee cups litter the work table. The sink is full of beakers, test-tubes, and other lab apparatuses in need of sanitization.

Leo closes his eyes and brings his thumb and forefinger up to pinch the bridge of his nose in an attempt to alleviate the pressure building in his head. More than eight hours ago he’d gotten a call from Jean, barking out the details of a homicide that had taken place, one that his partner had witnessed with his own eyes. He’d hardly been able to make out what he was saying; he was talking so fast, yelling so loud into the receiver—frantic.

_‘Leonardo—please! I need you to come! Please come now! She—! Her body! I don’t know what to do! I need you!’_

_‘Slow down! Where are you?!’_

_‘Five points! Mon dieu! Dépêchez, Leo!’_

He should never have answered. Never have gone down there.

There were uniforms everywhere when he arrived, cars pulled up onto the sidewalk for lack of space in the street, the entire area sectioned off by yellow tape. An ambulance was parked in front of the scene, lights flashing, EMS technicians crowded around what he was sure was the body.

He found Jean not far away, crying, tearing at his hair, stomping his feet, and clawing at the stubbly, pale skin of his neck.

_‘She is dead! She is dead—and it is my fault!’_

He grabbed him by the forearms and just held him in place, keeping his hands firmly down by his sides to stop the picking.

_‘Talk to me! Just tell me what happened!’_

An EMS, along with a policeman came over, somber looks on their faces.

_‘Detective Hamato…we’ve done the pronouncement. Would you please..?’_

_‘Yes. I’m coming. My partner needs medical attention. I believe he’s in shock.’_

Jean jerked away from him, shaking his greasy head in protest, lurching away from the touch of the EMS girl who, after looking, he realized looked a lot like the murder victim. Almost identical. Same hair color, same nose..

He pulls the blanket back the rest of the way to see the wound. The finishing blow. He tosses it back over her almost as soon as he removes it, a sickened, pained expression contorting his features, snatching away the stoic veneer he stretches over himself at work. The detective next to him, Bronson Mathers, reaches out and plants a hand on his shoulder.

_‘Who would do this?’_

It was both a question, and an exclamation.

_‘I’ve never seen anything like this..’_

Lucky you.

Leo swallows, slides his palm up and down his face in an attempt to soothe away the images, the memory of her, the feelings of fear and anger pulsing through him. He couldn’t afford to think about it right now. To think about her: That girl in the alleyway, her body a road map of torture, the initials ‘J.M’ burned into her shoulder, still warm to the touch when he’d slid a gloved finger over it.

“There’s more than one way,” comes Donatello’s voice from across the room, breaking him out and freeing him for the second time tonight.

It was he who was responsible for the autopsy report on the body. He knew pretty much what all was going on in Leo’s head right now. He didn’t really want to be here, but he didn’t want to go home either. Because if he went home, opened the door and saw Raph…Raph would the see the horribly guilty and conflicted look on his face. He’d know immediately what was wrong and respond in the usual fashion: cursing him out and breaking things.

Leo was forcing himself here to get this done: to have the iron made. Once it was made, he couldn’t go back. He’d have to do it. Just suck it up and do it. Let himself want it and be okay with it.

He props his chin in his hand, looking down at the shiny metal surface of the work table. More than one way. He knew that already. He knew everything there was to know about branding, about the different methods that could be applied, and the equipment alternatives.

“I don’t want to use the cauterizer. Or ice. Or anything else.”

Just fucking **make it.**

“Iron it is, then?”

“Yes.”

Donnie lifts up the cover on the scanner and slides Leo’s image under it, types in some things, and presses a few buttons. The rest of what happens Leo doesn’t follow. He gets up and leaves the lab, going out into the hall to pace, slapping his cheeks to keep himself awake for driving. He hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before, having had to run all over the city with Mathers looking for leads and information.

_‘I just don’t get it, Leonardo..’_

Everyone on the force, save for Jean and a few others, called him by his full name. Never just Leo.

_'Why would someone do that to that poor girl?’_

Because she wanted them to. Because she asked for it. Didn’t you see her face, Mathers? She was smiling. Lying on the ground dead and smiling. This isn’t a murder case—it’s a scene gone wrong. Horribly _wrong._

Leo stops, leans against the wall and presses his hands to his face once again, breathing deep.

Donatello exits a moment later, package in hand and gives it to him. It’s wrapped tight in brown paper and packing tape. Leo raises an eye ridge, looking from it to its maker. He tests the weight, pressing the pads of his fingers into the wide end of it to feel out the flat edges and curves of the design.

“It’s sound.” Donnie says, the words muffled by a yawn. He pulls off his glasses, bringing them down to clean them on the tail of his shirt. With them removed, Leo makes out the shadows and heavy bags under his brother’s eyes. He notes the crackle of veins spreading over his whites, almost touching the iris. He was tired too.

“You’ll only be able to heat it up once. After that, it can’t be used again.”

Like I can afford to mess up. Thanks for the tip, Don.

“Uh-huh. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Enjoy.”

He sticks the package under his arm and walks to the door, Donnie behind him with a key. He opens it once they’re there, stepping out of the way to let Leo out.

“One other thing.”

Leo turns, looking over his shoulder, face drawn, lips pursed.

“You aren’t going to have that look on your face when you do it, are you? You know he’ll hate it.”

=—————————————————————————-=

“Uh-uh, Fearless. Not yet. Open your eyes.”

Raphael’s spicy scent wafts over him and he sits up on his elbows, cracking his eyes open to see him crawling his way up his body, straddling his hips.

His skin is cool and clammy to the touch from being outside in the early morning air, taking Tessa to school. Upon seeing Leo’s car parked in the driveway, he’d wasted no time, not even taking off his jacket or hanging his keys on the rack before coming up.

Leo is tired. His breathing is slow and labored. He blinks up at his mate, mouth curling into a wry smile and ghosts his fingertips over the caps of Raphael’s jean covered knees.

“You didn’t kiss me last night before you left.”

His amber eyes pulse and flash in the dark, tracing the contours of Leonardo’s body, raising the temperature between them. He’s instantly less chilly, a little less damp.

“It was urgent. I had to get there fast.”

Sitting up is taxing. His arms shake with the effort of holding his weight. He’s not weak. He hasn’t let himself go. Leo is still strong, but strength means nothing when you’ve been up for more than twenty hours without sleep.

Leo flops back onto the pillows, yawning, smacking his lips. He slides his hands up over Raph’s thighs, peering down in between them at the dips and curves in the muscle, the little bump of his tail poking through the denim. The tops of Raph’s legs flex under his fingers and he applies pressure, palming the thick mass of delicious leg pinning him to the bed. Raph sits back, settling a little of his weight on Leo as he does, hands coming to rest just above Leo’s knees.

The leather stretched taught over his arms creaks with his movements. The front lapels spread open, revealing the scarred chest underneath, all the old wounds running up and down his plastron.

“So urgent I couldn’t get a quick peck?”

Leo’s head throbs, aches with the effort of holding his eyes open to stay locked on the piece of flesh underneath his hand. He squeezes Raph’s inner thigh, then moves slowly farther back in between his legs, rubbing over the bump that was his tail. He always picked the worst time to be sexy. Always. When he was exhausted or trying meditate or concentrate on something, Raph came out of the woodwork to be beautiful.

Did he know how he felt right now? Was that why he was doing this? Sitting on top of him giving him a perfect view of his intended mark?

'This one. This leg. This spot…right here,' he mouths silently, barely moving his lips. It was the unmarred one, the left, the one without the long burn scar running down it.

_‘I want you…to brand me.’_

And I’m going to. Right here. Where only you and I can see it.

Funny how quick things change. He hadn’t wanted to at all after seeing that girl’s body. Now he wanted it more than anything—wished with everything in him he had enough energy to get up do it _now_.

But alas.

“Raph, kiss me. I’ve been up for more than twenty hours. I haven’t slept. Haven’t eaten or drunk anything besides donuts and coffee. I don’t wanna play.”

“Who said I was playin’?” Raph answers, coming up onto his haunches, feet pressing into the mattress on either side of Leo.

He thumps his hand down on Leo’s upper plastron, jerking him out of the sleep he was falling into. Leo groans, struggles weakly underneath him and frosts him with the ugliest look he can muster in his beleaguered state. Nothing wants to work. Nothing wants to function.

“I thought you loved me.”

“I do.”

Raph slides his hand over Leo’s neck and curls his fingers over his throat. He turns his head to the left, then to the right. Leo’s hands on Raph’s thighs tighten and push upward again, stopping every inch or so to pinch skin.

“You aren’t actin’ like it,” Raphael pouts, squeezing his broad hand down hard across Leo’s throat for a few seconds before letting go and nodding towards the brown paper package denting the mattress on his side of the bed.

“That package for me?” Raph asks. Its purpose is clear, despite the camouflage.

The call for sleep is sounded once more, and again Leo heeds it, the throbbing in his head giving way to dizziness, lightheadedness. He feels heavy, like he’s been sloshing through deep mud all day.

“No, Leo. Open ‘em.”  Raph’s mouth pressed up against Leo’s ear. He moves from a crouch back to having his knees on either side of him. Leo’s tired. Raph knows. It’s in his breathing, his slow speech, and fluttering eyelids. He’s that way more often than not lately, due to his work. There have been a lot o’ deaths and crime the past couple of weeks.

“Is it for me?”

He kisses up the line of Leo’s jaw, pausing at the corner of his mouth, flicking his tongue over his bottom lip. Leo attempts to lift his head up, to try to give him the kiss, but he’s rebuffed with a rough push back down onto the pillow by his neck.

“Yes! It’s for you! Now kiss me, for fucks sake! Kiss me and let me sleep.”

It’s for me too. But mostly…it’s for you.

Raph would have preferred to hear him say it aloud, not just confirming what it was, but telling him what it would be used for. He wanted to grab it and rip the paper off, to look at what he was going to put on him. He opens his mouth to ask, to demand, but Leo’s fading, falling asleep again.

No you don’t, fucker. Not before I get my kiss.

He probably wouldn’t wake up until long after dinner was made and he’d picked up Tess from school. He was _not_ waiting another twelve hours.

Raph tightens his grip on Leo’s neck, pulls him up, and presses his mouth to his. The response he gets is much more enthusiastic than he expects. Leo’s arms drape loosely around his shoulders and his tongue comes out, meeting Raph half-way, tasting a little sour from all the bad coffee he’d no doubt been drinking.

When they part, Leo’s arms flop down beside him. Raph pushes off, looking down and shaking his head. His mouth hung open, a line of drool dripping its way down the side of his chin. He’d fallen asleep right in the middle, mouth going slack, head dropping down onto his shoulder.

“Night, babe.” Raphael says, patting Leo’s cheek affectionately, then slides himself the rest of the way off the bed.

Sleep. But when you wake up, I want answers.

=—————————————————————————-=

Raph is setting the table when Leo enters, yawning, his clothes wrinkled and in disarray. Tessa’s thin arms immediately wrap around his waist and he bends to pick her up. She’s in her pajamas already, her hair combed, braided, and smelling of rosewater. Her fluffy pink slippers slap against the sides of his shell. Tonight, she wears a shirt and pants ensemble covered in the smiling faces of the Care Bears, littered with stars and rainbows.

“Daddy! Did you sleep well? Was work nice?”

“I did. And it was okay. Thank you for asking. How was school?”

Heavy footsteps beat behind him and he moves out of the way to let G pass, watching as he flops down into his chair. He smiles sympathetically over Tessa’s shoulder. G nods in greeting, folding his arms over the table top and laying his head down. Training with their Father everyday takes a lot out of him, makes him more docile.

Raph doffs his apron and brings over the pot of steaming soup, setting it in the center of the table on a pot holder. Their eyes meet for a brief moment on Leo’s way to his chair, a questioning look on his husband’s face.

“Itsu?”

Leo sits down in his chair. Neither Tessa nor G mention the language switch; they’ve both learned that it signifies a private conversation. G learns bits and pieces of Japanese through his training with Master Splinter, but his knowledge primarily consists of “hajime” and “yame” and, of course, “hai, sensei”.

“Mayonaka ni.” He answers, leaning forward to ladle soup into his and Tessa’s matching clay bowls.

Raph nods.

Dinner goes the same way it always does. It starts off silent, everyone too hungry to speak, spooning food into their mouths to sate the gnawing ache. G finishes before everyone, sitting in his chair and holding his stomach, glaring sleepily at Leo, silently begging to be excused to his room to pass out.

No, G. We’re a family. You’re going to stay and talk to us.

Tessa initiates conversation, starting off as she typically does by telling a story about her friend Marcy. Marcy and me held hands. Marcy sure is pretty. Marcy is my best friend! She has the nicest hair and cute freckles like Uncle Mikey!

Leo and Raph exchange looks over the table as she talks. Raph grins, mouths the words, ‘I knew it,’ and Leo..Leo just stares down at his daughter, completely and totally surprised. Shocked. G looks from parent to parent and then at his sister, still prackeling on and on about how much she loves her friend and how pretty she is. He’s surprised too: Surprised they’re just now picking up on Tessa’s obvious lack of interest in boys.

_‘Where’ve you guys been?…’_

When she’s done praising Marcy, Tessa starts in on the rest of the family, asking them about their day.

G gives his usual answer, “I ain’t done shit. You know I ain’t done nothin’ besides get beat up by Grandpa and Pops! Why ya always gotta ask me first?!”

Leo kicks him under the table.

Raph’s answers are short and to the point. He and Leo have spent the majority of this dinner staring at one another, playing footsie aggressively under the table, giving each other sharp kicks and jabs. Raph wants it to be now. He finished his soup even before G and has been sitting, waiting, letting Leo go through the motions with the children as he was wont to do. Preserve his honor or whatever the fuck.

_‘Let’s get this show on the road, Fearless. Before your fucking phone rings again.’_

Tessa is in bed within the hour. G goes immediately after Raph stands up, pulling the pot away and jerking his head towards the kitchen door, the cue that dinner is over and he should excuse himself. _Now_. He tends to the dishes, then goes upstairs to find Leo. He intends to question, maybe tease a little, but he isn’t there.

There’s just a note on the bed, written in small, neat handwriting:

    Pureirumu. Middonaito. Jikan tori ni kite kudasai. – Leonardo

Why’d he write it in romaji? Raph shrugs, tromps around the room for a while. He knocks a few things over for entertainment value then heads back downstairs. It was 10:30. An hour and a half before midnight. He needed to find something to do with himself, something tedious and labor intensive to occupy his mind and his hands. An hour and a half wasn’t long enough for a skull-smashing expedition. It didn’t seem like a good time to bust out the fancy booze. Maybe after. Raph pushes open the door to the garage and kicks the tool chest housing all his ratchets, nuts, and bolts. The bottom drawer shoots out and he reaches in with a foot, pulling out a socket wrench. Bike work was tedious. Tedious and labor intensive and he enjoyed it. Like how he hoped Leo would enjoy this thing they were about to do.

He sits down in front of his bike, rubbing his palms together, looking over the piping visible on the outside. Checking for any wear and tear. The tires, the grips…

The night of Christmas party, the fight they’d had, was still fresh in his mind. Leo’s conflicted expression when he’d told him about this had made him reluctant to bring it up again, especially after what happened with Slash and the many months they’d spent after, avoiding one another physically. Or rather…him avoiding Leo physically. Leo had made it clear he was interested, that he wanted him desperately. He spent almost the whole trip to Hawaii scarfing down cake and staring at him. Giving him that look that made his skin crawl in a sexy and non-sexy way.

Sexy because he could see how bad he wanted it in his eyes. That was hot, really fucking hot to know someone burned and ached for him like that. Non-sexy for that same reason. Leo’s possessiveness of him sometimes…bordered. What part of all that would he see tonight when they met up? What would Leo’s eyes show him?

He hoped it’d be the first one. The one that burned and craved him. Raph’s teeth sink down into his bottom lip. His brow furrows and he pauses briefly, socket wrench mid-twist on a particularly stubborn bolt as he remembers the beach in Honolulu. He closes his eyes and he can feel Leo’s hands roaming all over him, touching everything. He can see the fire in Leo’s eyes, no longer smoldering, but raging, burning him, melding them together.

Raph’s tail wags slowly from side to side, scraping uncomfortably against the inside fabric of his jeans.

“Shit…I hope he wants to fuck first.”

  


=—————————————————————————-=

Ten minutes.

Leo opens his eyes, and leans down over the table to cup his hand around the flame of a candle.

One by one, he blows them out, the swirls of smoke rising up into the recesses of the shed, his and Raphael’s impromptu playroom. The incense he leaves burning, standing up to stretch and inspect. The space is completely transformed from what it used to be. It had served as a storage house for all the things they couldn’t and didn’t want to put in the basement, old appliances that no longer worked they kept saying they would send to Donnie, lawn equipment, all of Leo and Raph’s spare weapons; There were more boxes and bags marked ‘Sharp’ than anything else, the tips of the numerous swords and knives they both owned poking out of the sides of their containers.

In the place of those things now were their personal fun-time objects. The work table that’d once just been used to stack junk on top of was shortened, the surface cleaned, sanded and re-varnished into a chabudai for Leo’s meditation candles. The tatami mats they’d moved from the basement to here made for a much more comfortable and less splintery walking surface. They strung lanterns along the wall as a source of light, none of which were ever all lit at the same time. Other than that, there was only Raphael’s punching bag, which hung in the far upper left corner. That and the old wooden steamer trunk they housed all their toys in.

Speaking of toys…

Leo walks to the back, and peers inside the newest addition to the décor: A home-made industrial oven. The iron was already stuck inside, design end pressed almost to the back. He reaches out and fiddles with the piping at the end of the metal cylinder, looks around inside for any dents or dings that weren’t there before, then he checks the gas tank to make sure the nozzle on top is still has the right amount give and pull when he turns it.

No hissing. No leaks. Which meant there’d be no explosions.

In the center of the room was a recliner, dark red in color, already pushed back supine, an extra pillow on the head rest. Next to it is an end table from the living room he’d brought in a little while ago. The first-aid kit sits on it, open and ready. A large metal bucket filled with water is on the other side.

Five minutes.

Leo sighs, pacing the area, back and forth, around and around, reaching to turn on the gas on his fourth revolution, igniting the torch with a match. Flame spits forth out the cylinder, embers flicking up towards his face before calming, settling into a steady hot stream. It’s loud. It sounds like a jet engine to Leo, juxtaposed against the silence of the room.

He looks towards the end of the iron, watching through the smoke as the metal heats, slowly changing color from black to bright blazing orange. Leo is dressed down, work clothes gone, wearing nothing but his shell and a pair of blue gym pants with white socks. He had tons of socks, bought and knitted for him by Tessa and Raph. Tessa because she was a special child and worried his feet would catch cold. Raph because he liked knitting and giving him things.

Leo inclines his head, listening past the sound of the roaring fire. Footsteps.

Three minutes. You’re early.

I like that.

Raph stands in the center of the room, eyes focused on Leo and the image he presents standing there so close to that..whatever it is, wrapped in a halo of flickering light. He smiles. It’s a gentle smile and it’s not what Raph expects, or what he’d imagined but he accepts it and returns it. Leo nods in the direction of the chair and Raph makes his way to it, sitting on the edge and scooting back until he’s level with the head rest, pulling the proffered pillow underneath his neck.

He can feel the heat from the stove all the way over here. He can feel it in Leo’s hands when he brings them to bear on his neck, sliding them down over his upper plastron, and back up again to cup under his chin. Leo lays his forehead on his, eyes closed for a long moment, breathing. Raph angles his head, moving it to the side, brushing Leo’s cheek with his own.

What was he thinking about? The smile meant he wanted to do it, right? He didn’t close his eyes because he was hiding, right?

Raph squirms. Leo’s breath blows over his face, warm, smelling sweet and floral, like the tea he’d drunk at dinner. This was much less aggressive than he’d imagined it would be. Which wasn’t a bad thing, but he wasn’t sure if it was good either. He couldn’t tell what was going through Leo’s head, couldn’t see in his eyes what he was thinking and feeling because he had them fucking closed.

He reaches his hands up and plants them on either side of Leo’s face, which gets his attention but doesn’t make him move, doesn’t get him to speak or open his eyes. Leo’s lips twitch a bit, his short eyelashes flicker and nothing else happens. Raph slides his hands down to the back of his neck, arms stretched, only able to grip with his fingertips, and pulls on his head, bringing him down to press their lips together, to taste the tea…maybe feel the fire.

Leo’s tongue comes out to meet his, licking over his nose before finding its way down inside his mouth. Kissing upside down is awkward. So is having your eyes open when you’re doing it. After a few seconds, Raphael stops looking for flames and closes his eyes, crushing his mouth against Leo’s. It’s there in the way Leo’s nails scrape slowly up and down his neck, the way he pulls back to nip his top lip, sometimes gentle, sometimes not, never opening his eyes.

‘I want you to feel it…not just see it. I love you. I _want_ to give you this.’

Sweat beads on Leo’s forehead, on the backs of his arms from the heat radiating out from the blazing oven, the roar of the flame blocking out the wet smacks of their heavy kissing, Raphael’s growling and occasional pleading. Leo sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down hard, splitting it. He sucks on the bloody little cut made by his teeth. As he does, his fingers move, rubbing tenderly over the back of Raph’s neck to his shoulders. Raph’s body sags into the touch, a sigh of pleasure escaping his lips as Leo massages him. Leo watches, lets him relax, then shifts his hands. He pinches hard, jabbing into Raphael’s neck with strong and precise fingers.

He pulls back to survey the damage he’s done, gentle smile having long since been replaced with a smirk. Raph looks up at him, teeth gritted, a purple flush staining him from the neck down. The bites on his lips are leaking still, beginning to swell. His fists are clenched on the tops of his thighs, nails digging into the skin of his palms.

“Mad?”

“Yeah, I’m mad! You cheated! You’re not supposed to use pressure points!”

“I never agreed to follow that rule.”

“Fucking _stop_!”

Leo moves his fingers from underneath Raph’s chin, releasing the hold he’d had on his mandibular angle. He swallows the shit eating grin on his face and steps and back a couple of paces, out of reach of Raph’s hands, which immediately reach up for his neck when he lets go.

“I thought it’d be sexy.” He says.

“You thought I’d like not being able to move my body?!”

“When I tie you up you can’t move either.”

“Take off your fucking pants!”

“No, Raph.”

“Why not?!”

He’s up on his hands and knees now, grasping the back of the chair, golden eyes flashing, chest heaving. In answer, Leo motions back towards the still roaring oven where the brand waits, white hot in its metal holder.

“Lie back down for me. Okay?”

Raph complies, but makes an unnecessary amount of noise as he does so, rocking the chair and knocking into the end table holding the medical supplies.

Leo turns, walks towards the oven and pulls a glove out of his back pocket, slipping it onto his hand. He shields his face with his other hand as he nears, reaching to grasp the handle of the iron. Sliding it out of its holster, he moves back away from the oven, slamming down the covering. It lowers the temperature in the room instantly. He bends, making sure to keep the iron from touching the floor, and winds down the valve on the gas tank.

Raph listens from his chair. It seems it takes an eternity for Leo to finally come back, to round the chair into his view. Leo doesn’t look at him. He looks down at the end of the brand at the symbol, the word he chose. Raph looks too, and finds himself surprised at what he sees.

It’s the kanji for Lion. Cliché, but surprising. He hadn’t figured Leo for the type to enjoy insensible romanticism, but apparently he was wrong and the proof of it was about to be burned into him. All this time he’d been imagining what it could be he’d never once thought of that, those three simple symbols. Leo wasn’t a simple person. When he thought of Leo, he didn’t think of thirteen strokes of ink, of flower arrangements featuring only three types of flowers and a piece of long grass. He thought of all the complicated meanings behind those things. The empty space in between the flowers, the accents and subtle curves of the symbols that had to be painted just right or you’d end up sending the wrong message.

Leo paces back and forth in front of the chair, eyes on Raph now, willing the piece of iron in his hand to cool faster. Raph looks away, lifting his left leg up over the arm of the recliner to reveal the open empty space on his thigh. Leo runs his tongue over his teeth, making out the muscles beneath, quivering in anticipation.

That was where he wanted it.

That’s where I want it too. Good guess, Raph.

The color of the iron fades slowly as it cools, from neon white to dark orange then pale red. Leo presses down on the foot rest of the chair, bringing Raph to an upright position. He kneels down in between his legs, holding the iron up. Raph alternates between holding his breath and quick, hitching movements of his chest. He looks over the room, Leo’s chabudai, the familiar mats, their toy chest, and finally his eyes focus on the punching bag in the corner. His expression hazes slightly as Leo nuzzles against his leg, pressing his lips to the offered canvas, the spot waiting for his mark.

“Raph. Look at me.”

He does so, flinching slightly at the sight of the glowing metal. It’s not even remotely the same thing, the same situation, the same person, but he has the reaction anyway. He feels the ripple of fear as Leo lowers the hot iron down towards his leg, pressing it to his skin. Leo’s eyes never stray, never turn from him, but instead stare up into Raph’s face, into his eyes, and he sees it: the smolder ignited, the fire blazing.

It hurts, but the searing heat of metal to flesh does not last long. Leo pulls away almost as fast as he moved in, sinking the iron down into the bucket of water on the adjacent side of the chair. Steam rises, the water bubbles and he releases the handle, coming around to tend to the fresh wound in Raph’s leg. His new mark.

‘Lion.’

Raph laughs breathlessly. “You corny fucker.”

Leo smiles, just a slight upturn of his lips as he fusses with the first aid kit. “Does it hurt?”

“Yeah,” Raph answers honestly, staring down at Leo with a bright and eager expression, “Hurts.” He sounds awfully pleased by that assessment. And, he is. He had expected the pain and welcomes it, relishing the unrelenting throb of Leo’s claim on him. It was undeniable now, the evidence of their staunch devotion to one another burned into Raph’s skin. Forever. The rest of his life. It would heal, but it would never disappear.

Never.

Remember that, Leo? 

Leo’s eyes lower as he dabs cream around the edges of the brand, soothing the burn a bit. It’s still pulsing and Raph is sure that it will ache for the next few days. The ointment helps, and it’s a bearable yet unignorable pain. Raph watches Leo as he drops kisses on his thigh, his knee, careful not to come close to the mark. It’s grotesque, the brand. The skin is singed and aggravated, reddened and flaking, and Raph’s stomach clenches reflexively at the sight of it. He knows it won’t look like something out of a horror flick forever, but for right now he is grateful when Leo places a few sterile pads of gauze over the brand and wraps a roll of bandage around his thick thigh, hiding the mark from view.

“Lie back down,” Leo commands softly, easing the chair back into the reclined position. “Don’t move. Leave your leg like that.” He adds hastily, because Raphael was already moving, already starting to pull his leg back over the arm of the chair. It was important that he stay still, as still as possible for as long as possible, and not let anything even brush the healing wound. He’d damage it, ruin it, and Leo didn’t want that. Couldn’t stand the thought of it.

The pillow feels lumpy beneath his neck, and Raph lays back and fidgets over the chair. The room is hot, uncomfortably warm, and the leather is sticking to his flushed skin. The burn is throbbing through his body, sending fire shooting up his veins to spread through his nervous system. He tosses his head a bit, wanting to get out of the shed, to move to their bedroom, but Leo had told him to stay there, to stay in the chair, to keep his thigh up and exposed. Years of being together had eased the contention between them, and sometimes Raph didn’t mind doing what Leo told him, even if he would have preferred it to be asked of him. This was one of those times, mostly, and he knew it was important to listen to Leo right now. Not just because Leo had surely learned everything he could about marking him and about the proper care that would need to follow, but because of the emotional implications of the situation. Raph had asked for this, and Leo had given it to him, so Raph would give him obedience in return. For the moment, anyway.

“Leo,” Raph grumbles, word hitching in a slight whine, “It’s hot. I’m hot.”

“Here,” Leo fishes in the first aid kit and pulls out an instant cool pack. The crack of the pack is loud against the quiet room as Leo activates the gel inside and hands it up to Raph. “Put this under your neck.”

He watches with a fond smile as Raph takes the pack and shoves it under his neck, tossing the pillow to the floor. His hands brush over Raph’s thighs, again careful not to come too close to the brand. The legs twitch in response, hard muscle sliding underneath Leo’s fingers. Beautiful. Perfect.

Leo drops his head, pressing a kiss against Raph’s left thigh. He begins at the knee and kisses, pushing onto his knees to lean over his mate’s body. He drags his tongue over the quivering flesh, all the way up to Raph’s shell. He reverses the treatment, head dragging along the hard lines of Raph’s thigh, all the way down to the bent knee. Raph is trembling, breathing hard, and Leo can both hear and feel it in the stillness of the dim room. Raph was listening, though. He wasn’t trying to get up, wasn’t trying to push Leo onto the floor and straddle him, wasn’t surging forward and tilting Leo’s head back to angle his tongue down his throat. He was just waiting, restlessly and with a moderate amount of fidgeting, for whatever it was that Leo was going to give him.

Everything. That is what Leo wants to give Raph. Absolutely everything. The brand is symbolic of that, and he hopes Raph realizes that he is not only marking Raph as his, unquestionably _his_ and no one else’s _,_ but giving himself to Raph with the subtle bowing of his head, the gentle ghosting of his hands over those muscles, the care and time he had put into making this a reality because Raph had asked it of him. Raph would know now, beyond the lingering doubt of his darker emotions, the insidious self-loathing and guilt he carries still, that Leo wants him. Needs him. Loves him.  A flush stains Leo’s cheeks and he decides not to give voice to his sappier thoughts.

Instead, he pulls to a standing position and discards his pants and socks to the floor before getting down on his knees in front of the recliner. There are really only a few options available to them, and most of them put Raph face down into the bed, the floor, the chair, wherever, and Leo doesn’t want that. Not right now. He wants to look at him, see his face and his golden eyes flashing in the darkness, watch the expressions crest and break over his face when Leo fucks him. Raph is ready to go; he’s been ready, his tail thrashing back and forth between his legs, thumping loudly against the recliner. The movement and noise are impossible to ignore, insistent, demanding. Leo smirks; just like Raph.

The leg is Leo’s first priority, and he lifts Raph by the calf, placing Raph’s ankle over his shoulder, sliding him down across the recliner until the curve of his ass bumps against Leo’s lower plastron. The brand is exposed, Raph’s left thigh still stretched out over the arm of the chair, well away from any other bit of skin. Leo can easily see it, monitor it, adjust their bodies as and if needed to keep it safe. He reaches a hand down between them, stroking his wide palm over Raph’s tail. He is rewarded with a deep moan, the noise rumbling through their entwined bodies, as Raph unsheathes into Leo’s waiting hand. He maneuvers his hand over the thick shaft a few times, enjoying the feel of pulsing veins underneath his fingertips, stroking from the base all the way up to the pointed head. Raph groans and shivers beneath him, eyes hooded, body trembling with the effort of holding still.

More often than not, they are rough with one another. Leo has no desire to be so now, and he fishes around inside the first aid kit until he unearths the small bottle of lubricant he’d stuck in there earlier. He uncaps it with one hand and pours out a generous amount, rubbing it between his fingers to slick them before leaning and pressing a thick digit against Raph’s entrance.

Raph liked this a lot; being fingered. Leo wasn’t sure why that was, exactly, but he had no complaints and he didn’t mind giving it to Raph, giving him exactly what he wanted, the things his body asked for when his mouth stalled. Raph’s mouth wasn’t good at saying ‘please’ but his body was. His body arched and begged and contorted underneath Leo’s careful ministrations, and Leo rewarded it for that. He presses his finger in deeply, savoring the loud gasps and moans falling from Raph’s lips, drinking in the tremble of his legs and the hitch of his breath. He pushes in further, allowing Raph to adjust and relax before he adds the other finger and curls his hand inside of Raphael, feeling out his body, rubbing purposefully against his sweet spots, the ones that made him moan and that Leo could use to make Raph come, just from this, if he put in the effort.

That isn’t what Leo wants tonight, however. He withdraws his fingers to the sound of Raph’s soft whimper and strokes his slick hand over his own hard length. Tonight, he wants to fuck him. He wants to take him, slowly and thoroughly, to come deep inside of him, lay his claim to the inside of Raphael’s body as well as the outside of it.

Raph’s head falls back as Leo angles himself and pushes into his ready body, a loud churr echoing through the room. It catches Leo off guard; Leo, himself, has never been able to make the noise and Raph usually didn’t, probably because he suspected it made Leo feel bad. It did, to a point, because he wanted to be able to share this experience with his mate, to churr at him and hear Raphael return the call. He couldn’t, but that didn’t mean that he was blind to what it meant, and Raph’s whining churr shoots electricity through his body, speeds his hips, makes him moan as he fucks Raph deeper.

The thighs spread in front of him were twitching madly and Raph reaches down, hand open to grab his own dick and stroke it. Leo bats his hand away and Raph lifts his head, glaring up at him with irritated surprise. Leo smirks at him and wraps his own hand around Raph’s cock, relishing the way his eyes widen and his head falls back against the chair.

His grip is tight but his movements slow, impossibly slow in comparison to the hard, deep fucking he is giving Raphael. The softness undoes him, makes Raph quake and whimper, whine and beg as Leo jacks him off. He’s getting close already, Leo can tell, can feel it in the tightening of his body and hear it in the upward hitch of his screams. He smiles; Raph was a joy to fuck, to give pleasure to, because he was so reactionary. Every touch yielded a response, an arch of his body, a loud cry ringing out against the night. Praising Leo without words for the way he handled his body, the way he made him scream and sweat and come breathlessly.

“Leo, I – ah, fuck. Fuck!”

Leo’s there too, right with him, and he bends over Raph’s body, biting his own lip as he reaches his climax in a much quieter fashion than Raphael. The room spins, the heat dizzying, and he grips the chair for support as he angles his hips back, pulling his spent cock out of Raph, watching as little drips of come trickle lewdly out of his body.

It takes a long moment of heavy breathing before either can speak again but, when they do, it is Raph that breaks the silence.

“I love you,” He says, his leg still up on Leo’s shoulder. Leo turns his head and presses a kiss to it.

“I know you do,” is the response. “I love you too. More than anything.”

Raph chuckles and shifts, bringing his leg back down to the chair. His eyes turn to the bandages which cover his healing mark. He traces his fingers over the top edge of the wrappings, a look of contemplation and contention etched over his features.

“Guess that’s it, then,” He murmurs as he fingers the bandages, “I’m yours now.”

Leo’s laughter rings out in the room, neither mocking nor condescending, but a noise of genuine amusement, laced with affection. He smiles as he stands and comes back to the head of the recliner so that he can lean over and give Raph a barrage of messy, upside down kisses.

“Raphie, baby … you already were. You always have been. Always will be. Now you just have the mark to show it.” 

Raph considers this, the defensiveness that had spiked in him at Leo’s chuckles dying down, and he laughs himself, against Leo’s lips. He was right, damn him. He was usually right but Raph finds that, in this specific context, he’s glad of it.

“Huh. Guess so. You’re mine too.”

Again, Leo smiles and chuckles.

“Yeah, I know. Always have been. Always will be.”

  



	12. Kinds of Hurt

Raphael had been gone for exactly 2 weeks, 1 day, 17 hours, and 9 minutes when Leonardo heard the garage door open and shut quietly down the hallway of their modest home. He heard the soft padding of feet on the floorboards, exercising care to be quiet. Using that stealth training for once. It didn't matter; Leo could hear him. He knew he was there; knew he had finally come home.

 

He was moving through the kitchen, coming to let himself into the small half-bathroom downstairs. The water ran; he was cleaning himself. Probably washing off blood and grit and the evidence of his violent vacation before sneaking into the bedroom, hoping Leo was out for work or too happy that he had come home _finally_ to be upset.

 

Yeah, that wasn't what was going to happen.

 

The water shut off and Raph came out, prowling through the living room towards the stairs that would carry him to their bedroom. Leo regarded him; he didn't seem terribly injured. He wore nothing save for his gear and weapons and a collection of new bruises. There was a deep cut over his face, stretching from under his left eye almost to his lips, and Leo's mouth twisted into a scowl; it would scar.

 

Dammit.

 

Raph just had to do this. Had to leave for weeks at a time with nothing but a fucking note and then come back beat black and blue with a mark on his face. A mark that Leo would look at every day now and know someone had hurt him, and Leo hadn't been there. Hadn't known where he was, how it happened, would not have been able to do anything if that blade had kept going, over his lips, across his throat … That would have just been it. Raphael drowning in a puddle of his own blood, and Leo wouldn't be any wiser for it. Did Raphael even consider that when he went gallivanting off to do whatever the fuck it was he had been doing? Ever think about his family?

 

No. He didn't think. He just did. Just acted. Leonardo loved it about him, the energy, the lack of hesitation, the fucking _life_ that poured from Raphael, exploded from his being, but at the same time he hated it. It made him reckless and careless, with no regard to preserving his own life. He was going to get killed one day because of it, and Leo couldn't handle that thought. That knowledge. The inevitable truth of it. He didn't want to lose Raph because he was too fucking stupid to care. Leonardo trusted Raphael with his life; what he did not trust Raph with was his _own_ life.

 

He'd taken to sitting in the living room through the nights. Sometimes he fell asleep in his armchair, still sitting, body suspended but unable to quite rest as the noises and movements penetrated his consciousness, filled his uneasy dreams. Mostly, though, he just waited in the darkness, body attuned to the subtle changes of the house. He heard various noises, felt shifts in wind and temperature, and heard Tessa turn over in her bed upstairs.

 

Raph's eyes gleamed in the darkness, the golden orbs picking up any glimmer of light and throwing it back. They roved the room in a cursory glance as he moved towards the stairs, and Leonardo realized that Raph didn't see him, didn't notice he was there, sitting in the darkness. Leo almost groaned; he really was going to get killed one day.

 

“Welcome home.”

 

His entire body jerked, not a subtle motion like Leo might exhibit if startled. Raph did not move in subtleties and Leo couldn't keep the smirk from his face at the way Raph started, head swiveling, eyes straining through the darkness to make out Leonardo. The surprise spreading across his features gave Leo a sense of shallow satisfaction, as he reached up to flick on the lamp beside him, bathing the room with a circle of dim yellow light.

 

“Hey.” Raph responded. His tone was careful, measured. He wasn't sure if Leo was upset yet or not. He was; he was incredibly upset with Raphael for his foolishly rash behavior, but he didn't let it show. He kept his posture easy, his muscles relaxed, face blank and impassive.

 

“Have fun?”

 

“Some, yeah.”

 

Leonardo's eyes narrowed just barely. He was sure. No other emotion was shown as he climbed to his feet, ambled towards the kitchen and the door that led to their backyard and their shed.

 

“Let's go.”

 

Raphael followed, probably thinking that Leo wanted to spar. That's what they did a lot, when one was frustrated with the other. It was perhaps not the healthiest method of stress relief, of conflict resolution, but it was a method that Leo and Raph used often. Yell at each other, smack one another around, then fuck. Not tonight, though. Leonardo said nothing, gave no indication for Raph to think otherwise, but that was not what was going to happen.

 

He was never going to learn. Raphael was going to do this forever. Say he cared about Leo's emotional health, then do shit like this, leave him worrying and scratching his wrists raw without a clue as to where Raph was, whether or not he was safe. Raph would come back, he'd say he was sorry, and then a couple weeks, months, years later he would do it again.

 

The shed had been converted to a playroom and training space the previous year, since they no longer used their basement often. Leonardo did not turn on the light, did not light a candle upon their entrance. He just turned to face Raph. He was easy to read; eager for the fight, eager for the fucking that would inevitable happen. Goddammit. He was never going to learn.

 

Raph moved first, always impatient, always ready to go. Leonardo dodged easily, but there wasn't a ton of maneuvering room in the shed. That was alright; there didn't need to be. Leo had a plan. This fight wasn't going to last very long.

 

He let Raph throw a few hits, one grazing his cheek before he decided that was enough. Leo ducked, rolled, and came behind Raph in a crouch. He threw out a quick kick to the back of Raph's right knee then swept, knocking him back onto his shell.

 

Leo was on top of him immediately. In a contest of grappling, Raph would always win. Leo didn't have the physical strength to restrain him for more than a few seconds if it was a matter of brute force. That wasn't what he was going for, though, and Leo straddled Raph's shell. Raph wasn't fighting back as hard as he could; he thought Leo was going to fuck him.

 

Think again, babe. You're going to fucking listen. For once in your life.

 

Donatello was an understanding brother, and he'd welded rings into the floor of the playroom for them. Leo had placed chains through them days previous, restraints fixed onto their ends. Leo reached down, pinching Raph's _brachial_ plexus with one hand while using the other to grab a leather cuff and fix it tightly around a wrist.

 

Raph was bucking underneath him, trying to throw Leo off, but Leo was ready. He adapted to the motion, flowed with it rather than against, and got the second wrist restraint on. That done, he moved off, going over Raph's head rather than back, avoiding the strong legs that were still free.

 

But not for long. There were a lot of choices. The wrist restraints wouldn't hold Raph forever. He could rip out of them eventually, if he tried long enough. But he wasn't fighting as hard as he could. He still thought he was going to get fucked. Well, he was going to be fucked. Just not in the way he anticipated.

 

Leo took his time now that Raphael was restrained. He pawed through the toys they owned, turning restraints over in his hands, evaluating the various methods of confinement he could employ. He decided on a metal spreader bar. Each end would clamp over Raph's ankles and he could chain the bar itself to the floor to keep him from moving too much.

 

The approach was careful; he didn't want to get kicked in the jaw by one of those powerful legs. But Raph didn't struggle as Leo fixed the bar onto his legs and pushed him up onto his knees, then chained it to the floor. Leo sat back on his heels to examine his handiwork.

 

Raph's arm span was spread as wide as it could be, each arm out straight and attached to the chains. He was up on his knees, plastron down, tail in the air. His knees were about shoulder length apart, and Leo regarded him with a cold gaze.

 

“You look good on your knees.”

 

It was inflammatory by design, and he was rewarded to see Raph strain against the chains. They moved, clinked, but did not give. Raphael could not move more than an inch in any direction, could not drop his hips, move his arms, put his legs together. Good.

 

“I should just leave you like this. Might be the only way to keep you home.”

 

“Fuck you, Leo!”

 

Not tonight.

 

There were other things in their play chest. Some things designed for pleasure but most for pain and restraint. That was just how it was. Leo fished through it; he knew what he was looking for his time. He knew Raph wasn't going to like it. Tough. Leo hadn't liked waiting up every night for two weeks, wondering if he was dead or alive.

 

Getting the ball gag into Raph's mouth might be a challenge, and Leo once again approached with trepidation. His head could still lift, his jaw could still open, and he knew Raph wasn't above biting him if he got too close. Rather than fight, Leo just jabbed Raph in a pressure point again, taking the moment to push the ball into his mouth and fasten the leather straps behind his head.

 

Perfect. No smart mouth to worry about. No back talking and cussing and ridiculous defenses for his reprehensible disregard for his own safety and for Leo's sanity.

 

“You always do this.” Leo remarked quietly, not explaining what it was that Raphael always did.

 

Raph didn't know what he meant. There were a lot of things he always did that pissed Leo off, and Leo needed to be a little more specific about what exactly he was referencing. He tried to ask, but the gag in his mouth cut off any words, silenced any questions. Which, he now realized, was what Leo wanted.

 

He couldn't turn his head much, couldn't see behind him. Leo didn't seem to be moving. He couldn't hear him, but that didn't mean he wasn't moving. But he couldn't feel him, and Raph trusted that sense more, believed that he was still.

 

“I can't believe you just disappeared with nothing but a note.”

 

SMACK.

 

Raph yelped, twitched, pushed forward away from the hand swinging down over the backs of his thighs.

 

SMACK. SMACK.

 

Raph's thighs were quivering as he bit down on the gag, a little dribble of spit trailing down his chin. His eyes were glazed, half-lidded, and his tail was sliding side to side over his thighs. He was enjoying this. This wasn't so different from their typical foreplay, and Raph still thought this was going to end the way it usually did. But not tonight. Not after 2 weeks of worrying. But he wasn't going to tell Raph that. Let him think what he thought. He'd slowly figure it out, and Leo eagerly anticipated the gratification that would come from seeing those cogs turn, watching Raph slowly realize that all he was getting tonight was an earful and a black-and-blue ass.

 

SMACK.

 

“You don’t listen to anything I ever tell you do you? You don’t _think_!”

 

Leo’s shadow extended over Raph, a long black sliver over the floor, bending at the angle where ground meets wall. He watched as Leo raised his hand once again to strike and, on the swing down, shut his eyes, tensed his body in preparation for the next blow. He felt, instead, fingernails scraping their way lightly over his hot, stinging skin. Raph shook his head back and forth, breathing beginning to pick up, trying in vain to make himself heard through the gag, adding nothing to the dialogue but garbled, unintelligible protests.

 

Teasing. Always with the goddamn teasing. He could never just get to the point.

 

The rhythmic side to side motion of Raph’s tail slowed. Every second that passed that he wasn't struck made him more nervous. The stinging, and pain gradually began to subside, replaced by the unsettling feeling of Leo’s nails dragging up and down the backs of his legs. Over and over again he swiped over the tender flesh, ranging in pressure and speed of motion. Sometimes it felt like they’re not even there. Other times, he pressed in; right at the spot where leg turned to shell and really dug in, hands hooked into Raph like claws. Then they pulled out and coursed their way lightly down him again to the ultra-sensitive spot at the back of his knees.

 

His body suffered occasional fits of shivers, his nerves pushed to the edge. This isn’t a tease. Leo isn’t trying to ready him for anything-- anything except more pain. The cuts from Leo’s nails beaded blood and throbbed painfully. Raph's thighs trembled and shook with the pressure and pain of the nails cutting into him. Leo was angry.

 

The nails lightly scouring him came to a stop, and for a long while Leo just held him, pressing his palms firmly into the backs of his legs. Raph wriggled, tried to turn his head so he could look over his shoulder at Leo to try to convey his message, eyes burning with the emotion so commonplace in him, shining with yet unshed tears. The face that peered back at him was the same one as before. Cold. Yielding nothing. No indication of what he might be thinking or feeling, besides the obvious. Even his eyes, the most expressive part of him, were dulled. Not the soft, chocolate brown he was used to.

 

‘Leo, I get it! I’m sorry!’, he yelled over the gag in his mouth, the words muffled, unintelligible. But Leo gets the jist, shaking his head slowly side to side.

 

“You _don’t_ get it. You don’t get _anything_. _I asked you_! Before you left here—to talk to me about what your plans were! You can’t do one sensible thing I ask you to do!”

 

‘Don’t say that! I ain’t no fuckin’ kid! It’s your fault! I can’t talk to you about _anything_! Every time I do you freak and break out in a rash! I just didn’t wanna worry you!’

 

Spit sprayed from the perforated holes in the ball, dribbled down his chin, the chains and restraints rattling, groaning with the effort holding a newly invigorated Raph in place. Focused on trying to get free, he missed the change in expression on Leo’s face. The curl of his lip, the angry flashing of teeth in the dim light. He raised his hands up off of Raph’s legs, lifting them high, and out of the corner of his eye Raphael saw the streak of shadow descend down upon him, a loud ‘ _pawp’_ echoing off the walls as Leonardo’s hands slam down full force on the backs of his thighs once again.

 

Raph lurched at the sudden contact, body stiffening, a long drawn out howl of pain escaping him. His eyes, unable to hold back any longer, let loose the stream of tears he’d been trying so hard to keep at bay.

 

“Did it ever occur to you that doing what you did might possibly just make things worse?! Leaving without giving me a clue as to where you’re going or how long you’ll be gone? Nothing but a note?!”

 

Leo’s fingers curled again, digging into the skin, drawing more blood, wrenching violently downward. Red, jagged lines are left in their wake, streaking down, stark against the darker green skin. Raph’s ankles jerk against the restraints, cold metal biting, a reflexive response to the vicious treatment.

 

‘Leo, stop! Stop-- you’re hurtin’ me!’

 

“That’s the point.”

 

So this was some kinda payback, then? For just leaving a note? This wasn’t fair! He tried! He made an attempt! It wasn’t like he’d had bad intentions! He’d left to try to do something _good_! To help Leo! And here he had him tied down, beating him and fussing in his ear about all his wrong doings like a member of the Inquisition. If he’d hesitated— _talked_ to him about it like Leo wanted all that would have happened was he’d have told him he didn’t want him to do it. Told him no just like always! And then he’d have had to stay home. Wait until he stopped watching. Wait for him to step his paranoid ass _back_ so he could meet Trax and do what he had to do.

 

Something popped in Raph’s brain, dashing the sprinkling of remorse he’d started to feel in the beginning when all this had started. It burned away the last vestiges of lust, tail retreating sharply in between his legs when Leo comes down on him again, giving firm open palm slaps to his backside.

 

‘Fuck you, Leo! You asshole! Arrogant piece of shit! Fuck _you_! See if I ever let you tie me up again! I get outta here and I’m gonna clobber you! Beat you to _paste_ and spread you on my mornin’ toas---OWWWW!’

 

Leo pinched him, twisting and pulling back hard on the abused flesh, skin bunching and bleeding freshly in between his fingers. He didn’t catch it all this time. Couldn’t discern the words being screamed at him, though he was pretty sure it was mostly a ream of profanity. Leo held fast to the scarred, seeping legs under him. Five seconds. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty, squeezing harder on each count of five and then releasing, letting go completely at thirty seconds.

 

Leo settled back, getting up on his feet and crouches over Raph. Admiring his handiwork: the angry, swollen scratches, the surrounding purple and blue bruises. He wouldn’t be able to sit comfortably for a long time. Some of the marks, the ones set in deeper than the rest, might scar. But that was okay. No one would be looking at his rear end save for him anyway. Except maybe Casey. Or Traximus. But he was light-years away. And Casey was…married, though his commitment to the arrangement could be called into question sometimes.

 

Raph was quiet now, save for the occasional sniffle, and when he thought it okay to do so, he reached behind his head and unhooked the gag. It plops wetly on the tatami in front of Raph, and he put his face to the floor, out of sight of Leo. He didn't want him to see his tears. It was bad enough he was even giving him the satisfaction of hearing him, especially after what he’d just done.

 

“You hurt me. I asked you to stop!”

 

“I ask you to stop all the time. And you never listen.”

 

“This isn’t—!”

 

“No, Raph! It isn’t! I’m not playing with you!”

 

He heard an odd sound, something popping. Something ripping and he lifted his head, eyes wide, expecting to be struck again. What he gets instead, in response to his words, is something worse. Leo’s shirt flutters, ghostly white next to his face, and a resounding ‘boom’ echoed around the room as he slammed his hands down on the floor on either side of Raph's head, making sure he can see them. Both arms were covered from wrist to almost over the elbow in a rash, the skin fiery red with irritation, smatterings of dried blood caked over areas he’d really worked over.

 

“I hurt _you_? Look what you do to _me,_ Raph! Your plan didn’t work! Your half-baked plans _never_ work!”

 

Leo sat astride Raph’s shell, bent over him, staring into the back of his head, his own eyes beginning to well with emotion. He sat there for a while, watching Raph’s head go back and forth between the ruined appendages, until finally he put his face to the floor again, not able to bare looking any longer. He wasn’t just mad. He was furious. ‘Fuckin’ pissed’ as Raph would usually say. Otherwise he wouldn’t have shown him that. He’d have just beat him and been done with it.

 

“I was tryin' to help.”

 

“I know.”

 

“If you know then why’d you do that to me?”

 

“Because your execution was wrong.”

 

“Whatever Leo.”

 

Leo stood up and away from, looking on for a few minutes more before retreating to the door, Raph struggled against the restraints again, trying desperately to wrench his head around to see what Leo was doing.

 

“Hey! _Hey_! Don’t leave me in here! Ya can’t!”

 

“I can. And I am. Good night, Raphael.”

 

“Leoo!”

 

 

He doesn’t _really_ leave him. He comes back an hour or so later, not able to sleep, and peeks in on his wayward charge, finding him in the position he left him in: weeping dolefully, rear in the air still. He turns his face away when he sees him looking through the crack in the door. Two weeks Raph had been gone from him. That was long enough. What he’d already done to him was enough.

 

Raph is unhitched. The chains and gag put away, and Leo walks with him back into their home, up to their bedroom. The cuts on the back of his legs are cleaned. Salve and bandages are applied, sheets and quilting pulled over them. Raph turns his shell to Leo, saying nothing for a long while, ignoring the gentle hands rubbing over him trying to coerce him into returning the affection they seek.

 

“You’re a bastard.”

 

“I know.”

 

“No, you don’t. You think you know goddamn everything!”

 

“Raph…please?”

 

“You ain’t even gonna say sorry?!”

 

“No.”

 

“Then shove off.”

 

That’s what he says. But in the morning, the sun shines down through the panes on a different scene entirely: The two of them wrapped around each other, twisted into the sheets, Raph's face tucked under Leo's chin, arms and legs tangled as they cling to one another and sleep with interwoven bodies for the first time in 2 long, torturous weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Northampton Dock

**Part One: The Negotiation**

There was something on Leo’s mind. Though there was no visual representation of his thoughts, Raph had known him long enough to be able to tell when something was up. As he sat across the dinner table from his husband, it was obvious that there was something swirling in there, something that Leo wanted to say and yet didn’t, perhaps for fear of rejection or judgment. And, after being together for as long as they had, Raph was tired of it.

“What??”

Leo looked up slowly, blinking at his mate, “Nothing. I didn’t say anything. Quit yelling.”

“I _know_ you didn’t say anything. But you want to and you aren’t. So stop starin’ at me and just spit it out, already!”

Leo sighed and went back to eating, poking at his food between tiny, nervous bites. “There’s something I was thinking about. Something I’ve been wanting to try.”

“It’s…” Leo looked away, picking up his tea cup and holding the warm ceramic. “You probably wouldn’t want to do it…”

With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, Raph spoke. “You say that every time.”

The fidgeting increased as Leo worried with his hands, considering what he was about to tell his husband. It had long since been discovered that Leo had some rather unconventional tastes, and Raph did as well, but Leo’s were the only ones that seemed … wrong. To Leo, at least. The things he wanted to do to Raph often … _bordered_.

With another sigh, he confessed. “I was thinking of going out to one of the lakes up in Northampton and…laying you in the water. With your hands tied behind you, so you can’t push out. Your feet…well…you’ve got those big weights in the garage…Um…”

Leo trailed off as he caught Raph staring at him, shame coloring his cheeks purple as he quickly deflated. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, “ Raph said instantly, “you _should_ have. I _want_ you to tell me the things you want.”

“I wouldn’t let you drown. You trust that I wouldn’t, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. Of course. Raph trusted Leo. He would trust Leo with his life and, perhaps more often than the “average” couple, he did just that. Still, sometimes Leo’s desires were perplexing to Raph, and he tilted his head. “What’s sexy about that?”

An answer wasn’t easy for Leo to find, it seemed, and Raph watched him struggle as he mulled it over. “I just … like the thrill.”

A stricken expression crossed his features. “That sounds really sick. We don’t have to do this.”

“Will you stop pouting? I didn’t say we weren’t gonna do it!”

Leo changed tactics, a deep frown creasing his brow ridge. “I’m actually kind of concerned you’re consenting.”

“I didn’t consent,” Raph countered. “I didn’t say we were gonna do it. I just didn’t say we weren’t. What’s thrilling about it?”

“Do I _have_ to explain?”

“Nah, of course not. I’ll just let you hang me in a lake and pound my ass with no questions asked. Sure, no problem. Yes, you have to explain.”

Leo rolled his eyes and sighed, then sat quiet for a while as he considered the question. “There’s always a chance, with the things we do to one another, that one or both of us will come out seriously hurt. Sometimes it’s me. More often than not, it’s you. I don’t do it because I want you to die. Of course I don’t. I like testing you. I like testing myself…” Leo shook his head, cheeks flaming, “Plus..It’s hot… It just is. I don’t know why exactly.”

Just hot? Raph could understand that. There were things that he liked, things that would not generally be considered sexy or fun that he had gotten enjoyment out of for reasons that he couldn’t voice, so he thought he knew what Leo meant, and he laughed. Leo looked so terribly uncomfortable, and Raph could help but smile and tease.

“What if a bug swims up my nose?”

“I’ll make a way for you to let me know you want to come up.”

“And you won’t be an ass about it?”

“No. This is something that could potentially cause you serious injury. I’m not going to pick on you if you decide you want to stop in the middle. I wouldn’t be mad at all.”

“It’s not that serious”

“It _is_. This isn’t a challenge…not ‘that’ kind of challenge. I need you to be serious for a second. Really think about it.”

“I _am_ being serious,” Raph countered, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared Leo down.

"What’s the worst case? I can’t hold my breath anymore and pass out, which I’m pretty sure you’d notice. And I don’t think you’d let me drown just ‘cause I didn’t give you the signal. So I ain’t worried.”

Leo was quiet for a long time as he stared across the table at his mate, considering all that they had said before slowly nodding. “Okay. As long as you’re alright. I need some time to … prepare, so let’s wait until Sunday. Which means no sex until then.”

Raph nodded, “Alright. It’s supposed to be hot as fuck all week, so it’ll be nice and warm when we go. Wait-what?”

“I’d like to abstain from sex for the week before we go.”

“I thought you loved me,” Raph whined out in a low growl, dropping his elbows down on the table as Leo smiled wide.

“I do. You _know_ I do. It’s only a week, babe. I can still touch you. BUT,” He interjected as Raph smiled deviously, cutting him off before he could comment, “I can’t give you so many blow jobs this time. You know what it does to me.”

Raph tipped his head back and laughed, tossing Leo a wink. “I’ll just jack off and let you watch. I know how you like watching.”

His big brother frowned, frosting Raph across the table. “You’re going to be sore after this weekend.”

“That sounds like a challenge.”

“No, just a statement of fact. You aren’t the only one used to fucking every other night. Taking breaks is harder than I make it look.”

Again, Raph just laughed, looking at Leo with amused affection. “Everything is harder than you make it look, babe.”

 

 

**Part Two: The Dock**

The week that followed the more than a little painful conversation was difficult for Leo, fraught with temptation and long, dismal hours spent holed up in his meditation room. As usual, Raph didn’t make it easy. He spent his time strutting around the house, flashing saucy grins, masturbating openly wherever Leo happened to be when he wasn’t sitting cross-legged in front of his assortment of candles and incense, trying to chant away the fire crackling through his veins.

  
Monday, everything seemed like it was going to be fine. He felt alright. He went to work, came home, and ate dinner. Raph ‘mostly’ left him alone.

  
Tuesday, he wanted a blow job. Leo obliged, warning him that it was the first of only three requests he’d be allowed for that week.

  
Wednesday, he came home to find Raph sitting on the couch, blue bandanna tied snugly around the base of his erect cock. They stared at one another, Raph chuckling quietly with each lazy stroke, watching the blush creep up past Leo’s heavily starched collar.

  
"You sure you don’t wanna reconsider waitin’, Fearless?"

  
Thursday, he asked for his second blow job, just as Leo turned over in bed to flick off the bedside lamp. Raph grabbed the back of Leo’s head, held him down, but didn’t take any more advantage of the situation than that, holding Leo for a couple of minutes, then letting him go. Lying there on his stomach, between Raph’s legs, Leo studied his options. He could pull away. He could bite the sensitive head in his mouth. He could call the whole thing off and fuck Raph right then. But he continued, finished the job, kissed Raph good night, and then went to sleep, a whispered threat carrying over to his mate through the darkness.

  
"You’ll bleed for that."

  
"Who, me?"

  
It was feigned innocence. To Raph, it was teasing fun, designed to goad and rile Leo. In his own words, to test him and see how strong his resolve really was. As expected, pretty strong. He’d thought, maybe, he’d be able to coerce Leo into fucking before the allotted week. He knew he was Leo’s weakness and if something was going to break his determination, it would be Raph or something concerning him. 

  
Friday was uneventful. On Saturday, Leo was irritable, woke from a fitful sleep, and refused breakfast. The fidgeting and nervousness had passed. There was an intensity now, a heaviness surrounding the air near Leo. 

  
Bed time came finally and Leo laid there in silence a long while, staring over at the form next to him. Raphael wasn’t nervous. He wasn’t excited either. The idea didn’t hold much appeal to him on its own merit, but he wasn’t opposed to it. It was always interesting to see Leo when he allowed himself to want, allowed himself to do something ‘extreme.’ Of course, he wouldn’t get to ‘see’ it, would he? Not this time. Just feel it on his body. That was just as good. 

  
They left Sunday morning. Raph drove and they took the truck, the heavy weights tossed into the pickup bed. Silence fell between them, classic rock Raphael had picked and gusts of wind through his open window the only sounds. Summer was beautiful in New York, warm and sunny and full of green. The water would be mild and clear, but full of life. Small aquatic bugs. Curious fish. Snapping turtles. Raph hoped he didn’t encounter any of them.

  
Leo didn’t have to be back at work until Monday morning and Raph had taken the night off his club as well. Would they do this more than once? Was there something else that Leo would want to try? The questions remained unvoiced as Raphael pulled up the dusty driveway and parked.

  
It was early yet. The sun was still up a ways and it would be a while before it set, which would give them time to scout out a place for what they were about to do. When Leo had first thought of tying Raph up and sinking him halfway, he’d imagined himself doing most of the prep-work. Finding a place and setting things up wasn’t something that Raph seemed particularly interested in. Still, he wanted Raph to be a part of what little there was to do. He wanted to give him some amount of control over the situation. 

  
Raph got to decide on the signal: the uncurling of his fingers. Leo also asked him to pick the spot: a lake, with a floating dock jutting into it, old but sturdy, its paint chipping. It looked as though it hadn’t been used a long time and Leo agreed that it was a good choice. Raph stayed at the dock as Leo left for the truck, to get the thick lengths of rope and weights that they would use. 

  
Meditation wasn’t something that Raph understood, and he didn’t expect to ever understand it. But Raphael found peace in nature, tranquility in the setting sun’s beams warm on his shell, silence in the ripples of water around his ankles. He looked out over the lake; it wasn’t large and he could see the other bank from the old dock. He thought the old wood was beautiful. It felt right for it to be here and he was surprised at how calm he felt as he waited for Leo to return with the weights. 

  
The weights Leo was going to tie him to so he could tip him into this lake and fuck him. He couldn’t be surprised. In fact, he chuckled to himself quietly and stirred the water with his feet. Go away, fish. This isn’t a place for you.   
Leo returned, hefting the weights to the chosen spot, the metal glowing orange from the rays of the waning sun. They were heavier than they looked and when he finally made it back, he frowned at Raph. 

  
"I should’ve let ‘you’ carry those."

  
"Thought you should do it. Arms are gettin’ a little soft, babe."

  
"Uh-huh."

  
They weren’t, and they both knew it. Raphael smiled and ran his tongue over pointed teeth. Now that the time was closer, he found he was somewhat eager for this. Not necessarily the water part, but what would happen before. What would it be like? Would Leo speak softly to him, kiss him as he bound his hands, and lower him gently? Or would it be a fight, a battle, full of blood and violence and broken skin? Either worked for Raphael, but he’d let Leo take the lead. That’s what he was good at, right?

  
Leo pushed the weights the rest of the way down the dock. He took his time, walking the small area, trying to gauge exactly how much space would be needed, figuring out where to set the weights so Raph wouldn’t tip down too far or too low. He didn’t want ropes cutting into his ankles, either, didn’t want to make this difficult.

  
Leo had thought a lot on the drive up about what he would do once they started. Seeing Raph as he was now, at peace by the waterside, seated on the edge of the dock, kicking his feet in the water, put Leo’s more violent inclinations in the back seat. He imagined bending Raph over on the dock before binding him to the weights and kissing up the back of his thighs. He imagined sucking Raph’s tail into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the eager appendage briefly before letting go.

  
But then there was also the fire. His body was keenly aware of its needs. The other part of him wasn’t interesting in playing at all. It didn’t want to kiss and coddle. It just wanted to fuck savagely, brutally, to trace a finger through the thin sliver of blood that would inevitably be on him when this was over.

  
He decided to try to do both: To allow the feelings to meld together to make something singular, intelligible. Finding a good spot for the weights, he turned to Raph and motioned for him, face flushed purple.

  
"Baby… come here."

  
It wasn’t a term they used often for one another. Babe, yes. Fucker, asshole, sure. Raphael wasn’t sure if that word was a conscious choice, but it softened the tone to him, kept the ease inside of him strong as Raph pulled his feet out of the warm water and turned on the dock. Leo was standing behind him, not very far away, and Raph swiveled on his knees. On a whim, he made the decision not to stand. Instead, he crawled the few paces back to Leo and looked up at him with bright, flashing eyes and a smirk. 

  
If they were going to fight, he’d fight, and he wouldn’t hold back, but there was no point pretending that he wasn’t submitting to Leo right now. Raph’s pride wasn’t stung by it any longer. He trusted Leo. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t let him do what he was about to do. He wouldn’t let him do half the things they did. 

  
Leo thought it was difficult to abstain from sex for a week. Raph agreed, and he was glad they’d still messed around, but it wasn’t the same. Raph didn’t like not being able to touch Leo, to feel the give of his skin under his fingertips, to taste the salt of his skin. He pushed up on his knees and leaned forward, pressing his beak against Leo’s thighs, kissing the flesh there, running his tongue over the sensitive spot at his hip. 

  
Raph was pretty, toned and muscular, a dark shade of green. He was darker than Leo and their other brothers. To Leo, he was radiant. Especially so, Leo, thought, bent in the position he was in: down on his knees, kissing the sensitive parts of Leo’s body.

  
That tongue and the cool of his skin felt good. Leo bent down, twining his fingers into the cloth of Raph’s shirt, pulling him away from active duty. A breeze blew in and rustled the trees and bushes gently as night birds began their evening song.  
Leo contrasted it. He pulled Raph roughly to his feet, tearing at the fabric of his shirt, discarding the tattered remnants. His mouth crushed to Raph’s as he clamped a hand over the back of Raph’s taught neck. The other grabbed the back bottom edge of Raph’s shell, pulling him as physically close as possible.

  
The kiss had no beat to it. No rhythm. It was rough one moment. There was blood and a split in Raph’s lip. Leo wasn’t much taller, only a couple of inches, but Raph craned his neck to mash their faces together, kissing hard and breathless. Leo’s objective was unclear and it was hard to discern what he wanted. Raph was confused, didn’t know how to pursue this, didn’t understand the lead Leo was giving, and it frustrated him.

 

Instead, he set his own conflicting standard, drawing Leo’s tongue into his mouth and grinding it softly between his sharp teeth. Shark teeth, Mikey called them, and they could cause more pain than he was letting them. Raph was aggressive, but he was also skilled, and he was well past the age where he might injure Leo unintentionally. If he hurt him now, Leo would know he meant to do it.

  
Leo gave quick, chaste kisses between the tongue play. He slowed things down and kissed Raph delicately. The soft flutter of lips unhinged Raph’s ability to be harsh he released Leo’s tongue without hurting it, shaken by the softness of the kiss. Damn him. Damn him to hell, Leo knew how Raph reacted to tenderness. Gentleness. His own hands gripped Leo by the arms, closing his fingers over the healed brand on Leo’s upper arm, rubbing his broad palm over the delicate white lines that spelled out their commitment to one another. Forever. 

  
Deft fingers released and trailed between them, undoing the buttons on Leo’s shirt as they kissed, dipping down to his waistband to unfasten his belt. Leo pulled back out of the kiss, sucking in a lungful of air, wriggling out of his pants with the help of Raph’s nimble fingers. It was ironic he should acquiesce to the need to draw breath, considering what he was about to do to his mate.

  
He could feel the cool metal of the weights on the back of his ankles. The thick shipping rope laid coiled neatly in measured out sections. Chains, due to Raph’s abnormal strength and propensity for struggle, were the ideal choice. Raph snapped apart everything else they used and sometimes even managed to break his way out of iron manacles and handcuffs, but rope had to be used for safety reasons. Raph was heavy and there was always a chance the added weights might not be enough to hold him in place. If they weren’t, it would be Leo who would have to go in and cut him loose.

  
Hands gripping Raph’s shoulders, Leo spun the two of them around, facing the end of the dock. He pushed forward, placing Raph on the dry surface where he wanted him, then pressed his lips to Raph’s ear, kissing it as he spoke.

  
"Knees." 

  
"I just stood up; make up your mind," Raph muttered under his breath as he was turned about, but he dropped down to his knees anyway, third eyelid sliding closed on instinct, covering the gold irises from view. They were close to the water now, and Raph could see it rippling against the wooden stilts of the dock if he leaned forward, but he didn’t. He’d get to see it soon enough and he wasn’t exactly impatient for that experience. He was a bit nervous now, despite himself, but he didn’t say anything about it, tried not to give any indication of it. 

  
In and out. Slowly, deeply. He tried to keep his heart rate slow in his chest, to control his breathing. It would help him hold his breath longer. Leo didn’t know that Raph intended to hold it the entire time, if he could, not rise up out of the water until they had both cum, if he could manage it. He swallowed, his nervousness making him fidget a bit. He didn’t want to rush this, not really, but his mouth operated before his brain.

  
"Come on, Leo, let’s get this show on the road. Today, maybe?"

  
Kneeling down behind Raph, recognizing the signs of his mate’s unease, he pulled over the length of rope and threaded them in and out of the center holes of the weights slowly, much more slowly than necessary. He tied neat knots at various spaces to ensure a firm hold, then edged forward to Raph. Leo’s fingers trailed down the bulging muscles of Raph’s arms, kissing the back of Raph’s neck as he worked the rope there. The hands took less time. There wasn’t as much of need to double check himself there. If Raph’s hands got loose, it wasn’t a big deal. He could use them to brace himself and hold on if he started to slip. That was unlikely but safety first. There was no resistance when Leo bound him, secured his feet to the weights and tied his hands behind his shell. 

  
A feeling of discomfort rolled through him as Leo tilted him forward with gentle hands, leaning down a little ways with Raph, planting him face down in the lake water, fingers trembling in the spots where they held him. Raph stared down into the dark water, watching as it came slowly closer and closer to his face. It was hard to keep his balance the further he tipped, and eventually Leo’s hands were the only things keeping him steady and upright. A little further, Raph huffed in a sharp inhalation of breath before his beak touched the surface and he went under. 

  
It was different from what he had expected, his body hinged at the waist, as much as he could with the shell on his back. It wasn’t just his head under the water, like he had expected, but his chest and shoulders as well. Thank god it was summer. They wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t summer. Raph would not have agreed to being submerged in icy water. 

  
Everything was muted. He could still hear the birds singing out their evening tunes, but it was a distorted warble to his ears. His eyes were open, but they might as well not have been. There was not enough light to illuminate under the water, and he stared into wavering dark green nothingness. 

  
Leo didn’t pause or take much time to enjoy the view of Raph bent. Time pressed on him heavily, urging him into quick action with the knowledge that every moment he spent here meant another moment that his mate was denied air. He allowed himself a fleeting glance, running his hands appreciatively over the thick legs splayed before him before sliding in behind, gripping a hip. Raph’s tail had already reflexively moved, pointing in an out-of-the-way direction, swollen, the slit pulsing. Leo petted it, stroked his thumb up the length of it as took his position and pushed himself inside Raph, He considered being gentle, but decided against it. Instead, he leaned his hips into the first stroke, putting his strength behind it.

  
It should have hurt when Leo slammed into him, but it didn’t. It felt slow, even though Raph knew that it wasn’t. His legs twitched and he closed his eyes fully. He tried to focus on the feelings in his body: The warmth of the water lapping gently at the point of submersion. Leo’s fingers curled harshly into the flesh of his hip. The hard, ruthless thrusts into his body. 

  
He tried to feel Leo’s breath, but he couldn’t make it out through the dimming water. His mouth opened and he gasped a bit before he could stop himself, realizing what a stupid thing it was to do in the circumstances as he snapped his mouth shut again. His tail thumped against his thighs and he wiggled subconsciously, pushing against Leo and the bonds. 

  
Above water, there was a lot to focus on and be distracted by and, in the beginning, Leo had trouble keeping with the pace he set for himself. They were completely and totally alone here, save the scattered wildlife watching the proceedings from their perches. While it was not enough to make him stop, it was enough to make him consider. It was enough to wrest the control he had over his feelings. A lone deer watched curiously from across the water, dark eyes wide, and Leo stared at Raph’s bound hands so as not to have to see her.

  
He had to count the time and watch for the finger, Raph’s signal for air or stop. Worry prickled at the back of his mind as he pored over the sight before him, fucked Raph hard and fast down into the wood of the dock.

  
A challenge. Raph could never say no to anything he perceived as such and it worried him. It angered him that Raph took his own personal safety so lightly. He zeroed in on those feelings, and mixed them with the past week’s frustrations. The outside environment faded and he surged forward, fingers pressing harshly into the skin of Raphael’s hips, nails cutting.

  
It was good, in a fantastically horrible way, this thing he was doing. He could see his reflection in the water and it excited him, further dimming the sounds of the outside population. He rolled his hips, smoothed his palms over the back of Raph’s shell, an area he didn’t typically gravitate towards, doing so now because it was all of Raph he could really lay hand to. The fire ignited in him over the week blazed, flared up and the cursing started, his voice echoing across the water. 

  
Raph was bleeding, not just from his hip. His chest burned, a mild throb pulsing through his head. The thumping of his tail had slowed and he’d started to unsheathe, the pointed head of his cock rubbing over his the backs of his thighs. He was aroused, but even that seemed subdued by the pain in his chest, the blocked senses. He couldn’t seem to let himself drop fully, and he wasn’t sure why. He could feel his erection, hard within his body, and it hurt. 

  
'I shouldn't like this…'

  
But he did like it. He enjoyed the pain. He welcomed the dimmed senses. He gave the power, the control, and he relished the blood on his body and the fast pace of Leo pumping into him. Precum leaked out of his half-hidden cock, painted over his flesh by his swishing tail. He had to bite his lips to keep from crying out again. It had been almost ten minutes; he could tell by the feeling in his chest, the thudding in his head. Almost to his limit, under normal circumstances. These were not normal circumstances, and Raphael refused to give in. 

  
Raph needed to breathe… He had to need to breathe by now, but he hadn’t given any signal. There had only been bubbles and readjusting. Leo wished he could see Raph’s face and hear his moans. The lack of intimacy was the downside to this position. He was used to being able to see his mate’s face, accustomed to the way it excited him to see Raph’s body contort underneath him. Leo bit his lip, hands tensing on Raph as he thrust, wondering what Raph was thinking, what he was feeling, what expression he would show Leo, if he could see. 

  
Twelve minutes and Raph felt like he was going to pass out. Was his vision dimming, or was it just the fading sun? Was Leo talking, or was it just his imagination? He was light; he was floating. It felt like he was floating away from himself, his body, from Leo, from everything. 

  
Thirteen minutes and he thought his chest was going to burst and float away too. His tail stopped moving completely and he stared into the murky water, unseeing. Leo was moving in slow motion, his words garbled by the water and deprivation.

  
It was quiet other than the profane speech and the sound of skin slapping against skin. The sun was low on the horizon, red orange rays illuminating the space in between the branches, setting everything afire. Sweat trickled down Leo’s forehead and plopped onto the back of Raph’s shell. He wanted to pull him up, so he could hear him. So that he could see him… See him gasping for air, sucking in the oxygen he’d been denied…

  
That was what did it. That thought: the image of his husband as a struggling victim underneath him. He tried desperately to cling to some other reasoning. It was too new an experience, too foreign a position. But there was no getting away from it. The strength of his climax overwhelmed him and he fumbled, shaking, gasping for air himself, trying to figure out what to do with his hands.

  
Fourteen minutes and he was at his limit, body going limp against the bonds as Leo pushed into him one last time, nails slicing him open, blood on his hips, on his abused entrance, dripping slowly down his legs, mixing with the sweat and water slicking him.

  
Fifteen minutes and Raph wasn’t sure if he was passing out or not. All he knew was his head was screaming, he was moving, perhaps actually moving? Leo hauled Raph up to the dock, not thinking, just doing, trying to make sure that Raph was alright. Raph blinked a few times, unable to get his third eyelid to open immediately. He stared, chest still, not breathing. Not trying to breathe. Holding his breath. It took a few more seconds for his mind to catch on, for his body and delayed consciousness to process that he was out of the water and that Leo was leaning beside him, touching him, rubbing him gently, trying to encourage him to breathe. His hands were free; when did that happen? Raph blinked again and forced himself to inhale, water trickling out of his nose as he gasped and wheezed, turning on his side to cough between deep sucks of air. 

  
Leo tilted Raph’s head and rubbed his shell, trying to keep him from swallowing back down the water that had managed to get past his nose and mouth. Guilt. Shame. Fear. He felt them in tandem, disgusted with himself, disgusted at what he sees when he looks between Raph’s legs. Leo’s cum was dripping out of him and Raph’s tail was still, curled slightly up between his thighs in a defensive position. He’d gotten no enjoyment from this encounter. All he got was half-drowned in a lake and pounded from behind by a sick fuck.

  
Don’t think about that now. You don’t matter. Raph matters. Not you.

  
"Hey… Raph… just take your time. Take your time and breathe. And then try to talk to me if you can. Can you see me clearly? Are you dizzy? Nod if yes."

  
Raph nodded absently, not really sure what he was assenting to. His breathing slowed down to a normal pace after a few minutes of gasping and he blinked again, this time opening his third eye to reveal the hidden colors of his iris. It felt like hours since they’d gotten to the dock, and his body was heavy. He dipped his chin down to his chest and frowned at the weights; they were either staying here for the night, or Leo was carrying them. 

  
In and out. Slowly. Raph breathed deeply, letting his chest puff out and fill with each breath, closing his eyes on the lengthy exhales. The controlled breathing continued for a few more minutes, and then Raph was pushing himself up into a sitting position, ignoring the fatigue in his limbs, ignoring the light-headedness morphing his perceptions. 

  
He stumbled, which was an impressive feat, considering that he was still sitting down. The surge upward was too strong and he threw himself off balance. He laid a palm down on the wood to steady himself, and lifted the other to his head, covering his eyes with a shaking hand. Leo reached out, placing a supportive hand on Raph’s shell after his failed attempt to stand, scooting closer to him. 

  
"It’s okay… go slow, okay?"

  
"Any slower and I’d be stopped." Raph rasped, his chest still burning. He leaned into Leo, closing his eyes again, and dropped his hands down between his thighs. His legs curled and he rested his knees against Leo’s thigh, feeling a little ridiculous for the position, but he supposed it was no more ridiculous than the one he’d just been in.

  
Leo wrapped his arms around Raph and pulled him close, planting kisses over the top of his head, down the side of his face to the jaw. Relief flooded him, though he did not abate the guilt he felt. At least Raph was alright. He was breathing and alive.

  
"Hey…? I love you. More than anything…"

  
Raph looked up at Leo but didn’t respond right away, regarding him, taking in the tight line of his mouth, the furrow of his brow ridge, the distress in his eyes. Leo never wanted to talk about what it was like or how he felt. Never wanted to think about it. The butterflies in Raph’s limbs had mostly subsided and it no longer felt like moving through solid air when he lifted his hand and laid it on Leo’s arm, on his brand. 

  
"Love you. You okay?"

  
Leo didn’t answer. Leo wasn’t okay, but Raph didn’t have the energy to bicker about it at the present moment. He felt tired and the world was still moving slower than it should have been, or perhaps it was just the calm of a summer night on the lake. Maybe the leaves really were swaying that slowly on their branches. Maybe the ripples really were that subtle. 

  
No voice could be given to the things Raph was feeling right then, not because he couldn’t find adequate words to describe them, but because he knew it would hurt Leo and make him feel worse than he likely already did. He’d discuss it with Casey later, maybe, if he felt like he needed to talk to anyone about it. If not, he’d just keep it to himself.

  
Raph felt dirty and used, not in a pleasant way, but in the kind that made his stomach queasy and roll uncomfortably through his gut. It hadn’t been all bad, though. There were parts that Raph had enjoyed, would do again if asked. The last five minutes, however, was not something he ever wanted to repeat. Thick muscles shifted against the wood, and he could feel the blood and cum dripping out of him. It didn’t feel sexy; it felt trashy. 

  
Raph’s hand slid up Leo’s arm, coming to grip the back of his neck as Raph craned his own, pressing his beak to Leo’s in a soft, comfort-seeking kiss. The kiss unnerved Leo, more so than he already was and his response wasn’t what he wanted it to be or what he ‘knew’ that it should be. It wasn’t that he doesn’t want the kiss or didn’t want to reciprocate. It just felt wrong, unjust after everything that had just occurred. 

  
Raph wanted comfort, and Leo wanted to comfort him. Just not this way. But, it wasn’t about him. It would be unfair for him to refuse. He wasn’t a good judge of what helped and what didn’t. He wasn’t the type of person to get over things. He didn’t know how to not feel completely and totally disgusted with himself. Raph did, though, and he obliged him after a little awkward fumbling. He forced his clammy, deadened hands to come up, to cradle Raph’s face and deepen the kiss, though they stayed there, not exploring further, not touching Raph.

  
Raph opened his mouth to the tongue sliding against his own, greedily sucking up the kiss and the attention. Each passing moment was returning his strength and consciousness, and he turned to sit on his knees, facing Leo rather than laying against him. He directed with softly demanding hands, leaning back on his heels and pulling Leo with him, pressing their plastrons together as he opened his mouth wider. 

  
This felt good. It felt nice. Just sitting on the dock in the twilight, kissing his husband. It was a sort of tenderness that Raph typically did not initiate, was too embarrassed to admit wanting, but right now it didn’t seem to sting his pride as much as it might have. And why should it? There was nothing wrong with wanting to kiss your mate, to touch him, to spend slow moments running your hands over him, grazing over the muscles and curves and edges that he’d long since memorized. 

  
The thought returned to him; Leo was not alright. Raph nipped Leo’s lip gently and broke the kiss, huffing lightly. Their faces were close, beaks touching, and Leo couldn’t hide his eyes nor the distraught expression smoldering within them. Raph knew Leo was upset, but he didn’t know what exactly was the matter or how to fix it. He didn’t know what to say, and everything they tried to say to each other in these sort of moments came out all wrong anyway. 

  
Less talk, more action. Raph pushed up on his knees, Leo’s face against his chest now, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. His other hand gripped Leo’s and directed it, bringing his fingers back to Raph’s dripping entrance. He shivered as he brushed Leo’s fingers over it, thighs twitching, and he bit his lip to prevent any noise from escaping. 

  
It felt gross; and he felt gross to have Leo touch him there. But he wanted Leo to touch him, to touch him there specifically, because it was important to know… he needed to know that Leo didn’t think he was gross. That that wasn’t what was stilling his hands, preventing Leo from touching him. 

  
It was a surprise to Leo, watching as Raph guided his hand towards his entrance. He ghosted his fingertips over it slowly. He stared up at Raph in wonder, tragic expression faltering to something softer and less distressed. In answer to Raph’s request, he curved his palm over the area, and curled his fingers back towards his tail, rubbing it.

  
The mess doesn’t bother him. Not in the physical sense. He was not afraid to look. Not afraid to touch. Why would he be? He’d been in the same shape himself on more than one occasion. Had seen his husband so too. It bothered him in what it represented, what it said about their relationship, what it said about him. 

  
He shouldn’t feel bad. He wasn’t supposed to feel guilty. He had asked, and Raph had said yes. It was consensual, on both their parts. Despite that, he still couldn’t feel good about this situation or about having gone through with it. He shouldn’t have. He should have known better, but he hadn’t and now Raph was quivering under him, half-drowned, dazed, covered in blood and sweat and cum, obviously not alright himself, but hesitant to seek exactly what he wanted because of Leo. Leo’s emotional state was fragile, in Raph’s mind, and Leo knew that his mate sometimes compromised his wants and needs when he decided Leo’s were greater. Leo hated himself for that. 

  
"It’s not you…" he assured, wrapping his free arm around Raph’s middle, lying him down on his shell. Raph allowed himself to be manipulated without resistance as Leo lowered him slowly against the grainy surface of the wooden dock. Leo kept rubbing at his entrance, hand gravitating out towards his inner thighs, tail, and then back again.

Crickets sang loudly, a bullfrog croaked on occasion, and Raph felt the peace that he had felt earlier returning to him. The sun was gone now and it was appropriate; Leo was most at home in shadow, looked natural in it, could disappear so completely into it that even Raph wouldn’t be able to find him, if Leo didn’t want to be found. That wasn’t going to happen now; Leo wasn’t going anywhere. 

  
Raph’s legs spread open, sighing contently against the hand that rubbed him, caressed his thighs, stroked his tail, petted over the brand on the inside of his leg. The fingers curled and rubbed over his entrance and he gasped softly, knees tipping apart further, wanting this contact, welcoming it. He kept his eyes open, looking up at Leo as he spoke. 

  
"It’s not me… then it’s you," He reasoned aloud. "That I think yer a freak?" 

  
Gentle. Light touches. Soothing caresses. Leo laid down on his stomach and inched himself downward using his elbows, then laid his face against a sticky thigh, nuzzling it, pressing kisses over it. It’s not a nice taste. Neither is it a particularly bad one, a strange mixture of salt and iron. He licked it, all over it until it was clean, then flicked his tongue over Raph’s entrance once before moving to the other leg.

  
"That’s part of it. I know you you’ve said you don’t. Not any more than usual… but… I honestly think I’d feel better if you ‘did’ think that. Hearing someone besides me say it…hurts less. You’re not gross. ‘I’ am."

  
What was he supposed to say to that? Leo wanted him to think he was a freak? He did think that; they were both twisted perverted fucks and they both knew it, but it didn’t bother him. He wanted Leo, he loved him, just how he was. Even with the frustration he caused, the controlling and intrusive behavior he exhibited, the shitty tea that Raph had made ten thousand pots of. He loved him. Didn’t want to change anything about him. 

  
"We’re both freaks," he settled with, not sure what else to say. Leo’s tongue was lapping against his thighs and Raph’s breath was catching as Leo cleaned him. It felt intimate. It felt tender. 

  
"That feels good…" He murmured, bringing a hand down to rest on the back of Leo’s head. He didn’t want him to stop, and he didn’t want him to do anything else. Just this. 

  
"Keep doin’ that," He insisted quietly, not wanting Leo’s mouth anywhere other than where it was right at that moment, kissing him, cleaning him, soothing the ache in Raph’s body with each gentle swipe of his tongue. His tail thumped hard against the dock, but it was more due to the stimulation than actual arousal. He pushed up on his elbows, hands falling way from Leo’s head, and stared down at him.

  
"Is that what’s up? You feel gross?" 

  
How was he supposed to explain? What could he say? More or less… that ‘was’ how he felt. Gross, though it wasn’t his favorite word to use. He felt sick for wanting this and guilty for having enjoyed it as thoroughly as he had. The evidence was in front of him, right down in between Raph’s legs, the coating of fluid on his right thigh, the little bit still seeping out of him that Leo was now lapping up.

  
"Yes. Lie back down." 

  
He didn’t want to talk about it. The reassurance that he was loved stitched part of the hole in him and he wanted to be allowed to settle for that. Just close his eyes and drink up the mess he made. They’d had the conversation before; Leo thought he was sick. Disgusting. It was why he never said the things he wanted, why he resisted even if Raph was the one to suggest something on the outside edge of safety, sometimes sanity. Like the brand. It had been Raph’s idea and it had been a knock-down-drag-out, not because Leo didn’t want it, but because he did want it. And wanting it seemed to distress Leo more than anything else, disturbed him. Raph knew, even if he didn’t understand. 

  
Raph’s arms went out straight, outstretched from his body as he stared into the inky sky. Leo’s tongue was pushing at his entrance now, and it felt exquisite. He tilted his hips up subconsciously, angling his body to give Leo more access.

  
"You’re not sick," He said softly, moving his legs to wrap one around Leo’s shoulder, knee hinging as his calf pushed on the back of Leo’s neck. He rocked his hips in composed subtle movements against Leo’s lips. 

  
"You’re not gross. There’s nothing wrong with you." His legs shook and he moaned as Leo’s tongue pushed inside of him, kissing and caressing his sore muscles.

They had done this to each other before. It was something they both enjoyed. The pleasurable sensation of tongue sliding coolly, wetly over sore muscles did as much good, if not more so, than the creams they typically used to soothe away pain. It was much more intimate. Much more personal and Leo allowed himself, at least for a moment, to relax and enjoy the sway motion of Raph’s hips against his mouth. He brought his hands up and encircled Raph’s waist, rubbing his stomach and sides.

  
"And I didn’t hate it. You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine. Okay? Don’t think that type of shit about yourself, okay? I love you. More tha- ah, fuck, there, right there!" Raph panted and huffed a minute, then finished his thought, "More than anything, right?" 

  
Leo listened to his mate’s reassuring words and made a concerted effort to believe them. To feel okay. To push his guilt away and just be normal. Normal.

  
Leo pulled back, sliding his tongue slowly out of Raph, tracing around him before finally stopping completely. 

  
"I love you too. More than anything. I’m glad you didn’t hate it. I’m glad you’re okay. But… don’t ask me what I wanna do for a while. Okay?"

  
"Okay." 

  
It was a reasonable request, he supposed. He knew this was hard for Leo. It was difficult for him to allow himself to want, and when they did these things, they were few and far between, with lots of time spanning them. He had thought once their house was empty, their children grown up, that Leo might be more comfortable with it. Maybe he was, but it clearly wasn’t going to be an instantaneous thing. 

  
"Thanks for tellin’ me when I asked.” The words were chosen very specifically, and thanks weren’t exactly within Raph’s skill set or level of comfort. But he had asked and Leo had told him and, even if he hadn’t been particularly thrilled about the circumstances, Leo had shared with him. And they’d done it. That was important to Raph. He unwound his leg from Leo’s shoulders and sat up. He was feeling better now, feeling good, warm, and satisfied. 

  
"You’re welcome,” Leo murmured and leaned back down, spending the next few minutes swiping over the areas he hadn’t been able to get to before. Raph’s thigh, down lower, stroking up and down the length of his tail until everything was gone and he was totally clean. The warmth of Leo’s tongue wiped away the last of the mess between his legs and Raph stared at Leo with a tender expression, stroking his fingers against his temple. Sex would be like this for the next few weeks; intimate, gentle, and slow. That was alright. Raph loved having sex with Leo, in every way. They could do it however he wanted, however he needed to feel alright about himself. 

  
Raph’s shirt, Leo remembered, he’d ripped off at the start. The rest of their clothes laid in a pile behind them and he made a mental note to check for something Raph could put on when they got back to the farmhouse. It was warm, summertime, and Raph was content to be naked, to walk around in the buff and enjoy the heat. Leo was fine with that too. But… he didn’t want to be at the house. Not right now. He wanted to do something normal, sometimes less intimate, something to give him a little distance from this event if he was going to have any hope of processing it. 

  
"Are you hungry? Do you want to go to that diner we always pass on the way in?"

  
"Didn’t get enough to eat?" Raph teased, but he was already reaching for his pants across the docks, leaning forward to kiss Leo before he stood and pulled them on. "Yeah, we can go. If ya want to. They have good pancakes."

 


	14. Complex Beauty

He never bought anything. Just walked silently behind his brother, nodding in acknowledgment when he was spoken to. Trying on anything (almost anything) he handed him. Mikey was an intuitive sort. Had been around Leo long enough to know what he’d refuse and not, and so their bi-weekly outings together were pleasant, though a little somber in tone due to Leo’s poor disposition in the beginning.

Defeat. Failure. He didn’t deal with either well. And for the past couple of months Leo’s life had been fraught with both. The arrival of a sadistic, multi-versal duplicate hunting for bits and pieces of the continuums Raphael’s had appeared on the scene. Resulting in a broken arm and thick welt across the neck from a garrote he’d used to dispatch him with while driving home from work. It was a constant and pervading reminder of his loss. His failure to protect his mate.  Raph had come out of his encounter with the dark ego almost completely unscathed to Leo’s shock and relief…and was thus made responsible for assisting with his recovery.

Physically Leo healed quickly. He was out and training as soon as the cast was removed from his arm, running through kata, practicing until he ran himself ragged. Nervous and paranoid as he’d been before it was nothing in comparison to now. He slept restlessly, paced the halls scratching him-self raw when the sands of sleep denied him. Ate sparingly, disinterestedly, not even looking to see what was on his plate. Bored holes into Raphael’s forehead fearing that if he blinked he’d disappear.

Sick of being stalked everywhere he went, tired of watching Leo drive himself insane with worry, Raph made attempts at returning some of the normalcy their lives lacked by getting Leo out of the house. Pushing him to come up with activities he wanted to do other than train and meditate.  

Which had resulted…somehow or other… in an affinity in Leo for flashy, high heeled shoes.

Mikey hovers behind him, peering over his shoulder, a confused expression on his face. Leo never bought anything. If ever there was anything he saw he wanted he never verbally expressed it, just looked intently at it for a long time, turning it over and over in his hands before placing it back on the shelf. Leaving it to Mikey to decide whether or not he’d have them.  

Today’s point of interest was a simple pair of slippers, ballet pointe, and pale blue with trailing ribbon.

Leo was a person of simple tastes. His choice in footwear however, at least up until now, had never reflected that. Eight inches, white with blue and gold rhinestones—hot pinks with silver stripes—platform. Those were the kinds he usually picked. Statement making shoes.

“How much are they?” Leo asks turning them over in his hands in that tell-tale way he has.

“There’s a red tag in their place on the rack. They’re on sale. Twenty-five bucks,” Mikey answers, glancing over quickly.

And then…Leo puts them back. Goes through the motions of looking, inquiring…and then just puts them back. For his part, Mikey says nothing. Just looks on, a solemn sort of a smile spread cross his freckled face.

_‘Guess that means I’m paying._ **_Again_ ** _.’_

 =———————————————————————————-=

Red… power, passion, sensuality. Green…peace, growth, harmony, elegance. Looking for the subtle meanings behind the colors of the shoes Leo liked to wear wasn’t a thing Raph actively engaged in. He didn’t look that much into it. It was a thing Leo was interested in and wanted him to understand. To get the significance of, but Raph wasn’t interested in understanding. He was just interested in Leo. That was as far as his thought process took him.

He came home from work…Monday through Wednesday working the clubs and trudged upstairs tossing his keys noisily on the nightstand. Leo would be up, sitting in bed, legs crossed, a book in his lap, watching him out of the corner of his eye. He wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t invite any attention to him-self other than that perfunctory glance, frustrating Raph. Forcing him to turn and look back. And then he’d see them. The newest addition to Leo’s steadily growing collection of footwear…glittering like beacons at the ends of his legs.

Tonight was another one of those nights. Leo in bed with his shell pressed up against the pillows, a worn and weathered copy of the _Art of War_ in his hands. Raph comes in and throws his keys across the room, aiming for the little turtle shaped ceramic bowl on his stand, seeing that Leo’s is otherwise occupied. Of course he misses. And, of course, Leo gives him the look. Like he always does.

Raph is in a good mood. Work had provided him with plenty of fresh opportunities to get his frustrations out beforehand. He’s more willing to indulge than usual. He turns to face Leo working the zipper of his jacket down, grinning, dressed in his grungy best. Tight, ragged blue jeans and a faded red sweat shirt complete with oil smudges.

“Dress to impress must not apply at Angel-Cakes and Dusty’s?”

“Shut it twinkle toes. What’s all this supposed to be?” Raph asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed, noticing the soft, delicate bits of satin Leo’s feet are wrapped in.

Raph reaches out and traces a finger over the arch of his foot gazing up and down the length of Leo’s legs, taking in the defining lines of his muscles. Leo points his toes, pushing his arches up higher, stretching the cords taught. Detailing further the years and years-worth of training it had taken to form those iron curves and crevices.

Dedication.

“What happened to heels..?”

Leo sets his book aside and pulls his feet away, Raph watching, oddly entranced as he stands up over him, bending his knees and rising back up barely wrinkling the sheets. Balancing on one foot. Raph frowns, continues to stare, and reaches out again to touch. There was no way that could be comfortable. Holding all that weight on just two toes.

He wraps his hand around Leo’s ankle.  It’s hard. Hard as rock, blue black veins straining underneath the skin.

Vitality. Strength.

“I wanted to try something different.” Leo says, expression lightening, lowering himself down onto Raphael’s lap in a quick, fluid motion. He slides his arms underneath Raph’s and pulls him close, pressing his beak into the hollow of his neck. Raph smells good. Covered in sweat and gore or cheap perfume and motor oil…his own natural scent, a deliciously sweet and peppery aroma, always managed to beat its way through.

Leo keeps his toes pointed, legs on either side of Raph. And for his part…Raph keeps looking. Twist’s his neck around to glimpse the dainty fronds of ribbon trailing up Leo’s calves, bringing his hands down to smooth over them. His first instinct upon seeing the ballet shoes…had been to balk. Continue on with his nightly routine of bathing and bedding down. Frisk Leo a bit and then go to sleep. He’d never found any of the shoes Leo had worn before now particularly interesting or sexy. They were too obvious, the meaning behind them too clear. They didn’t… _fit_. Didn’t suit him. The studs and sparkles…the bright colors looked cheap in comparison to these.

“I like this. This whatcha got on.” he says, swiveling his head back around, nipping at Leo’s jaw.

“You do?”

Leo responds in kind, squeezing Raph to him tighter rubbing his hands up and down his arms once or twice before grabbing at the elbow and wounding them around his waist.

“Yeah. It’s easier to give you what you want when you hide it from me. Dunno why. Spirit o’ the chase or some shit like that. You good to go?”

Usually Leo wore lounge pants to bed, a plain, black cotton pair with a drawstring. He wore nothing now, other than the slippers, his own skin and the blue ribbon wound over his legs. Raph slides a hand down and away from Leo’s hip, rakes his nails harshly over the skin of his thigh, leaving angry red marks in pass.

He didn’t need verbalization. Leo had made it clear what he wanted, for once. In a manner of speaking. Had even dressed for the occasion. Raph understands. For the first time ever…he understands what Leo is trying to communicate to him.

His hand brushes over the smooth surface of the ribbon knot and he tugs at it, pulls until he gets it loose. Leo sits up and leans back, looking at him. Watching as the slipper is ripped off his foot.      With his other hand Raph reaches up and jams his fingers into Leo’s mouth, pressing down hard on his tongue. Forcing his jaws apart and shoving it inside.

Leo was hard to read. When he wanted something he never just came out and asked for it. There was a process. Always very broad in scope. Very complex. Coming out and saying ‘I feel vulnerable. Kick my ass so I know _**you**_ _aren’t._ ’, was too difficult a sentiment for Leo to express in words and something that Raph probably wouldn’t have taken well in that context either. And so he planned. Because that’s what Leo did. Fumbled through social situations. Complicating things for him-self needlessly.

Leo’s eye’s drift closed as strong fingers press into the sides of his neck, force him down onto the mattress. A silvery thin line of spit drips its way down the front of his chin. Raph chuckles, shakes his head, leans down and brushes his lips near his ear opening.

Beauty.

Complex beauty.

“Next time you’re feelin’ at risk and want me to slap you around just say so. Skip all this stuff. Okay?”

  



	15. Gardenia

 

Raphael had never expected to experience old age. It wasn’t something that he had shared with his family as a kid; they were always on his case about his reckless behavior and he knew if he admitted that he expected to be brutally killed before he hit 25 that his brothers would have a conniption. Mikey would fret and cry and wave his arms and try to kiss all over his face and Don would point out all the things he could do to prolong his life, from eating healthier to, oh, I don’t know, perhaps not going out on your own and getting captured by the Foot or an alien or a monster or Bishop every other week? And Leo … he’d give Raph  _that look._ The one he hated more than any other, his expression closed, mouth drawn tight, but his eyes burning cold as they bored into Raph as though trying to make sense of the exasperating picture he presented.

25 had come and gone, though, and Raphael had not died. He’d hardly even been maimed. Then 30 came, and their lives had changed a bit, slowed down from the repetitive surveillance and defense against Kraang and Foot attacks that had defined their youth. Donatello drifted, living on his own in a warehouse converted to a studio lab, employed with illicit projects which brought excitement and a flourishing income, which Donatello distributed across the family. When his littlest brother had hit 22 he had shacked up with the pizza boy he’d been fawning over for years, in a little apartment uptown. Thank god for their training, because Raph wasn’t sure what the landlord would say if he knew his tenant had his mutant turtle lover hidden away in the bedroom. 

His own life had turned out so much differently than he had ever expected. He didn’t even think he’d be alive, much less squatting in a small, but homey abandoned house out on Long Island with his eldest brother. Leonardo. He had been a lot of things to Raphael throughout the course of their lives. A pest as a child, an arrogant shit as a teenager, leader of the team, occasional bed mate in their late teens, steady lover throughout their early twenties, devoted and possessive partner from then on, leader of the Clan itself when their master and father had passed from this world in Raphael’s 40s, in the same act passing his responsibilities to Leo’s shoulders. And now … Leonardo was just a part of his life, as steady and as constant as air to breathe or blood pumping through his body, and just as necessary, just as essential to his survival. 

“I know that look.” Leo’s voice broke Raph’s thoughts, and he looked up as his brother, his lover, his life mate, came out of their kitchen with a steaming mug clasped in each hand. He handed one to Raph and he peered down into it; hot chocolate with marshmallows. He smiled. 

“Just thinkin about shit.” He responded, taking a sip of the warm drink. Heat was piecey in their home, and they spent a lot of their time in the winter drinking hot drinks and curled around one another. Leo took a sip of his drink as well, plain green tea, and silently regarded Raphael out of the corners of his eyes. His brother’s fire had redirected as he’d aged. Instead of burning everything and everyone around him, he carried an internal smolder, his presence that of contained power and potential energy. Leonardo liked it, perhaps preferred it to the destruction of his youth, but he would never say such a thing. The fact was that he loved Raph, loved all of him, everything about him, whether he was knocking down walls, tearing people apart, or pressing hard, insistent kisses to Leo’s beak and hungry hands over his body.

“Hey, Leo…”

“Hm?”

Should he say it? Share the stupid sappy shit rolling around in his brain? That he hadn’t ever anticipated this, hadn’t ever hoped to have a life like this,  _happy_ , with a partner whom he fucking loved, was his whole damn world? To be alive, relatively whole, and well? That Leo gave him more than he ever expected, more than he thought he deserved? 

“…. thanks for the hot chocolate.”

Leo smiled over the edge of his tea cup.

“You’re welcome.” 


	16. Raph's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Tam (28) is the daughter of G and Shadow and is Leo and Raph’s granddaughter. Leena (2) is Tam’s daughter and is Leo and Raph’s great-granddaughter. Ages: Leo 67, Don 66, Raph 65, Mikey 64, April 70, Casey 68, Shadow 50, Tessa 51, G 56

Raphael had only briefly understood why people hated Christmas. It took a 15 year old Leonardo being brutally attacked by the Foot, crippled, and thrown through April’s window on Christmas Eve for him to get why it might not be the most magical time of the year for everyone. Christmas became, for a few years, memories of Leo in a bathtub, silent, still, hour upon hour spent with his lifeless brother, hoping, praying, crying when he thought no one was listening. After that, it was difficult to get back into the cheer of things but, with concentrated effort and assurances, Raph was able to let the cheer of the holiday infect him again. There had been some terrible Christmases since then, some with nearly equally horrific occurrences, but Raph managed to hold tight to the spirit of the holiday and never lose it again.

Birthdays, however, were another story. He’d never minded celebrating his brothers and downright loved the parties for his children, when they had been little, and especially surprising Leo with ridiculous things that would make him shake his head and smile every year on January 20. His own birthday, however, he’d rather skip. The attention made him self-conscious and uncomfortable, something that his family pointedly ignored each and every year. 

Today, Raphael was turning sixty-five. 

Aging didn’t bother him; Raph didn’t much care so long as Leo was with him, going through the same crap. Fifty had brought struggle for Leo’s old injuries and at sixty he’d finally admitted to needing the glasses that Don had been trying to push on him for years. They’d both agreed to take the medication Don prescribed a long time ago, and it still felt surreal going to the medicine cabinet together, Leo doling out their pills before they climbed into bed.   
  
They’d lived in Northampton for fifteen years now. For fifteen years, they’d lived four hours away from their brothers and children, seeing them only on the occasional weekend and holidays. When Leo had suggested it, and when they’d finally moved five years later, Raph had been confident he would hate every moment of country life. At first, he had. He missed the City. He missed the noise and the bustle and having every part of his extended family at his fingertips. He missed the weekly TV drama nights with Mikey, little brother draped over his lap. He missed spending breathless nights flushing under Don’s freely given compliments. April, Casey, his kids; it had been so difficult to have them in a different town, even if it was only a few hours south. 

He’d adjusted, though, and Leo had absolutely flourished. The rural environment agreed with him in a way Raph hadn’t witnessed since they’d still been a ninja team. Leo took to the little farm, reviving it, planting and weeding all the time, building a new coop for the chickens, and raising goats. The goats liked them, head-butting to show their affection for the big green members of the herd or when Leo didn’t pay them enough attention. The first time a goat had kidded, Leo had screamed at him to come outside and watch. Though Leo’s idea of a good time might have been being up to his elbows in goat placenta before the sun rose, Raph had shut the window and gone back to bed. 

“Going to sleep the day away?” Leo murmured, nuzzling against Raph, breaking his husband out of his ruminations. 

“Yeah,” Raph responded, hooking an arm around Leo’s neck to drag him closer. Leo settled on Raph’s plastron and sighed, running his fingers idly up the bridge of his shell. They spent more time in bed now than ever before, Leo sleeping much later than he had when he was younger, content to simply lay next to Raphael until those golden eyes blinked open and smiled at him. Today, however, staying in bed wasn’t an option. 

“Well, you can’t. Tam is going to be here at noon, and everyone else is coming for dinner. We have to get up.” 

“I ain’t gotta do nothin’, old man. It’s my birthday.” 

Leo rolled his eyes and shifted, pushing up into a sitting position, wincing as his elbows popped and creaked. He was only two years older than his little brother, but that didn’t stop Raph from teasing him all the time about being an over-the-hill geezer. Leo liked to think he was more mature than that. 

“I’m surprised you remember. Good to know you’ve kept your mind in your old age.” 

Well, he  _liked_ to think it. 

“Haha, you’re hilarious. Get off me.” Raph sat up too, groaning and rolling his neck, and let Leo lead him to the bathroom and wash him gently under the spray of the shower, kissing and nuzzling each other as the hot water loosened their muscles and the sore joints Raph struggled with more and more with each passing year. It’d gotten bad three or four years ago, and Leo had made an executive decision to move their bedroom from the master upstairs to the smaller one downstairs after finding Raph asleep on the couch one too many nights, arthritis making it too painful for him to climb the stairs to their bed. The room was smaller and the bathroom was adjacent rather than attached, but it didn’t much matter since they were alone in the house. 

Raph made breakfast, a bit more complacent in the nutrition of their food than he had been when they were younger. If he let him, Leo would have coffee cake for breakfast every day, he was sure, so Raph at least made sure they ate a semi-healthy diet. Gardening was put off, but Leo still went out to take care of the animals, responding to Raph’s jab of “Farmer Blue” with a roll of his eyes. 

The afternoon rolled around, Tam and her daughter came to help make dinner, but Raph let her do most of the work, instead passing most of his time on the couch, cradling his great-grandbaby in his arms as she rubbed her little palms over his mottled skin with wide-eyed fascination. G and Shadow demanded turns holding the baby when they arrived, Tessa as well, and Raph thought he saw a twinge of remorse in her eyes when she held her great-niece. Tessa had never married, never had children, and though she claimed she was perfectly happy with her life, sometimes Raph thought his baby girl was lying to him. Of course, with Leo as a father, she was a pretty good liar. 

They had dinner when Mikey and Don arrived with Casey and April. His little brother all smiles and hugs and kisses that made their human family blush as he wished Raph happy birthday. Don’s kisses were subtler, and Raph was happy to have them. 

He missed all of his family, but he missed his brothers most of all and was silently glad for his birthday after his humans had made their farewells and he’d piled into his bed with all three of his brothers for the first time since Christmas. Leo laid on one side of him, Don at the other, and Mikey had flopped down between his legs, chin caught in his hands as he rested on Raph’s plastron, beaming up at him. Raph smiled, touching each of them, receiving their touches in return, and he thought that maybe his birthday wasn’t as bad as he’d thought. 


End file.
